Stupid scottish bitch (ex-boss)
Way back in '03 I worked for a large academic institution and was committed to the job, put in extra hours, took a short lunch etc.

So when it came to a Friday afternoon and the lady boss was off at a meeting or something the clock was ticking toward end of the day, 5pm, and my colleagues and I had concluded our work for the day there seemed little point in hanging about.

So there we were, a whole 4 minutes early we set off. However in the stair well lady boss aprehended my 2 colleagues and I and gave us a stern talking to about leaving early!!! It was literally like being at school again! We were made to feel really humiliated and guilty about what we were up to.

It seemed rather ridiculous, especially when one of my colleagues was dependent on the bus for commuting, which put him in work 45 mins early EVERY day, and he normally only used about 15 mins of his lunch hour.

Understandably this really naffed him off. So come Monday he was found sitting in the corridor outside the door to the office reading the newspaper. When lady boss asked if he was coming in, he looked at his watch and said "not for another 9 minutes". For one week he stuck to the contracted hours like glue. Productivity was out the window as suddenly there was about 8 less hours of work being done.

So if you're ever someone's boss, don't argue about the last 4 minutes on a Friday, it'll cost you more in the long run!

....

Interesting extra anecdote, eventually lady boss went to have some operation on her foot and would be off work for about 6 months. Day 1 I pretty much downed tools and started doing nothing, then as I had a crazy 3 month notice period I put in my notice timed to see me leave the day before she was due back! Then I went backpacking around South Africa and lived in Australia for a year.

Those 4 minutes? Ended up costing her 6 months of me doing bugger all then leaving without her ever having the forwarning to interview for a replacement etc which took another 4 months! (The wheels turn slow in academic world!)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 8:54, Reply)

incompetent shitheaded little idiot
A few years ago I almost hit a motorcycle cop at at roundabout. His response was to get three inches from my face while hissing about what the fucking hell sort of incompetent shitheaded little idiot was I. Now this was a New Zealand Ministry of Transport policeman, with a uniform and attitude modelled on the SS, and not the sort of person you go out of your way to be snide to, specially if you'd almost squashed him. But I was only 27 and still a bit silly. So after he'd done his spiel, I meekly said "I'm very very sorry and I promise not to do it again" followed by a whispered "fucking motorised cossack".
It's a little known fact, that I wasn't aware of till 5 seconds after I made that little bon mot, that MOT police were recruited for among other things, batlike hearing capabilities ...
I suppose it was worth 3 demerit points.
(mudskipper, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 8:37, Reply)

Just last night actually
Shortly after i had given Miss Whiplash £50. She said i was a naughty boy and was going to get a smacked bottom.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 8:20, Reply)

Naughty Girl
I tied my dog to a lamppost whilst I dropped my son off at his school. Two minutes later, I returned to find my dog had dug a big hole in the grass next to the lamppost. A woman came out of the house behind the grass and laid into me very much in the style of a primary school teacher. Sorry, Miss. Won't do it again.
(Pantyliner, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 8:02, Reply)

When I were a young adult
... and raves were raves, I was at a proper rave (in a proper field with a barn and that, none of your 'O2 Presents "We're Down Wiv Tha Yoof" Sponsored By Barclays Bank' rubbish that you get these days), and we're all lying around wigged off our faces and this girl is talking to me about how much she likes my mate, his most becoming features, constancy of character etc. and I felt it was right to point out to her that he also had an extremely large penis.

She told me she thought that was really tasteless and that I should grow up.

Fair enough.

But it was true. He did have an extremely large penis.
(><(((">, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 7:45, Reply)

Probably
by the Policeman outside the pub. They don't like it if you try and attach a glo-bracelet to their handcuffs. The threat of arrest for assaulting a Police officer soon put me back into line...
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Fri 21 Sep 2007, 7:34, Reply)

Chicken and a jet hose
I was helping a mate clean some scaffolding on a job he was working on. My task was to clean the scaffolding so my mate could give it back to his mate in a similar state he received it.
The place we were working was a larger country house. They had chickens and other small animals about. I was getting bored so decided to try hose the chickens. I thought it was funny, the owner didn't. She came running out the house and gave me a stern talking too about how the chickens become upset and wont lay eggs.
I was escorted off the property and told not to come back. Fair play to my mate though as he walked of the job and told her to shove it up her arse.
(Nob Holeness Blockbuster madness, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 6:59, Reply)

Cat Lady
A few weeks ago I was parking the car on the pavement in front of our house. As usual the retard cat from next door had conveniently placed itself in front of the car.

Commenting to my partner and his friend I said 'One of these days I'm going to run over that cat' a few seconds later a woman appeared a few doors down and said 'EXCUSE ME. Don't you think it's a little mean to say that about someone elses cat?' followed by a torrent of abuse about how I should grow up.

Of course my partner stood there like a stunned animal leaving me to stand up for myself (which is out of character for me) she eventually got bored and slammed the door shut. Every time I see/hear that cat I have visions of kicking it under her car just to get back at her.

Bitch.
(vampyre_gem has been dead since, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 6:06, Reply)

all the time
Any time I got ot the pub I get me mother ringing me all the time to make sure I dont ride me bike home, then I act like a child and ride it home on the back wheel.
Well not acting the child just been a lazy cunt is all haha
(seanybiker Your sister cant wrestle, you should see her box, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 4:11, Reply)

I got told off by my mum last week
She had been on holiday for just over 2weeks, so I decided to move into the front room (to use the nice big tv as a secondary monitor)

Yet my brothers friend who lives with us, had made a huge mess all over the house.

So I'd been away for the weekend and came back monday, but was in far too worse a state to clean the house, so decided I would do it tuesday. I managed to twist my right bollock about 10am (although I didn't find out I had twisted untill about midnight) had spent the whole day tidying up the rest of the house (whilst in agonising pain and gettting lots of dizzy patchs)

My mum got home about 10.30pm, and had a huge go at me as I hadn't moved my computer out of the front room (it was the last thing that needed to be done) this went on for about an hour.

Then I found out I had a twisted bollock,, had to have an operation and such, but am still awaiting an appollogy (sp?) from my mum and my brothers mate.

But I'm still recovering, so can't help out aroudn the house.
(motorphetamine Lover of Cheesecaek!, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 4:00, Reply)

It's not really fraud is it?
I was told off when applying for a library card a few years ago.

There was a box for putting in your title and stuff, and I quite fancied a library card with "Count Weegie Geek" on it.

Old library hag didn't find it amusing in the slightest. She didn't even ask me to prove it. I could be a fucking count.
(weegiegeek, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 3:30, Reply)

playing trivial pursuit!
im at my g/fs house playing a friendly game with her family.
As none of you know me as this will be the loss of my posting virginity, i would like to point out im hyper competetive (as well as a bit of a know it all).
Anyway 20 minutes in and its not going well, everyone has 4/5 Cheeses and im stuck on 2, failing to roll onto a Cheese question, and getting a bit pissed off with the questions, as every question i got was along the lines of, "who won the bronze medal in ribbon twirling in the 1824 olympic games?" and my g/f gets "how long in days does the average Mayfly live?".
Final straw, land on the Green cheese, Biology question, no problems, "What colour are a scallops eyes?" wtf??
Anyway it turns out they arent tartan and im now definately gonna lose..
so i thought what better thing to do..

..than throw a lump of cheese at my g/fs face?
its safe to say it wasnt the best idea.. i got called a baby and told to go sit outside.. that showed them!

4 hours on and we are talking again.. although it was hard to keep the dairy products on plates during the rather heated 'Go for Broke' game later
(Fluffylegend, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 2:50, Reply)

What can I say - I have a way with the Laydeez
Whilst working at a free ads paper in London I went downstairs for a coffee break with one of my colleagues. Now this guy was a proper player, even though he was married with kids he would crack onto any bird at any time. He was pretty successful as well, with most of the female work force lining up to have a go on him.

Anyways, there was a particularly attractive girl sat in the break room that neither of us had seen before. He goes straight over and starts chirpsing her and it turns out she was from Cape Town and was temping with us for a bit. I told her I had lived in Cape Town for a few years back and we had a great old chat. My mate gets bored and fucks off to leave me chatting and she tells me she’s keen to get into the travel industry. Just so happens I’ve got a client in this game so I tell her I’ll pop upstairs to get the number.

Up I pop to my office, walking in telling everyone I’m in the midst of pulling a fitty. I get the number and run downstairs only to find she’s disappeared. I spy my mate and ask where she’s gone.

“Where’s who gone?”
“That really fit bird I was in the process of pulling – I was well in there.”

I then turn around to see her sitting in her office not more than 5 meters from me. She’s clearly heard every word I’ve said and I go bright red. I’m hoping that the world will swallow me up when the vindictive cunt of a department head (her department) calls me into her office.

In front of about 6 people including this girl she asks, “Do you think that is an appropriate way to talk to one of your colleagues, Creamy?’

“No maam.”

“And do you really think you are ‘well in there?’”

“No maam”

“I think an apology might be in order then, Creamy. Don’t you?”

“Yes maam”, Turn to girl. “Sorry.”

And with that I bounded back upstairs to be greeted with a round of applause. Turns out my mate had got there before me and alerted everyone to what had happened.

All in all just another successful day in the life of Creamy.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 2:26, Reply)

Some plumbers are bastards
After having rather too much to drink last night at a friends house (there was a special on Olde English Cider at my local Morrisons) I strangely thought it would be a great idea to prank call a few of the more late night establishments that are more than happy to rip off your arms and legs in payment for a couple of minutes work just because its after office hours.

So, sat across from a couple of empty houses in a very student-y area, we began with the obligatory calling of various taxi and food takeaway companies, and sat giggling merrily as people piled up outside these empty houses, knocking on the doors for up to 5 minutes before hurling obscenities and leaving. It was all jolly fun.

Looking through the Yellow Pages I came across an ad for the holy grail of prank calls; a 24-hour emergency plumbers. So the scene was set; I was stood in the kitchen running a tap, with friends on standby. The call to the plumbers went like so (It was a large national company so I had no guilt at all):

Them: Hello there, and thank you for calling [plumbers], what seems to be your emergency?
Me: Hi mate. My flatmate has just been for a crap and when he's flushed its started spewing up this foul smelling sewer shit into my bathroom. The whole flat stinks of shit and I think I'm gonna keel over.
Them: Jesus, that sounds bad. Where are you at?
Me: I'm at [address]. Can you get him to hurry please? This smell is evil.
Them: Ok, I can have someone out in 40 minutes.
Me: Brilliant, I'm off down the pub to get away from the smell of Beelzebub's sphincter. Bye

After waiting eagerly for over an hour and a half, the guy eventually arrives, parking right outside the house I was hiding in. He gets out, scratches his arse with a spanner, and knocks on the door. He waits for about 10 seconds, and seeing the house in darkness, he turns away and heads back to the van. At which point he sees 3 giggling students, pissed out of their faces, looking right at him. Shit.

Since I called the guy, I was the one forced outside to confront him as he called us names from the street I can barely remember. For some reason, I grabbed a boomerang as protection and made my way to the front door. Cue then 5 minutes of this guy telling me he missed getting laid by his wife and having to come out here and piss about standing in the rain waiting to unblock a Mr Tom Jones' toilet. After making me feel 6 inches tall he told me I had to hang my head in shame and say "Sorry Mr Plumber".

I'd have felt sorry for the guy, but he jumped back in his van and called his boss, telling him that he'd "unblocked the drain from outside but no bastard was answering the door." He then relayed the phone number from the To Let sign to his boss so they could bill the landlord. The cheeky git. We got him back by throwing condoms full of ice cream at his van as he left.

Length? Probably about 30ft, but the milky discharge wasn't very convincing.
(guyie failed to be witty on, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 0:37, Reply)

or
you might punish us by taking qotw away for a few hours
( Trollman, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 0:10, Reply)

yeah
ok more than one line
( Trollman, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 0:10, Reply)

i did it this morning, funnily enough
i was tearing strips off a stupid tenant who has breached his agreement to clear his substantial rent arrears for about the fifteenth time. i am normally very polite to the opposition, but this guy is a total streak of piss.

at the end of the discussion, he said sadly, "do you have to make me look like a naughty schoolboy, ms swipe?"

(which is a new one to me. normally it's "can you make yourself look like a naughty schoolgirl, ms swipe...")
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 23:59, Reply)

Auction
Attended an auction (my first at this particular place) and after bidding on a successfull item I awaited at said desk for 'The Man' to come and look at my purchases.

Over he came, and said 'ah yes, over here they are, couple of items'.

I follow him up to the item. Upon arrival he turned around and said:
"You are not allowed over here, I could in theory take all your purchases away from you with no refund because you have come over here" in a stern, your an idiot customer and a twunt, kind of voice.
I sheepishly turned around and returned to said place to await the arrive of 'The Man' with my items, feeling quite embarrassed and pi**sed off (I was trying to help him).

Turns out the item I bid on was wrongly advertised so I gave him quite the dressing down in front of 20 people (his dressing down was just to me with no-one around).

I wonder if he will post about my dressing down, twunt.
(Opanoid Look sweats dripping off them, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 23:45, Reply)

'i'm really disappointed in you....'
Click 'I like this' if you want this phrase to be banned as it is shameful that anybody uses it on anybody :)
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 23:41, Reply)

I was in new cross
and we ended up in some pub that had a private party going on. I went to the toilet, bought some condoms and filled them up with water (water balloon styles). I then took it upon myself to start a war

"WATER FIIIIIIGHT"

ended up chucking them at a load of randoms in my drunken state, followed closely by the host (bless her) calmly asking me to leave, saying I'd had quite enough and was ruining her party.
( McBadger COW, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 23:39, Reply)

By the gendarmerie
and I deserved it. I moved back to London about 3 weeks ago now, so started to look for a job. Cue interviews galore, get one on a Tueday morning at 10.30am. And oh did I not realise it is a fcuking tube strike. So I decide to walk to the interview, no big deal, it's only Victoria, will take about an hour and a half from Hammersmith to get there on foot.

Unfortunately the route I took takes me through Sloane Square and past the tube station there, at which point, despite it being a nice sunny morning and everything being pretty good with the world, I decide to give what for to the two twunts stood with RMT bibs on outside the Tube station. Few things piss me off more about London (and I love the place most of the time) than the few complete cnuts who feel the need to strike everytime one of their colleagues is disciplined for being pissed/late/shite/driving through red light or whatever reason it is this week. And if that isn't the reason I'm beyond caring. Bob Crow can go fuck himself as far as I'm concerned. (Not that TfL management can be that good themselves given how shit their industrial relations are).

Anyway, rant over. Sorry all you good tube staff out there, your shit colleagues and your union suck.

So after being bollocked in no uncertain terms by the copper with threat of being arrested not too distant, I mumbled an apology and sauntered off to my interview. And after all that the bloody job was shit so I declined a second interview.

PS - 'I have run out of coke' - your signature is oh so wrong but oh so right...
(Calamity wetter than a fish's wet bits - bloody rain on, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 23:21, Reply)

I've only been an adult for three days.
I went and got a learner's permit this week on my 18th birthday, which allows me to drive as long as there's another full-licensed person in the car.

I've driven about 100 miles so far, my grandfather teaching me how to do various driver-ish things, and I've already been scolded for:

A. Picking my nose while I'm supposed to be signaling a turn
B. Honking at black people
C. Making screeching noises as I round curves.

In spite of this, he seems to think that I'm a great driver so far. I haven't killed anyone yet.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 23:12, Reply)

I'm a 20 year old still living at home.
Well i am doing till i fuck off to uni on Sunday but because of this and my hopeless immaturity i am told off virtually every day. The last time was today for uttering the word "dick" in reference to what my little brother called me. Anyway none parental bollockings atm of particular relevance spring to mind, so ill tell of two other times.

The first was on the bus. I remember seeing it pull up and thank fuck the bus driver stopped for me. I got in breathless.and asked for whatever i needed. "what do you say?" was his response no hint of even tongue in cheek.WHAT THE FUCK! the nerve of this cunt! He then proceeded to give me a lecture about how i should thank him. I should take this time to inform you that i think of myself as a polite person and would normally give the obligatory "thanks a lot" etc, i must have been just relieaved to get on the bus and it slipped my mind, but to demand it!!!!! You are not entitled to anything for doing your fucking job mate. I however am a ball lacking coward and swallowed my pride.

The other time was at work. I used to work in customer service but my superiors hardly ever told me off (the customers are another story but i never felt small as i knew if it was my fault i had to take responsiblity but otherwise it was the dumb company's or the fuckin twunts themselves), partly because if i majorly fucked up, id keep it to myself and sort it out on my own and secondly i was the quiet kid who just got on with it and they were clueless of how i'd react to it. However that didn't stop some people. Namely this woman who for lack of a better vocabulary was the office bitch, you know the first to snap when an unfortunate colleague slightly slips up but who laughs it off when informed shes made exactly the same mistake, the clincher is she is on the same level and holds no power over you. Anyway after being dragged over and raved at for something that could be sorted out with the click of a button i was not in the best of moods, i did the "i'm angry let me push something to show it" bit with a chair and stormed into the canteen face red with rage only to bump into my line manager. She later informed me after speaking with the deputy, that maybe i needed to work on my temper but if i wasn't happy with who my criticisms came from to have a word....... So there you go hardly enthralling but my best for now none the less.
(Joey Stall, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 22:58, Reply)

Oh wow...
..After reading kna's post it reminded me of something.

When i was but a lad (17), I was visiting my older sister in Exeter (if I hear one more person say the shit drinking laws are due to it being a "cathedral city" I'll scream. Every city, bar Wolverhampton, have a cathedral. Law.). Anyways...

I was 17, i was visiting my sister, we were out on the piss with her mates, I was having a good time.

We were in a club, I was smoking a cig whilst waiting to get served at the bar, then this guy beside me turns around, looks at me and said (wait for it): "You smoke, I choke *cough-cough*" and proceeded to lift my arm from its resting place on the bar to my side. That's right. I kid you not.

i was 17. This guy was in his early 30's, smaller than me, but stocky. I didn't want to get on the wrong side of someone in a strange town. My answer?

*insert-harsh-Dundonian-accent-here*Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? You don't like smoke? Here. *blow smoke into his face* how'd you like that ya wee tadger?! Dinnae you start yer shite with me!"

I realised what I'd just done. Alcohol (once again my curse!).

Luckily the dude was all talk - otherwise I'd have been at the hospital or something - and just ignored my retort.

But I did feel an overwhelming amount of emotions in the space of 5 seconds, here they are listed:

1) Wtf?
2) that's my arm!
3) you are honestly THAT bent?
4) I'm pissed.
5) His accent makes him sound gay.
6) His accent makes him gay.
7) My accent is one of the most hardest in the isles.
8) I am one of the most hardest in the isles.
9) Get to fuck you jumped-up, primary-gym-school-teaching, paedophiliac-engrossed, stain of humanity. You're in a club.


But I still felt like shit when he said that. God, you have no idea how angry that makes me. even now. 6 years later.
(allywilson, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 22:54, Reply)

I wasnt an adult....I was about 9
And I was at primary school using a magnifying glass to burn a worm.

Teacher creeps up on me, and sees what I'm doing.

"You're doing it to a WORM!!!!?????"

I instantly shrink into that childish "I've been rumbled" mode.

I was fairly eloquent at that age. I said "I'm making two worms! and the heat quarterises the wound!"

Teacher bumbles off forgiving my innocence.

Truth is I was just burning the little fucker.
(Pensive, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 22:54, Reply)

Controlling Boss
I currently work for my father. I basically run the office of his business. He can never make up his mind on how he wants me to do things. If I am supposed to put mail in the second drawer and I do it for a year he will change his mind and decide the first drawer is closer, thus more efficient. Then he will go searching the second drawer for the mail and when it isn't there I will get bitched out because I put the mail in the first drawer. "Why did you put it in the first drawer??!!!" "you told me too" "Don't be stupid why would I tell you to put it in the first drawer, it's been in the second drawer for years! Can't you fucking listen?!!!! Why can't you just fucking do what I fucking tell you?!! What the fuck is wrong with you!!??!!?" And so on (this happens on a regular basis whether I am doing it right or wrong)...anyway every week people come in trying to sell him equipment for his company and today one of these equipment guys come in and he walks out to his truck to get something for my dad. I'm on my way to the bathroom to :) pee. Dad sez "When your done peeing write him a check." So instead of going to the bathroom I just go to write the check. "DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?!!!??!! I SAID AFTER YOU PEE WRITE A CHECK!!!!!" Okay, when you begin to control my basic bodily functions there is a problem....jerk.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 22:47, Reply)

Air Hostess
You all know about my connection with my air hostess....

Insert blatant brag here....

But I used to know full well that I had to turn off my iPod before landing. One time, I didn't and one of the other hosties (Who knew me) came over and actually pulled an earbud out and said:

"Did you not hear me James*? You of all people should know better"

"Mumble, sorry, mumble"

Felt about 6 year old.

Wasn't my hostie though otherwise I'd've had to have given her a bit of a talking to myself :-D

* She actually used my proper name too
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 22:38, Reply)

My superviser, Paye (Stupid name)
She's a cnut. I work at a clothes store, we have (as do all shops) a £100 limit on cheque guarentee cards. Everyone knows this limit. This stupid woman comes up with LITERALLY hundreds of items of clothing, all tangled up and shoved into baskets, which she plonks on the desk in front of me. She sighs and taps her foot as I try my best to scan all the items in record time, because she seems to be in a bit of a hurry. A hundred and fifty items.
Two hundred and seventy quid (This is Primark). Out comes the chequebook. (At this point I didn't know about the limit). I don't know what the f**k to do with a cheque so I two-bell to ring the supervisor.
Over she comes, congratulates me for calling her rather than trying anything myself. She puts the cheque through the magic pixie-powered cheque machine, it stamps it, and spits it out. Nothing happens.

"Did you swipe the card?"
"No", says I, "I just called you. We were told to do that in training"
"You're supposed to swipe the card first. Now you're going to have to scan the whole lot again"

She noticed the brief flicker of mild annoyance *ahem* that registered on my face at the prospect if spending another half an hour de-bagging, unfolding and rescanning all the items. She proceeds to give me a bollocking in front of the customer, along the lines of "If I tell you to scan them again, you will scan them again, and I don't want to talking in that tone of voice to me" (I hadn't said anything), "particularly in front of a customer". What's funny is all this is in front of a customer.

Mandatory length joke, lol!!!1
( ivystopia Last seen on, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 22:27, Reply)

Teachers....
...can't stop being teachers. I've noticed that teacher friends of mine, when they want you to do something, immediatly slip into 'teacher mode' and tell you want they want you to do, rather than ask.

It's guaranteed to make me feel like a kid again, and then immediately piss me off.

Being in 'teacher mode' they look really shocked if you tell them to fuck off.
(inflateable, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 22:17, Reply)