Thrush cream.
Christ, I have got about a fucking million of these. I used to work in a pharmacy. Many old people seem to see this and think "despite you clearly working here solely for beer money until you finally graduate and get a job where you no longer need to deal with the fucking public, i am going to share with you more than i should as you are vaguely connected to health professionals"

It's my usual sunday shift, im 17, and have a hangover of epic proportion. So in walks an older lady. Easily into her 60s. You know the type: the mouth like a cat's arse from years of smoking, the dyed hair, the make up that looks like it's been applied with a fucking tablespoon and the clothes 16 years out of date and 30 years too young. Nobody needs to see a cleavage like that. It was like somebody had managed to melt a leather sofa down her front. So she makes her way up to the pharmacy counter.

And so begins the inevitable flirting. I am so uncomfortable that my sphincter has tightened to the point you could probably press a diamond in it. I'll fast forward you through the grilling on my private life that this woman thought was clearly more important than whatever healthcare issue she came in with. Finally we get to the point:

woman: well it's a little embarrassing talking to a handsome young man like you about this, but i need something to treat a wee yeast infection i picked up
me: certainly madam, there are a number of options for you: we have oral medication, vaginal suppositories and creams

the thought of this woman cramming a suppository up her frothing, crusty axe-wound was awful in itself. Nothing prepared me for her response.

woman: Hmmm. I'll just take the oral stuff. The creams and whatnot are no good for me - when you get to my age, you'd just have to pick a wrinkle and go for it!

Gross. Just fucking gross.
(Rushy, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 20:08, Reply)

TMI?
I'm the King... and it's genetically coded because Mum's a nurse. She'll quite happily speak of the time that an old woman's stitches burst and how her intestines were all over the bed. But no. I remember puttering about the house not doing particularly much (such is life in Barnsley, you get used to it) and she was chatting on the phone. I went past her room just as I heard the classic line "He had his thumb up my backside and you know what it felt brilliant!" Hearing about how your Mother enjoys anal play is not particularly pleasant.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 6 Sep 2007, 20:04, Reply)

Here's one for the masses.
I have pulled out a constipated poo because it got stuck half-way out.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 19:51, Reply)

years ago
My 'girlfriend' who i believed i had stolen from a mate disappeared for 2 nights.

"where the fuck have you been, i've been out of my mind"
"nowhere, nothing, it was nothing, i'm fine"
REPEAT FOR ABOUT 2 DAYS
She became a blubbering wreck, unable to cope with my barage of genuine concern turning into utter rage and jealousy and bile and hate and love and christ knows what.

With the saddest eyes, and the most sunken shoulders and the quietest voice:

"I had an abortion. There were two of them."

Still makes me cry for many many reasons. Why the fuck am i telling you this i dont know.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 19:39, Reply)

As the ol' legend goes......
Some telephone compo in Austrailia apparently done this;

"Hi this is X Radio, we have our first caller for the Mr and Mrs competition, and a chance to win the holiday. The way this works is that we ask Mr Y 3 questions, then I phone his wife up and ask her the 3 same questions. 3 matching answers equals the holiday! So who am I speaking to please?"
"Mr Y." (I can't be fucked to make names up on this)
"Hello Mr Y - now I'll ask you your 3 questions. Question 1 - Where did you meet Mrs Y?"
"That's easy, in Sydney harbour."
"Great. Question 2 - What meal did you both last eat together?"
"Um, we ate some burgers...."
"Ok, burgers. And finally Question 3, where did you last make love?"
"Oh, ummmm...errr...in the kitchen." - Cue a few stifled giggles.
"That's great. I've got your wife's number, lets call her."
So they ring her up and explain the rules, then she starts answering the questions.
"Question 1 - where did you and your lovely husband meet?"
"Oh, that was in Sydney harbour."
"Brilliant, that's one right. Now Question 2 - what was the last meal you both ate together?"
"Errr....we had burgers together last night."
"Great! Now this one and you win the holiday....get ready...now Question 3 - where did you last make love?".
Cue a long pause....then she says "Are you sure?" "Yes, go on" says the husband. "Ok then. Up the ass!"

/gets coat, dons coat, goes out in coat, gets covered in rain in coat, meets goat, commits adultery with goat in coat, dies.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 19:38, Reply)

In hindsight
Telling my friend that I would sell my self into slavery just to have passionate relations with a Digimon wasn't the best course of action.
(Uhmfhshhghd, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 19:36, Reply)

Not that bad - but made me feel small...
A few years ago my, now ex, girlfriend lived in Glasgow (was a student there). We used to go turn about at weekends (I'd go through every other weekend, and she'd come back the weekends in between).

My best friend (we're not that close anymore - although supposedly I'm going to be his kids Godparent) came through with me once (stayed in the student flats for 3 straight weeks - but that's beside the point).

We were all out on the lash in Glasgow anyway, in Frankenstein's the pub specifically, mate was speeding out of his head, and I went to to the wee boys room. There I discover my mate trying to sell base (bass? Speed or whatever when I was younger!) to random strangers going to and fro in the gents. Dickhead.

So, as I'm just a drinker and didn't want to get involved in any altercations with police / doormen / alsations / squares, I tell him to shut the fuck up.

I go to the urinal.

This is the pub Frankenstein's remember so the music (if it can be called that) in the gents is very horror-esque.

I pull out Wee Ally, and let the juices run clear. Lots of clanking chains and shrieks in the music. At this point I notice my mate joining me at the urinal.

"Holy shit! Look! We're the same size! HAHAHAHA!"

I look at him (not his cock before you think it) and say "stop staring at other peoples cocks before I batter you." totally serious. Had had enough of him.

I later retold this story to my girlfriend who burst into laughter.

Pardon me?


GF: "Base / speed / whatever shrinks your cock! He must be huge!"

TMI on everyone's behalf. My cock size is not a topic of laughter, damnit.

Size? Read the post.
(allywilson, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 19:30, Reply)

"We tried something new..."
Said my friends ex to me. So I jokingly asked if it was anal, to which they both went kinda quiet, and nothing more was said on the matter.

Until later when I received a text message confirming my guess, and going into further detail of how it had been awkward until they used more lube, and how it hurt, but was nice...

Thank you so much for that!

And Quixall, I have all that to look forward to!
( mister.f is now married, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 19:29, Reply)

I have a friend
who loves to remind me that the first time we met, he was sat at a bar when I plonked myself next to him, and said very loudly "I fucked a ladyboy last night".

I had, but that's another story.

The annoying thing is that in the five years since, he's never managed to end up fucking a man, even though he likes a drink , and we both live in Bangkok.

Length, couldn't see, I was taking shim from behind.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 19:28, Reply)

When I was a young horny frustrated virgin...
...I was friends with this couple who we shall call James and Miranda, for that was their names. Among the explicit sexual details shared by them with all and sundry were the following;

1. James had once licked his own semen off Miranda's breasts.
2. Miranda liked to be gently strangled with a chain while being taken roughly from behind.
3. They once did it in 10 positions without pulling out.

Those are the editted highlights.
Really didn't need to know all that.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 19:25, Reply)

How to annoy rag-mag sellers
Some girl came upto me as I was walking through Swansea, conversation went like the following;

"Hi, do you want to buy this mag sir?"
"Nah thanks."
"Go on, it's really funny."
"Errr, no thanks luv."
"Go on, pleasssse? I'll read you a joke from it." She really isn't taking the hint here.
"Well I'd love to buy your mag, but I'm currently £20 overdrawn and don't get paid for a fortnight."
She says "Ok, thanks.." and starts to walk away. I think fuck this, and follow her while still talking and looking all wet-eyed.
"...plus I've got to buy my dad a birthday present with fuck all, I owe on my broadband bill and my car tax is due for renewal; plus I've got to sort out my car insurance and the banks charge me too much."

She's got teh fear at this point and was trying to walk away, so I decide to walk away too in my original direction. I had my quarterly bonus that month too, feck her, stupid student.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 19:10, Reply)

flatmate's red raw bikini line
flatmate had her foof butchered by an incompetent waxer the other day.

i was mocking her because the wax had all stuck to her pale grey suit trousers and she had a nice wet sticky semicircle all around her crotch and thighs. which was funny because she's so damn elegant most of the time.

anyway, the next minute, she's whipped down the pants and g-string and shown me how red and swollen everything is. and i mean everything. and i don't mean it in a good way. plus it was all uneven and there were clumps of straggling, untouched but wax drowned hairs all over the place. oh god, the memories hurt my eyes.

i gave her the number of my amazing brazilian/hollywood waxer as quickly as my shaking thumbs could get it off my phone. no way am i risking seeing that again!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 19:05, Reply)

Blackheads...
Not me but a girl from work has a severe problem with blackheads.

And not just normal teeny tiny blackheads. They looked like black spots. All across the top of her lip.

On her 1st day everyone was talking about these horrible black and green things that were perched on the top of her lip. Everyone took the piss for weeks and weeks.

Then came the day. On her day off she popped down to work to get food. As this girl is a bit simple minded she feels the need to explain everything in great detail about what happens in her life.

So she starts off with the usual (Notice anything different about me?) e.t.c. And then out of nowhere she says my lips are hurting. When one of the girls asked why she replied with no hesitation whatsoever...

'My mother pinned me down this morning and picked all my blackheads off. There was blood and pus everywhere'

This lead to 5 people simultaneously running out the back hands clutched over their mouth to spew. And they did.

This same girl came in a few weeks later holding her back and walking funny. When someone asked her what was wrong she said...

'I got a mega bad back. This boy was shagging me up against his garden shed last night and I had my legs wrapped around him and he dropped me straight onto the concrete.'

how we laughed...
( sausagesucker just paid £5.00 for a cup of Tea!, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 19:04, Reply)

When I lived with me parents.......
...me mam would occasionally go to these Teaching Do's (or "Elderly pissups as I called them). She'd go out for a few hours then get back home at around 1 in the morning paralatic, stumble upstairs and rather than just going to bed, she'd walk straight into my room and turn the light on. I'd wake up all like "...wtf, is there a fire or sommit?" and she'd start to tell me what she's had to eat at the function. After 10 minutes of making sure I'm now quite awake, she'd swan off to her bedroom and flake out.

After she did this twice to me, I bought a padlock for the inside of me door, and sure enough when she went out, I was asleep and she did the same thing again. Only prob being she took out a large chunk of the skirting just above the door handle before reading off the menu again.

I've been away from them for about 5/6 years now (moved in with the now Mrs Jeccy), but I still fear the "Nanny from Count Duckula" door-smash occuring one day in my house at 1am followed by a food menu breakdown.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 18:52, Reply)

I've been waiting for this.
One morning after a night out on the piss with a mate of mine, he decided he didn't want to go home, so instead stayed at my house.

The night was without incident, however in the morning, when I was just making myself a sandwich to eat, he comes down stairs and asks
"Do you have any toilet roll around? there's none in the bathroom, and I think I just shat myself"

I didn't know what to do, as we didn't actually have any toilet roll, so I handed him some kitchen roll instead..... that must have felt nice.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 18:51, Reply)

My girlfriend is a nurse and we talk about poo all the time.
It's very satisfying to be able to talk about having the runs without her getting squeamish, like most girls would.

My nickname is now Poo.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 18:24, Reply)

plain old wrong
Whilst just 18 my best mate and I would regularly go to the local and get pissed. I would phone him at his mums house and he would walk 200 yards to my house and we would then carry on a further 200 yards to the pub.

All pretty normal stuff I am sure you would agree.
However I phoned him early one evening for the purpose of arranging one of our notorious drinking sessions. Straight away I could tell he was being a little...er..cagey on the phone. Never the less we made arrangements to meet later.

I quizzed him later regarding his awkward tone earlier that evening. To which he answered as if it was no big deal:

Oh, sorry about that, my mum was just pushing my piles back up my arse!

GIP.

true, unlike a lot on here. You know who you are.
(SPLUFFMYPANTS, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 18:23, Reply)

House sharing with the opposite sex is difficult
From the mouth of my female (ex) flatmate...

*I have to go out this afternoon - my bush is too bushy and I'm having it waxed*

*I'm sorry if there is blood in the bath, I've just started my period (in front of my girlfriend!)*

*I can't find any tampons so I've borrowed a pair of your boxers (WTF HOW does that work??)*

And many, many more. Those are my top three...
(Quixall, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 18:23, Reply)

Are you going to shut up soon?
We (me and the seven lads from my course) were revising for our final exams and one of the blokes (a mature student type who was, IMO, more immature and whiny than the rest of us who were half his age) would. not. shut. up. about this painful ear infection he had.

It was oozing, it was pustulent, it was going to leave him permanently deaf, it was the most painful thing in the world and we couldn't conceive of the pain he was going through and how well he was putting up with it.

He whined for most of the morning, all through lunch and afterwards, and by the time we were trying to look through our chemical engineering notes I was pretty fucking tired of it and told him:

"I'm currently shedding the uterine lining of my womb; it's cleaving slowly away from the sides and dropping out of my cunt in great wet, hacking, fuck-off lumps. I can feel the clots as they fall out. It rather hurts. But you don't hear me going on about it, do you?"

He got up and left and the rest of us got some studying done.
(greenycrimson I stole the from pyschotherapist, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 18:06, Reply)

"..and when I pulled out It was all covered in shit.."
is not what you want to hear shouted out by your mate during a party when there is a gap between songs.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 18:03, Reply)

yup
My friend told me he has constipapation during class.
THE END
(Who blew luigi, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 18:01, Reply)

A couple of rowing mates of mine
from uni shared a house together in our 2nd & 3rd years. Thinking back I wish I'd taken them up on their offer to live there too as it would have saved a good deal of heart ache.

H'anyway one of them is a perpetual batchelor. Nice enough guy, v intelligent (although he doesn't apply himself) and stacked with rowing muscles. The other, however, is a bit scary but nice enough too.
The scary one started seeing a bird after a few months of them moving in and from there the stories started.

Scrotty, for tis the lads nickname, has been known to shag his missus nonstop for hours and hours at a time. This might not be something to write home about, but considering the amount of training we did this sort of aerobic feat is to be marvelled at. I wonder how the poor bird can still walk.

Did I mention that the bed and floor were squeaky and the batchelor lived downstairs underneath? That coupled with the amazing Hammeraction lead the distinct impossibility of sleep.

We're in the bar one day and Batchelor says "Have a listen to this!".
He hands another one of our mates his phone with a recording.
Recording goes something like: "squeak bang bang bang squeak bang bang" etc.
Puzzled and slightly disgusted look on mate's face.. "what the feck is that?"
"That's Scrotty shagging!"
"aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhh"

Phone was eventually retrieved from the other side of the bar.

It's not the size of the nail, it's the hammer you hit it in with that matters...

@ Arthmelow - yeah why did my mate's think I was really weird and fcked up when I told them I accused my sister of smelling of fish? Twonks.
@ Greencloud - You are fogiven, mein Kinder
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 17:55, Reply)

Gah.
Gah. I hate it when people cry "TMI TMI!"

I've spent years suffering from social anxiety because I'm scared of
reaching that limit. I've done so many many times.

People often wish they had my parents because they were so open about what was talked about... but it means I have *NO* skills for:
1. other people's parents 2. polite company 3. job interviews 4. Work
etc

I can think of so many

1. Commenting on the contrast between a friend's sexy voice and her
somewhat unsexy nature was greeted with "that's horrible!" - it seems saying what people are thinking is taboo.

2. Commenting that my mother was scared that my brother was going to get shagged a date by a guy when I pointed out he probably wanted to get a shag. it seems mentioning that people probably want sex on a date is taboo.

3. Any blob complaints. I can't say I'm suffering about flow, complain about clots, accidents, anything. For fuck's sake, it's a natural process - why the taboo?

4. Sex is funny. It isn't gross. People need to lighten up. The sloshy noise my furry axewound makes during sex makes me want to crack up.

5. Making the universal sign language for cunnilingus and joking about it with my mother and brother was apparently "too much" for my friend. Such a delicate little soul for a porn and computer game addict.

6. Poo, wee, pus and other bodily fluids aren't gross. They're interesting, and usually funny. I can spend hours digging out stuff from people's toenails, belly buttons, ears or blocked pores... (Although you're free to have that one - I'm just strange there)

So conclusion:
If you weren't such a socially conservative prude, TMI is never an issue.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 17:49, Reply)

@ tweebianmonkey
As stated in the beginning, I just remembered when reminded by an earlier post. Point truly accepted, as she may have told me the story rather than actually related the experience. Either way it was a LONG time ago. My memory's so fucked from smoking weed that most things beyond last year are sketchy anyway!

I'll ask her when I get home......
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 17:33, Reply)

Chocolate
A girl I once worked with once owned a rabbit.

The rabbit lived in the house.

The rabbit decided one day it would have a poo on a tabletop.

The girl found these little drops later, and absentmindedly thought it was chocolate.

How how HOW anyone could possible be dipsy enough to do that, I don't know, but chocolate drops just haven't tasted the same since.

(If you want to know, she said they were rather grainy in texture - she didn't say if she scoffed the lot)
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 17:18, Reply)

He brings it on himself...
My fiance's flatmate has a horrible habit of getting me to overshare - For example, by coming into the room after listening to us "bumping uglies" and asking us all the details (as well as comparing to his own recent experiences)

Anyway, what made me think of dumping this all on you is that about a month ago, I came over to their place in excruciating pain - He suspected appendicitis (though it turns out the pain was on the wrong side for that) so off we rushed to the hospital, at 11pm.

3 hours later, I was finally seen, and both boys came in with me. I told the nurse/doctor/whatever what was wrong, and in turn, it asked me if I'd had any pain in my nether regions. As is my habit, I told the truth and said yes, I'd been having pain during every urination for a month. This is when flatmate first decides he doesn't like the conversation - I hear him make a slight gagging noise.

But does he leave? No, he waits as another three hours go by in the waiting room and finally I'm brought in for a blood test. Doctor asks if I mind him asking some personal questions, and I tell flatmate I'd rather he leave. He decides to ignore me and stay. Fine, I think. So he cops an earful of my recent sexcapades (which he knew anyway), details of my last period, my last bowel movement, everything.

By the end of the questioning, he was looking quite green. The doctor then takes another hour to study my blood while we wait, and finally comes and announces to the WHOLE WAITING ROOM in his booming voice that I have a urinary tract infection. Thanks very much, doc.

Oh, I'm sorry, was that too much information for you guys?
(EasilyRecognisable I’m back baby, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 17:09, Reply)

Botty grapes
Once I walked into our kitchen when the wife's family came to visit. Her dad hands me this weird looking polaroids to look at while the rest of them look on.
On them is two shots of this big pink tube, Im staring at it trying to work out what the fck it is, some sort of mutant jellyfish or something, when he utters the words "theyre my before and after pics from my haemmoroid operation".
When the realization that I had indeed been intensly studying the inside of my aging father in laws poop tube and internal bum grapes, I went cold.
(MrFluffy, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 17:08, Reply)

@ Greencloud
I bring bad news :(

www.snopes.com/embarrass/feminine/glitter.asp

And if you don't believe Snopes, I have a book of urban myths from the mid 90s with it in. *sigh*
I've just destroyed someone's dream.

Amusing story though...
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 17:03, Reply)