Long-distance truck drivers.
After you've murdered your latest French female hitch-hiker/heroin-addled prostitute/trusting care-in-the-community victim, why not roll the body up in an old carpet before you dispose of it in a lay-by ditch?

People won't spot the body so easily, giving you more time to inevitably drive to a far-away port in an amphetamine-fuelled daze, and when the police find it, they can play a game of pass-the-rancid-corpse-parcel.

And it'll look a bit like a jam roly-poly, ensuring you have tearful flashbacks of your lost childhood as you roll it up, gagging on the stench of carpet and decomposing flesh.
(h0ly_j0e needs to unfuck himself, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:13, Reply)

Old men
Never take a pee in a urinal after an old man.
(veniceboy lives in California, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 2:09, Reply)

I'm sure many of us believe

we could benefit from the expertise of Jo Frost aka 'Supernanny'.

But apparently she only does it if you've got children.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 14 Dec 2006, 14:58, Reply)

How to live longer with no effort
This is pilched from 'Catch 22's Dunbar, who dedicated his life to doing really boring and tedious things as they protracted his life.

The theory is that time drags when doing boring things so the more of them you do, the longer your life seems, e.g. an hour spent sorting out bills to pay etc. can feel like a whole afternoon, and an afternoon visiting an elderly relative can last at least a month.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 14 Dec 2006, 13:38, Reply)

Job seekers allowance
When doing the compulsary job applications to qualify for your job seekers allowance, don't try too hard... they might give you the fucking job!!!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 14 Dec 2006, 12:22, Reply)

Gentlemen
When trying to improve cunnilingus technique it is worth constantly chewing in order to improve tongue flexibility and strength.

Best to stick to gum rather than pies though or you'll be so fat you're chances of using your new, muscular and flexible tongue will be greatly reduced...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 14 Dec 2006, 11:48, Reply)

Ladies
When having a brazilian do not allow your mind to wander away from the pain because you will only embarrass yourself when the waxing lady applies the soothing cream afterwards...and you can then no longer return to that salon....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 14 Dec 2006, 11:24, Reply)

sausages
Best way to have them? Bake them in an oven at 180c for bout half an hour. Dont add anything, they'll cook in their own fat. Member and turn them halfway tho, otherwise you get half-burned-half-crap sausage. Thanks to my dad the butcher for this tip!
(doublefruit is wasting away the day that is, Thu 14 Dec 2006, 11:21, Reply)

When looking for a job
look for something you're interested in. At least that way you won't be sitting in a call centre at the age of 30 wondering why the fuck you hate your life.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 14 Dec 2006, 10:54, Reply)

hohum
The tips below are from this website:
www.splange.freeserve.co.uk/index.html


Top Tips
Pretend you're owned by a bumble bee by attaching a wire around your neck and fixing a mushroom to the other end.
Make yourself into a human dynamo by wearing a pair of nylon trolleys and attaching a pair of bulldog clips to your bollocks. Then thrash about frantically as if a bee has just flown up your dirtbox. The charge formed will then be able to power a T.V (probably).
Make everyone in your office believe the cleaners are enslaved squirrels by attaching peanuts to mops and leaving them on the floor.
Annoy your friends by telling them that you've got a really brilliant hi-fi in your room. When they come in to look at it, watch their expressions change as you pull back your jumper to reveal a set of plastic udders filled with piss, which you then proceed to squirt all over them, laughing hysterically.
Tell the doctor you've got duck punch fever. When he asks you what it is, clout him squarely on the nose giving a loud resonant quack.
Show to cinema fans that Forest Gump is escapist nonsense by bringing a load of insane dysentery-infected tramps into the cinema. They'll soon change their opinion of 'lovable halfwits' when one of them ****s in their pop corn.
Illustrate the complex ideas behind the Middle East peace talks by sewing a large cloth shrimp onto the knee of your jeans.
Give yourself an elegant persona by sniggering and telling everyone your surname is Lavender.
Don't throw away egg cartons, cut the bottoms off them to make charming winter hats for woodpeckers.
When you're back-scuttling your wife next make sure you do it in front of a mirror. Watch her sexy expression change as you stick it up her Gary Glitter.
Commit a series of violent attacks on Roger De Coursey. When the police arrive sit there smiling and tell them that it was Cheeky Kevin who did it. Before they can take you away pull out a really poorly-made ginger ventriloquists doll sodomising nookie bear.
Make your wife into a fast breeder reactor by storing the fissile material under her chin. The reaction can then be controlled by sliding a graphite rod between her greased tits.
Play "**** Kick Sinatra (TM)" by going into a restaurant with a stereo after treading in a load of dog ****. The tape is a copy of Frank Sinatra's greatest hits. When Old Blue Eyes starts to sing proceed to kick the **** onto everyone's chips.
Play pensioner pinball by not giving your seat up for some old dear on the bus. Watch and laugh as she flies about the bus completely out of control, bouncing off the other passengers.
Stay awake for a week and then tell your workmates you've been going out with an owl.
(Wrecked Tums, Thu 14 Dec 2006, 9:24, Reply)

Classy recipe for one person
Empty one can of tuna and one stock cube into a pot. Heat on stove, stir frequently. Once hot and burnt, add one serving of dried pasta and cover with water. Boil until water disappears. Eat from pot. Very cheap and only the pot to clean.

Jamie Oliver, you're outclassed!
(spinoza, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 20:48, Reply)

sneezing
Just fucking sneeze, it feels great.
(zid, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 19:47, Reply)

Do ye be a scurvy dog?
Eat some lime or lemon, it has ye vitamin C.
Y'argh to you all, good luck surfing the seven seas of the internet - especially ye tubgirl.Y'argh
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 13:54, Reply)

Are you a bored HGV driver on the M25?
Well, you can make everybody's day by overtaking the 40 tonner in front who's speed limiter is set at 0.5mph slower than yours.

Throw in a few steep hills to make it more interesting and bingo! Queues of agitated motorists with nothing else to look at but the arse-end of your lorry for the next sixteen miles.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 13 Dec 2006, 13:19, Reply)

Loose motion?
Want to stop that chesty cough?

Drink a gallon of laxitive. You'll be too scared to cough in case you sh!t yourself.

(True)
(gronda_gronda I'm old, please speak slowly., Wed 13 Dec 2006, 12:55, Reply)

DON'T waste money ...
... on expensive iPods. Simply think of your
favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply
think of another song you like and hum that instead.
(Biff..., Wed 13 Dec 2006, 11:48, Reply)

Worried
that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?

Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
(Biff..., Wed 13 Dec 2006, 11:47, Reply)

pooing
take all your dumps at work.

this way you'll save the money on toilet paper, plus you'll be getting paid for it.
(sweatytramp, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 11:04, Reply)

Jehovahs at the door
Fed up with Sunday morning god botherers knocking at your door?

Strip off before opening the door and greet them in the nude! (Morning glory optional).

They'll never bother you again.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 10:40, Reply)

Fly tipping
If you normally dump your "rubbish" in the same place near Ipswich, try leaving it somewhere else and you'll keep getting away with it...
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 10:36, Reply)

Bottled Water Cannons!
Vive la resistance!

To further your domination of your local suburb/backyard/flat, simply go down to the corner store and purchase a tapered garden hose nozzle, and said garden hose/attachments if you for whatever reason don't have them... Also grab a plastic bottle of coke/sprite/fanta on your way out. The bigger/heavier the better :D

Now you have your ingredients, here are the steps in order of least to awesomest:

1. Set up hose, nozzle.
2. Drink your caffeine-laden, fizzy beverage and burp loudly. Or not, this step is entirely optional.
3. Take end of bottle and insert firmly over nozzle.
4. Turn tap on. Thought is divided on this subject as to whether a heavy or light stream of water makes any difference.
5. Hold bottle onto nozzle for dear life.
6. When physically unable to continue step 5, point bottle in direction of intended target and allow it to escape the violating nozzle.

If all goes well and your tiny muscles have managed to perform said manly feat of power and prowess, you should have just bombarded your target with watery and/or fizzy death. Be proud.

Other ideas: use multiple garden hoses with plenty of ammunition. Send a 6 gun salute in the direction of your local greenhouse. Or, have cannon duels. The possibilities are limitless.
(satellite blows, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 3:42, Reply)

If you...
...have a popular internet website, with thousands of posters and already got one book out of the little buggers. Try and get another one out of them about top tips.
(Ka-Tingey www.myspace.com/paultingey weekly updated funnies, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 2:26, Reply)

Top Tip on how to end the world
Dont have kids and then when everyone has stopped having them blow up the world with loads of bombs and stuff and that is how you end the world.

Thats what i think anyway...
(iamyounotme I'm a window licking retard, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 0:15, Reply)

light bulbs
never put these in your back pocket.
(harestylenumber1 loves weiner, Tue 12 Dec 2006, 23:12, Reply)

pot noodle
always eat this over a sink.
(harestylenumber1 loves weiner, Tue 12 Dec 2006, 23:10, Reply)

Polar bears
By painting your nose's white you become almost invisible, perfect for the ultimate winter hunting.
( Drunken Vet, Tue 12 Dec 2006, 21:26, Reply)

P.R.A.T
If you happen upon a piece of lego, or worse, an upturned plug whilst barefoot, try headbutting a wall.

This will obviously cause all pain receptors to engage at your forehead. Thus forgetting about the intense pain in the foot.

Its a well known ancient tradition.

Known as P.R.A.T (Pain Relocation Alternative Therapy)



first post...and all that
with a tongue this sharp......no length req'd
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Tue 12 Dec 2006, 18:51, Reply)

Selling yer snatch
Dont sell yer snatch anywhere near Ipswich!
(grazer is sick of looking at houses, Tue 12 Dec 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Dislike Monkey-Boy Bush?
Well.. Don't whatever you do make a joke (or serious) suggestion of an assasination attempt if you're on an american-hosted website.

Ammusingly they take it seriously, and the FBI come knocking on your door.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 12 Dec 2006, 14:52, Reply)

God squad get on your nerves?
Slap one of these on your car
www.darwinfish.co.uk
(sep18 perkle, Tue 12 Dec 2006, 14:48, Reply)