Napalm Death

Just take your time, and don't get flustered, and you'll be able to make yourself understood.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 8:40, Reply)

aspiring musicians
If you're trying out for a band, and they ask you why you want to be in a band, it's usually OK to grin and say that basically you want to have sex with the fans. But this is unlikely to get you into the Wiggles.

EDIT also, it doesn't work if you want to be in Morrissey's backing band. No one wants to have sex with a Morrissey fan.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 8:04, Reply)

stolen

Superheroes - if you have an aquatic power, make sure you don't have a white costume because it'll go see-through in water.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 7:59, Reply)

Scottish musical brothers called Reid

If you form a band, make sure you co-ordinate your look and sound thoroughly beforehand. Otherwise you could get the embarrassing situation where one of you is a sulky, floppy haired saddo who plays squalling noise with his back to the audience, who then riot, and the other is a clean-cut Christian socialist metrosexual who sings one song that everyone quite likes.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 6:38, Reply)

New to using London Underground?
When boarding the tube ensure you have put your ticket in the most inaccessible pocket you have then completely forget where you have put it. Not beginning to look for it until you are standing in the gates of the ticket barrier will ensure that everyone will know that you never knew your father.
( TriedItOnceAndDidn'tLikeIt made you lose the game on, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 11:28, Reply)

for good luck...
.. Touch my winkie... It has magical powers.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 22 Dec 2006, 9:46, Reply)

Black ice problems?
Simply paint the road outside your house white, and the black ice will show up a treat.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 9:41, Reply)

SurferRosa
pear cider is amazing stuff.

My tip? don't dry shave your legs unless you want to rip half your skin off :)
(lei, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 3:10, Reply)

Moving house? Doing some heavy lifting? Got an itchy nose and can't scratch it because your hands are occupied?
Attach a fork to your elbow so you can scratch your face whenever you need to.
( gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 1:15, Reply)

A tip?
Hmm... Have you ever felt like you needed three hands? You shouldn't -- it's never gonna happen.

End of tip.
(mmmkay, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 21:22, Reply)

Ladies,
if you like to quote Family Guy at random, ensure that your target has seen the episode in question before shouting "SAY YOU LIKE EATING RED CARPET!" at them and you will save literally seconds of confusion.
(ZoFreX is cleaner than smoked trout, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 18:57, Reply)

Don't....
...tell your mates, when you are hammered on pills, that you once strapped a fork to a set of hair-clippers and tried to use it as a vibrator. The damage caused when they later tell your girlfriend is extremely bad.

I'm now single.

The fork obviously wasn't long enough.

EDIT: Please note that the pointy end faced away from the barking-spider. I'm not a sadist.
(Jolyonekenobi, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 18:39, Reply)

Police on the Motorway...
Dear Volvo Driving Swedes...

The Speed Limit is 110Kmh... So if a police van is doing 90kmh, you don't have to slow down to 95 and creep past... It's ok to go past them at 110Kmh.

The reason the van is doing 90Kmh is because it's a Dodge... and it CAN'T go any faster.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 21 Dec 2006, 14:14, Reply)

Got draughts?
Invite an old person into your home and get them to lie against the bottom of the door.

It makes a nice change for them and a cheap draught-excludor for you.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 14:09, Reply)

Chapped lips?
I've kissed worse in my life, usually the result of excessive alcohol and poor nightclub lighting...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 21 Dec 2006, 12:29, Reply)

Chapped Lips?
Simply kiss a dog's arse.
Doesn't really soothe the lips but stops you licking them and making them worse...
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 22:09, Reply)

Gomi No Sensei
took your advice and clicked ignore.

was your name i clicked on though.
Apeloverage's comments are gold.

seriously, unless someone's post is completely offensive, why have a whinge about it. How hard is it to just scroll past the post that's causing you so much grief. what's next - whinging about their grammar and punctuation?boo fcuking hoo

that is all
(Handel blah blah blah, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 14:16, Reply)

If some pikey twat...
...tries to rile you with the old 'I've banged your mam' gag then simply get all teary and reach out to hug them saying 'But... but that must mean... DAD?!?'.

Being not over-endowed in the wit department, they NEVER expect it - it's especially amusing if the recipient is some 13-year-old scrote - little fucker ran a mile :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 12:30, Reply)

if your name is apeloverage or frankspencer...
...save valuable time by not posting 5,372 incomprehensible and disturbing answers to each QOTW.

Instead, post the ONE anecdote you have which is true, concise, well-paced and actually (surprisingly) hilarious.

This will allow people to enjoy your best work, without being forced to use the 'ignore' button just to make the board readable.
(no way hose is staring unemployment in the face on, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 12:28, Reply)

if you find any of my posts less than hilarious

i) I get one of the 'best posts' for the majority of questions I contribute to.

ii) I'm not getting paid. If you want to read professional-level comedy, buy a book by a professional comedian.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 11:50, Reply)

here's one top tip


My personal fav is this one though;


It's got a tractor 'n' everything.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 11:15, Reply)

Drinkers!
Have a sweet tooth, enjoy smooth beverages and hate hangovers?

Pear cider is the drink for you! It may sound like it'll be utterly satanic, but believe me; 'tis the answer to all ills.
(SurferRosa causing the lamentation of the womenfolk since, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 22:56, Reply)

Stupidity
Top tip: Never advertise your party on myspace OR invite your 17 year old sister to said party (as she will do it for you)

Why? This will happen.

Play safe, kids.
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 22:03, Reply)

Weathered statement
Red sky at night,
Shepheard's delight.
Red sky in the morning,
You are wearing red-tinted glasses.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 16:07, Reply)

Carrying bags – the definitive answer
You’re both wrong. This is what you do:

Find a piece of dowel about the thickness of a broom handle. Failing that, find a broom handle. Then, cut off two lengths such that when held in your hand, a couple of inches will protrude either side. If your hands are anything like mine, they will be about 7” long. You will now have two pieces of dowel roughly the same dimension as your erect cock (well, almost), or your partner’s erect cock if you are of the female persuasion…and have a partner.

Now, you need to cut a reasonably deep notch about 1” in from each end of each ‘knob’….ta daaaa! You are now the proud owner of a pair of placky bag holders which will enable you to carry effortlessly, and painlessly two very heavy bags over long distances. Just hook the handles of the bags over the notches and enjoy.

If you’re quick, you can knock up a pair of these for the wife for that extra-special, hand-crafted, thoughtful gift, though make sure she doesn’t mis-use them, as splinters would be difficult to remove.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 15:27, Reply)

If in doubt...
put it in your mouth.
(fatcatpat, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 14:53, Reply)

If you would prefer....
not to have your QOTW spoiled by some unfunny cunt that thinks they're fucking hilarious, just click 'ignore' next to apeloverage's name
(Gomi No Sensei, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 14:49, Reply)

If someone...
...gets on your nerves/in your way during a traditionally busy shopping period on the high street, simply shoot them twice in the head. They won't bother you again and as an added bonus, any onlookers will subsequently fall over themselves to vacate your path.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 14:34, Reply)