When going for a poo at work...
Select a cubicle next to one that is occupied, start humming and/or singing the dambusters theme, and just before you drop the kids off, call out 'Bombs Away' in the voice of a 1940's RAF pilot.

Sure to worry your colleagues and fellow work pooers.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 10:51, Reply)

helpfull advice from shug
Petrol is a great cure for hemeroids

With luck you get 200 piles to the gallon

Length ?- huge but theres no lass to reap the benefits
(shug, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 23:29, Reply)

Want to give up smoking??
Listen to Rhyddman.......spliffieesssssss woooooooooooorrrrrrrrrkK!!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 18:50, Reply)

...never argue with a fool, they only bring you down to thier level and beat you with experience


elk!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 18:48, Reply)

Bored of England?
Move to Sweden.

We have Elks.



EDIT: for all you picky people.. the plural of Elk is Elk OR Elks: Depending upon whether you're talking about multiple singular occurrences, or a heard ....
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 4 Jan 2007, 10:39, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Cats
Having trouble with cats crapping in your garden-Solution- go to local RSPCA and adopt the biggest scariest(now knackerless) Tomcat. Said Tomcat will then terrify all local cats away AND crap in yor neighbours garden rather than your own--
Another benefit is that you will never have to bother feeding the birds in winter again!!
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Wed 3 Jan 2007, 14:35, Reply)

The Boss
If you want to really annoy somebody (i.e. the Boss) put popcorn kernals in his exhaust pipe...
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Wed 3 Jan 2007, 14:29, Reply)

Curry
if you are going out for a curry put bog rolls in the fridge before you go to bed.
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Wed 3 Jan 2007, 14:28, Reply)

A Nasty Trick
Tried this on a university mate years ago- Put plaque disclosure tablets(about 4 will do it)into said mates beer. The next morning said mate will wake up, have first wee of the day and think he is pissing blood- cue appointments with campus Dr and paranoia for a couple of days about kidney failure!!!
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Wed 3 Jan 2007, 14:18, Reply)

Want to win prizes on "rate my poo"? ... or impress your overly inquisitvie mates?
drink large amounts of food dye. Colour your excrement in wonderful ways. Deep Purple Poo is a wonder to behold. .. though not as musical as you might think..
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 3 Jan 2007, 10:47, Reply)

Are you a Vicar, Priest or Preacher?
Try not to make yourself look like an idiot by putting a lightning conductor on your church... I mean really.. the irony of that one particualr situation makes me chuckle while I sleep.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 3 Jan 2007, 10:45, Reply)

Want lurid green piss to impress your mates?
Drink 1 can of Red Bull, then one can of Dunn's River 'Nourishment' milkshake stuff.

Wait approximately two hours.

Magic.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Wed 3 Jan 2007, 5:59, Reply)

New Years Resolutionists...
who want to stop smoking cigarettes, when craving a 'fag' simply smoke a spliff instead. I've been doing it for a year now and I haven't looked back, and I just do's whats the voices tells me...
(rhyddman, Tue 2 Jan 2007, 10:30, Reply)

Contracts
heres a good one that I swear by..

If your broadband/mobile phone/Satellite TV whatever contact is running out. Don't just let it renew, call the supplier and tell them that you are intending to switch once the contract runs out and they will offer lots of unadvertised discounts to keep your business.

e.g we recently took Sky TV's "top package for £10 for 3 months". They are counting on you letting the trial period elapse so that you start paying the full subscription (£43 in our case) however when I called and asked to be switched to the cheapest package just before the 3 months was up, the operator offered me a deal which, although they don't advertise it, gave me the full package for £10 a month cheaper! (so thats £120 a year saved just for asking) I assume most companies have a "margin" where they can offer discounts to encourage loyalty, works in electrical shops too!
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Tue 2 Jan 2007, 1:17, Reply)

You Tube users..
.. who create "favourite clips of favourite movie/tv show/game, with favourite soft-rock tune over the top" - STOP!

Not only does nobody give a monkey's toss, you also annoy them when they want to find an unedited clip, they have to wade through 4 pages of "my fav Final Fantasy X-2 CGI clips with Kelly Clarkson soundtrack"

Gah!!
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Tue 2 Jan 2007, 1:06, Reply)

Lads
When having a poo lean forwards and back rapidly, letting your tinkle dangle in the bowl. If you can flick your shit onto the tip of your bellend you're a winnah!

Plus, for added benefitty goodness, you also get an anal-sex-experience for free!
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Mon 1 Jan 2007, 14:05, Reply)

Want to quit smoking?
My Grandpapa quit smoking by taking a nap every time he had a craving. Not only did he successfully quit, but the time passed rather quickly. It also works with the subsequent food cravings. Double-whammy.
(evillttlimp is a Ladytron. No seriously she has a suit., Mon 1 Jan 2007, 1:20, Reply)

is someone trying to get you to tell them jokes
so they can compile them into a book?

Make sure half the jokes you tell them are from Viz, then they won't be able to.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 31 Dec 2006, 19:14, Reply)

Twunts calling to sell you shizzle for which you have no bizzle?
Try flogging something to them instead. Examplage:
"Hello sir, my name is Kevin and I'm from Cockbadgers inc., can I ask for some of your spare time so that I can bore you with details of this back-hair straightener?"
"Um...I've got a dead body I don't want... Swapsies?"
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Sun 31 Dec 2006, 18:40, Reply)

Don't answer the door
It could be burgulars
(kiss_my_swingers, Sun 31 Dec 2006, 14:02, Reply)

Before I cum...
...in a girls mouth for the first time, I like to make sure she's at a comfortable angle.

However, this must be balanced against my need to withdraw at a moment's notice, should the parents come in to identify her body.
(misteroz, Fri 29 Dec 2006, 0:29, Reply)

Don't marry my ex-wife!
You'll be like number four or five now, and she tells huuuuuuge fibs. Like the poor sod who she conned into marrying her before telling him she couldn't have kids. Apparently she'd had an emergency hysterectomy after a caesarian without giving permission.

Funny, I remember it being elective and occuring over a year later.

Me, bitter?

Well I am what I drink!
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Thu 28 Dec 2006, 21:38, Reply)

New Year's Resolutions
Start them on Boxing Day ... that way you can give "Giving Up Smoking and Drinking" in time for New Years Eve - It worked for me.

Want more length - smoke 100s
(Biff..., Thu 28 Dec 2006, 12:26, Reply)

a McDonalds 'Big Mac'

makes an ideal substitute for food.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 27 Dec 2006, 9:38, Reply)

top tip
dont slam you're cock in a door.

it hurts.
(konigsred, Tue 26 Dec 2006, 13:26, Reply)

DJs

peer intently at your mixing desk, and occassionally make miniscule adjustments to the tone or volume. That way it looks like you're doing something.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 24 Dec 2006, 14:58, Reply)

New job, 1st Xmas party, Oh dear.........
Shortly after starting a new job where my older bother had pulled a few strings to get me on board, I was invited to a private party held by a member of his department. My bother was a senior manager and ranked above most that attended from our work, I was supposed to be on my best behaviour as it was by way of introducing me to his colleagues. The night went well and I got to meet everyone, played silly party games and impressed the females in attendance by lighting a real fire in the fireplace to warm the place up a bit. The host had received a massive Scalextric set, which was up and running in one of the adjoining ground floor rooms of the house. The party ran into the night and all were welcome to sleep over wherever they dropped. I recall thinking it would be a good idea to crash-out by the fire for warmth and was awoken in the early hours by a rather annoying beep? Every thirty seconds it went off and there was no way of getting back to sleep. So I investigated and discovered it was coming from the next room. The room was almost bear except for the Scalextric layout and the noise was louder. I stumbled around in the darkness and unplugged the transformer, but still the noise wouldn’t stop. I was also bursting for a pee at this point and with my electrical background I knew water could cause a short circuit…
…so there I was pissing all over this guy’s new present as his girlfriend flicked the light switch on and caught me in the act (and it was one of those unstoppable boozed-up police horse type urinations that I couldn’t stem!) …oh dear.
Due to the remoteness of the location, leaving the scene wasn’t an option so I had to suffer the indignity of my total embarrassment the following morning as everyone was informed of my night-time activity. You can imagine my brother’s reaction as we hurriedly made our exit, although my then sister-in-law thought it was very funny.
The story went round the office like wildfire afterwards and I still get reminded of it each Christmas, though the party invites have stopped?!! I found out later that it was someone’s mobile phone beeping away behind a curtain in the same room, just a missed call alert.
(minky, Sun 24 Dec 2006, 11:15, Reply)

Best advice so far
Never, ever apply to work for these twots.

No apologies for length, or the fact that its a sad story at Christmas time.
(Wrecked Tums, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 12:14, Reply)

porn stars

running a little low on cash? Why not raise money by making and selling a cheeky yet amusing calendar featuring you wearing clothes.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 8:51, Reply)