Convince people
you were a test tube baby, by walking around with you arms pressed tightly against your sides.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:38, Reply)

People in Medical Dramas
Concerned that there are spiders crawling over you? Before going mental and screaming whilst trying to flick them all off, look around at everyone else in the boardroom. If they all seem to be spider-free, you're probably just imagining it.
(costas, Thu 15 Sep 2011, 22:12, Reply)

the phrase downs sizing should never be used when talking to parents
of midgets with down syndrome
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 15 Sep 2011, 20:02, Reply)

Imagine you have Down's syndrome
by looking amazed at everything you see.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 15 Sep 2011, 13:04, Reply)

Confuse people when agreeing with them in conversation
by saying "Yeah, no, I know"...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 15 Sep 2011, 11:36, Reply)

Locked in the boot of a recent model VW Passat?
Inside the back panel behind when the logo is in the centre is a small cover. This can then be prised off by hand to reveal a catch that can be used to pop the boot and make your escape.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 15 Sep 2011, 1:26, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

TV weather presenters avoid getting peoples hopes of decent weather up
by not telling us lies



fucktits the lot of them
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 14 Sep 2011, 22:23, Reply)

Girls make ideal Fisher Price Activity Centres for grown-up boys

( smokey bobinson westing by musket and sexton, Wed 14 Sep 2011, 9:28, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Amuse blind people
by putting jokes and amusing anecdotes in Braille on the back of door handles for them to find.

Alternatively, give them a few Stickle Bricks to 'read' and get them to tell you the story.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:39, Reply)

Baby wipes
They are brilliant - I keep a pack everywhere. Wipe down the car interior, clean laptops, clean remote controls and if you're a man, mastabatory excretion. You can't get a more versatile product.
(52486 office lolled on, Sun 11 Sep 2011, 15:31, 8 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Girls! Save money on expensive makeup
by covering your face with various different strengths of sun cream and lying on the beach all day.

Works best if sunbathing naked*



* Possibly
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 12:49, Reply)

Local Authority recycling teams
Why not come and empty the glass-recycling bins at 5 am on a Saturday. Surely nobody will be asleep then.
( Ghoti Fingers, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 5:29, Reply)

cotton buds soaked in petrol and set on fire
make ideal puggle sticks for stag Beatles when involved in illegal cage fights to the death
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 9 Sep 2011, 22:47, Reply)

Pretend you are an anoying and a complete cnut by being
Simon Cowel


oh wait er no thats not right is it ?
sorry that was a fact
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 9 Sep 2011, 22:44, Reply)

Pretend you are a shop
By having old men walk around you slowly.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 9 Sep 2011, 17:59, Reply)

the rotting corpse of a gas-bloated 400 pound Lancashire sow
makes an ideal 'Kerry Katona' themed sex doll, albeit without the annoying self-pitying ignorant whining.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 9 Sep 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Pretend you are an old man
by walking slowly 'round shops with your arms behind your back...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 9 Sep 2011, 13:46, Reply)

if you sit on your arm for 20 minutes
while putting your willy through a hole to the next cubicle in a public toilet on Hamstead Heath, it will pretty soon feel like someone else is wanking you off.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 9 Sep 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Guarantee loads of great publicity for your new TV show
by giving lots of money to convicted woman beaters. Also, change the name of the next series to Black & Blue
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 9 Sep 2011, 8:49, Reply)

OLD PEOPLE
Save time in conversation by buying an 'I am 83' birthday badge from your local greetings card shop, adding the words '"y'know" in magic marker underneath and pointing at it regularly.
(DubstepBetty Down wiv der kids since 1972, Fri 9 Sep 2011, 2:39, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

APPLY to go on Dragon's Den
And if successful request £500,000 for 10% equity in your new TV show that involves budding entrepreneurs appearing before a panel of well known, established business people and asking for money in exchange for a stake in their brilliant new business venture. Further increase your chances of success by promising Deborah Meaden lots of cake if she chooses to invest.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 8 Sep 2011, 14:15, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Avoid being bombarded
with invites to run a farm, keep fish or join a fucking mob by using google+ instead.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 8 Sep 2011, 12:04, 8 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Have a wank.
Go on, you'll be glad you did!
(Discocat is bringing sexy back, Thu 8 Sep 2011, 10:43, 7 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Prevent unwanted erections
By hitting the end of it with a cold spoon.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 8 Sep 2011, 8:56, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Waterproof your socks
by wearing plastic bags inside your shoes
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 14:20, 7 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Prevent young children looking at filth on the internet
By removing their eyes with a spoon.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 12:59, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Belisha Beacons
make excellent ‘Chupa Chups’ for giants...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 5 Sep 2011, 14:41, Reply)

Grooming Tip
Whilst it may seem like a perfectly logical extension of the service, I would strongly advise against using pedicure fish to clean your bell-end.
(costas, Sun 4 Sep 2011, 21:55, 7 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Catching a train and are baulking at the prices?
If your original journey involves at least one change, consider splitting it into several trips.

Case in point; my eldest has to go to Blackburn on Thursday. He will catch the 06:37 from Hull to arrive in Leeds at 07:35, there he will change to catch the 07:51 to arrive in Blackburn for 09:15. This will cost him £39.80.

Alternatively, he buys a single ticket to Leeds for £9, for the same train. Then buys a return from Leeds to Blackburn for £14.70, again catching the same 07:51 train. Then buys another single from Leeds back to Hull, again £9. This combination of 2 singles and that return will cost a total of £32.70, saving him £7.10 which will cover his bus fare from home to the station plus his lunch.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 4 Sep 2011, 16:04, 11 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Pretend you are a blind Sherlock Holmes
By looking at everything whilst holding a small frying pan to your eye
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 4 Sep 2011, 14:59, Reply)