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This is a question Top Tips

Got a great tip? Share it with us. You know, stuff like "Prevent sneezing by pressing you index finger firmly between your nose and your upper lip."

(, Wed 29 Nov 2006, 16:33)
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Haematoma!
Be potentially life-threatening by being subdural.
(, Wed 10 Jul 2013, 19:11, 1 reply, 11 years ago)
Haemoglobin!
Be important in Placebo songs.
(, Wed 10 Jul 2013, 15:18, Reply)
Haemorhoids!
Hang around in the back of people's arseholes like silly, useless things.
(, Wed 10 Jul 2013, 14:24, Reply)
Adenoids!
Hang around in the back of people's throads like silly, useless things.
(, Wed 10 Jul 2013, 13:31, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)
Humanoids!
Avoid imperial entanglements by having a Jedi do a mind trick on stormtroopers that are looking for you.
(, Wed 10 Jul 2013, 13:10, Reply)
Humanists!
Cheer up, you miserable bastards.
(, Wed 10 Jul 2013, 12:16, Reply)
Scottish people.
Make sure everybody knows where you are from by walking around with a dour expression on your face all the time.
(, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:33, Reply)
Americans
make sure everybody knows where you're from by saying 'I'm from the United States', and waiting for people to say 'Oh wow, really?'.
(, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:32, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)
Irish band members
make sure everybody knows where you're from by responding to requests to do 'something typically Irish' by getting drunk and digging up the pub car park.
(, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:30, Reply)
Northeners
Make sure everybody knows you're not from the South by calling everybody 'duck', and wearing shitty clothes.
(, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:28, Reply)
Londoners!
When in some form of confabulation, ensure everyone is clear that you're taking the diplomatic route by calling your adversary "Bruv".
(, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:57, Reply)
Theme park owners
Tap into the lucrative organ harvesting market by building roller coasters with brick walls across the tracks.
(, Sun 7 Jul 2013, 19:49, Reply)
Advertise yourself as dense
By calling the number you put in at a cash machine a PIN NUMBER
(, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 20:17, 4 replies, latest was 11 years ago)
4od
Allow anyone to watch 7873 episodes of anything that has adult content. And then when you want to watch Peepshow series 8 episode 1 ask for a fucking PIN no one ever set up ever. You absolute cunt.
(, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 20:16, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)
Women!
Make your partner hate you by getting pregnant after skipping your pill and presenting him with a "so what are you gonna do about it?". It helps if you're both employed in the same workplace with mutual friends, to stop him leaving you. For added effect, after your second or third pregnancy announce that you can't work any more because childcare costs too much and force him to stay full-time in a job he despises and was on the point of quitting before your first child. Then, after your insatiable shopping habits drive him to grab every piece of overtime he can get his hands on purely to keep your family afloat, spend your every waking hour on facebook complaining what a shit dad he is because he never sees his kids.
(, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 19:10, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)
Prevent being caught out whilst walking when drunk,
for example, after getting back into work after lunch, by focusing on the area you want to get to, then holding your breath as you walk confidently towards it. Dont stop or converse with anyone until you get to your destination.
(, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 14:45, Reply)
When your heart is black and broken and you need a helping hand; when you're so much in love you don't know how much more you can stand; when your questions go unanswered, and the silence is killing you
Take my hand.
(, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 14:44, 1 reply, 11 years ago)
Pretend you are off 'Dallas'
By drinking your white cider from a champagne flute.
(, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 14:43, Reply)
Disposable contact lenses make an ideal Center Parcs for amoebas.

(, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 14:30, Reply)
Ant infestation
Kill them by hitting them with a tin of cheap ant powder.
(, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 13:17, Reply)
Trekkies, Going to a convention but can't afford a new costume?
Save money on a costume by simply super gluing a Cornish pasty to your head and covering your body in kitchen foil for a cheap and effective Klingon costume. Plus bonus points for using an out of date pasty for that authentic Klingon smell.
(, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 11:20, Reply)
Kill the king
'cos love is the law.
(, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 10:59, 1 reply, 11 years ago)
Elephant tusks make ideal posh cocktail sticks.
You can make hundreds from each one.
(, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 9:27, Reply)
Do you do Tai Chi?
why not practice somewhere really public and show off how spiritual you are to everyone

like the chap with dredlocks who was practising his Tai Chi in Estvilvlle park Bristol right on the corner in view of everybody in two whole roads full of cars stuck in traffic. I bet they all looked out and saw him and thought "look at that really spiritual man"**


**NB they didn't Mr dreadlocked to a man/women/child they thought "look at that cunt/twat/wally" depending on age/sex/level of swearyness
(, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 14:34, 13 replies, latest was 11 years ago)
Humanity! Breed more, until you cover the surface of the planet like so many cancerous rats.
For extra lols, steadily destroy the environment on which you are totally dependent, to the point that you actually award each other for having clean beaches because they're such a rarity. Start wars with each other over a made-up fairy tale, and moan about people from other parts of the planet aren't like the people from the part of the planet you're from. Couple this with pretentious and arrogant self-aggrandisement, but refer to it as "philosophy". Delight in and celebrate your children, while simultaneously feeding them a steady diet of ultraviolent games and sexualised images, then scold them for misbehaving. As they start to behave in the exact same ways that you did at their age, and take interest in exactly the same things that you did, tell them how your generation did it better in every single way. Practice moaning constantly about every single aspect of their decision-making, and when they start to ignore you complain about disrespect. In your dotage try to make a final stab at patronising everyone you know, and then die, without any significant note or difference made to the universe at all.
(, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 11:34, 9 replies, latest was 11 years ago)
Practice calling Andy Murray British.
Just in case.
(, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 10:56, Reply)
Parents!
Be proud of your functioning gonads, and delight in your children. Not like those tedious jaffas, who loudly proclaim their dislike of parenting and children, in an effort to mask the fact that no one wants to sleep with them .
(, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 9:49, 1 reply, 11 years ago)
Cocktail sticks make
idea chopsticks for cats.
(, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 17:21, Reply)

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