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Got a great tip? Share it with us. You know, stuff like "Prevent sneezing by pressing you index finger firmly between your nose and your upper lip."

(, Wed 29 Nov 2006, 16:33)
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Toothpicks
Keep 'em by the bed. Useful for removing pubes caught between the teeth.
(, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 23:18, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
A good way to lose, well, you'll get the point... or not, hopefully.
Apologies for length, always looks bigger in retrospect:

On Saturday, went for an MRI scan accompanied by Friend. Hung around in the waiting room for a while, wondering why "Shooting Monthly" appeared to be the only magazine available to pass the time.

A nurse approached and escorted me outside, leaving Friend in the waiting room ("he'll be half an hour-ish") through the car park, to a large trailer, and up some rickety metal steps into a small room filled with two nurses, two computers, and myself.

"Pop through that door please, take off your trousers, and put the gown on so that it opens at the back, then lie down on the bench".

"OK..."

I'm greeted by a large cylinder, some six feet long, just big enough to get a corpse, erm I mean a body, inside.

I get undressed and lie on the bench. Then I get up, put the gown on, and then lie back down again...

The nurse knocks on the door, and enters, fiddles with a few knobs and causes the bench to rise.

She then ties my ankles together and gives me a squeezy rubber panic button to use in the event of "an emergency", and places a weighty padded matting over the area to be scanned.

(An emergency? What emergency? And what's that mat doing over my groin?)

"Put these headphones on please. It deadens the noise. I can play some music if you want?"

(Noise? What noise?)

"Yes, please. Thanks".

Nurse leaves the room and the bench rises further and begins to slide into the middle of the cylinder, so my head is protruding out the other side.

Then the opera music begins...

"Is that OK, sir?", she says through an intercom system built into the headphones.

"Yes", I say politely, "that's fine".

"Right, we're going to do six scans. Each takes around two minutes".

Thirty seconds later the noise starts, kind of like having a cross between a pneumatic drill and a machine gun go off next to your ears... all the while being faintly masked by indistinguishable opera music.

Which then begins to skip and gets stuck, playing the same section of music every five seconds or so.

They don't notice. Is this what they mean by an emergency? I think not... best lie back and think of England.

Being a man, thoughts eventually drift around to sex (after about three minutes) which has an undesirable side effect best left to the imagination - or best left OUT of the imagination...

Thinks: "Oh hell, will this affect the scan?! What if it moves the matting..." (as if...)

In situations like this, lying in a large electromagnet listening to a stuck opera CD and being assaulted by sounds of pneumatic drills and machine guns, whilst attempting to lift a heavy object using the power of the force, I always wish I'd listened to what my Father said...

And that's it of course, the magic thought at any age. Thank God for parents...

And then the sounds stop as the bench moves outside the cylinder again; the juddering opera is interrupted by a voice: "That's it now Sir, all over".

The nurse comes in, removes the immovable, unties my ankles, leaves the room, I get dressed, and am escorted back to the waiting room, hoping Friend hasn't had any ideas from reading the "Shooting Monthly" that she looks up from when I enter.

"How did it go?" she asks.

"Oh, fine..."
(, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 19:59, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
B&Q
As you know I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams
but I had a close call yesterday, and thought I should alert you.


I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me
if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the
end of that.

Those with slower reactions might not be so lucky. Please keep your wits
about you next time you go to one of these DIY places.

*tumbleweed*
(, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 16:33, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Offer your friends a black eye and when they decline accuse them of being racist.
Then boil your own face.
Test your poop
(, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:16, Reply)
If you don't like a particular part of the interweb....
No names....

Then stop fucking reading it!


/genius
(, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:08, Reply)
Get Rich or be a perve with impunity
Start a company called "wank o'gram" and when you see nice chicks in the pub you can jump on their table and wank all over them and say it was a gift/present from xyz and they cant abuse you or be mean because you are just doing your job and have 4 kids to feed etc.
(, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 10:13, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Convince friends than your hammer is a spanner by holding it upside down and saying "I'll smash you fucking face in if you say this isn't a spanner"
and then go waterskiing on Viz lake.
(, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 9:49, Reply)
I'm standing on a chair doing a Hitler salute.
How fucking cool is that though?
I KNOW!
(, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 1:15, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Increase the weight-lifting potency of helium baloons
by replacing the nitrogen in the atmosphere with xenon.
(, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 21:43, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Spend all Thursday holding down F5 on the QOTW page so you can post "FIRST" the minute the QOTW changes making you the envy of your emo site-ruining peers.
Then fuck off and die of cancer.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:34, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Ladies....
If your going to wear a mini skirt with black tights, make sure there isn't an obvious man-custard stain running down the back of one of the legs before going shopping in town.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 12:46, Reply)
Online poker players
Ensure you make friends in the real world when you play in real life tournaments and cash tables by going all in every hand. And then, to make it just like your internet poker world, complain loudly to everyone about your bad beat when someone smashs you with a full house.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 0:41, Reply)
Going postal
If you are seeking compensation for Royal Mail's failure to deliver two letters to the same address within a week of each other, do not heed their advice to send in your receipt and compensation form via their postal service.
(, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 18:48, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Parents
Don't bother teaching a sense of respect and responsibility to your children. Hell don't even bother teaching them to eat with a knife and fork or how to speak.
Teacher have naff all to do all day. I mean really, they knock off at 4 and have 13 weeks holiday a year. Let them do it.
(, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 18:00, Reply)
Instead of spending money on sunbeds...
to get that golden tan you want, wait till Summer
(, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 19:06, Reply)
Next door neighbours girlfriend...
Will you please either shut your curtains or stand on your bed when you are getting undressed - the partial glimpses are doing my head in.
(, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 14:28, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Ever wondered what the sweetest of forbidden meats tastes like?
The solution is simple. Turn to cannibalism.

Buy a refrigerated meat-van.

Run over cyclists on quiet country lanes.

Put 'em in the back.

Eat at your leisure.

It's a fuckin' win-win situation. No evidence to hide, no risk of meat spoiling, and you won't get fresher than that.
(, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 22:48, 6 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Step to the left!
Reading this has reminded me of one of life's most embarrassing situations - that little dance from side to side you do when you find yourself almost walking into someone.

The solution, however, is so simple it should be taught in schools - Everyone should step to their left. If everyone followed this simple rule, the world would be a safer and calmer place. Unless, that is, you find yourself up against your own reflection, or on the continent (where obviously the rule is to step right).
(, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 18:16, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Comedy Award panels.
Destroy any credibility your award has by giving it to comedians from Grays, Essex.
(, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 0:30, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Farmers....
get rid of unwanted new-age travellers from your land by simply fire-bombing the village post office, the crusty blighters will soon bugger off when they find there's no-where to cash their giros.
(, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 18:39, Reply)
If you like fisting
Go out with a bird who's had children with natural childbirth. Trust me.
(, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 15:50, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
I like eggs.

(, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 10:24, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Find love
Find ugly women to shack up with who have many kids and therefore massive weekly benefits payments with new

"GIRO-GOGGLES"

Guaranteed to help you find love with a large giro-cheque wielding kraken.
(, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 1:03, Reply)
Earn cash
Exploiting your kids for financial gain? Bury them in a Portuguese barn rather than just hide them in some retard's divan.
(, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 0:58, Reply)
You know the leftover crumbs at the end of cereal boxes?
save them for use as the crumble in apple crumble! yaaaaaeey!
(, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 17:29, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
For the men: Masturbate by fucking a cup full of raw, room-temperature ground beef.
Feels great, and unlike when you use a jar of worms, you can grill up a burger afterwards if you like.
(, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 15:25, Reply)

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