Shoe in a bag
When placing your shoe in the freezer for the purposes of removing dog shit, place it in a plastic bag first.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 13:50, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Shit on your shoe
If you tread in some dog shit, simply place your shoe in the freezer. Once the dog shit is frozen it is easy to remove and dispose of.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 13:50, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Or shave in the shower
Wash stubble thoroughly with nice hot water, wash rest of you, wash stubble again, by which time the hot water will have softened it all up and opened the pores.

Shave it off.

Spend most of the money you save from not buying shaving soap/foam+after shave on beers and prossies. Waste the rest.

(My spots cleared up pretty soon after giving up all those expensive 'good for the skin' products too...)
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 13:47, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I need your Top Tips!
One of my three cats keeps pissing on the hob when I'm out at work! The cat flap is open, the litter tray is clean (despite the flap being open) and yet at least one persists in peeing on the hob once a week.

How do I stop them!
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 20:52, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ouch
When you have a boil on your perineum, do not sit down too heavily on a wooden chair.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 20:20, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Channel 4
If you make a On Demand service that coughs and stutters making programs unwatchable, make sure you bork the 'contact us' for so no one can complain.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 26 Apr 2009, 18:36, Reply)

Like fart jokes but dont want appear lowbrow?
have PV=nRT tattooed on your buttocks.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 26 Apr 2009, 17:13, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Flies?
Keep the flies off your dead girlfriends vagina by spreading jam on her face.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 19:12, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

sticky labels you can`t remove?
You need gaffer tape, especially if it is on a porous surface where solvents make goo.
Take the gaffer tape and repeatedly rub it down and pull it back off. in bits the label and its sticky will go onto the tape.

Also works for hair removal as well as any other method.
(Not recommended for testicular hair though)
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 19:21, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Curtains...
...make convenient towels to wipe the man-muck off your post-wank hands.

And best of all, nearly every room has them!
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 13:59, Reply)

Britain's Got Talent/X Factor hopefuls
When Simon Cowell asks you the question 'Who would you like to be as successful as?' (the aim, of course, being to make you look a deluded knob when you muff up), try replying "Steve Brookstein... Possibly even George Sampson?"
(costas, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 10:27, Reply)

Addition to riverghost's shaving tip:
Don't shave in a sink/with running water/in your bath.

Boil a cup of water and use that.

Add razor when boiled and soap up.

You'll have a better shave with the hot water and it's cheaper too.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 12:53, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Alistair Darling
Next time you deliver a budget speech, try wearing a red nose and comedy bow tie.

It might make you look less of a cunt.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 23 Apr 2009, 10:41, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

T-Mobile
Despite seeing your advertising banner several hundred times over the last few days, I have so far resisted the urge to 'Make Aston Dance'. I imagine other web users are similarly reluctant.

Why not boost your click-rate by instead offering users the opportunity to 'Kick Aston's Zany Fucking Arse Through His Smug Fucking Face Before Raping Him With a Digger'?
(costas, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 17:56, Reply)

Fat & ugly?
haha!!!

.....errrr, sorry I meant to say go on a diet and get some make up.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 16:09, Reply)

Poor?
Don't put up any curtains. Spend the money you save on vas.

Charge anyone who sees you wanking.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 13:41, Reply)

If you bump into a celebrity
Don't ask them for their autograph - few people carry a pen and paper these days, so they'll be unable to give you their signature.

Move with the times - ask them for their email address and password instead.
(Capo, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 8:32, Reply)

Exhibitionist?
*Never* close your curtains when wanking.

Turn all your lights on too
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 8:16, Reply)

Top recession tip.
Shaving brush = £3
Good shaving soap (years supply) = £3
Traditional pop a new razorblade razor (inc 5 razors) = £5
10 replacements razors = £2.50.
Extra time shaving = Plus 10%
Time shaving soap lasts = 1 or 2 years
Time one blade lasts = £same as post 2000 blade razors.

Money saved over a year = about £100.
( riverghost servicing your mum since, Tue 21 Apr 2009, 19:48, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Never underestimate a shrew.

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 20 Apr 2009, 12:49, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wanking?
Always close the curtains first.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 20 Apr 2009, 0:01, Reply)

Councils
When building council houses in the early 1970s, make future residents think they live in a funhouse by completely neglecting to include a single right-angle in the entire property.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 17:59, Reply)

Gaffer tape doesn't work as a lube

( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 16 Apr 2009, 23:57, Reply)

Are you...
...a politician who's really fucked the country up?

Just say sorry, nobody resigns for such trivial things these days.
(BombayMick Dogs are better than cats, Thu 16 Apr 2009, 17:03, Reply)

Found Money

Just found a large wad of money on the pavement?

Don't jump up and down and scream like a little girl or a bigger man will punch you and run away with it.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 16 Apr 2009, 15:03, Reply)

Are you on facebook?
Do you update you status every hour?

Just so you know.. I dont care what you had for breakfast, that you're going to town, when you're going to town, what you bought from town, that you are getting pissed tonight, that you miss someone, that you're with Deano, what you're watching on TV and I ESPECIALLY do not give a FLYING FUCK that you are bored

Either tell me something interesting or go outside and do something useful with your life... Or just die.
(i should have joined myspace, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 23:42, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Lads! Want to lose your virginity in a hurry?
Then befriend a member of a certain profession; play your cards right, and they might well point you in the direction of gorgeous legal unattached lasses with fannies tighter than a vice, who not only won't say no, they won't even charge you for the service.

Yes folks, there are some real perks to knowing an undertaker.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 14 Apr 2009, 18:42, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Never, and I mean never
give a bloke a Screwfix catalogue. It is like a huge bumper book of porn. If said bloke has the cash spare, he WILL go out and buy stuff that he doesn't need and will probably never use. What makes it especially bad is that you can often get a pack of 10 of something from Screwfix for about the same price as maybe 3 from B&Q.

I wanted 2 metal back-boxes for some double sockets. I have 8 left in the shed.

That's just an example. My shed is full of stuff I'll never use. Thanks to the Screwfix catalogue.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 13 Apr 2009, 16:36, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

when being subjected to verbal abuse
whilst being several proverbial sheets to the wind, uttering the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" may result in a long trudge back from A&E to your flat with a rather fetching stone-shaped bruise on your forehead.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Sun 12 Apr 2009, 22:42, Reply)

supermarkets 2
When aggressively promoting reusable bags, ensure that the self-service checkouts do not make it awkward to use the bags you've brought with you.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 12 Apr 2009, 0:22, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)