Coma playlist
In the likely event of you becoming comatose in the future, create a playlist on your generic mp3 player called 'coma' and then your loved ones can play tunes that will revive you from your near death experience. Don't just put nice ones in, put ones that enrage you also like the cheeky girls or joe dolce as that might get you up roaring and screaming.

Also, do a playlist called 'funeral' but put some fake mp3 files in with you swearing and cursing at your family for being scum - then when they play it at your funeral you'll get the last laugh, although you'll be dead and incapable of using your lungs.
(bagend, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:42, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bored?
Select a destination on your Satellite Navigation device then place it facing away from you* and follow the spoken instructions.
Hours of fun.**

*forwards/back to front/wrong way round/whatever you want to call it.

**I accept no responsibility if you drive over a cliff and die.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:05, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Regarding all that surgery talk down there
If you are having general anaesthesia and usually puke from it, request 5mg of metachlopromide before the surgery and 5mg after. It's an anti-emetic and works a treat
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 12 May 2009, 2:07, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Annoy parents and primary school teachers
by turning up in the girls' changing rooms with a deck-chair and some popcorn.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 11 May 2009, 11:25, Reply)

Beggars
Sit on street corners with a scrawny dog on a bit of blue rope.

And then ruin your credibility by waiting for the bus back to a nearby town along with at least a dozen other beggars each with a scrawny dog on a bit of blue rope, thus giving the impression that you've been to some sort of tramp convention
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 11 May 2009, 11:19, Reply)

Beggars
learn to do something interesting, this way people are more likely to give you money.

let's face it, what else are you going to do with your time?

Take a leaf out of the bloke in Cardiff's book. Playing the violin while on one leg on a tight rope is a skill worthy of some coin.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 May 2009, 10:36, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Annoy security guards
in shops by stealing something and then goading them into chasing you off the premises.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 10 May 2009, 19:42, Reply)

Have a hatred for a nearby family?
Start a rumour that one of them is on the sex-offenders register. People automatically assume that everyone on the register is a Ian Huntley wannabe and at some point after a few beers, someone will go round and smash all the windows or daub "nonce" on the front door, threatening to slit the throat of anyone who comes out of the house.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 10 May 2009, 19:41, Reply)

Have neighbours from hell
Create a route into their loft from yours and steal all their loft insulation.

Then on the night, remove all the sealant from around their double glazing.

Within months, they'll not be able to afford their heating bill and thus will have to move out and find somewhere cheaper to live.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 10 May 2009, 19:36, Reply)

Hurdles
If the hurdle is too high, inject Red Bull into your pituitary gland in order to kick start it into producing growth hormone, thus gaining longer legs.

This may take a while and thus you'll most likely lose the race.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 10 May 2009, 19:33, Reply)

Avoid
the indignity of earning minimum wage selling local newspapers on street corners by finding a homeless person and everytime he says "Big Issue", run around him in a circle and say "Bless you"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 10 May 2009, 19:30, Reply)

instead of buying the Big Issue from homelesses, give them a copy of the local jobs paper with the minimum wage jobs already circled

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Sat 9 May 2009, 20:55, Reply)

People suffering from hangovers!
If you're worried you're going to be sick quickly eat as many jam doughnuts as you can. It won't stop you vomiting but it will make your vomit taste lovely and jammy!
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Sat 9 May 2009, 18:24, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Beggars
Don't get really shouty and aggressive when I don't give you any change.

You beg in the same spot most days. I walk past you most days. If you are rude, it will prevent me from EVER giving you any change, whereas if you were pleasant it might actually increase the likelihood.

Please bear in mind in future.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 8 May 2009, 12:01, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Always warm your pot first.

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 7 May 2009, 12:32, Reply)

hurdles
if the hurdle is too high - go around it. Simple solution.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 7 May 2009, 7:48, Reply)

Wisdom teeth
Don't have GA, it means you have to inconvenience someone else to accompany you home afterwards. Be a man (or independent woman) and have them removed under local. Also, this means you're aware of what's going on.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 6 May 2009, 14:34, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Parenting Tip
Planning on helping two or more children to bake cakes? Be aware that every last aspect of the procedure - sieving the flour, cracking the eggs, licking the bowl - must be divided precisely between all participants. Any perceived inaccuracy in the sharing will be met with a kick-off of vintage McEnroe proportions.

In order to hone your skills, why not practice on a more straightforward sharing task beforehand, such as resolving the Israeli-Palestine conflict?
(costas, Wed 6 May 2009, 12:59, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Rubbing linseed oil and cigarette ash into your legs is a good way to make your legs smell of linseed oil and cigarette ash

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 5 May 2009, 15:47, Reply)

Top Tip!
Don't casually mention to your workmates in your work canteen that the new picture of Maddie age 6 is a lot less sexy than the one at age 4.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 4 May 2009, 20:52, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wisdom Teeth Removal - top tips
Deciding to have it done.

1: Feelings on wisdom teeth differ. However, if yours are impacted, it doesn't necessarily mean that they have to be hoiked out. They should only be removed if they are actually causing you hassle, or may cause you bother in the future.

2: If you are going to have them done, then try wherever possible to have them all done at once.

3: If possible, always try to have them done at hospital. 'Tis free.

4: The best people to yank 'em out aren't necessarily the dental hospital. If you can, try and get referred to maxillofacial surgery, as they are both surgeons AND dentists. And very good at jigsaws.

BEFORE THE OP

1: When you go for your pre-op, ask for general anaesthetic (or sedation if that's not possible). This makes the whole experience much easier. Trust me.

2: If you have concerns, ASK the docs. There's no such thing as a silly question when people are pulling bits out of your body.

3: Try if possible to give up smoking. I'll explain why later.

4: The day of the op, you'll probably be nil by mouth from midnight if going for GA. If not, about 1 hour prior to the op, take 2 x 400mg ibuprofen tablets. This will help with the swelling.

THE OP:

1: If you are asleep for it, well done. Your part in this is fairly limited.

2: If not, chances are you're getting midazolam. Be aware, that this stuff SERIOUSLY lowers your inhibitions, and you can say stuff you may later regret! (although you won't know about it.) However, you'll not remember a thing and will have a generally nice time.

3: If it is local only, then for the love of St Maddie of Portugal, let them know if you feel ANY pain straight away.

4: You will feel a LOT of tugging. The surgeon will probably be sweating like Josef Fritzl watching Changing Rooms. There will be cracking noises. This is all normal (but still horrific).

IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE OP.

1: If you had a general, you will likely wake up aching a bit and with a terrible thirst. This is the bad bit I'm afraid. You usually wont be allowed to drink for about 2 hours after the op, as the blood clot needs time to form. Take some wet-wipes or bits of gauze to moisten your lips.

2: You WILL bleed.

3: You are likely to feel like shite. When you are under, they will likely give you some painkillers (including a diclofenac up the old nipsy, so make sure all tagnuts are removed prior to going under.) These WILL wear off.

4: The bleeding will mainly cease within about 1-2 hours. You may find that they have given you some dissolvable stitches. Otherwise, you may have some gauze to bite down on to stop the bleeding. If it starts again (a lot) then let someone know.

RECOVERING.

1: Right, let's talk drugs. You are going to need them. They usually give you some painkillers to go home with, but what I would suggest is to stock up on the following:
a: paracetamol
b: aspirin (soluble)
C: senna
Why senna? Well, chances are that they will give you codeine, which bungs you up like nobody's business. Unless you want to be producing brown trout you could use as piers for a 6-lane suspension bridge, you'll want something to soften them up. The paracetamol is because you (or they) will run out otherwise, and the aspirin is for later on.

2: Chances are you'll also be given mouthwash. Use it. For the love of fuck, use it. Your mouth is dirtier than your ringpiece, and unless you want an abscess or infection, then you want to keep it as clean as possible. If you are not given any, nip to boots and buy a bottle of oraldene (bright pink stuff.) Use it after every meal.

3: Day 1 post op, you'll probably feel not too bad. Don't let this lull you. You've still got a substantial amount of anaesthetic in your bloodstream.

4: Take your painkillers REGULARLY. It takes most pain killers around 1-2 hours to reach peak plasma concentration, so if you are in pain, it's going to take ages to wear off.

5: Week 1 is going to be, unfortunately, quite unpleasant (but no worse than the pain you had beforehand!). Lots of soup is your friend, as are muller rice. These were literally the only thing I could eat, and they have the advantage of being quite nutritious. Get a bag of value frozen peas and use this for about 15 minutes a few times a day for the swelling.

6: Hot drinks might well hurt. Be careful.

7: Beware of dry socket. Dry socket is quite frankly, the worst pain in the world. It occurs when the blood clot drops out of the socket. Basically that means there's nothing between the exposed bone/nerve and the outside world. It hurts like a prolonged kick to the nuts. A big risk factor to getting this is smoking (due to the sucking action and smoke drying out your mouth) so this is why I recommend giving up if you can.

8: Aspirin: This is your friend. If you are getting severe pain, then 2 x 300mg soluble aspirin in your mouth and chewed up WILL help the pain straight off. Then rinse your mouth and swallow.

9: Make sure you don't overdose by accident!

10: If you find the pain is not going by end of week 1, or if you get a sore throat or similar, nip to the dentist for some antibiotics.

11: If you are prescribed metranidazole, please read this carefully: DO NOT FUCKING DRINK ALCOHOL. Really. I am not fucking kidding.

12: The stitches feel weird as fuck in your mouth, but will dissolve eventually.

13: You may find that little shards of bone/teeth will come through the socket over the recovery period. Don't worry. This is normal.

In conclusion, people frighten the fuck out of you when they talk about wisdom teeth removal. Remember, it's not as bad as everyone says. Trust me. If you're worried, don't hesitate to ask for a second opinion!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sun 3 May 2009, 4:51, 16 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Go out and enjoy the sun
before it's gone.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 2 May 2009, 11:50, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Lazy?
If you stack your dishes in the sink upside down, then they don't collect water - meaning you can ignore the washing up for longer before it starts to smell...
(13thfloor, Fri 1 May 2009, 20:51, Reply)

Following on from Mr Oli
Bulk buy all your buns from the supermarker and freeze them.

When it comes to making your sandwiches the butter will spread easier without tearing the bread.

The bread will be defrosted but still lovely and chilled come lunchtime at work.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 13:30, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fly problem?
cant afford those expensive fly swats or fly spray?

Simply use...your hoover.

Trust me.

if your really good - you can suck them up - mid flight, other wise wait until they spaz out in the space between the blinds and window.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 13:28, Reply)

Just bought a nice tasty loaf of fresh bread from a supermarket bakery?
Wrap it in a carrier bag and stick it in the fridge. Will be soft for days.

Or, if you prefer chewing brick, leave it in its "Stay Fresh!" slightly-thicker-than-clingfilm wank wrap for a single night.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 13:07, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

want to quit smoking?
suck lollipops, they work a treat, and I'm finally off the cancer sticks now

*willpower required
(Lord Chode, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 18:15, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Still bored on the way to work?
Have a wank and post your story on this weeks QOTW!
(zebby wasting irony here on, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 13:34, Reply)

Bored on the way to work?
Sitting on the bus/train/tube, simply pretend you're on the phone to a friend and tell them about your recent 4 week tour of Mexico.

Hang up.

Then sneeze.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 9:05, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Having trouble picking up women?
4 pints.

No more, no less.
(loltard Pfft, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 3:09, 1 reply, 16 years ago)