Blu-Tac
that lovable stuff you moulded penises out of in school is a bastard.
getting that shit off a wall is hell, especially after a while as it gets a firmer hold with age. using it on wallpaper is bad too because taking it off usually leads to a re-wallpapering job. despair no longer people because I have a solution. if there is some blu-tac left on a wall, little shitty bits that wont shift, use another blob of smurf shit to dab the rest off. peice of piss. that remarkably simple idea took me ages to realise. its just too easy. use the same technique for wallpaper but be a bit more gentle as wallpaper is frail and puny.
(S.I.M.O.N. wants a piece of your coopcock., Tue 26 May 2009, 12:24, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Underpants
brown ones are best.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Mon 25 May 2009, 17:10, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Still in student mindset
Even though it's almost a year since I left university, I still skimp on 'luxuries' such as re-heating food.
Instead just eat it cold, saving the gas/electricity. Then use some of this saved energy to have a nice cuppa, thus warming up the cold food in your stomach, and providing adequate hydration

...But wait! Aren't kettles horribly inefficient?! bugger...
(Mr Alexander si rsdawkcab, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:33, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Waiting at a pedestrian crossing?
Try pressing the fucking button rather than just staring at traffic.
I mean really, it's hardly new fucking technology is it you dumb fucks?

Also when I turn up and actually press the button, don't stare at me like I'm sacrificing a fucking chicken to the god of road crossing!

You dumb fucks.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 25 May 2009, 12:21, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A budget tip for Mr Darling
I received this in an email earlier, I don't know if it's been posted elsewhere on B3ta, but it's not in here.

~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Darling,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:


There are about 15 million people over 50 in the work force. - Pay them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Fifteen million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Fifteen million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They must send their kids to school / college /university - Crime rate fixed

5) Buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week there's your money back in duty / tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
~~~~~~~~~
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 23 May 2009, 18:44, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If you choose to display a sticker in the back of your car,
reading, "I'm sticking to the limit!!"

Then please: stick to the limit.

Not 15 miles per fucking hour below it.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 22 May 2009, 23:20, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Misplaced your offspring? dont know where to turn?
Don't ask the Mcann's they are chuffin useless....

really thats it now..
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Fri 22 May 2009, 14:18, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

thinking of joining Twitter?
Don't, it's shit..

running out of ideas now.....
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:54, Reply)

So your married to a Model with huge tits and have a semi successful pop career?
It'll never last.....
Muwhahahahaha! karma gotta love it
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:53, Reply)

Epileptic Friends
Are not the best company at local raves!
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:47, Reply)

Sat at home day in day out, bored of daytime TV?
get a fucking job you scrounger!
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:44, Reply)

Always choose "Log Out",
not "Shut Down", when ending a remote session to a production server.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 22 May 2009, 10:41, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Headaches
Men, fancy a blow job but girlfriend's got a headache? Simply crush an aspirin and sprinkle it over the end of your knob.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 22 May 2009, 8:09, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tight with money???
Don’t spend £4 on getting a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for 75p
(Kia Ora it's 2 orangey 4 crows, it's just 4 me and my dog, Thu 21 May 2009, 16:06, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Women
At the supermarket checkout, how about actually having your fucking purse out and being ready to pay - instead of waiting for the cashier to let you know the total THEN deciding it might be a good idea to locate it? (and in the process, spending 2 minutes finding it)

Just an idea.
(fatboybubba, Thu 21 May 2009, 10:43, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ghetto rats and fat middle aged women...
Why not cause hilarity and make yourself look cool at the cash point by equally splitting all of your meagre finances between 3 or 4 different bank accounts? This way when you need to withdraw some money you can simply stand at the cash machine all day inserting your cash cards and sucking your teeth until you "win" by guessing the appropriate account which has some money left in it!
(aroe_m0rre, Wed 20 May 2009, 12:48, Reply)

Got Alzheimer's
Think yourself lucky........new friends every day!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 20 May 2009, 4:44, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Want to book a delivery from Tesco more than two weeks ahead?
Simply edit the URL in their dumb-ass web-site.

Click a future date range and you get a page with a URL including "week=1" or "week=2".

There's no link to anything further ahead, but it works up to week=5 by simply editing the page address. So you can book your groceries to arrive the morning you get back from your 3-week holiday.

Now that's quality site security.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 19 May 2009, 13:49, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Public Service Announcement
Is your amateur porn genuine?

Notwithstanding POV filming, image quality and shaky camera, your amateur porn may not be genuine. Ask yourself:-

Is the girl a little too good looking?
Are her breasts a bit too perfect?
Listen to the noises she makes. Does she say 'ooh' a lot when tugging off a bloke?
Does she follow that 'ooh' by inhaling through her teeth, making a hissing noise in the process?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then chances are, it's staged.

Proper sex by real people is clumsy, sweaty, fairly quiet except for grunting and extremely undignified.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 19 May 2009, 11:00, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Commuters!
Spend the last few minutes of your train journey locating your ticket, either placing it in a convenient pocket or holding it in your hand.

This way you can avoid being furnished with bruises all over your back from the force of fifty of your fellow passengers colliding with you as you stop dead in front of the ticket barriers in blind, fumbling panic.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 19 May 2009, 9:37, Reply)

the "Button"
I'm not sure how widely known this is - I'm always surprised that it isn't gospel amongst men - but on the off chance you haven't heard of it, let me introduce The Button

My friend Matt discovered The Button... I'm not sure how, but he was known to wank a lot. At fourteen, he'd make VHS compilations of highlights from Eurotrash, and wank his little heart out, proud that he could even manage "three without a break".

You'd have thought all his pocket money would go on Kleenex... but no... he had a better technique:

Basically - at the point of orgasm, use your fingers to press down hard on your gooch (halfway betwixt sack and crack), for the duration of the cumming. Rather than shooting gallons of man spuff, you'll be lucky to even get one salty tear... and you'll still experience all the other feelings of euphoria, inner-peace and mild regret.

As horny teenagers, this was a revolutionary discovery. Think of all the hours saved walking to the bathroom to collect preparatory toilet roll. The shame you no longer have to feel when your mum glances at a bin that consists of one Toffee Crisp wrapper, and a mountain of yellowed tissue. The freedom to knock one out in any empty room, at any time... without the sticky consequences.

And as I got a bit older, and I could get intoxicated enough to talk to girls, the technique still had its benefits...

Like that time I got tossed off in my mate's room by the pale indie girl with big tits - got a little bit too excited - and still made it home with pants clean enough to eat your dinner off.

Or the brief moment of clarity, when I realised it was probably not the best idea to gush my slush up a young lady I'd just met in the corridoors of playa magaluf resort without a condom*

Anyway, because I have no idea of the long term implications of sending my seadogs on permanent diversion, I've long since given up the practise... but if you're caught in a tight spot, i'm sure no doctor would discourage you.

*technique does not stop the spread of chlamydia
**probably doesn't constitute birth control either
(juniorsquire, Mon 18 May 2009, 20:34, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ummm....while eating dinner with friends
and an earthquake hits, don't jump under the table whimpering. You WILL get laughed at, even when you go outside leaky eyed for a much needed cigarette.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 18 May 2009, 6:03, Reply)

Revenge
A colleague is about to move out from shared accomodation with 2 thotoughly unlikeable characters; he's after a "slow burn" revenge; I mentioned I know some sneaky gits (i.e. you lot) and said I'd pick your brains. We've discussed Prawns in the curtain pole and bubble bath in the cistern - anything else?
(kitescreech still here, Sat 16 May 2009, 7:51, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Easy amusement
Pay for Tesco Value wind-up radio at self service tills and walk out with it, not realising it has security beacon-thingy in it (the alarms went off but I didn't realise it was me).

Unpack Tesco Value wind-up radio, discover security beacon-thingy and realise it WAS you that set alarms off.

Hide security beacon-thingy in the lining of managers coat that they left unattended for twenty minutes whilst at lunch.

Listen to manager moan daily that "I swear, every time I walk in or out of a store, the alarm goes off"!.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Sat 16 May 2009, 1:57, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

WARNING REAL TIP
when moving into a new home check the gas and electric meters especially if they are pre-pay. Often pre-pay meters are installed to recover a debt typically at £5 a week. Even though the original debetor has long since vanished the debt is still being collected. This means that YOU are paying someone elses debts which can easily run into hundreds of pounds. Get your landlord or estate agent to sort this out BEFORE you move in.

Likewise check for any signs of tampering of the meters as you could be in for a rude shock next time the meter reader comes round .
(welgar, Fri 15 May 2009, 16:22, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Always be careful to look both ways before you fart.

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 14 May 2009, 16:08, Reply)

NURSES!
When drawing blood, don't punch through the back of the vein. It causes the patient to have a 3" by 3" purple and blue bruise and hurts like a bitch when trying to bend the elbow. It also means if a cop sees you at a baseball game and asks you what happened, you have to assure him it wasn't domestic violence, and that you're also not a drug addict!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 14 May 2009, 7:28, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

If you are trying to talk to someone in a loud environment
and can't hear what they are saying, put your fingers in your ears. This cuts out most of the surrounding noise, but weirdly allows you to hear what the person is saying a lot clearer.
( Furness, Wed 13 May 2009, 18:58, Reply)

When in
Correspondence to potential customers, no matter how much you want their business - no matter how cute ugly or male big black and scary they may be - do not be tempted just because you used your crackberry to add a kiss at the end of the message... It makes you look a tad strange.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:42, Reply)