I found a troll once!
poor bloke had drowned under a bridge near the Mouth of the Panther in Bravil
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Thu 26 May 2011, 10:22, 4 replies)

Ann Widdecombe
The prosecution rests, m'lud.
(anvil, Thu 26 May 2011, 8:54, 4 replies)

I quite like Rick Astley
and I didn't think goatse was that shocking.
(gordonjcp, Wed 25 May 2011, 23:59, 6 replies)

I quite like the new Daleks.

(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 25 May 2011, 23:16, 10 replies)

He was surely a troll
On the guardian talkboards a few years ago there was a character called Rory Guardian or something similar. He used to post on numerous discussions and seemed to really focus on bullying, bullies and anything to do with it. He doesn't post anymore but has a website.

A quote from the website:
"The bullies always moan when something bad happens to them, in their evil ways, even if they are being told off, for killing a child, we should get them back, and especially get back at the sort of women or men who marry these thugs.

Alot of the time the bullies have horrible girlfriends who support them doing abuse, that is sick too, and is not a justification to do bullying. And women who suppot bullying are as horrible as the bully. They are not the calm voice of common sense. Good women and good men are the voice of common sense, not bullies or bully supporter types. It is not liberal to support abuse."

This was pretty similar to a lot of stuff he posted, and his site has even more.
(muzzvsworld, Wed 25 May 2011, 22:42, 7 replies)

I can never be sure...
...as to whether the term is pronounced "trolling" or trolling...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 25 May 2011, 22:23, 5 replies)

SovietRussia
SoRu is someone I used to regularly talk to on IRC. He is the greatest internet troll I have ever seen. From talking to this guy he was pretty smart but give that man an internet forum with a topical subject and he would perfectly emulate the most annoying 14 year old, post a new thread talking about some completely unrelated subject, and have exactly the right key words in the right places to turn the forum into a giant ball of rage.

me-tan.wtfux.org/forum/sovietrussia.jpg

For reference the forum was set up to get information relating to this:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Jessica_Lunsford

This is the only screenshot that managed to survive a hard drive crash I had a few years after I took it. I don't have anything of the apoplectic rage he caused remaining.

4chan in 2004/2005 was a forum that was much less well known than it is today. It was just a 15 year old Christopher "Moot" Poole's hobby site that some people from SomethingAwful knew about. It had a population consisting of some kind of strange mix of anime nerds, like me, and random paedos wanting to access the lolicon board that they used to have before Moot realised that having that on an internet forum is a really dumb idea when you are nearing prison age, and removed it and its admin. Even then, the almost rule-less random forum /b/ was a training ground college/university age internet trolls posting the most disgusting things they could find.

Moot, once decided to add to his forum and /b/ was getting a little unmanageable, and create a new forum board called /z/ and have it moderated by a different person every day, and see what happened. Unfortunately the first person he chose to moderate it was SovietRussia.

In less than a day he had not only turned it into a place that made the infamous /b/ look like mumsnet on 98% cocoa prozac, then completely covered the background in seizure inducing GIfs but he then got other people to start taking over the other boards on the forum and posting the worst stuff imaginable. /z/ was closed down, never reopened, and I'm sure the remaining staff and users from that time will never forget the day SoRu trolled the entirety of 4chan.

I swear the guy was some kind of mentally disturbed evil genius. He is probably sitting right now at a computer in the dark wearing only a gas mask and green pipe cleaners taped to his head, causing people to tear their hair out while telling them he accidentally shat in his rice krispies.
(ME-tan, Wed 25 May 2011, 22:00, 3 replies)

Never understood why cheapshot rickrolling gets applause on here.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 25 May 2011, 21:41, 2 replies)

Does this count?
Seems to be causing confusion and anger over on /board.

www.b3ta.com/board/10432157
(mingeswingers, Wed 25 May 2011, 21:27, 4 replies)

Sterilise the poor and bring back the workhouse!
(unlurks)
Hi all
Does anyone remember the Government Spending Challenge website, which was briefly active last year before drowning in trolls? I accidentally became one of them after posting this, which I wrote for my own amusement as a pastiche of the right-wing posts which were getting more and more ludicrous:

by LH on July 11, 2010 at 10:53AM

This would make the implementation of numerous ideas on this site easier. Men and women (even married couples) were separated in workhouses, thus reducing the number of children produced. This would mean the child benefit bill could be reduced. Work was compulsory, punitively harsh, and continued even into old age for impoverished elderly people. This would make going into a workhouse unattractive compared to getting a job (we all know there are jobs available) - and stop people living on the state from having an endurable life.

Food could be controlled by the workhouse, which would halt the problems associated with permitting poor people access to cash to buy food. Children would come under the direct control of the state and should they fail after such an auspicious upbringing they could simply return to the workhouse.

Teenagers who drop out of education and cannot get jobs could be automatically admitted on their seventeenth birthday and trained to do a job. They could be forced to remain until they find work. Elderly people who cannot afford care homes could be admitted and live out the rest of their lives in semi-prisoners. Asylum seekers could join them.

How the idea could be implemented

It would only be necessary to build one at public expense, the rest could be built by inmate work gangs. To prevent the problem of generations of poor people, release could be conditional on getting sterilised.

... which unfortunately was taken seriously by a number of people, despite my almost immediate admission in the comments underneath that it was a joke in poor taste. The Guardian columnist Laurie Penny even linked to my post then to a screenshot of it, clearly believing it to be a serious suggestion.

The mods then added to the problem by removing my original post, making it impossible for anyone to check my apology or see that my other posts were less than serious.

I have kept copies of my other posts, as I'm vain and things were starting to get a bit silly, so if anyone wants me to I'll put them in the comments to prove that I shouldn't have been taken seriously.
(Edit- I missed out 'how the idea could be implemented'.)
(mesi explains things badly, Wed 25 May 2011, 21:15, 3 replies)

What can your iPhone do that my phone can't?

( Peej, Wed 25 May 2011, 20:59, 9 replies)

I wasn't going to post anything
But then I remember one of the most subtle pieces of trolling I've ever encountered. A little while ago, Asda ran an ad campaign about how cheap they were. Just as they mentioned how much Tesco were charging for some of their products, the incidental music changed to a jazzed-up version of the dad's army theme - which starts "Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler"...
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 25 May 2011, 17:57, Reply)

Since this QOTW sucks balls...
Have a read of this and see some expert trolling in action. Much lols.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 25 May 2011, 14:25, 15 replies)

Last?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 25 May 2011, 13:49, 35 replies)

On next weeks QOTW
Twats

Are you a twat? Ever been twatted? Ever pwn3d a twat with a swift kick in the balls? Or do you sit in your boxers watching Jeremy Kyle? Tell us your twatty stories, both from the web and from real life*

*The definition of real life can be found here en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Real_life

Come back Chthonic all is forgiven.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 25 May 2011, 13:30, Reply)

I like to correct people on the proper use of apostrophe's.
(DBS, Wed 25 May 2011, 12:23, 12 replies)

E-mail scams.
I received one of those e-mails from a Russian girl who was supposed to meet/marry someone over here but didn't and now she wants to meet/marry me. You know the type.
To cut a long story short, after much to-ing and fro-ing with her ridiculous requests for money and my ridiculous replies, I asked for proof that she was who she said she was by taking a photo with her holding a card with the initial letters of my (fictional) banking companies - International Money Authority and The Western Accounts Transactions.

Here's what I received.


(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 25 May 2011, 9:56, 23 replies)

You'd be amazed...
... how upset people can get when you tell them that being a moderator on an MMORPG forum isn't a real job. Not if they're not actually paying you a living wage to do it.

"But I get my in-game membership for free, *and* I get free items!"
Great, so you don't have to pay £15 per month for something that costs effectively nothing to provide. Even worse are the ones that do it and don't get freebies.
(gordonjcp, Wed 25 May 2011, 7:53, 3 replies)

My girlcat had 4 kittens yesterday.
Not relevant but thought the trolls on here would want to have a go.
(nolongernuts, Wed 25 May 2011, 3:55, 39 replies)

Trolling real life through the power of annoying music
When on public transport, or being dragged round the shops by the missus, to deal with the inevitable stretches of boredom I occasionally start humming annoying tunes - the ones that are basically brain Aids; highly infectious, and impossible to get rid of once they've taken root. Songs such as Lady Gaga's 'Telephone' work particularly well - or 'It's a Small World' if I'm feeling particularly malicious.

Extra points if someone else starts humming/singing the same tune, then looks momentarily confused. Try it - the small sense of satisfaction you get from successfully infecting fellow passengers is almost outweighed by having to hear the songs over and over again, as they inevitably lodge in your brain for the next few hours
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Wed 25 May 2011, 0:36, 16 replies)

Winding up trusting offspring
I enjoy spinning inordinately detailed lies to my children, and their friends, in the hopes I'll create some kind of oft-repeated urban legend.

The essence is to start with a degree of seriousness, and it really helps if you can throw in a degree of scientific-sounding statements to back it up. The kids quickly adjust from a "haha, Mr Muppet's having a laugh again" to "hang on, I should probably pay attention, this sounds important".

We were on a camping trip one time with a cluster of families. The kids all got glow-sticks at night time which helped amuse them and for us to find them if they wandered off. Of course, some of the younger ones started to chew on them: not good. The older ones noticed they could break them and spread shiny glowing liquid anywhere they wanted - lots of lols.

To stop them poisoning themselves and the landscape, I explained that the tubes contained two chemicals that started a chain reaction when they were mixed. The light was given off by a lightly radioactive substance that started when the chemicals created a cold fusion reaction. I explained that the tubes were strong enough to hold this highly dangerous stuff, but if it got out it could attack their DNA - I also explained the purpose of DNA as the building blocks that govern how your body grows.

Which is why the next evening, one of the other parents was slightly startled when, after telling his 4 year old not to chew on the glow stick, his 6 year old sister solemnly chimed in with "yeah, otherwise you'll grow another arm out of your stomach and your ears will turn into carrots"
(Mr Muppet, Tue 24 May 2011, 23:49, 5 replies)

When I was younger
I was visiting my Aunt in Yorkshire (Appletreewick, if anyone is from there?). Those visits inspired a lifelong love of the beautiful countryside up there, hoping to get up there more often now I have a tourer.

Anyway, back then was before I'd gotten into bikes with engines. Instead I had my latest birthday present: a 10 speed racing bicycle. Even had a weird plastic thing on the back wheel, I was the dogs bollocks on that thing!

One afternoon I'd ridden down some god-forsaken track as usual, and stopped for a rest. It was so incredible, being let of the leash like that for the first time. Sadly hysteria over paediatricians etc means kids now don't get it. I'm grateful my parents were so liberal (or maybe lazy). But there I was, miles from anyone. No-one to tell me off for being loud, or running round, or climbing trees. I was so excited, I bellowed my name into the valley:

"ROGER WAS 'ERE!"

Next thing this 2ft high fella pops out behind a rock, and within hours I was king of some Norwegian trolls and about to go fight a fucking Bargest. Beats the pants off the famous five!
( Greenbat, Tue 24 May 2011, 22:57, 4 replies)

I think my Dad just trolled me over the phone
He knows I have no interest in golf. So he just proceded to tell me about the game he played today, in the following manner:

I used a three wood on the par three first for a four, a five iron on the par five second for a seven, a four on the par four third for a four...

...through all eighteen holes.

He must have done that on purpose, surely?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 May 2011, 20:08, 3 replies)

Back in the late 90s
When I used to be a twat on Usenet trolling all sorts of groups, I started frequenting Christian group. I wormed my way in, answering posts in general whilst not getting involved in anything theological.

Then one day, I started a new thread.

"Anyone see Life of Brian last night?"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 24 May 2011, 20:02, 5 replies)

Most of /talk getting trolled fo srs
www.b3ta.com/talk/4444462
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Tue 24 May 2011, 19:17, 14 replies)

I love reading well-written, deeply funny, heartbreakingly honest true stories on QOTW.
Especially ones with amusing alliterative similes and comedy references to genitalia.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 24 May 2011, 19:16, Reply)

I liked the mixtapes qotw
genuinely.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 24 May 2011, 18:41, 4 replies)

One night 1994
14.4 dialup, Compuserve chatrooms, half a bottle of my dad's whisky and the (online) population of North America. Banned for racism. Against the Welsh. God I was proud of myself.

Go 14-year-old me! Long gone now but may still be seen in the peripheral vision... on Youtube.
(bagpuss606, Tue 24 May 2011, 18:01, Reply)

LEEEROYYYY JEEEENKIIIIINS
www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkCNJRfSZBU

Epic trolling right here
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Tue 24 May 2011, 16:41, 5 replies)

I earned £20 for this
Dear Sir/Madam

First, let me say that I love your shop. Great food, great brand, great quality.

But – my God – the stores are like animated cemeteries. I’ve never seen so many old people in one place, except perhaps in a care home. I step in from the street and immediately my heartbeat decreases as I meet a slow-moving wall of blue-rinse, walking aids and pastels. Honestly, I almost lapsed into a narcoleptic state the other day as I tried to cut past an old dear who seemed to be using continental drift as a means of locomotion rather than the escalator.

You’ve got to respect them, of course. They must be your core customers. But it’s beyond frustrating for anyone below the age of seventy. I swear I saw one old dear with a ration book walking around. She must have got lost in knitwear in 1951 and was still trying to find her way out of the shop. Another was perched at the top of the escalator quite mesmerised by this wonder of the twentieth century as scores of people backed up behind her.

I can’t live without your pecan yum-yums or cinnamon swirls, so I come into the store regularly. But I risk lapsing into a coma every time I do. There’s no getting round them. I feel like James Bond trying to overtake an ice-cream van on a Swiss mountain pass as I attempt to get out of the doors before my purchases fossilise or evolve into something else entirely.

So I have come up with a few suggestions to make life easier for everyone. If you could implement a few of these, I’m sure that you’d sell more stuff.

1) A fast lane for people who still have all their mental and physical faculties. This would allow your more mobile customers to get in and out of the shop without getting stuck behind an old gent who thinks he’s still on the Somme.
2) A recovery room for oldsters who can’t remember who they are or why they left home that day. They can get a nice cup of tea here and call a relative to find out what year it is etc.
3) Instructions for escalators, informing users that they must continue walking when they reach the beginning or end of the moving metal steps. Stopping will cause others to stumble, fall or become homicidal with rage.
4) Chat lay-bys where groups of gimmers can leave the main walkways to engage in hour-long conversations with friends on how tall little Johnny has become or how Edna’s womb has gone septic etc.
5) Specially-trained staff to take people away from the checkouts and explain that the reindeer cardigan was available only during Christmas 1973 and that the one chance to get it now is on Ebay (or in heaven, which will be reached sooner than a grasp of the internet).
6) Emergency adrenaline shots (break glass for access) to use on people like me whose metabolism has slowed to hibernative rates as I totter in suspended animation behind a woman who has been in the shop so long that her basket contains a Charles & Diana commemorative box of shortbread.

I offer these suggestions as a fan of the store and I hope that you can introduce some of them. If not, some gift vouchers will have to suffice.
(Fothermucker, Tue 24 May 2011, 16:03, 12 replies)