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This is a question Unexpected Nudity

There you are minding your own business, looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when suddenly... SURPRISE TODGER!

Tell us just how un-erotic unexpected encounters with nudey people can be.

(suggested by wanderingjoe)

(, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:32)
Pages: Latest, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, ... 1

This question is now closed.

So there I was
hard at work, doing a difficult calculation involving stresses and strains, and I just couldn't get it to work out.

Several hours of puzzling later, I came upon a solution. I hadn't foreseen it, but if I summed ν, Poisson's ratio, with respect to time, I could get the calculation to work.

So there you have it: sum (ν dt) that I hadn't expected.

Contrived? Of course it's contrived. It's Thursday lunchtime after all!

Edit - It's not a vee, it's Greek. Now go and work it out...
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 13:21, Reply)
Uno!
Just last night this happened. I recently bought a Xbox Live Vision Camera mainly for Burnout Paradise and remembered that Uno supports live video in place of your Avatar. Why not try it out I thought, so I joined a random room and saw two blurry videos, after a few seconds the blurs stopped and it turned out to be two naked men having a wank. I immediately quit the room and reached for the mind bleach.

On a serious note it was quite worrying that this went on. Other rooms had small children of say 8 years old playing the game with other adults. Theres nothing to stop them joining that same room I went into. I was so surprised I forgot to report the above two people but I wont be making that mistake next time if I brave playing Uno again.
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 13:06, Reply)
I’m just grateful it wasn’t Captain Placid*…

Many moons ago, a mate of mine called Lee and I worked a temping job, joining the throngs of mongs at the Argos warehouse in Lutterworth. This place was a dusty, dirty doghole of a place, so unsurprisingly we were always dressed in our crappiest, ragged clothing.

In the middle of one particularly arduous shift on a steaming hot day, we heard the buzzer and shuffled off like mindless spakkersheep into the break area. The room was quite small, and before long there was about 20 of us packed in. Lee made straight for one of the chairs, and tried to disguise the fact that he had done fuck all that day by plunging down with a loud ‘sigh’.

Just as in any normal break, some people lit up cigarettes, some nommed on a snack, but all chatted inanely to each other; before long the room was filled with the droning din of multiple people trying to talk over each other with their own pointless drivel.

I was sat across the room from Lee, who was almost shouting to be heard. Then, in an effort to gain more comfort from the crap plastic seats, he leaned back, raised his legs and placed them wide apart on the coffee table in front of him, before continuing his conversation to anybody who was listening.

Now, I can’t remember what had distracted me from noticing immediately – perhaps I’m just a bit slow – but I merrily continued in the conversation before I gradually realised that the room was getting quieter and quieter. As I looked around I noticed an almost ‘Mexican wave’ of silence forming, as one person after another suddenly stopped what they were doing, shut the fuck up, and gawped awkwardly in Lee’s direction.

Again, being slow I was the last to notice this, and carried on chuntering until Lee and I were the last two people speaking. As the penny finally began to drop I glanced over and saw that every pair of eyes was transfixed on Lee’s crotch...struck dumb by jaw-dropping horror. This, of course, sparked my curiosity and so I made a tentative (and forever regretted) look downward to the object of everybody’s stupefied stares…

And there it was. Lee had split his jeans. Quite a large split in fact…and coupled with his (now obvious) choice of ‘going commando’, this meant that all our eyes were forced to feast on the sight of one single, bright red, sizable, rotund, incredibly hairy bollock that had ‘plopped’ out from the the sanctity of his sweaty arse swamp area, and was now breathing in the afternoon air, untethered by it’s previous denim prison.

Lee remained totally oblivious to this turn of events, as everyone was slowly rendered speechless by this proud but unwitting display of unshackled gonad glory.


Strangely though - nobody mentioned it to him…but there was quite a crowd for the next break.



*If the size of Captain Placid’s trouser bulge is anything to go by, his two veg are so massively weighty and capacious that they look as if they are constantly ready to be loaded into a cannon and fired at some medieval castle. Not only that, but he tells me that he shaves them too(!)….and I’m sorry, but there just isn’t enough mindbleach in the world to help me if I saw those glistening bad boys up close *bokes*.
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 12:09, 3 replies)
Oh yeah, just remembered...
...a time, two times in fact when I myself wasn't necessarily nude, but definitely inappropriately exposed. WARNING: if you are not amused by talk of fooling around of the man-on-man kind, then you'd better skip this one.

The ex-BF (whose departure from my day-to-day life is currently featured in my best-of, and was even featured in that week's newsletter if memory serves), whilst most likely being a cheating twat, was a real go-er and was very fond indeed of my meatstick.

This fondness was demonstrated one time when we had been staying at one of his ex-wives' places visiting his kids (6 kids by 3 different women - should have suspected something on that fact alone). Due to us sleeping in the lounge and one of the kids' fondness for going a-wandering in the night we hadn't been able to get down to it that evening, much to our mutual frustration. Pretty much the only thing we did well during our time together was fuck and man, he was good. Besides, there's something highly empowering about putting the block to a guy who's a third again as big in general stature as you are.

We drove home late the next morning, and after a few minutes of him telling me in graphic terms what he wanted me to do to him on our return to my place I had a raging stonk-on, which for me, isn't very difficult to spot. And spot it he did. He reached over and pulled my member out of my pants and spent the next 30 minutes of the drive home keeping me on the boil with a slow and skilful handjob.

I noticed half-a-handful of vans and trucks pass us on the passenger (i.e. my) side and at least some of them must have looked down to see my turgid todge poking out of my fly, wrapped in the meaty hand of this 6-foot-3 bruiser. I'd apologise, but when it comes down to it they shouldn't have been overtaking on the wrong side so fuck them. Besides, one or two of them probably enjoyed the show. I remember at least one who took a good while to pass us. With hindsight I'm just glad none of them were Police vans.

The other time was the same ex whilst we were out for a few drinks in the gay village in Manchester in the summer. It was fairly early so it wasn't packed out and we went upstairs in one place to find that we were completely alone. He was as horny as he always was so he began whispering in my ear the things he'd like to do with my wang, which again gave me a boner in short order, so much so that it peeked over the top of my shorts and I made the mistake of showing him. He grinned evilly, checked the stairs and then before you could say 'public indecency' his head was in my lap teasing my little soldier further out of hiding.

I sat there blissfully, beer in one hand and the back of his shaved head in the other for some time until I noticed that an inconveniently stealthy gay couple had reached the top of the stairs and were checking us out with a knowing smile. I gently tapped the back of the ex's head and whispered to him that we'd been busted. He raised his head and grinned at them whilst he tucked it back into my shorts. Both of them checked littlebloke out whilst he did and thier smiles didn't fade as they shook thier heads and took a seat behind us. The ex carried on fondling me through my shorts until I could take no more and I broke my 'sex in the toilets? fuck that' rule in order to give him a swift, silent but satisfyingly rough rogering before moving on to the next pub.

Me and that lad weren't good for one another's equilibrium at all, but when it came to horny fun he knew how to get me going, oh aye :)
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:00, 9 replies)
Oh well
*Streaks through QOTW*
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 10:16, 6 replies)
exposed in Croydon........!
many moons ago when i was young, care free and in my early 20's i had travelled to see my Mrs in Croydon. We'd had a few days of fun with lots of nakedness ;) after we'd eaten all the food and needed to replenish the stocks we left her house and walked to the bus stop.

Mrs Rev was standing in front of me (her back to my front) with her hand in my open fly (all fine and good - it was mostly hidden by my coat.) what i didnt realise was she had released the beast from his cage and it was exposed to the cold wintery world.

i noticed a woman walking towards us, she looked at me, then Mrs Rev and gave a knowing smile and wink. i then realised i was out and she had seen me in all my erect glory :D
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 10:03, Reply)
.
'Excuse me, but have you ever seen the early days of aviation?'

I'll let you work it out. It's always a winner with the ladies.
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 9:29, 8 replies)
No-one is sure how it happened...
But for the last 5 years at the Birkdale open, both Caddies and golfers take their first shot on the 9th hole naked.

It's an Unexpected Nudie Tee

/sorry
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 9:27, Reply)
I was watching Doctor Who
It was the finale of the last series, and the Daleks had just sent the TARDIS to be destroyed with Donna inside it. Due to all the crashing about she collided with the Doctor's severed hand (which he'd put all his regeneration energy into at the start of the episode) and caused some technobabble to happen, thus causing another David Tennant to appear albeit in a state of undress.

Does this count as unexpected nude DT?
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 9:22, 4 replies)
Quickie
Just walked in the office and discovered my jeans were unzipped. I wonder how many people on the bus have seen my todger?
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 8:37, 2 replies)
Art installation
Tate Modern, first date, film of naked Jesus-type swinging his 14in probe to the sounds adagio for strings.

Date stands there for 20 minutes. We didn't marry.
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 5:38, 1 reply)
I'm a sneaky, dirty bastard!
Many moons ago, I used to be a dirty bastard and would sneak and cojole girls clothes off.

I used to have a bar in my house, well, two rooms knocked into one anc converted into a 17h century looking pub.

Anyway, this often meant that my house was frequented by lots of people after the pub had shut.

One evening however, it consisted of just me and 3 girls.

One of us, probably me, suggested a pub-quiz. After a while it was bloody obvious that my advanced years (well not that advances, only about a decade and a half) over the girls was making it much easier for me to answer the questions...so I played it down a bit, so they could at least get some right.

I soon suggested forefeights (sp?), such as two of them sucking a bottle in a blow-job looking fashion, holding each others boobs etc...

Eventually, I had drunk so much, I was genuinely getting questions wrong and had to carry out some forefeighs myself.

After barking like a dog on all fours, sucking off beer bottles etc...I eventually ended up in a French Maids outfit - an outfit FAR too small for even my meagre manhood.

And whilst all three girls by this point were naked, I was sitting half dressed with my tackle hanging ut of a french maids outfit, when half of the male population of the local club decide to decend on my bar - a bar with an unlocked side door straight into it.

Whilst very pissed, they all agreed not to say a word to anyone.

Yeah, right.

I couldn't show my face in that village for over a year!
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 4:11, 1 reply)
Un[expected nudity]
Germany, in the not so distant past. Germany, as no doubt has become apparent in this QOTW already, has a bit of a reputation, along with many other parts of Europe, for its attitude towards the human form.

So I'm off holidaying there, catching up with some friends; not sure what to do we decide to go to the pool. Now, "go to the pool" in German-female presumably means, "maybe swim a bit, but most likely just go to the sauna". Now, you know how old people in the UK went through national service and are from another era and all that jazz and so you're quite likely at the swimming baths to see old-man-todger? Germany somewhat extends that principle. It's by no means everyone, but it's by no means no one; these girls, whether due to my prescence, their own uncertainty of being naked in front of friends or merely that they can't be arsed to change decide to wear their swimsuits. So off we strut, in bikinis and shorts, to the sauna, past the Schlaffraum (which I have to go in one day just to see how Schlaffy it really is), swing open the door and are met eye to eye by a good half-dozen members of all shapes and sizes. The amassed krauts, of all genders, male, female, and those inbetween, look upon us, upon we clad.

They look at us almost in horror until one of my friends, lying on her back, head near to my lap, bikini top at near-failure, starts talking to me in her expertly crafted American accent and I respond in my Middle Class Londonese; at this point the Germans go back to their averting of crotch-staring and a realisation sinks in - that it's far too late by now to sit nude in the company of three bikini-clad friends and forever destroy the way they look at me.

Bugger.
(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 1:39, Reply)
Sharing
The Sunday league team I played in goal for (The Mighty D.R.P, that is Democratic Republic of Phonque) had won Division 1 and so that night we played beer/rum/whisky/champagne pong and then hit the town. I was taking pictures at each venue we went to. Unfortunately, it being Sunday, most bars were fairly quiet but the Union still had a good number of people left over from the Pub quiz, and was a cheap place to finish the evening.

Surprisingly, what with it being near closing time, no-one had drunkenly got their cock out, although a couple of people were out in kilts and full Scotsman. The night seemed destined to pass without incident until I came back from the bog and decided, in my by now slightly addled mind, to check the photographic record of the evening.

Beer pong...cardboard and foil trophy held aloft...shots...team photo...cock...

Cock?

Cock.

Did I mention I had been drinking? Now a normal response would be to delete the photo, but I have a habit of well meaning evil in these circumstances, and instead shouted 'GUYS! WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS PHOTO'D HIS COCK?' and held the picture aloft for all to see on the display screen. Someone owned up, and rather than delete it and take the piss, I decided to show the picture to as many people as possible at the bar, then delete it.

I am not sure why to this day. The screen was about 1.5 inches wide, which isn't going to be flattering no matter how you're hung.
(, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 22:35, Reply)
Kitty!
Surprise nudity? Well it's not really a surprise when toddlers strip out of clothes and go running around but ...

My best friend's toddler boy was amazing. Whenever he was left alone with the household cat (a significantly large grey tom about 2/3rds the kids size and weight) he would strip off all of his clothes, get a death grip on the cat's tail - and then standing there naked behind a starting to get annoyed cat, holding on for dear life - he would then let loose with a stream from his little willie - peeing on the cat.

The cat would take off at mach speeds - pulling the kid along behind him in a skipping bouncing high acceleration adventure where the kids stubby little legs would only touch down every few feet in giant leaps and bounds as they traversed the apartment. He screamed with delight and joy the whole way "kitty! kitty!" and he never, not for a moment, *ever* stopped peeing on the cat.

Sometimes he'd reach down with one hand to adjust his equipment and aim - after rebounding off a wall or a table he was sometimes a bit out of alignment - but mostly he just couldn't miss - he was less than a tail's length away from something almost the same size as he was =)

Truly - the combination of the sheer happiness on the kids little face and the utter terror the poor cat was experiencing - will forever be locked in memory for me - I was just standing there talking a bit with his mum when the two of them came rocketing out of the hallway and crossed the living room in front of me, making a large u-turn (no skid marks at least =)) and then back into the hallway, the giggling and "kitty!" chanting taking on a doppler effect as it passed us by. Her reaction was to say "oh my, he's at it again" and raise her hand to her mouth to hide the smile while I just went from stunned senseless to smiling from ear to ear as my brain processed and replayed the scene and I realized what it was I had seen =)

The scene cheers me up even now just thinking about it =)

(it's years later, but if I ever encounter a tiger in the wild... for at least 2 seconds before I attempt to flee for my life - I'll be sorely tempted to risk life, limb (and certainly todger) to re-enacting the scene at adult sizes.. I know it won't work... I know one swipe and it'd be over but... but.. it just looked like so much fun!)

(I think it's too late to get on the best sheet... but I'd be touched if you gave me a click anyway =))
(, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 22:18, 5 replies)

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