Hey Browser
I tried the Catholic thing on JoBo's as it was my Da's suggestion (dee previous posts to understand what my childhood must have been like...!) and as I am a very badly (or successfully) lapsed Catholic, I felt it was my right.
On this occasion however the Witnesses in question took it as an affront and a challenge and started telling me that if I would let them in I would see my dead mother (who had died 6 weeks previously) rise from her grave to join me.
You can imagine the trauma this caused me.
I am deeply untrusting of most relgious types to be honest but for the reasons outlined above they are fairly nearly the top of my 'avoid at all costs' list. And that is up against some pretty stiff competition, I can tell you.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 12:30, Reply)

SQUASH
I blame Clarence Birdseye

You'll never take me alive!!!!
(Catchag "You know!....For Kids!", Wed 25 Oct 2006, 12:23, Reply)

meat pie hilarity
funnily enough i have, in my food cupboard, a goblin meat pie - it was bought for its humourous values, and to demonstrate the British attitude to food - i especially love the ingredients lists, which of course begin with the greatest by weight ingredient, has "pork lard" at #2... and even better was the drawing - no photos here - of a pie, some yellow straight lines which i took to be chips, and some green dots which presumably are to represent peas - and, (And i cherish the moment i saw this as an archetype) at the bottom, below this pre-school standard drawing, are the immortal words....



"serving suggestion"....






(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 12:23, Reply)

Life is just a bowl of cherries
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is state of essence or being characterised by complex biochemical reactions common to organisms and individual cells.

Properties common to the known organisms found on Earth (plants, animals, fungi, protists, archaea and bacteria) are that they are carbon-and-water-based, are cellular with complex organization, undergo metabolism, possess a capacity to grow, respond to stimuli, reproduce and, through natural selection, adapt in succeeding generations.

It has noting to do with a concave recepticle filled with virginity..... oh.....

Yet again connotive forces have taken effect during another attempt at being clever..

Minge - Bowl, untouched, Rosacaea genus Prunus - Number 5 is malfunctioning
(Catchag "You know!....For Kids!", Wed 25 Oct 2006, 12:21, Reply)

Catchag
'Cause if your choice of Friday tea ISN'T replaced, you'll never have that choice again.

Ever.

And the several thousand people who depend on you eating it for their living will be out of a job. Permanently instead of temporarily.

Useful advice (but useless 'cause you probably won't care): www.msc.org for alternatives to your Friday tea.
(Squash, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 12:14, Reply)

Life is what you make it
Yeah, especially if you're born in a nice area with rich and well-educated parents who pay for you to go to a good school, a good university and then help you to get a good job using their money and connections. Life certainly is what you 'make it'.

But if you're like me, life is like anything else you make: amateurish, prone to breaking, inept and guaranteed to fail when you really need it.
(frankspencer, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 11:46, Reply)

Ask Bill

I find that whenever I am in need of really poor advice, Bill Gates can help.

I open a new word document and type my question in the little space at the top of the page that says: “Type a question for help”.

This morning I tried: “What is the meaning of life?”, to which Bill (pretty profoundly, I think you’ll agree) told me:

• Translate or look up text in the dictionary of another language.
• Modify a style.
• Look up words in the thesaurus,
• Create a table of contents.

Even more profound was his answer to: “What should I do with my life?”:

• Add a diagram
• None of the above, search for more on the web

I also get rid of aggression in this little box sometimes, especially when I get formatting problems. Questions like: “Right you little bastard, are you going to behave or am I going to have to spill a cup of water over you?” can really rattle him. The first answer was: “Troubleshoot help” which is clearly computer speak for “Aaaaaaargh! Help!”

……is it just me?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 11:46, Reply)

COD
If "There's plenty more fish in the sea", which many a smug fucker has told me in the past

Why is my choice of Friday tea so fucking expensive and soon to be cancelled for rock salmon or churned up hooves and lips tubes?

BASTARDS!!!
(Catchag "You know!....For Kids!", Wed 25 Oct 2006, 11:01, Reply)

Sartorial advice
"Hooped rugby shirts make you look more muscular."

No they don't, they just make you look like a retarded upper-class repressed homosexual who can't hold their beer.
(><(((">, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 10:25, Reply)

Quantum weather.
This morning I was leaving the house and my mum rushed after me to remind me of things I hadn't in fact forgotten, as mums are prone to doing.

"Have you got your lunch?"

"Yes mum."

"Here's the number of my massagist in case you need to call me from school."

"Thanks mum."

"Here's an umbrella, the weather forecast says it'll storm!"

"Thanks mum."

"And don't forget sunscreen and a hat, because the weather forecast says it'll be 34c!"

"Thanks mu- what?"
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 7:33, Reply)

Dutch Motorways
The ever so helpful signs above the motorway are saying this week (when translated)

Drive with your heart
Keep your distance

Drive with your heart ? How do you do that then ?
(toadrunner, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 7:04, Reply)

some useless advice for people on b3ta

"don't mention the war."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 5:14, Reply)

Pig farts win war
back in the day, would have been 6 or so - i was in the car with my mother having a deep philisophical brainstorm about farts. wanting a second opinion i asked my mother wether fart gas could kill people. she glanced over and told me yes. and that in WW1 they used to sellotape jars to pigs bottoms while they were eating so they could collect the fart gas and use the jars as gernades.
i bought this astounding fact up a few years later at one of my parents get-togethers. i didn't live it town 'till i reached my teens. go mum
( cupz, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 5:03, Reply)

In Estonia
I lived in Estonia for six years before my wife and I split up for the first time. We always used to laugh at a leaflet that came in each cigarette packet about quitting smoking. I mean, we'd just fucking bought the pack!
(Alexxx It wasn't me, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 4:23, Reply)

walkers "max" crisps.


bottom left hand corner.

"not actual size."

legendary.
(melancholica, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 3:39, Reply)

Useless Advice, Song Department
The Gambler, by Kenny Rogers.
"You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them."

Yes, that is right, you do.

And the song doesn't tell you.

If I knew when to fucking hold them and when to fucking fold them, I wouldn't fucking lose every fucking hand of poker I've ever played!

And your fucking friend on the train just says "You got to know" and then kicks off!

That's not even advice, Kenny! That's a goddam truism!

That's like an investment advisor telling you you have to know when to buy, when to hold, and when to sell!

Oh, wait. That's what they all do, and they still make commissions.

I'm in the wrong business.
(cox2inhibitor, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 3:04, Reply)

Bread
I work as a stock controller in my local Tesco. Part of my job entails checking the dates on various short life products, one of which is bread. Checked the date on this Hovis loaf one day and noticed that it had a picture of the loaf on the packaging. It had the words "Serving Suggestion" underneath.
(LiquidRogue Powerful tiny fists..., Wed 25 Oct 2006, 0:23, Reply)

The war.
The war IS over, in the sense the government has been overthrown (read "liberated" if you are a yank) and Saddam is no longer in charge.

However, now we have all these people blowing themselves up and shooting folk. We need to have our forces in Iraq until they manage to form a peace keeping force that can handle the situation.

If all the "bring our boys home" lot are so fond of peace and such good people, why don’t they realise that brining our troops home will result in Iraq ripping itself apart?

My advice (thus making this post relevant)

Bush, Blair, don't start what you aren’t going to finish.

It also applies to all you can eat buffets.
(Mong goose, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 0:14, Reply)

Ref post below...
Over? Have you seen the soldiers and civvies being blown up on a daily basis by IEDs and crazy men in beards? Piece of advice- remove head from sphincter, then post.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Tue 24 Oct 2006, 23:46, Reply)

Peace Twats
"Stop the War"

Shitty demonstration after the war against Saddam had ended, by ended I mean we had finished invading. Anyway fucking stop the war coalition still decided to hold a rally anyway.

THE WAR IS FUCKING OVER YOU RETARDS!
(I don't lie I change the truth o.O, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 23:12, Reply)

Dumb yanks
My dad just returned from America, visiting some of my hillbilly relatives and living out his boyhood Dukes Of Hazzard fantasies..

He brought me back a Hershey bar, and, as I went to open it, I noticed the top of the wrapper, and the little flappy bit were labelled "HOLD HERE" and "PULL HERE" as if no one could *possibly* figure out how to open a chocolate bar...
(Miharu, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 22:18, Reply)

I have one of those yellow diamond-shaped signs in my car.
It says 'EX HUSBAND IN BOOT' with 'BOOT' crossed out and 'JAIL' added.
No use to the fire and rescue service or parameds in a crash situation, but it makes me chuckle.

Advice - when I was about 11, my mother, quite spontaneously, explained in an embarrassed whisper that when people touch themselves 'down there' and then touch their faces, they come out in big nasty sores.

I frankly didn't believe her. Why would anyone want to touch themselves 'down there?' And if they did, surely they would wash their hands afterwards?

Ah, innocence.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 21:19, Reply)

Kourosism
Apparently they're not legal, but also not illegal.

And it's pretty spiffy that, when you think about it! We have our own special notes. You English bastards can't get 'em unless you come here or find a really nice shop. ^-^

It says on Wiki that they were going to make them legal, but someone said this would make Scotland less independant. I think that was a good answer and I'd never thought of it like that before!

Don't say anymore though. I'm overly proud of where I'm from. I'm trying hard to not rip your head off.

And to fit in with the QOTW, my guidance adviser once told me to "Work in Homebase. You like plants, don't you?"
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 21:02, Reply)

useless advice
If you ever see me and want directions think again and ask someone else,im crap at directions which one time nearly got me and a pal a shoeing.

We was sitting in our town square when a aged guy on a motorbike stopped alongside us and asked how to get to some road,after kind and well meant advice we watched his retreating figure only for it to dawn upon us both that we had sent said dude in the wrong direction-shortly afterwards he returned venting expletives and we beat a brave retreat.
(shug, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 20:55, Reply)

if you want to get into the film industry
do film or media studies. This is the cruelest of lies.

for those who don't know, 95% of all film/ media studies Degrees , can be sumed thusly:

First year, sit in lectures learn about film theory, where people try and claim all films conform to one singular theory. usally a six word sentence derived from a pub conversation, entered into MS word, padded with fluffy conjuctions, then fed through a thesaurus. a Prime example is "feminism in film" there is no such thing, as 99.9% of directors are men. not according to film theory.

second year, get given a third rate camera, not shown how to use it. Recieve lectures in how to use an editing package by someone who has only just completed a three day course in the very same programme.

Third year: Told to write a dissertaion. Told to make a short movie. The dissertaion will read like a badly scratched vinyl record. The
movie will flow like rotten milk. desipte claiming to be a film nut you still havent actually looked at a movie with a critical eye. Therefore one thinks that putting a 5 minute uncut camera shot(sans tripod) of a cute(ish ) chick putting on makeup with sigur ros playing in the background is a good idea.

Graduate. Look for a job, become a runner (or what people out side the media industy call "cleaners") get treated like shit for £11k a year.


if you really want to get into TV/films, you must do one of three things:

Pick a craft and learn it (script writing, cameras, effects lighting sound etc. dont think that uni will teach you these, most of your lectureres are failed novelists and don't have the first clue about the technical side, hence why they are lecturering)

Learn you suck cock like a pro (or some other sexual favor) most media types who have the say about hireing you, are like salesmen, weak insecure, have a stupid haircut, slave to silly fashions and crave power.

deal cocain. (see slave to silly fashions)

Jaded? perhaps, but then i've just had to fix the damage that some fucking film studies student has done to my nice working TV studio. (ahh the camera isnt focusing, perhaps there is dust on the sensor, take off the lens and spit on it, *Shudders*)
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 20:53, Reply)

useless advice we've all given..
'GET OUR TROOPS OUT OF IRAQ TONY!!!!'

Useless advice cos the twunt wont listen will he.

'History will judge me kindly' my knob.
(luckymcdanger, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 20:28, Reply)

less advice....
more of a bug bear really.

I'm sure most people get a pay slip every month with the words "PAY ADVICE" written in bold blue sans serif font on the front. its all well and good.

apart from there is no advice, its a fucking pay slip. It informs you how much you earnt and how much Mr Brown has nicked to fund "crusade '06"

If it contained for example: "you have earnt £1000 this month, you owe George three pints" then perhaps it'd be advice.
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 20:25, Reply)

Shopwork
I often get asked advice on purchases, such as "How long will this bottle of milk last me" or "How long will £1 of gas last me?"

Not "How long until it goes off" but "How long until I use it all." What the fuck?!
(Lupetherabbit Went straight into smirk mode on, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 20:23, Reply)

Excellent...
Advice given to me by a mate 'always back a winning horse'.

Cheers.
(luckymcdanger, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 20:16, Reply)