dear mother
the single most infuriating piece of "advice" i've received:

me: mum have you seen (insert random but important object which i've been looking for for some time)
mother: it's where you left it

really now? obviously that hadn't crossed my mind at all during any of my searching process. i'd never dream of starting my search by looking in the place i last put it. or maybe, just *MAYBE*, i've either forgotten where it was that i put it, or i've already looked there and it's gone because someone's been tidying.

you know, just a thought.
(Joey[kins], Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:06, Reply)

Doctors
I went to sign up with a new doctor the other week, and had to go through the whole rigmarole of having a 'health interview' with a nurse, which went something like this:

"So how many units of alcohol do you drink a week?"

"Too many - probably about 35."

"That's more than the WHO recommends. Drinking too much is bad for you."

"I know."

"Right. How much red meat do you eat a week?"

"Too much."

"You shouldn't eat too much red meat. It's bad for you."

“I know.”

“Do you smoke?”

“Yes.”

“You shouldn’t smoke. It’s bad for you.”

“No it’s not. Is it? Are you sure?”

(slight hesitation) “Errrm, yes it is. You must know that.”

“No. Who said it was? Is this one of those new health scare things?”

“Everyone’s known for years…. Surely you learnt at school…. Haven’t you ever….How…..?”

“I might wait and see about that. Everyone said coffee was bad for you, then a few months later, everyone said it was good for you. Same with cheese. And chocolate. Maybe it’s just a fad.”

“…………”

"Anyway, do you want this bottle of piss? I brought it in just for you.”
(geegee, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:55, Reply)

Never Talk To Strangers
I mean how the fuck are you supposed to meet people then?
( Big Ian has stopped changing his sig, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:52, Reply)

My dad always went by the missive
Never trust a man, who when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on
(My_evil_twin is suffering from Technojoy, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:50, Reply)

Damn Merkin tourists...
As a lad in Leicester square an American asked me how to find Picadilly circus. (For those who don't know it's the large illuminated corner about 100 metres away!).

I told them the circus was out of town at the moment on tour but would be back in the summer.

They looked dissappointed to have missed the circus performance, they thought it was there all year... :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:48, Reply)

Don't turn right
A couple friends of mine were on a journey by the river once after consuming some special mushrooms. They ran into a guy who was soaked head to toe.

"Whatever you do," he said, "don't turn right. I turned right, and just look at me."

That put the scare on them. They weren't able to figure out where he would have turned right that was dangerous. It must have been a difficult walk home.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:47, Reply)

'Never trust a man...
...whose eyebrows meet in the middle'.

Essentially a line from the werewolf movie A Company of Wolves, which has somehow been absorbed by society as good advice. Well, not so much 'society' as the hordes of idiots incapable of forming thier own opinions that make up most of society. True, most monobrowers do look a little shifty and/or retarded because of it, and representation by the likes of that fuckwit Liam Gallagher definitely won't help.

Thing is, it can be solved easily by the firm application and rapid removal of 5cm of sellotape every now and again. So, if it bothers you that much...
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:41, Reply)

Essex boy advice
An Essex lad friend once told me:
"Never shag a girl with flat shoes".


After pondering this gem I assume it means that anyone worth shagging in Essex wears white stillettos and the heavy birds can't risk the combination of gravity and heels!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:40, Reply)

Never judge a man
until you've walked a mile in his shoes.


Cos he'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes...
(penrose your dog's got tits, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:36, Reply)

piston broke
Piston broke

The term don't cast a clout till May is out refers to the May flower which only comes out when its warm.

Also an indian summer refers to Red Indians, just for any one who dosent know.
(ruud316, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:35, Reply)

Never turst a man
who when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on....
(penrose your dog's got tits, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:31, Reply)

Grandfatherly Advice
My late grandad once offered me the following pearl of wisdom.
"Stay away from women, trouble and French women!"
Now, I can't remember if my 10 year old self actually managed to spot the flaw in his working there or not, and question why "French women" were exempt from being classed as "women", but I do rember asking, "Why should I stay away?"

How did he choose to justify his sage-like wisdom?

"Because ahm yer Grandad!" (Whilst flexing his biceps, 70's Schwarzenegger-style)

Well, I don't know about you, but i was certainly convinced.

At least its better than my mum's favourite reposte when I used to question why I should heed her advice.
"Because I said so, thats why!!"
I mean, who does she think she is, my fucking....... ah, I see now...
(Last Night a DJ Shaved My Wife, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:31, Reply)

Back to a previous answer... Savlon for the brain
Previous answer
I can only assume there are some fucked up people in South Africa as printed on Savlon tube was the wording "Do NOT apply directly to brain".
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:23, Reply)

Useless Advice
Someone once told me that when you lose something it is always in the last place you look... no shit!
(Minty Hit, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:21, Reply)

I Visited A Loony Bin Once

And they had a big sign at the entrance:

"WARNING! MAY CONTAIN NUTS!!"

They were right....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 10:12, Reply)

Teachers say the funniest things
Not sure if this comes under ‘advice’ as such, but I remember being in junior school and doing something very naughty for a dare, I pulled someone’s chair away as he was sitting down and he landed on his arse on the floor, feet in the air, nearly whacking his head on the desk behind. When the teacher asked me why I did it, I used the age-old excuse:

“Andrew told me to.” You know what’s coming next don’t you:

“If Andrew told you to jump off a cliff would you do it?”

“Well,” I replied, “As a small boy keen to gain the approval of my classmates, I may be susceptible to a certain amount of peer pressure, but I haven’t completely lost the faculty for rational independent thought!” *

* May not be 100% fact
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 9:49, Reply)

Don't Wear Brown To Town
I live in London, and that's probably why the UPS man hasn't delivered my Fleshlight yet. Brilliant.
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Fri 20 Oct 2006, 9:36, Reply)

Im stunned no-one has mentioned
"if the wind changes you will be stuck like that"

My dad's advice when I was a youngster and off out was "don't do anything I wouldn't do"

But seeing as he used to regale me with stories of splitting his head open with a fire axe, driving around London with 9 people in his car and drinking in the same pubs as the Krays im a tad concerned.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 9:21, Reply)

My old man...
always used to offer the sage advice "Don't get your nose broken" every time I went out on the town.

What happens the time he doesn't say it?

that's right, broken nose. Admittedly not a fight, I was moshing and collided with someone's shoulder, but still a broken nose. Never seen so much blood.

Does that count as useless advice? or useless lack of it?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 9:19, Reply)

Bagpipes
I found an old diary once which had belonged to one of my uncles in the 1960s. It had on each page an old Scots proverb. Most of them were Scottish versions of other proverbs, but among the dross was the gem:

"Bring not bagpipes to a man in trouble".

Not really useless advice, but certainly irrelevant. Imagine someone hanging from a cliff by his fingertips, and him shouting for help. Who in their right mind would think of going to bring him a set of bagpipes, before phoning the police or fire service?

Unless of course you didn't like the cliff hanger, in which case playing a mournful and very loud pipe tune may well prompt him to let go...

Also, A Good Egg posted about never trusting a man who drives while wearing a hat. This is not useless - it's very good advice. Behatted drivers are either wee neds in baseball caps driving Novas/Saxos/Corsas etc very badly, or old blokes pottering about in their Rovers forgetting that there are other cars on the road these days. Both should be treated with caution, or you'll end up with a story which is too late for last week's QotW.

Average length, I'd say.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 8:53, Reply)

2 sixteen year-old girls
In inner-city melbourne, they asked me and a friend for directions. I have no idea where we sent them, but it most definitely wasn't the correct location!
This occurred around midnight. Thinking about it now I'm just hoping they didn't end up mugged/molested/raped.
(satellite blows, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 8:05, Reply)

Trust...
My dad once told me "Never trust anything anyone says to you".
Did he expect me to trust him when he said that?
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 7:58, Reply)

Read it first!!
Someone must have told my local radio station not to bother reading stuff first, before announcing it on air.

They have just done a ' Big shout out to DREW PEACOCKS'

Cue one factory exploding in laughter.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 7:55, Reply)

I've said this before...
And I'll say it again. Never mind what you LOOK like with your socks on and your willy dangling, you don't want blooming toe-cramp whilst hitting the vinegar.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 6:46, Reply)

Damn, damn, damn...
Just before heading off to spain with the lady who used to love me my father took me aside and told me to... "... treat her exactly how you'd like your sister treated..!!!".
Now, everytime I get to "treat" the ladies I get pictures in my head which should get me arrested. Bollix and all that ...
(out of his league, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 6:43, Reply)

A man who called himself "Hover" for some reason
once said to me "That is the black mountain. It is very suitable for flying cat".
(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 5:50, Reply)

Flying
I am scared of flying but can generally cope with it with the help of a few beers and plenty of reading material, crosswords etc to distract me during the flight. I wouldn't mind a pound for every person who's said to me "Oh don't worry, if the plane goes down there's nothing you can do about it, you're gonna die anyway" or words to that effect.

Huh? That's exactly what I'm scared of!
(eesnahk, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 4:48, Reply)

Woman advice
We are all 14 except for carl who is 16. We are just about to have a naughty pissup round my friends house, carl has got the beer for us. We all grab one and just before he cracks his open carl feels the need to pass on some great wisdom.

"Hey listen lads, If a birds asks you for sex, dont say no. It worked for me"

Cheers carl.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 4:42, Reply)

The Birds And The Bees
When I started sprouting hairs in new places and taking an interest in Edith Bliss from Wonder World (it's an Australian TV show) My father, being my father, decided it would be best if I got "the lecture" from his best mate, possibly the most irresponsible person I've ever had the good fortune of meeting.
"My boy," he says, offering me a beer because I was after all, 13, "there are two things you need to know about sex.
"Safe sex is using a false name."
and
"Excelpet flea care will get rid of the crabs just as good as a trip to the doctor and it's far less embarrassing."
Actually, it's probably more unusual advice than useless.
( difficultchild, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 2:11, Reply)

Fountain of useless knowledge
God bless my Dad. He has a vast knowledge of pretty much everything, even that really obscure crap that wins you the top prizes on daytime TV quizzes. But he doesn't half come out with some stupid advice, almost always about trust. A couple of his pearls of wisdom include, "Never trust a man who drives a car wearing a hat" and "never trust anything with more limbs than you".
(A Good Egg, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 1:34, Reply)