Not quite on topic..
Hmm..

Well, there was the time me and my then girlfriend saw a couple, erm, coupling. We wouldn't have stayed to watch, but it was in one of the side streets near Leicester Square, and there was a small crowd.

Apart from that, I've not been fortunate enough to see anyone interesting doing the do.

Having said that, I stayed in a friend's brother's spare bedroom once. Said brother had some interesting pictures of his then wife in the bed side cabinet. She was rather attractive, and nicely proportioned.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 17:49, Reply)

Well handy
There was a story in my local rag a few years ago about a 'gentleman' who was up in court on an indecency charge, because a lady who worked as a cleaner was on her way to work early one morning and said she saw him standing naked by his window fwapping away for anyone who happened to be passing by. Perhaps not that dangerous at 5am.

He got off (the charge...) by proving that he was right-handed. She said he'd been using his left...

.

I will add however that the reason I remember this story is because the man is a genius. I'll explain:

First of all, I'm right-handed and I generally use my left for the old knuckle shuffle (that's all you need to know). But the genius part is that no lawyer/judge/person is ever going to stand up court and dispute his argument!! How could they prove it? By admitting they can use both hands!? Kudos sir, you dirty buggar.
(Zutroy started without you, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 17:02, 2 replies)

Reap roast
b3ta.com/questions/horriblesights/post83041/

I still can't listen to them without thinking of him curling out the ol' cleveland steamer
(Zutroy started without you, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 16:45, Reply)

It could be any one of you!
I'M WATCHING YOU!
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 15:19, 5 replies)

Sheffield Botanical Gardens
Cadged a lift with a friend of a friend. She had made reference to the gardens as being a popular spot for young, amourous couples to 'get it on' late at night while we were walking through.

Foolishly I said "we must try it ourselves sometime ... ". An innocent enough comment, or so I thought, as I *was* on my way to visit the g/f at the time. Next thing I know she's kneeling in front of me doing the business. I should have thought it through, really. I was feeling a little self conscious. She wasn't. Nor were any of the people who walked past ...
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 15:08, Reply)

Another bloody animal one
Me and the Mrs had been going at it for a while (parents out, nice and loud etc) and just as i was about to reach the 'ah, bisto' moment her bloody dog comes running in!

It's a big bastard happy labrador so as labs do, it got up in my face with it's tongue lolling out looking oh so happy to see me and wondering just why i'm pinning his owner to the bed, barking loudly all the while as i'm unloading a couple of pints totally mortified! Never before have i felt abused by an animal, i can't look him in the eye anymore :(
(Xyphious : Sinkin' Gin since '85, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 14:37, Reply)

First year students
At City University halls there were halls of residence opposite one another, one mainly inhabited by first years.

In the evening when they were all being dropped off for the first time, they didn't realise that with their lights on they could be seen by a whole high-rise of people opposite.

The effect was like an advent calendar of voyeurism - crying teenagers, hysterical mothers, dads shuffling about glancing at their watches. But the best bit was the minute mum and dad had left, when we bet on what the student would do first - drink a can of stella, skin up or have wank. Often in their giddy excitement they'd try and do all three at the same time. Until a yoghurt pot exploded on their window. Ha!
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 14:35, Reply)

Egypt
I went to Egypt last summer. For you ladies who get pissed off at random builders telling you to get your tits out, the harrassment you receive in Egypt is a hundred times worse. Unless you're wearing a burqa you won't be able to walk down the street without being mobbed. This is because those charming Egyptian men think that all Western women are completely indiscriminate about who they will sleep with and just gagging for a bit of Middle Eastern cock. So even wearing a hijab with your most shapeless outfit won't save you - if you're white, you'll get groped.*

In Alexandria, we found a private beach run by a Christian couple and were ecstatic to have found somewhere where we could strip off down to bikinis and feel the baking sun on our skins. We spent the day reading, sunning ourselves and revelling in the blissful peace of not having to be constantly on our guard to fight off sleazy men. All was well with the world.

That is, until I got sand stuck in my bikini bottoms. The showers on this beach were hidden behind a couple of big trees and, as I stood under one of them I decided that since nobody else was around it would be a great idea to pull the front of my bikini bottoms forward to rinse out the sand. After about 30 seconds, I suddenly got the feeling that I was being watched. Yep, this beach backed onto a block of apartments, and there was a fat middle-aged man leaning over a balcony directly above me, fwapping over my ladyparts.

*I actually really, really wouldn't recommend going to Egypt as a single woman. It's hideous. I nearly got raped at one point. But there are lots of wonderful things about Egypt too, 'tis a great place...
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 13:55, 1 reply)

That's not her drawers
Years ago a few friends and I went to Benidorm. Our hotel afforded a good view across the town towards the beach, and took in a row of holiday homes on the street opposite. Regularly while we were sunning ourselves on the balcony, several other people would be doing the same across the street, oblivious to our view of them.

One day, a not-entirely-unattractive older lady was out there, doing - of all things - her ironing. Being the only thing close to an attractive female we'd seen on those balconies so far, she became something of a celebrity with us. "She's ironing again" would be the shout, and we'd all pile out to have a quick look.

One such occasion represented the Utopia of our voyeurism - obviously thinking she was secluded out there, she'd decided a spot of topless ironing was in order. Cue the following conversation:

Me: "Fellas, she's out again. And she's topless"
* STAMPEDE FROM WITHIN THE ROOM AS THE OTHERS JOIN ME *
Mate: Nice
Me: Yep. It's a pity she's wearing such minging knickers though. Look at 'em, they look like some kind of animal fur
Mate: Er...
Me: What?
Mate: I'm not sure that is a pair of knickers actually...

Closer inspection did indeed reveal that she wasn't just topless, but completely starkers, and in posession of possibly THE bushiest clopper this side of Germany. It actually went round the back as well. Suffice to say she was stricken from the spy list very shortly afterwards...
(titusyouclown, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 12:49, Reply)

199n
*** had passed out as I was trying it on with her. (An equal and apposite reaction, I suppose). So I was left in the room, drinking beer. It was a hot, hot night and the air was heavy, and fat, and sticky. I could feel the night running over my skin. It was as sticky as cum.

T***, A*** and J****, my friends (the alcoholics synonymous) came around to see me. I was pleased to see them, because all I had been doing was sitting on my own, cross-legless, and frustrated; The heat was sucking the beer out of me faster than I could drink it. We played cards and then we went to a party J**** had heard his friend was DJing at. The party was in a large flat. There were cushions and pillows scattered along the edges of the sweating brick walls and a DJ was playing dance tunes. I could smell expensive weed, and sweat, and beer and something else. The air hung as if it was stoned. Beer was in crates on the floor and by the wall opposite the front door, a girl sat astride a chap. He was half sitting on the floor and she was on top of him, her back to him.

The air was cloying and the smoke was cool. The music was disorienting me. I thought of *** back home, sprawled like a shipwreck, asleep. The path between her bedroom door and her soft bed was strewn with her clothes, thrown down like drunken confessions. I thought of her clothes and I thought of her white skin, fat and glistening in her dirty bed and I felt hotter. I thought of the ash in the ashtray by her bed, and the way her triangle of hair looked in the nigh time.

"Look at that." T*** said. "He's fucking her with his cock". He said it flat and matter of fact as if it were as boring as last week's lower division football results. I could see the girl, grinding slowly on the boy. She had long brown hair and soft brown eyes and half of me wished she didn't have her long dress where it was, over her legs and over the crotch of the boy, and half of me was glad she did. She was rocking slowly, as if to the beat of the music. But I could see that it wasn't the music which was rocking her.

It wasn't that at all. And I felt a long, long way from Anglia.

The boy was skinning up as he fucked her slow and even, and everyone else was too cool to openly stare. But I did. I could feel the sweat on the collar of my white shirt as I drank a big pull of beer. He was still moving, languid and arrogant. I reckon I'd have finished by now. The girl brushed her hair back from her face and I saw her looking at me. Not quickly enough, or too quickly, I looked down at my trainers. I wore the same type of clothes as everyone else, but I still felt alone. I couldn't work it out. A heavy second later I looked back. She was still looking at me. I looked at her. From the corner of my eye I could see that the boy had finished skinning up. He put one hand soft up her blouse and I could see where it stopped. Despite the heat, with every breath I remembered to take, I shivered. I stared at the girl, and I could just tell the girl was staring at me. I just could.

I felt like a peasant confronted by the lady of the manor on horseback. The music was hypnotic. My friends had wandered off. There was just him, her and me. He was still moving inside her as he smoked the spliff. I felt the sweat on my collar. He started to move faster. In the morning there would be a line of grime where my skin had touched the fabric. A mark to prove I'd been here. He passed the spliff to her and started moving faster. I could see her face and I could see her bare feet. Her toes were clenched. I watched as she toked. The air was hot and still. Faster. The end of the joint was hot and red and angry. As red as my vision. I felt the cold bottle of beer in my hand. I could feel the sweat on the bottle evaporating. I could feel the heat in the room. He was making long, fast movements and she looked at me and I looked at her and saw the way she moved on him. The windows were open but there was no draft. I took a pull of my beer and felt it wash around my teeth and down my tight throat. She looked as if she gasped, but the music and the thumping in my ears made it impossible to hear. I saw her toes unclench. She smoothed her skirt down with her free hand. I was hoping for some of her spliff. In my head she passed me the slpiff and I tasted her saliva on the end. In reality, A*** threw a beer can which bounced off my head. "Mon." he said. "S boring. We're going to play snooker". Sometimes, I really hated my friends, and sometimes I really loved them.
(sirolimus, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 11:46, 2 replies)

Reading Festival 2006
They say festivals generally bring out the best/worst in people. The combination of sleeping in a field, drinking large amounts of alcohol and taking copious amounts of drugs tends to lower people's inhibitions quite a bit. Normally, this is a good thing. In some cases it's not. This is one of those cases.

It's mid afternoon on the Friday of the Reading Festival. I'm there thanks to £70 weekend tickets on eBay the week before and decide it'd be fun to walk up from the comedy tent to see Slayer on the main stage. Whoever was on before had just finished, made my way up to the front left. The ground's covered in rubbish. Cardboard beer cups, plastic bottles (some which seem to be full of piss), newspaper, dodgy festival noodles, etc. You don't really even want to sit down on it. Get down to the front and there's a fair bit of room as people are still filtering around. Look around, and there's a pretty wrecked looking couple sitting down and working on getting bits of food out of each other's teeth by the look of things. Wait around a bit killing time, look back over and they're getting a bit more passionate about the necking rolling about on the floor in the rubbish. Shudder and kill time playing spot the parent. Look back over... Oh god... Her skirt's up and his boxers are down over his arse crack... Surely they're not... Yup, they are.

Here's some a couple of pictures for your enjoyment. Just before people started throwing anything they could get their hands on (click for big).




(MattWPBS, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 11:45, 3 replies)

Slapper! Bets! Doggy Style! Cowboy Hats!
When I was at Uni, there were 7 of us in a house. We'd been friends for years, and had no secrets from one another (except the lad who hid the fact he was gay until he was sectioned some years later).

One guy had been seeing a girl who would do pretty much anything with anyone. He was pleased as she was ace in bed, but her constant infidelity upset him a bit.

As it was a casual thing, he shared some details and a bet was eventually made. We offered him a tenner each if he could get her from behind and convince her to bark like a dog. Further bonus money was available if he could wear his cowboy hat at the same time.

Naturally we had to witness this in order to pay out so we drilled a hole in his door, suitable for peeking through.

A few nights hence he was out with her, and brought her back. We waited for him to get down to business and began a-peeking. She was dirty (and we were surprised to see he hadn't been lying when he said he had a big knob, the bastard!) and gradually things hotted up.

Unaware that there was a group of lads taking turns to watch through the viewing hole, Nick turned her round, then gave us a wink and thumbs up. He whispered in her ear, and all of a sudden the barking began. He reached round to his chair, put on his hat, and even exceeded expectations by making full on rodeo motions.

We collapsed laughing and made our way from the door to the living room and began counting out money, and opening some cans.

When she left we cornered Nick, and presented him with the dough. He accepted gratefully and said he was trying so hard not to laugh he nearly fell off.

One of the funniest things I've ever seen.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 15 Oct 2007, 11:09, 1 reply)

She saw more than she expected....
School, age 14, had to leave a sports lesson
early for an appointment, I undressed and was
about to go into the shower when I heard a toilet
flush and the cubicle door opened, I turned round
and was face to face with a girl I didn't know.
Took about an hour (felt like it) to get my hands
down to cover my embarassment, she apoligised and
said the girls toilets were out of order and
left. I was so red I think I burned the paintwork.
She didn't look me in the face when I saw her again.
(Underpants, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 11:09, 1 reply)

Facebook voyeurism...
I've just been surfing through my friends profile pages, as one tends to do of a morning, seeing what they've been getting up to and what other people have been writing on their walls.

Ok, I admit it, I've been spying on my friends. That's what social networking sites are for, shurely?!

Annnnyway, I looked at my friend Ben's page, scrolled down, and there's a video of a man (not Ben himself) sucking his own cock! I have never shut a web page so quickly, I'm just glad there's only one other person in the office today and they can't see my screen!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 10:53, Reply)

Beer festival shenanigans
Back in the early days of our relationship, when ex-Mrs PJM was a reasonably tolerable person to be around I took her to a local beer festival which has a tradition for being an annual reunion for my school and college mates.

The custom was to pitch tents, tuck into a few lazy beers and generally piss about in the fields surrounding the festival venue playing cricket, footy or lying in the late sumnmer sunshine reading or enjoying a card game. I noted the whicked gleam in ex-Mrs PJM's eye and saw her roll her eyes in the direction of our tent, so we crept off in the fatally mistaken belief that our absence hadn't been noted.

Twenty minutes later her legs were over my shoulders and matters were at a crucial stage. She pushed her hand out against the fabric of the tent and her breathing hit a tell-tale rhythm. At that exact moment, a passing friend (hi Gary!) noticed the imprint of her hand pushed against the side of the tent and an evil plan formulated in his head.

Cue the somewhat odd situation of ex-Mrs PJM climaxing holding some other fella's hand.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 15 Oct 2007, 10:42, 2 replies)

true story (but didn't happen to me)
my friend used to work in the sexual health field, where naturally there's a fair mix of hetero- and homosexual types and a somewhat frank attitude to such things. Anyway the boss of this section was the only one who never talked about their sex life, and no one could imagine what they'd be into - they didn't seem to have any interest in women, nor did the gaydar register.

Anyway, one day the boss left their computer without locking the screen, and so naturally they'd decide to have a look at what internet sites he'd been on. Years later I remember the exact words my friend told me:

"at last - a bitch who'll fuck you up the arse and then make you lick the shit off her cock."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 10:24, 1 reply)

Very like “Red Road”, if you ignore the differences
A close friend of mine, whom we shall call Bella (for that was NOT her name, and I like her a lot), shared a house while a student with Cath (which is almost certainly not her name, either, though I can’t remember). Cath supplemented her income by working in a CCTV control room.

After having been out the previous night, Bella stumbled into the living room. Cath was there, and invited Bella to sit down. She had something to show her.

A VHS was produced and placed into the machine. The image was CCTV footage of a shop doorway. The timebar said about 2 AM. The girl lifting her skirt, pulling down her underwear and releasing a torrent of Bacardi-and-Coke wee was Bella.

CCTPee, anyone?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 10:17, 1 reply)

Dogging?
Since I moved in with the missus, I have witnessed a fair few things normally kept private.

I live on the lowest floor in our flat, and standing on the balcony gives a good view along the street.

In a year, I have seen:
the woman across the street naked,
a girl who lives across the street blowing her boyfriend in his car (right under her window).

The best would have to be this one though. One weekend, 3am or so, I hear loud music from outside. I go onto the balcony to check it out, and notice a car with its windows open, and a couple shagging, oblivious to everything. She was on top, and really oblivious, because she then took off her top, giving everyone a lovely few of her great tits.

Couple of minutes later, the guy came, and the girl wanted too as well - so she lifted her skirt, sat close to her man's face, and fingered herself to an orgasm. Then promptly pulled down her skirt, grabbed her top (didnt put it on though), got out the car and walked into her building.

Length - about 10 minutes by my count
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 10:10, Reply)

How to put this...?
Okay... About five minutes ago... Balamory... Josie Jump... Archie... Archie's 'feeling machine'... Josie putting her hands into the two hand-holes the mad inventor Archie has cut in to his 'feeling machine'... Josie cannot see what Archie is up to behind the cardboard... Archie wears a kilt... I go out of the room, already hot under the collar... I hear Josie say..."It's knobbly, and all wet, it's long and slimy..."

The reason it's taken me five minutes to post this is the furious wank I've just subjected myself to.
(Give me the cheese you cocksucker No board sig in protest., Mon 15 Oct 2007, 9:47, 1 reply)

Doggie style!
Now we've heard all the stories about animals watching you while getting some action.

It also happened to me while I was being rogered sensless on a sofa which had no arms. Thus my head was lolling over the edge and the dog walks in - so I'm looking at him upside down. I'm thinking it's ok cause he doesn't understand whats going on. No problem for me or my partner. Unfortunatly after a short while, the dog starts to smile and lick his lips and the first thing that goes through my mind is that he's waiting for his turn.

EW! MOMENT RUINED

Never let that dog see me naked again.
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 9:15, Reply)

Scat voyeurism
I had just moved into a shared flat with a bloke I vaguely knew through my mates brother. Nice enough guy, the only thing was he kept dropping logs so incredibly huge that they couldn’t be flushed. These things were easily 12 inches long with a girth that would make a whore blush.

Anyways, I was down the pub with my mates telling them how unbelievably huge these turds were and happened to mention that there was one in our toilet as we speak.

Once last orders had come and gone we set off for home. A few mates that lived near me decided to come back to mine for a spliff and mentioned that they were quite intrigued by the sheer size of these monsters and so wanted to have a look.

Cue my flatmate coming home to see me and four of my mates sharing a spliff around the toilet whilst discussing his dump.

That’s some pretty shit voyeurism.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 9:03, Reply)

A truly sad time....
Whilst at uni, I lived with the Ex-Mrs McS and a lovely girl called Jen. This is not about her...

When Jen moved out (she reckoned she had been mugged or some such), we looked for a new flattie to help pay the costs.

At the time the coolest bloke in Uni was super uni rugby star, Jim. Fit, atheletic and with a trophy, hot-to-trot girlfriend, he was my obvious choice for taking on the spare room and he soon moved in.

Whilst Jim moved in, I noted he had an Xbox and I made a plan to play it given the chance.

My day for Xbox came. I snook into his room, noting the vast array of Psychology books he had and the pics of his perfectly proportioned girlfriend in a bikini adorning his walls. I fired up the Xbox and sat on the edge of the bed to play.

Within 10 mins I heard the front door click. I panicked...what should I do? I'm not supposed to be in there, I've been through stuff to get the game I wanted!

I heard Jim shout, seeing if there was anyone home...I quietly turned off the 'box and secreted myself in his wardrobe in a fit of sheer stupidity and worry about getting caught.

I had the door fully closed, but heard him and his girl enter the room chatting. I started to wish I had left the door open as I heard Jim mention "that special thing" to his girlfriend.

As I listened intently to the kissing and the twanging of elastic as they got undressed I wondered what the "special thing" was. A few minutes later I found out...

I heard Jim telling said GF to "Push it in for me...nice and slow like before". I realised I had to see this wonderous Valkerie of a woman taking it (hopefully in the Wrong 'Un) so with ninja-esque grace cracked the door...to see Jim's girlfriend very gently slipping a ten-inch black strap-on into Jim's anus.

I gently closed the door again, closed my eyes and thought of a happy place until they left the house again.

Apologies for nothing....you love it you bitch.
(Flambe_McSpastard will charge $30 for gay bum rape today, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 7:51, 1 reply)

Bikini...
Back when I was about 12, before the hormones really kicked in, I was walking along a pool wall and happened to notice some (really fit) bird in a bright yellow bikini. She was with a friend in the pool and was right beneath me...

She chose that moment to pop one of her (very nice) knockers out of her bikini and into full view. I almost fell off the wall but kept on walking, somewhat in shock... Still, very memorable.

If you are that girl, click 'I like this'.
(satellite blows, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 6:49, Reply)

When the lights came on
The lovely Lora and I were visiting the tourist caves on a Saturday afternoon after a session of noontide silken dalliance. We reached the biggest cavern and the guide said he’d show us the natural colours. Click, and pitch dark. Within two seconds the lovely Lora had her hand down the front of my trousers. She must have been waiting for it and was having a good rummage around when the guide decided that those few seconds of darkness were enough. He was looking right at us as the lights came on. Tipped us a big wink, but I don’t think any others noticed. Bet he did it to all the couples.

Oh, and er – misplaced gussets. Ladies, if you are truly slim it’s probably best not to wear very short shorts. Particularly not shorts made from the more robust types of fabric.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 3:40, Reply)

Hot roomates and a poor performance
For a while in my younger days, a flatted with a bird who we shall call Gemma (big surprise because that is her name). Now Gemma had a boyfriend at the time who didn't live on premises, and every night or two he would come around to service their sexual needs. Now needless to say as soon as they shot upstairs to do the deed, the noises of moaning and groaning and beds rattling and springs squeaking would filter down to me in the lounge room. And unfortunately, he was the only moaner.

I used to laugh when that would last for a total of 3-4min. I had a nickname of "quickfire" for this fellow, as I though 3-4min was a disappointing performance.

In time they split up and I had a chance at a bit of flatmate on flatmate action. You can imagine my disappointment when my first time out I couldn't even muster a good minute. I hope to god no one was being a voyeur towards me.

First Post I say - and I think the post has enough embarrassing reference to length (though it got much better – honest!)
(blutt_pug got lost in a dark chasm on, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 2:44, Reply)

What a coincidence
I'm watching you right now. I see you there with your hand down your pants. Naughty boy.
(mmm....beer, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 2:17, 3 replies)

Crap film crap blowjob
Me and the now ex missus went to the cinema earlier this year to watch a film believe it or not. This was a regular thing because basically we didn't have a lot in common and we both in it for the sex and as this activity involved not much in the way of chit chat it suited me fine. For some reason she always got pretty horny about 10 minutes into a film (ended up walking out of Norbit in favour of a bit of rumpy pumpy) which usually resulted in me fighting her off my fly zip whilst she tried to undo it and get my cock out in the crowded theater until the film had finished and we could drive somewhere a bit more secluded to steam up the windows on my car (some of the places were not that secluded in hindsight and I'm pretty sure we must have been spotted). Well one night we made the mistake of going to watch quite possibly the most boring and uninteresting film I have ever seen at the cinema (Curse Of The Golden Flower) and as a result there was bugger all people in there, must have been about 3 other people scattered around. The usual thing happened 10 minutes into the film so I had to fend her off whilst I tried to get into the film but try as I might i just couldn't enjoy it. So I gave in fighting half way through the film. I have a quick scan of the theater to make sure no one is in the vicinity and before I know it my zip is down and my cock is out with my ex going to work on a nice teeth scraping blow job (she was shite at oral bless her). Well this goes on for some time as its difficult to reach a climax when you feel pain and pleasure at the same time, unless you are into that sort of thing, I am not as it happens. So the deed is complete after I finally release a healthy dose of baby batter which my ex swallowed quite willingly whilst moaning. I put the old man away and do my flies up whilst my ex tells me I don't taste too bad and I get a hefty nostril full of spunk smell from her breath so I hand her a minty fresh chewing gum. The film finished, we scarper to steam up the windows and all is good. Next time we go to the cinema however, whilst I get myself comfortable before the lights go down I happen to look at the ceiling to see a number of CCTV camera domes "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" I think to myself as I realise I have unwittingly been the star of the CCTV operators filthy porn viewing for an evening. I happen to mention this to the ex who finds it a turn on (she really was filthy bitch, but before you get excited fellas, she wasn't much of a looker and she had practically no arse, I mean she wasn't the slimmest girl but her arse was basically just a crack at the bottom of her back where it molded into her legs. I love a nice arse on women so this was a complete turn off for me.....but anyway I'm drifting off) and she is begging me for a repeat performance in a crowded theater!. I haven't been back to the cinema since and I couldn't look at the staff on the way out knowing that they had seen my shoot my load for free, if I was in porn I wouldn't mind obviously...I dumped the ex not long after that and i am now very careful to choose when and where I get frisky, actually no I'm not because I have been caught in the headlights of quite a few cars in car parks that I thought wouldn't be in use at 2am.


Length? about 15 minutes of teeth scraping and about 4 days to heal.

P.S. first post, wooo.
(Rickaaay Call me Ricky, for that is my name., Mon 15 Oct 2007, 1:53, 3 replies)

my folks bought a camcorder
and being about 14 at the time, I decided that filming myself having a wank was the most creative use of this shiny new toy.

Now, obviously, I knew how sensitive this sort of material can be when you've got two sisters, so I thought the best place to leave the tape was in the camera.

In the cupboard.

Where everyone had access to it.

It wouldn't have been so bad, but my younger sister showed it to all of her friends who promptly told theirs and so on and so on.

12 years later and the story still comes back to me on occasion, with more and more embellishments each time. The most recent version has me fucking a teddy bear while wearing a skin tight catsuit and shouting my mother's name.

I also found photos my sister took of her vag, but being a decent sort of a bloke I have said nothing as yet.

Also, I went to school with the guy who delivers my parents' post. He said that one day while delivering to their house, he caught - through the window - a glimpse of my dad wanking into the fruit bowl.

what the fuck is wrong with my family?
( BlueHaze Chutney. All good., Mon 15 Oct 2007, 1:21, 1 reply)