I've always had problems wit h clocks going forward and backwards.
Really, I just can't understand it.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:47, 14 replies)

I'm in the middle of a case right now.
Someone sneaked into our house and ate all the custard creams.
Hanging's too good for 'em.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:44, 4 replies)

I could be the opposite of a detective...
... So unobservant and quick to jump to illogical conclusions I am.
Here is one from just last week: about to go downstairs from my girfriends bedroom, I picked up the last night's glasses of water to put in the dishwasher.
As I stood up, I heard the unmistakeable sound from beneath me of water trickling from the glasses onto the floorboards from the glasses that I was holding at a weird angle.
Except that I did mistake it for being a sound from above, so I looked up at the ceiling and said gravely to my girlfriend that there seemed to be a bad leak in the roof, but I couldn't see where it was, while continuing to pour water on the floor.

My girlfriend looked rather incredulous, it's fair to say
(clinteastwoodbradfield, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:40, 1 reply)

Well, there was that time we found that hentai nonce,
and that creepy fat nudist who had proper angsty teenager issues with his ex-girlfriends even though he was 53.
And basically everyone is AB's archive who is filed under 'Dirty Old Men, Nonces and Creepy Pervs.'
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:29, 17 replies)

"The Case of the Bloody Foot"
Years ago I had decided to pop up into the town centre. Now there were two basic routes I could take, so I chose one and went on my way. Along my travels, I started noticing bloody footprints on the pavement - I was following their journey back to their origins...

Just one right foot, each time spaced well apart so whoever it was had been clearly running. Due to the shape of the print, the hapless individual was either barefoot or wearing socks, and the blood appeared to have been running down to the inside of the foot, by the way it had been pooling with every foot-fall. Every so often, the foot was turned inwards, so it looked like the victim had been looking behind them on their “leisurely jog”.

After only a short while, I tracked the footprints back to a house where the blood was still on the white tile doorstep. Thinking better of it, I did not venture further, but turned around and went the other way back into town. As it would happen, this was the route the footprints had taken, themselves - a good 10 or 12 minute walk. All the way they showed the signs of the person turning around whilst running for their life. They stopped by a bollard in a service road that lead into the high-street.

As luck would have it, there was a policeman on duty, so I relayed my strange and gruesome discovery to him. He jotted it all down and I left my contact details.

I heard nothing more about it and by the next day, rain had washed away the majority of the evidence...
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:27, 6 replies)

all in a mornings work
A few facts to start with:
I am in a band. I play Bass. We practice in a large spare room for free at my mums work (Situated in the hills and valleys of England, miles from anywhere). We store our gear at said work.

One morning my mother was driving to work and spotted 'someone' walking through the fields near her work, she thought she recognised him, wondered why he was carrying something that looked like a guitar case, but didn't think too much of it. Out of curiosity though, she went to check our storage room, it had been busted open, kicked if you will. She panicked knowing that I kept two of my basses in there, one a very expensive but plain looking one, the other very cheap, but fancy looking. It was this one that was missing.(thankfully he knew boff all about guitars etc) Other stuff had been riffled through, but nothing taken.

She calls me to let me know. I was pissed off, but thankful the other bass was safe. She told me who she thought it might be. We both agreed it was probably gone, never to return.

I set off to work, annoyed that the twat had nicked my bass.

About an hour later I get a call from my Dad. It turns out that my mum had called my sister as she normally does of a morning and mentioned the stolen bass and the twat that stole it, "he's probably taken it to (local cash-for-goods shop)", mother then rings father and informs him, he goes to afore mentioned shop and asks if a bass had been handed in, it had and was on the counter (it turns out my dad had held the door open for the twat as he'd left the shop), dad calls me, I describe bass over phone, dad gets bass back all within 2 hours. Result.

The police then take prints from the bass, mine are in obvious places, the twats were in obscure ones, nicely laid out.

It turns out that the twat had broken into mothers work (a charity based religious place) stole money from anywhere he could, stole the bass, legged it through fields, sold the bass, and case for £30. The case is worth £50...

He was caught a week later, probably when the £30 had run out. He'd also been caught stealing etc from other local businesses and went down for 8 months.

He's back out now. Twat. But we got him. Briefly...
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:26, 7 replies)

This gives a depressing insight to my geekiness.
On a bookcase in my bedroom, I have a model Tardis. If you press the button underneath, it makes Tardis noises. But it shouldn't do them any other time. Except that it started doing it when I walked past it sometimes. I assumed it was a warning about the batteries, so I changed them, but it carried on doing it. It started doing it in the middle of the night during the summer, waking me and the girlfriend up (I am shoehorning a reference to the girlfriend in here just to prove that a grown man with a model Tardis can also have a girlfriend. It's rare, but it does happen). I spent ages trying to figure out why it was doing it? Was it movement? Maybe the bookcase wobbled and set it off? Was it the switch set up wrong? I left it switched both 'on' and 'off' and neither made any difference, still at seemingly random times I would just hear the familiar sound that accompanies The Doctors arrival or departure. I eventually took the batteries out and still the noise continued, the fucking thing was haunted. I eventually got sick of waking up on hot summer nights where I was already struggling to sleep because of the noise of the road and the foxes through the open windows, I grumpily got out of bed, snatched it off the bookshelf, marched to the kitchen and threw it in the bin. Pissed off at my loss, but looking forward to some peace and quiet at last I stumbled back to the bedroom, dropped on to the bed. And two minutes later I heard the familar sound again, coming from the bookcase.

utterly freaked out now I went over to have a look, but there was (obviously) nothing there. The sound had stopped, so I convinced myself Imust have imagined it and went back to bed.

When I started to hear Tardis noises as I was pulling a jumper over my head that morning, I left for work trying to convince myself that it was just tiredness, but when I walked back in that evening and heard them again, I knew something wasn't right.

Just before utter madness set in, I spotted the problem. There, on the top shelf, opening and closing just enough in the breeze from the windows or when anyone walked past, was the cardboard insert that made this work: www.sfx.co.uk/2011/04/06/sfx-issue-208/


I did at least, rescue my actual Tardis from the rubbish in time. A quick wipe to get the baked beans off any it's as good as new. And silent.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:24, 4 replies)

Brown stain on the carpet.
From this alone my girlfriend deduced I had stuck her rampant rabbit up my arse and shit myself.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:20, 4 replies)

If It moves and it shouldn't
use Duct tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD40
(username failed moderation, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:12, 3 replies)

Not on my watch.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:11, Reply)

Why do /talk insist on telling everyone on QOTW how shit they are
and then moan about how shit QOTW is?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:10, 26 replies)

sgt detective roota
can spot an edmund or a rogerboresme at 10000000 yards.

and then there is AB with his tireless work sniffing out the kernels of fiction that might otherwise be allowed to lurk amongst the legally-required-to-be-totally-true archives of /qotw.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:10, 6 replies)

What really mystifies me.
People who constantly mispronounce things. Not things like people's names - this is easy enough to do, but words that everyone else says all the time where you might be.

How hard is it to say "specific" correctly? Complete mystery as to why everyone says "pacific" instead.

The biggest mystery is my work colleague, whom we shall name A, who uses his Essex heritage as reasoning for his poor pronounciation. "Winterthur" becomes "WinTERRthu". "Paté" is "Pate" which is apparently what every person from Essex says. The best he saved for yesterday, after the renaming of the famous singer Sade to "Sayd".

Some peoples gobs and brains - a complete fucking mystery.

Yes, I know, I'm a pedantic cunt
(mediumpete and his frozen cheese collection wrote this, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:10, 11 replies)

I once worked out the killer in a Sherlock Holmes adventure just from the title.
It was THe Adventure of the Lion's Mane. I saw it and thought to myself 'I bet it's a jellyfish what does it!' (SPOILER ALERT) Turns out it was. Pointed this out to the wife, and how it made me cleverer than the world famous detective- it took him about 20 pages- and she said something along the lines of 'but they didn't have National Geographic or the Discovery Channel then, did they? You smug prick.' I find it hard to argue with her reasoning on that one, truth be told.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:07, 5 replies)

Kill me.
SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE MISSING LEMON



One day Sherlock Holmes and Watson sat down to enjoy their favourite lunch of fish and chips.

Just as they were about to tuck in, Holmes suddenly stood up and shouted.

"Watson stand up!"

Confused, Watson stood up.

"Watson! Drop your trousers!" he barked.

Worried, Watson loosened his belt and dropped his trousers.

"Watson! Bend over!" Holmes ordered.

Watson bent over.

Holmes then plucked the wedge of lemon from Watson's plate and shoved it straight up Watson's arse.

Watson screamed "In God's name Holmes, what on earth are you doing?"


To which Holmes calmly replied "A lemon-entry my dear Watson ... a

lemon-entry ..."


Cheers


This is all true and happened to me by the way, i was in the restaurant.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:07, 3 replies)

Relationships...
I don't understand how I have managed 7 months in this relationship, foul play must be afoot.

But really, I love mysteries and would love to know what the UFO I saw was. Day time, 6 of us watched it. only a few hundred feet high... weird 2D type view, constantly changing shape, dead black with no features.

Can a bin bag hold a flight trajectory for 5 odd minutes?
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:06, 3 replies)

Why does my asshole hurt after huffing turpentine with homeless men?

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:05, 1 reply)

The Lesser-Spotted Womble
It took me years, genuinely YEARS, of actively wondering about it before I finally realised why the Wombles' theme tune says:

"Underground, overground, wombling free - the wombles of Wimbledon: common are we!"

WHY does it say they're common? They're obviously very very uncommon! A species found only in one small area of one city in one country has to be pretty endangered, surely?




The discovery of the truth was both illuminating and deeply anticlimactic.
( Seventh is somewhat subdued, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:05, 10 replies)

magnets. how the fuck do they work?
Sorry.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:03, 10 replies)

why do I have two daddies?
When everyone else in my class has a daddy and a mummy?
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:03, 2 replies)

The policeman is the murderer

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:02, 1 reply)

He would have got away with it.
If it hadn't been for us pesky kids.
( barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:02, Reply)

He's a ghost.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 13:00, 1 reply)

One mystery
is why any of the twats who posted before this bothered to do so.

Edit: Apart from Mock Turtle who posted alongside me with the same point.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 12:59, 2 replies)

Cunts
Who cares what numbers you are.



I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!*

*Shamelessly stolen from Sikipedia
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 12:59, 3 replies)

3rd
yay
(edit) I always wondered what happened to Rod Jane and Freddy and if their relationship was purely professional. Plus if UFO's do exist where the hell do they come from
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 12:56, 4 replies)

2nd

(mobi I completed the Internet on 'hard'. Twice., Thu 13 Oct 2011, 12:55, 1 reply)

1st

(How soon is now?, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 12:54, 5 replies)