I'm Andy McCluskey

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 19:27, 2 replies)

I have OMC
How bizzare
(The man they couldn't spang Got spanged on, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 18:56, 6 replies)

The curry plate
I have a special plate that I only use for eating indian curries.

It has a deeper dish to it than my "standard" plates.

If I accidentally use it during the week I wash it and put it to the bottom of the stack so statistically I won't use it before my usual weekly curry take away.

When getting the plate out to pre-heat in the oven I sing/chant "mm curry plate, curry plate, you are my only curry plate."

When I place the order at the indian take away it goes like this:

"ring ring"

"Hello"

"Can I have my usual"

"20 mins"

No name, no drill pack. I think they know I have my curry plate ready.
( Signify, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 18:54, 15 replies)

Paddling the river
I count the number of low dams I have to portage round.
For some reason I do this in hex.
When I get to the 14th one I stop to eat a twix.
(Biff..., Tue 20 Dec 2011, 16:50, Reply)

Three drains . . .
Since I was about 16 - 17 I couldn't walk across three consecutive drains/man-hole covers. Dunno why, some luck thing, I think, which is silly because I've got no other superstitions and don't believe in luck as a malleable tangable concept i.e, something that can be manipulated by superstition or ritual.

This has led to me skipping over bin-bags, jumping over bits of the footpath, and at one time even hopping in front of a moving taxi - all to avoid standing on the dreaded hat-trick of access routes in the pavement, which on occasion, I don't see 'till the last minute. Which obviously makes me out to be a right gonad, when no-one knows what I'm doing. Apart from looking like I'm mincing around skipping over nothing like a demented gay mentalist morris dancer.

However, I've noticed that very VERY recently, I've stopped doing this.

After reading some of the cack that you lot do, something must have trigered in my head that realised it's all a total load of complete and utter bollocks. I just don't care any more.
.
So thank you all for making me see the light.

How long until I'm walking along and fall into an open one, now, I wonder . . .
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 16:32, Reply)

Bananas
When I was in basic training in the 80's my section commander refused to let us eat any bananas that when peeled had four sections of skin.
His reasoning behind this was that anyone who puts something with 4 skins into there mouth must be a "bleeding bender".
Even today i still cant peel a banana with more than 3 skins.
(Hammy1801 may have scabies!, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 16:31, 3 replies)

Only remembered this today..
Whenever I'm driving with Mrs Abitsick and/or the kids, I always quote Eric Morecambe when an ambulance with sirens passes.

"He'll never sell any ice creams going that fast"

To the extent now that my 7 year old pre-empts me on seeing/hearing an ambulance by facepalming and telling me to "Go on then!"
( DanGleeballs Moist people don't notice spelling errors..., Tue 20 Dec 2011, 16:03, 1 reply)

I got tha OPP
Yeah - you know me.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 14:40, 3 replies)

FLYING
Does anyone have a flying habits to overcome occasional nerves (I can't be the only one) ?

1. Always go for a window seat
2. Be one of the first to board
3. HAVE to watch the entire takeoff through the window (this need ends once the seatbelt sign is off) and double check that the flaps are down (See Spanair flight 5022 on Wikipedia for further info)
4. Listen to every Captain's announcement
5. Hold onto the seatbelt buckle through turbulence (and revisit rule 3)
6. Watch the entire landing through the window (from seatbelt sign to wheels touching down)

Seems perfectly reasonable when flying but rather silly when I list it here

I might add that in 20+ years of regular flying, only once did I NOT follow rule 3 because I was engrossed in a book ('The Sum Of All Our Fears' by Tom Clancy if you must know) and we had an abandoned take off complete with smoking engine

So there
(sabre32, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 14:40, 21 replies)

I have OCP
or at least I did until the Japs took over and fucked everything up with those robot ninjas.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 14:31, Reply)

I'm dyslexic and have OCD
It's like OCD but all the letters are in the correct order.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 13:54, 2 replies)

Weetabix...
When I was young I always had to have a bowl big enough to fit three whole weetabix lying flat. They would be two lying vertically as you looked into the bowl, with the third lying horizontally across the bottom. No other arrangement would do and on many, many occasions I went without my weetabix because there was either no clean bowl big enough for three, or even worse, only two left in the packet.

I don't do this any more of course. But only because I no longer eat weetabix for breakfast.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 13:47, 1 reply)

I'm not quite sure if it's a ritual, or just being banally anal
but sandwiches should be sliced thuswise according to their contents:

Horizontal slice: Cheese and pickle, Ploughman's, chip butty, crisp butty, bacon and so on. Big manly sandwiches dripping with testosterone. Their purpose is to fill your tummy-box with stodge, so hack a blunt knife through the middle and stuff it in your gaping maw.

Diagonal slice: Smoked salmon and cream cheese, tuna mayo, and fillings like hummus and carrot etc. Basically, anything that you would order if you were feeling a bit fancy, looking to diet or impress someone (if you like to impress people with sandwiches).

Cut into triangles: ONLY ACCEPTABLE AT BOG-STANDARD FUNCTIONS. Office buffets, school fairs, seminars on help desk management, volunteer meetings. If you make one for yourself you look like a sad person whose friends didn't come to the party.

A pox on those who do not comply.
(wavylines ~~~~~~~~~~, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 12:02, 22 replies)

Having sex with supermodels
at least once a week.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 11:57, 1 reply)

speed.
Aligning place mats and settings within a set of imaginary lines dividing the table in triangles.

Converting names into numbers and adding them up. Numbers divisible by 5 are the best.

I've conquered most of this stuff with the liberal application of medicinal speed which sadly I only started at the tender age of 27
(skgorsky, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 11:43, Reply)

On finding a boyfriend's password, not being able to stop myself looking.
Shame really, as I wouldn't have found out I wasn't 'Indian enough' for his sexual leanings.
(wavylines ~~~~~~~~~~, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 11:41, 9 replies)

Is it Thursday yet?

(username failed moderation, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 10:37, 6 replies)

I've got OCD.
It's like that thing only whatever.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 10:09, 11 replies)

i am to be found regularly
reading the contents of Qotw in the some times vain hope that the stuff people write is more exciting and interesting and more illeagle than last time but i come away feeling as though i have been mentaly raped by the constant lies boasts and poor spelling and cuntuation
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 20 Dec 2011, 8:09, 9 replies)

so the goat is spread acoss the stone altar and tethered at both ends while bleating with the wild look in its eyes
we'd already opened the portals to the gates of Nesmith and the pulchritudi upended their vessels to Halloumi while the Telewest chanted the words of the EffAyKyoo in a low sonorous sussuration that reverberated through the googleplex of Flid.

But I can't help cutting West to East when I disembowel the shaven infant glottal click instead of East to Vector additional coordinates. So naturally when the Old One raises his homonunclular diseased corpse head from the Scrotula of Leicestersquare he invariably winks a lot, it's my own damn fault for scoffing a packet of Quavers during the Abdjuration of Cowell (the omifiscient spangle of satan's throssels). All Hail Jamieoliver.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 20 Dec 2011, 0:20, 9 replies)

I constantly find myself checking QOTW, in the vain hope that the question will have changed to something at least faintly interesting..
(anvil, Mon 19 Dec 2011, 22:25, 3 replies)

Talking to newsreaders
I constantly find myself saying good morning, good afternoon etc.. to newsreaders on TV especially on BBC Breakfast. I often sit in bed munching on my toast and drinking tea with Mrs Kenneth doing this. i have to elbow her if she forgets as i'm a stickler for politeness. She often refuses though if its Susanna Reid but curiously not Bill Turnbull hmmmm
(CallmeKenneth, Mon 19 Dec 2011, 18:34, 1 reply)

Forgotten about this
If ever I drive past a close named after a person (councils name them after incredibly unmemorable people, ie Tom Smith Close) I am compelled to say "Where? Where?" and look round wildly.

I used to live near an address named ALan DRive and if ever we drove past another similarly named, I would say to my wife"Wonder if he knows alan drive?" She hated this and it was probably a contributory factor in our subsequent divorce.

Now I've written it down I can see why.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 19 Dec 2011, 16:45, 2 replies)

Whenever I shag your mum/wife/sister
I always have to have a biscuit afterwards.

But only if your dad's left a cup of tea without me noticing.
(anonymousreality tickled your fancy on, Mon 19 Dec 2011, 16:32, 3 replies)

Driving me mad.
Whilst driving I have a habit of adding up all the numbers on the road signs; distances, road numbers etc.

Even on stretches of road that I know well (ie A563, A46, A52,A452,M1, M69 etc) and I know full well what the total is before I get to the sign because I've added up the numbers hundreds of times before I will still do it.
(Barnetboy, Mon 19 Dec 2011, 16:17, 3 replies)

I cannot leave the house until I mention that
a huge proportion of these stories don't involve anything that could be described as borderline OCD and I feel the need to point that out, repeatedly.

Do I win 5 pounds?
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Mon 19 Dec 2011, 15:57, Reply)

Whenever I hear
the ice cream van playing its tune, I have to tell all the children that it means that they have run out of ice cream.
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Mon 19 Dec 2011, 14:54, Reply)

Positive thinking weirdness
Back in my early twenties, I was sent on a 3-day sales training course by my employer. It was one of those naff motivational courses that culminates in you punching your way through a piece of wood.

One of the sessions was based on the power of positive thinking, and the group while standing in a circle were asked to close their eyes and think of the one time in their life they were at their most happiest (to the tune of some specially chosen song by Enya).

The coach then asked us all to perform some kind of ritual or gesture now that our frame of mind was at its most positive. I felt a bit embarrassed, so fractionally opening an eye, I caught a glimpse of what the other guys were doing.

It was all a bit weird frankly. One was hopping up and down, another swinging an imaginary sword, a third crouched down low rocking gently. I decided to clasp my hands behind my head and waggle my elbows in front of my face (think Ross from Friends). I felt like a berk, but satisfied that I wasn't the worst in the room.

Once we had returned to the land of the normal, the coach explained that our chosen gesture would now be forever linked to our personal state of positivity. Should we ever need to gee ourselves up for an important meeting or occasion, we should just crack out the gesture and all would be well.

The thing is, this shit actually works and I've used it on many, many occasions over the years to settle nerves and help prepare for an important pitch.

So if you ever see a bloke in the toilets of your office with his eyes closed, doing some odd chicken impression, please don't call security, just leave him be.
(BinDipper, Mon 19 Dec 2011, 14:34, 10 replies)

I have dug a hole and filled it men's facial hair.
To do so, I used a spade.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 19 Dec 2011, 13:44, 15 replies)

A pearoast...
... I think.

Every moring, the first thing I do when I get out of be is to move the curtain back a bit, have a look outside and see what the weather is like. Every morning, my wife with then ask me "What's it like outside?" and every morning, I will reply "It's big and there's no ceiling"

This has gone on every morning for the last ten years that me and Mrs ScousersPet have lived together.
(ScousersPet, Mon 19 Dec 2011, 12:43, 2 replies)