LUG Radio Competition
The excellently anarchic Linux podcast "LUGRadio" ran a competition to produce a promotional video, poster, whatever, for them to use.

Guess who won with a stupid video featuring hand puppets?

Oh, and since the point is to pimp LUGRadio, here's a word from our sponsors: "Listen to LUGRadio. It's ace." Pity it's dead now.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 17:32, Reply)

I never do the lottery
But I enter the Gadget Show competition every week... Somehow winning that would mean more to me...
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 28 Apr 2011, 17:29, 4 replies)

My mum won a 1 minute trolleydash around Asda for being that store's millionth customer
I was gobsmacked as I thought that sort of thing only happened in the Beano.

She was allowed one person to help her so I volunteered. We were allowed one DVD and one bottle of spirits only (which we selected before the dash began) but we managed to half-fill the trolley with all sorts of great other things including a cake in the shape of Darth Vader.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 17:22, Reply)

Back when video games in pubs were a novelty
I won the steak pie 4 weeks in a row for the highest score on space invaders.
( Ramsay Tupper, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 17:21, Reply)

AND THERE GOES DEREK WARWICK...
In 1995 I won a photographic competition in Top Gear magazine. The brief was to take a motorsport picture without recourse to special access or pit passes or whatever. Fortunately, at the time each round of the British Touring Car Championship was preceded by an autograph session with the drivers, allowing the punters to get close.

At the time, Derek Warwick was big news as he'd just moved from F1 to BTCC to drive for Alfa Romeo, so when the autograph session began, he was besieged by wave upon wave of enthusiastic fans. As yet another group of autograph hunters approached, he briefly showed his exhaustion and I clicked the shutter button, with this result:



My prize was a load of Kodak film and an expenses-paid trip for two to the following year's Monaco Grand Prix. Which was nice.

Apologies for lack of funneh.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Thu 28 Apr 2011, 17:08, 3 replies)

Fat Challenge "win"
Somebody won the weekly image challenge about 'making fat people useful' by implying that fatties are on par with blacks, jews and gays, so you CANNOT mock them.

On b3ta. Where peodophillia, goatse & honda accords waltz with cocks, cunts and jesus.

You hypocritical, touchy bunch of obese twats.
( elgordo, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 17:04, 11 replies)

Why my family don't play board games at Christmas
There's a fair few games that we can't play any more, either because one family member is too good at them, or because in our determination to win we've buggered them up completely.

Scrabble: My mum's a national scrabble champ. Everyone else refuses to play against her because it's "Not fair". When she's not there we have arguments about whether swear words are double points or cheating.

Monopoly: We don't play for three reasons. #1: Half of us consider free parking money to be 'cheating' and the other half think it's essential. #2: The only set we have is an original mint Star Wars one where you build fleets rather than streets. We're not allowed near it. #3: I haven't lost a game against anyone since I was seven. Again, according to my family, this means it's not fair if I play.

Boggle: We don't play since my brother discovered that if you throw the set at someone, it's like a frag grenade.

Poker/Card Games: My sister-in-law was taught by a Vegas pro. Ergo, once again, "Not Fair".

Pass the Pigs: My grandpa in a moment of pure inspiration superglued the pigs into the 'making bacon' pose, got a new set, and palmed the bacon pair to keep getting the 50 points per game. No-one knows where the shagging pigs have ended up since the boggle set got involved, but I'm sure someone will find them at some point.

At the moment we're playing the 'Dictionary Game', which is kinda like Balderdash except you look up words in the dictionary. I think it'll get nixed soon though, as a few disgruntled voices have started to mutter things like, "Yeh, well Sivvus and her mum already know all these words, don't they?" (Although Mum won the other day by convincing my grandma that 'Boing' was the true phonetic word for two rabbits sharing a bong.)
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 17:00, 6 replies)

I did win an argument on the internet this one time though.

( Zuowan, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 16:49, 2 replies)

I once won half a pig in a raffle.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 16:48, 7 replies)

When I was four or five I won a face-pulling competition on stage at a local theatre.
The prize was either an xxl t-shirt or a record. I loved records, I wanted the record, but they gave me the t-shirt. My mum used it as a nightie.
27 years later this is still the only competition I've ever won.
( Zuowan, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 16:48, Reply)

Still winning.
I bought several hundred ounces of Silver bullion in August last year at around $18 per ounce.
Right now it's pushing $50.

Hoping to sell when I have enough for a house, or near enough. If it crashes I'll just buy more.
( underpont making all kinds-a-gains, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 16:38, 24 replies)

Few years ago
I won a competition to go to Marillion's studio for a private gig.
They let the attendees (about 8 of us) pick the songs we wanted played.

Have to say it was really rather splendid.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 16:31, 6 replies)

2000AD competition winner here!
Back in teh day, I won one of Tharg's competitions and he sent me my very own Strontium Dog game for the Commodore 64!

It didn't work.
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 16:29, Reply)

Well
I'm not sure won is the correct answer. "Won" implies that it's something for free, and perhaps even something that you actually want.

A few weeks ago, as the firm at which I work has plants all over the world, including a few in Japan, in light of the earthquakes over there, we decided, or rather it was decided for us to host a 'fund raising day'.

So....to show willing and do my bit, plus the fact that I'm pretty much the only person I know with a PA etc..., I volunteered to host a quiz in the evening. It went quite well, I put a projector up and had picture rounds, song intro rounds, backward music rounds etc...
Of course, the upshot of this was that in the breaks and the answer sessions I had to grab my chance to grab another beer. By the end of it I was pretty much pissed. So much so, that I can't remember how I got home, and I'd pretty much left all my gear in the pub.
...but before that, there was a raffle.
The first ticket out was for a bottle of Scotch, my boss one that one.
The second ticket out was for a gas bbq donated by Homebase. My boss won that one too.
The third ticket out was two rugby tickets to England v Barbarians at Twickenham. Yep. He won those as well.
Of course, by this point everyone was shouting "Fix! Fix!" - as you would.
His response was to auction the rugby tickets there and then.
I wasn't really paying too much attention due to the aforementioned beer, and the fact that I hadn't been asked to buy a ticket as I was busy setting up the quiz when they went round selling them.
One bloke shouts "50 quid!"
...and of course, he's the winning bid...so far.
I was packing up my laptop etc...and I looked around to see MsDchurch standing on a chair waving her arms about in a considerably pissed condition.
I looked at the IT trainee who was helping me and said "What's going on there then?"
He replied, "Your girlfriend has just won the auction."
"For what?"
"Two tickets for a rugby game somewhere" he said, disinterestedly.
"How much for?" I ask, getting a little nervous.
"200 quid I think".

Jesus.

Neither of us even like Rugby.

So did we win? It's debatable.
(dchurch bah, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 16:27, 3 replies)

Yeah, I won all right.
For those who don't know my backstory, a very brief summary: I went back to university in my thirties and got an engineering degree, only to then have the manufacturing facilities in this city start closing up. Two of the major plants that I worked in are completely gone, and the other plants my classmates went to have cut back drastically so there's no work to speak of in this town for engineers. I've been out of work for almost two years now, and have had to do odd jobs on the side such as being a builder's assistant to keep things going. Needless to say, I'm a bit on the bitter side over having spent close to five years of my life, a ton of money and a lot of sweat and tears to obtain a degree that is doing fuck-all for me at the moment until I can move to another city.

I've also finally remarried, to a professor at my old university who teaches social work.

So the Professor and I went to a Christmas function being thrown by some of her students in collaboration with some charities in the area. I've gotten used to the role of faculty spouse, so I knew some of the people there and was able to chat for a bit with the Dean and so on. Typical lame Christmas bash, and I was itching to leave- but we were obligated to stay, at least through the drawing of the door prizes.

I was chatting with one of the professors when I heard my name called out to get a prize. I went up to the stage to accept it and thank the girls handing it to me, and carried it back to where I had been chatting. I opened the box.

It's a brass letter opener engraved with the school's name and the words "Alumni Association" on it.

Great. Just ducky.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 28 Apr 2011, 16:13, 6 replies)

Lego
Many moons ago, there was a Lego competition in Allders (a shopping centre of old) whereby you were to guess the number of bricks in a castle, or similar.
Some time after entering, my mum received a phone call to tell her that her young son had come second in the competition.
First prize was a family holiday to LegoLand in Denmark, and a few hundred quid's worth of Lego.
My second prize was a small yellow model refuse truck. Worth about £5.
Which I already owned.
(i.charlius *Two Ronnies Theme*, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 16:12, Reply)

Has anyone ever won
Macdonalds Monopoly yet?

Surely the odds are stacked in our favour that at least one B3TA'n would Know someone who has won, considering the amount of prizes on offer.

Or is it just one big con to get fat... wait.. what a lovely tie in to last weeks Photocomp?!
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 16:12, 7 replies)

Home Cinematorium
I entered a competition at PLASA one year - entry requirements being to have your badge scanned at the Harman Kardon kiosk.
Chuff me if I wasn't the only person to enter and had delivered to my home about £900 worth of particularly fancy home cinema kit: AV receiver, DVD player, Surround speakers and stands.
Chagrin was in plentiful supply amongst my peers.

The amp broke at one point, but the nice people at HK fixed it for me for free, despite the absence of a receipt or any trace of a purchase.

Win.
(i.charlius *Two Ronnies Theme*, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 16:06, Reply)

I won a lapdance in a raffle
Long story short - while travelling Oz I went for a night out with some of my fellow hostel guests, and ended up in probably Adelaide's only strip club. After paying a small entrance fee we were given raffle tickets, the prize being a lap dance on the main stage.

Guess who's bloody numbers came out of the hat?

In a rush of embarrassment, I declined the prize and one of my travel companions went up instead. Good job too, the girl was a bit agile and I would have probably raised my hands up to shield my face from her huge stilettos wooshing towards my eyes, and been promptly dragged out the back for a kicking by the bouncers.

:o/
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:51, 2 replies)

Recently I came first in the be the first poster on the QOTW competition.
I still haven't received my prize though, odd.
( Peej, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:50, Reply)

Sometimes I win free chocolate from the vending machine at work.
Who am I to say that it's a fault rather than a deliberate decision by the faceless corporate behemoth which operates the machine to grant two Kit-Kats for the price of one?
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:44, Reply)

Back when the biggest TV anyone of my mates had was 21"
We won a massive 28" widescreen TV in a raffle. A few weeks later the company whose raffle it was went bust. It stopped working after another few weeks and we had no receipt or warranty. The manufacturers wouldn't help because we didn't buy it from them and had no proof of how old it was.
( Peej, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:44, Reply)

A few days after I split up with my ex-wife...
...I met a couple of her church buddies for lunch. One of whom spent the whole hour berating me, including the immortal line (delivered complete with Wagging Finger of Truth) "You haven't done all you could to save your marriage, therefore God isn't going to bless your current situation!"

A couple of days later I got a phone call from a chap at Guitarist magazine, who said "Do you remember entering a competition for an ESP guitar? Well you've won! Where would you like it delivered?"

A couple more days later and I was the proud owner of one of these :)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:33, 15 replies)

When I was small
I must have been no older than 7, the school library had a drawing competition for Christmas or Easter or something.
You had to draw a horse.
I traced a mesohippus or something similar from a book, which apparently was against the rules or something, but if you ask me, it was a loophole they failed to close. I mean, technically it was a prehistoric horse not a proper equus ferus caballus.
So, I handed it in. And forgot about it. Weeks or months later (or maybe it was days, I was young and time moved slower), I was informed that I had won a chocolate Santa (or bunny or pirate or something). Result.

Not sure why we were drawing horses for a religious festival, though. Maybe the school librarian was a secret pagan, and we were drawing totems of the celtic horse god for use in magick.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:26, Reply)

I won a complete set of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, c.1968
Well, I say "won", but what I mean is that I was the only one who could be arsed to turn up and collect it, according to the lovely lady who'd listed it on Freecycle.

So it might not have anything of importance from the last 40 years - roughly one-sixth of America's entire history - but it's still a superb reference work and looks impressive on my shelves, too.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:26, Reply)

MatJ reminds me
How me and two mates won the pub quiz, the prize was a gallon of beer. They gave the answers at the end of the night hoping that nobody would claim the prize, because it's a lot of beer to drink, especially as most of the 'teams' were just 2 or 3 people. However, even though we'd all had a skinful by then, we still demanded our prize and downed the lot.

I was sick in the carpark
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:20, 1 reply)

I have won:
1. The Hamlyn New Junior Encyclopedia
As below, in 1974, aged 7:

The theme of the competition was "Safety on the Farm" and I drew someone drowning in a slurry pit. Yummy!

2. A Ferguson Videostar VHS video recorder
Gibbs SR toothpaste (remember them?) ran an on-pack competition in the early 80s where you had to name the owners of the smiles of some contemporary slebs. People like Kenny Everett, Freddie Mercury - piss easy ones with identifiable facial hair, etc. As with most compos back then, there was a tie-break where you had to complete a phrase with something they could use in their ads rather than pay an agency to think something up. in this case, I use Gibbs SR toothpaste because... which I finished off with "...it makes a smile a smile". Gimme a break, I was 14, and it won!!
It was one of the first front-loading VHS recorders, about the size of a Mini Cooper, and it came with Volumes 1 & 2 of The Best of The Kenny Everett Video Show (the one on Thames TV without the canned laughter and with Hot Gossip, which filled my wank bank for most of the rest of the 80s) and it lasted about 20 years.

3. £7,000 cash on the "You Say, We Pay" quiz on Richard and Judy

It would have been more, but I didn't recognise Kirsty Gallagher's photo. I was on the dole, so it all went on paying the mortgage and bills, unfortunately. But it did make the difference between losing and not losing my house, which was nice.

I've also won loads of pub quizzes and stuff - I've been barred (well, asked not to come on quiz nights, anyway) from three because I won too many times and the other punters stopped coming if they thought I was going to be there. Serves the pub right for picking such easy questions.

Yes, I ninja-edited. So sue me.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:20, 4 replies)

Big time gambling
When I was in my early twenties, I was in the odd position of having a job that involved frequent foreign travel, but paid a shitty wage. Hence I would spend lots of time in exotic locations, but hardly had a pot to piss in when I got home.

Circa 1990, I was in Sierra Leone. I met with a Lebanese client, who took me to his 'club' which was actually a hotel with a casino, in Freetown. We went into the casino, and I said I would buy some chips - company money, who cares? The guy says 'No, you are with me, you must take some of mine', and gave me $100 of chips.

Well, as luck would have it I managed to fluke about $450 in winnings at roulette. This to me at the time was a small fortune, so I was pretty fucking pleased with myself, and mentally made plans to buy myself something nice when I got home.

Time to leave, I gathered my chips, and gave them to the guy to go and cash in. They gave him a cheque . . . which went into his breast pocket . . . never to be seen again.

Still pisses me off.
(username failed moderation, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:19, 4 replies)

Well I say I won it
The rollover question in that week's pub quiz was "What was the first object ever to be photographed in colour?". Nobody had got one of these right for ages so there was about £200 in the pot. I knew the answer - it was the photographer's wife's hair ribbon. I wrote "hair ribbon" on the paper. The quizmaster came around. "Wrong. My clipboard says 'tartan ribbon'". No £200.

I found out last week that he's been fired from hosting any further quizzes and barred from a large range of pubs for pocketing the rollover money.

I think this counts as an eventual win for me.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:13, 11 replies)

I won a 3 litre bottle of vodka at a rock club's new year party
Staggering back through town in the early morning of Jan 1st clutching a HUGE bottle of Smirnoff was an interesting experience... I received many, many offers, of all kinds. It's a great way to make new friends, folks!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:11, Reply)