Robert Palmer's Addicted to Love
As a child I was always scandalised when hearing him sing an ode to anal sex:
"My ass will just face it, you're addicted to love"
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 10:39, 2 replies)

Sleep, not shag!
In French, you say 'dormir' to sleep and 'se coucher' to sleep with someone when you politely mean doing the nasty. On a camping site in France, I was asking for clean sheets at reception and i must have been pronouncing 'sheets' or 'pillows' wrong so I tried to explain it was for the place where 'moi et ma copine se couche ensemble' when I should have said 'dormir ensemble'. It took me a while to twig the look on the receptionists face and couldn't even bring myself to apologise. I just laughed awkwardly and toddled off with my shagging equipment.

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 9:12, 4 replies)

Oh, and another one..
Not being even vaguely interested in football, and not one to follow the tabloids' various obsessions, I was laughed at in the pub recently for referring to that Geordie out of Girl's Aloud as "Ashley Cole".
Seemed reasonable to me. Ashley is a girl's name, right?
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 8:35, 2 replies)

I'm not great at anagrams..
and I'd been a fan of the Doors for years before finding out (no great revalatory moment, I read it in a book) that "Mr. Mojo Risin'" (from LA Woman) was an anagram of Jim Morrison.

For fans of Mike Moorcock's work, I also never noticed that "Corum Jhaelen Irsei" was "Jeremiah Cornelius" either.

Duh.
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 8:02, 5 replies)

After finishing the book "Guns Of Navarone"
I went looking in an atlas for the island that it was set on....


Doh!
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 7:13, 1 reply)

While we have few misheard song lyrics
My daughter has informed me that the song is actually something along the lines of "the girl's got a mousetrap heart", and not "the girl's got a new strap-on". I thought it must be my jet damaged hearing, but when I told my wife, she could hear the same.
(M61A1 CUPID- STUNTS, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 7:01, Reply)

Sitting at my ladyfriend's sister's house a few weeks back,
my phone began ringing. Seeing it was my home number, I realised it was my dad, so I answered.

"Hello?"

"Hello, it's me."

"Mmm-hmm?"

"Where are you, are you in the house?"

"Dad, you're phoning me from the house."

".........."
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 1:28, 1 reply)

At the weekend, there,
my friend got the proverbial piss took right out of him as we attempted to get him to serenade us at the karaoke with the song "Alive and kicking" by simple minds.

We didn't want the original version though, no. We wanted his personal version. The one where the lyrics were actually "Allawa-kee-keeeeeee".
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 1:24, 2 replies)

Agadoo
Only last year did I find out the lyrics were not "Agadoo doo doo, push pineapples like a bee"
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 1:18, 3 replies)

our dogs
We used to have two awesome little male dogs when I was growing up. One was a jack russel and the other was a maltese poodle. Occasionally they would mount eachother and attempt to have sex. Not cool when your gran is over for lunch on the terrace. This continued even after they were neutered. The sight of their pink little lipsticks dangling in the breeze while chasing each other round the garden with drool running out their mouths will haunt me forever.

On one particular occasion after another unsuccessful session the maltese wandered off to the corner of the garden and took a shit. He turned around and sniffed his little mess. Satisfied that it was up to his standards he then began to eat it. As I said, awesome dogs.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 0:35, Reply)

Words
Lingerie I always pronounced as linger - e. As in linger by the cranberries, but with an E on the end. Still bugs me when I have to say it the french way because I've been doing it wrong for so long.

I also have trouble with Orgy. Is it oar-gee or oar-jee?
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 0:02, 5 replies)

Sitting all the way through Predators...
What a load of crap
( zulu eh?, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 23:14, 3 replies)

Rolling stone
I got Keith Richards and Mick Jagger mixed up once. that is all.
(sofadweller the hamster had it coming, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 22:26, 2 replies)

Image Challenge got it wrong;
Big ben is a bell, not the tower.
(kitescreech still here, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 22:05, 1 reply)

Rawlplugs
When I moved in with my girlfriend (later to become my wife) she taught me about rawlplugs. Being taught by a lady hurt my masculinity a wee bit but she did have a point. Before that time I had always used nails to attach stuff to brick or concrete walls, usually destroying either the nail or the wall, occasionally both.

Oddly, I never questioned the validity of my approach back in the nails-on-concrete era. I was the Destroyer of Walls.

These days I use rawlplugs.
(spinoza, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 21:58, 7 replies)

Sirs;
With regard to Monocle's (a noble title, though I say so Myself) missive of the 21st of September*, I have this to contribute.

In my Humble, Personal, and really quite shockingly Reactionary opinion, pronouncing 3 as "three" (or more accurately for me, "free", tho' I Deplore this abominably Working Class trait in myself every day that God sends me) is an Archaic Concept known as 'correct'; whereas using it in place of the noble and hardworking vowel E in both writing and speech is Wrong, incredibly Wrong, Wrong to the 33rd degree, Scion of an ancient pedigree of Wrong.

It naturally follows that the rest of the title is be pronounced as individual letters, as attempting to pronounce "b'threeta" on a regular basis would lead to the sort of tongue injuries found in amateur cunnilinguists, and additionally make one sound like a Foreigner of the Worst Sort, if not a 'Trekkie' or other subterranean misfit.

The name of this Venerable Website is Bee Three Tea Ay, sirs, and I will not have it Posited Otherwise on pain of a sounder thrashing than that which your Pathetic and doubtless Liberal fathers clearly neglected to administer when it was most needed.

Yours Fulminatively and heavily Mustachioed, partially inebriated and largely Dyspeptic, Falstaff's Spiritual Successor (retardedired).

*Edited at the request of a certain Knave.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 21:53, 5 replies)

I thought they were wrong. Tale of two sweeties.
I love Dolly Mixtures. They are my favourite sweets from childhood to adulthood, even though they are not very good for you. I now live in the US, where you can't buy Dolly Mixtures. So, when I return home to England I always buy a big bag which I try to make last as long as I can. Now, being a savvy sweetie buyer, I know that there are poor imitation Dolly Mixtures out there, so I'm really careful about the ones I buy; 'cos if I get it wrong I can't just pop around the shops and get a new supply.

I had a holiday back in England and bought my big bag of Dolly Mixtures back with me. I then hid them and promptly forgot about them. A month went by and I suddenly remembered my sweetie hoard. So off I went to have a quick scoff, but oh boy was I disappointed. I thought they were perfect Dolly Mixtures....but I was wrong! These sweetie impostors contained no jellys; not one in the whole big bag.

I was so disgusted, I just couldn't eat any of them. So I marched out to my husband, bag of Dolly Mixtures in hand, and explained my disgust at being so cruelly duped. I then told him he could eat them because they weren't real. My husband went quiet and then looked really guilty. He then explained that he had found my hidden stash and had picked out, and eaten, every single jelly. This was a big bag, it must have taken him ages! Wrong on so many levels.
(Woofie, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 19:50, 5 replies)

highly embarrassing
I have a huge vocabulary but since it's from reading massive amounts, I've never heard a lot of these words pronounced. So one day quite recently coughlastweekcough I claimed someone had been misleading me in the past tense. You know, like mis-lead.
However, I said it just as I had sounded it out in the 2nd grade: "MY zilled". As in "I was myzilled by that misleading movie poster."

I have attained the ancient age of 50 and have 3, soon to be 4 degrees. I fucking teach for a living. My husband and children are not going to let me live this down. They mention it at every opportunity.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 19:30, 8 replies)

No PE
First time anything !

There are condoms available that have a small amount of a numbing agent (benzocaine) on the inside tip area. The logic being that if the love helmet is desensitised then the whole event will last longer.

Anyway, me and the Mrs were using these type of johnnies. Not that I needed them. Ahem.

So one night we got down to the business after a night spent getting lashed in the pub. Compulsory foreplay was soon dealt with before the actual in-and-out stuff began. However, to add to an already de-sensitised bellend, was the seven pints that had been drunk. This had the double effect of further desensitising the already numbing area, and making the bladder full.

After a while of what, for me, was pointless pumping, the Mrs said that I felt a bit strange inside her and really full. I pulled out to find that I was pissing into the condom without realising it. There was not much I could do except grasp the johnny around my shaft and continue the piss. Soon I was stood there with a seriously extended johnny, with a bulbous end full of a pint of piss, swinging between my knees. I tried to take it off but this just casued piss to flow up the shaft all over me and the floor. I had to walk crab style all the way (downstairs) to the toilet and take it off over the bowl. Most of it still ended up on the floor.
(Bitter and Twisted, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 19:16, 53 replies)

Blind spots
We all have em, don't we?

I've come across a wide variety over the years, from teachers that thought rivers ran from the oceans up to the mountains, to telecom engineers that didn't know what Residual Current Devices were (i.e. replacements for fuseboxes).

Perhaps the most concerning though, are the "ughh! man make fire" ones amongst t' youth of today, from the guy who when he saw our real fire place (chimney, grate) said "ooh, how does that work then? Do you just burn stuff on it, paper 'and that?'"... to some mates of ours that we left with all the prerequiste components for said fire whilst they were house sitting for us. These were, firelighters, rolled up newspaper, coal, and logs.


No problem you might think... well, we came back this:


[burnt out firelighter]
-------------------------
[slightly charred log]

And mine? It only recently dawned on me that stars don't actually 'come out' at night.
(Countryslicker, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:01, 1 reply)

funny
that's really funny *clicks*
(court escaper, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:56, 3 replies)

A digitally-enhanced kitten is a surprised kitten...
The other evening, my neighbour's kitten, Doug, strolled in through our kitchen window. He does this a lot and we don't mind - he lives with two rather shouty dogs and likes a bit of peace from time to time.

I was about to go to bed, so thought I'd just give him a bit of a nudge back out of the window. I picked him up, gave him a cuddle and turned him round to face the open window.

He didn't move particularly quickly, so I gave him a little shove. Just at that moment, he lifted his tail inquisitively and turned round to look at me, clearly imploring me to let him stay. As I went to push him out of the window, my thumb accidentally slipped into his little kitteny bumhole. What's worse is that we maintained eye contact throughout.

The combined look of surprise, shame and resignation on his face will haunt me for a while. I suspect the look of alarm, regret and disgust on mine, coupled with the searing pain of something shooting up his arse might have left a lasting impression on him too. He jumped out of the window like, well, like a digitally violated small cat.

I scrubbed my hands for the next 15 minutes and couldn't tell my husband until the next morning about accidentally anally raping an 8-month kitten. Doug hasn't been back since. I suspect I'm on a register somewhere now, when all I wanted to do was politely ask him to leave so that I could get some sleep.

Length? Up to the first knuckle.
(Nunnerfly, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:00, 12 replies)

Be Three Ta do what you want
Only recently did I find out that b3ta is pronounced as beta, I've been calling it Be Three Ta :(

Even though I know it's wrong, you'll always be Be Three Ta to me, beta is a stranger!
(monocle, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:40, 14 replies)

Milk cartons (of the rectangular type typically used for UHT)
I used to actually use that easy open/close plastic pouring bit at the top.

After countless occasions of far more milk ending up on the kitchen top and running down the side of the carton than actually in the cup of coffee, I now ignore the plastic thing and cut a spout in the other side instead.

So I used to do it wrong by doing it right and now do it right by doing it wrong.
( Cloudane, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:25, Reply)

I've seen this behavior in person, sadly.


From here: oglaf.com/human-women/
( Wanderer, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:18, 5 replies)

iPhone4
I released the new iPhone without actually letting anyone hold it before it went on sale. Oops.

Signed

S Jobs.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 15:19, 16 replies)

Not me personally
But I once saw a certain young actor/presenter doing it wrong in more ways than one. The mockney now-has-been was at the time in his pomp, and had been asked to compere a UK launch of Street Fighter 2 (can't remember what version). Libellatiousness prevents me from naming him outright, but you can bet he wasn't PRESS GANGED into it. Wink. Second, more exaggerated wink. Anyhoo, it was a special late-night opening at a popular high street store and an excited crowd had gathered for what was supposedly a party but was really a glorified queue.
The man of the hour turned up late but in a visibly celebratory mood, and headed to a podium thing where he was to introduce the night's festivities (basically a SF2 play-off and an opportunity to buy the game while he shouted about its merits).
After announcing the upcoming Street Fighter challenge, He Who Would Rather Not Not Be Named left the stage... forever! We did see him again though, about one minute later. Two security guards were leading the confused-looking celebrity off the premises, literally by the scruff of the neck (one of the few times I've seen this outside of The Beano), as he babbled impenetrable protestations which sounded like a Mars Attacks martian reciting a Lovecraftian incantation. Alas, the curse of the cockney booze wizard failed to protect him, and his shame-faced more-famous-than-him girlfriend stomped out shortly afterwards, with a face like Eyjafjallajokull on bin day.
What had happened to take our leading man from hero of the hour to idiot of the century? Er, well, he certainly proved he was a big fan of the game. Trouble is he did so by swiping a copy off the shelves and shoving it in his jacket pocket. Given that there are at least three people in these sort of events whose job it is to make sure celebrities get free stuff, and that he ccould have asked for, and received a life-size Optimus Prime constructed fromboxed copies if he had so desired, and that he shoplifted RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SECURITY GUARDS ESCORTING HIM TO THE STAGE, I would definitely have to contend he did something wrong.
Still, a bloke outside sold me a pair of Chun Li's shitted knickers for £200, so I did pretty well out of the whole debacle.
(electricteeth, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 14:37, 12 replies)

The class thicky
well actually the whole year thicky was standing in front of me at the ticket office at Clapham junction.
"How much is a return to Balham?"
"80p" (it was a long time ago)
He didnt have enough so asked about a single.
"70p" (still didn't have enough)
Turns round says "fuck it, I'll walk to balham and just buy the return when I get there. It's only 10p to come back."
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 14:24, Reply)

I was recruited to make a website where people could exchange their dilemmas and offer solutions
It was at the third or fourth meeting where it was pointed out to me that "dilemna" is spelt "dilemma".

All my goddamn fucking life I've been doing that wrong. I thought it was a silent "n".
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 14:17, 3 replies)

Joey Deacon
Until a few months ago (and courtesy of B3tans) I never realised who Joey Deacon actually was. Really I didn't.

I was at school when everyone started belming (usually not at me, though), and I thought Joey Deacon was probably some musician or band or something who just wasn't played on Radio 2 (the permanent background accompaniment at home then).
(Neil_E_There didn't the Aussies used to be good at cricket?, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:46, 7 replies)