Finding a partner.
I quite obviously am doing something wrong in life when it comes to finding my better half.. Finding The One.

Its been nearly 2 years now since any sort of romantic liason. And the last one really wasn't the girl for me. It lasted like 2 months before totally falling apart because we were just totally different and not compatible. Even my friends were like.. hmm you two just dont look right for each other. It was true.

Anyway since then, nothing at all has come my way.
People say, get out more. Go to the bars. You'll meet someone! Well I've done that, I've been out pubbing, clubbing. Chatted to a few girls. Lead to nothing. No connection there.

People say, well the in thing is really the online dating sites especially around here (I'm living abroad). Tried that - even the paid ones. Sent a few messages to people who seemed slightly interesting..
There really wasn't many. The odd one who actually replied are either loved up now because their profile is so old. Or just had nothing to say and once again. Nothing came out of it.

So people say, stop trying too hard. It'll happen.

People say, ah you'll meet someone, you're a nice guy.

Even single girls say, Ah you'll meet someone, you're a nice guy!

I've even took up a new hobby, so have something else to talk about.
I'm even about to take on a huge personal challenge for charity that has had interest and features in the local media.
Still, nothing is coming this way what so ever.

I'm a nice guy. Don't do drugs, don't gamble, don't cheat. Live in a nice place, have a nice car, a career that's going well. I earn decent enough money. Yet, for the last 2 years i've had to endure coming home alone every single day plodding on through life with no purpose or reason what so ever.

The most frustrating part is, I see those around me going in and out of relationships, meeting new people, getting together with them with no problems what so ever. Yet that doesn't seem to happen for me.

Trust me, I don't act desperate. I play it cool. Im not particularly picky about girls. I always see the best, and the cute in people others generally don't. Its not like i'm turning hundreds down. Yeah I turned a couple of proper monsters down. But I aint settling for some fat self confessed schizo with 3 kids and missing teeth.

I am obviously doing something wrong, but I have no idea what it is. There is something in life I am obviously oblivious too when it comes to finding someone. Hitting into the 30s now. If I'm ever going to get married and be a dad I need to find out what it is. Otherwise I'm going to die an old lonely man with no legacy to continue on. My life is pointless.
(Miggyman, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 21:19, 37 replies)

Are you sure you're not a hard light hologram?

( JebediahSpringfield, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 21:29, closed)

haha
Right now I feel like a soft light hologram. Infact I'd be no worse off. (Goes and gets the red jumper)
(Miggyman, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 21:43, closed)

when you find out
let me know please
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 21:32, closed)

and me

(xanthine, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 6:52, closed)

Me too
I'm in exacty the same boat. I have single friends merrily shagging there way around town saying "don't force it, she'll come along. You're a nice guy and shouldn't change" whilst I've not so much kissed a girl in nearly a year and they're rutting away like it's going out of fashion.

Clearly I am doing something wrong.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 7:50, closed)

They probably all think you're gay.
Are you sure they're not right?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 16 Jul 2010, 21:32, closed)

Worry not
Once I thought like you, too. I too was heading towards my twilight years, slumped alone in a house I hated, drinking my endless hours away. I too kept iin mind that it happens when you least expect it.

One night, dimly through an haze brought on by too many miles driving, too many hours working, and possibly one or two of Mr. Carlsberg's finest, I gave up and decided to give up. So I logged onto that damn dating site to delete my profile. Somehow, my highly trained finger slipped, and I found myself viewing a profile I had never seen before. Who on earth would describe themselves like that? Surely this was a dream...?

It wasn't. Pink Goddess is here with me now, five years later. Forever has a meaning now, and now I know what love is. I guess that it happens when you least expect it, but you need to bear in mind that you have to actually not be expecting it. Just thinking that you're not expecting it at that moment doesn't work.

Good luck.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 21:48, closed)

On-line Dating Sites.
When I sent my profile to eHarmony.com they called the police.
(uncle_bud is not the jelly roll king., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 22:08, closed)

As I see it, the problem is that you're too outwardly nice.
In practise, "nice" translates to anything between "probably gay" (at best) to "doormat" (at worst.) It's said to be a desirable quality in long-term partners, but less so in short-term relationships. Maybe you're wearing too much of your heart on your sleeve?

Alternatively you might just be a boring get, in which case you're on your own.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 22:21, closed)

you got the outwardly right
'End of the day, its us that let em walk all over us, and if we do that, they will. Women are users. We can screw a girl for half an hour, but in the end they can screw us for life.'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 11:49, closed)

stop being such a nice guy
women love a bastard
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 22:51, closed)

Sadly that is too true
And then we moan that they are bastards when we split up

meh
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 0:17, closed)

because we secretly know
bastards are better in bed ;)
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 0:47, closed)

ditto that
you need to have a bit of 'git' in you. You can't be too willing or available at a moment's notice. Just enough to keep interest but nice enough that they feel relaxed about you borrowing their motor and not selling their car stereo for a set of decks (that happened to me).
( fluffymitten NAN, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 0:18, closed)

yep
there's nothing worse than a man who behaves like a lapdog. had a boyfriend like that. after years of trying to get him to grow a spine, i dumped him because i was tired of moaning at him to stand up for himself
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 0:49, closed)

I think most girls would disagree
anyone who wants a bastard, is usually then surprised by their bastard-like ways.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 11:47, closed)

very true
we're complicated, us women
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 14:05, closed)

haha
I'm ill-qualified on this subject. I like nice people
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 17:25, closed)

Like in the sixth sense

(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 17:23, closed)

don't give up!
met the love of my life when he joined my guild in warcraft 3 years ago. we're getting married in november. and we're in our 30s too. you really CAN find true love anywhere. it's going to be ok. (just a quick note: friend/guildie of ours recently moved in with a guy she met on gk2gk.com. it's an online dating site for geeks [duh]. if you're on here, maybe you should be on there?) good luck hon.
(fai is rocking khaz modan server as of, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 22:54, closed)

Ok
Give up caring about it.

Have fun doing things you like.

Be honest with people.

You'll meet someone at some point who likes you for who you are. Job done.

If that doesn't work, lower your standards until it does. ;)
(Shippy likes linebreaks and doesn't care what you think, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 0:23, closed)

Furthermore
You have to be happy with yourself first, so sort out whatever issues you have in addition to doing the above.

P.S. Which country? Normally ex-pats fall into one of two camps: totally self-interested fuck-knuckle or interesting determined type, try socalising with the latter.
(Shippy likes linebreaks and doesn't care what you think, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 0:28, closed)

This has to be a troll. Surely to God.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 0:43, closed)

Start gambling, cheating and taking drugs, then.
(plonker, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 10:42, closed)

Perhaps you should go back to underagers, adults clearly find you a bit creepy.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 12:05, closed)

I was going to type a long reply to this...
but then I remembered that Belle De Jour wrote something along the same lines, and she is much better at it than me.

*clears throat*

Belle de Jour's Guide to Women: stereotypes, continued.

This has been discussed at length in many places on the web - not to mention the Guide to Men - but it's worth repeating, because it's gone endemic in a way that puts malaria to shame. Gents, feast your minds on...

Stereotype 3: "Women only like bad boys, never nice guys like me!"

I have some news for the self-professed Nice Guys out there. When I hear the words 'Nice Guy', I think back to the old saying that a gentleman would never dare call himself such.

But surely all women want to be with a nice guy, yes? Exactly. You see, someone advertising himself as a Nice Guy isn't much of a selling point. We’re sort of hoping all the guys we’d like to get naked with are nice. The hooker equivalent would be a call girl advertising herself as alive – a nice thought, yes, but you should take it as read unless advised otherwise. In the great scheme of things, niceness of a potential partner is assumed.

Add to which the observation that most people who would willingly call themselves Nice Guys are, in point of fact, jerks. Only they don't realise it.

Oh, I am familiar with the usual arguments. Some self-professed Nice Guys like to complain (why, some have even made writing careers of this) that women are only attracted to men who treat them badly and are therefore incapable of recognising a good thing when they meet one. And the line is repeated so often it has no real meaning. Methinks the Nice Guy doth protest too much.

Thing is, there are many actual nice guys in this world. My friend A4 is a perfect example of the actually nice sort. He's attractive, smart, kind, and burdened with a crippling shyness that could be the subject of a Smiths song. In practice, he's far too clueless to go around calling himself a 'Nice Guy' to girls he’s interested in, because he sees them as people, not potential marks. On the one hand, you'll never meet a more caring and generous individual. On the other, his inability to press any of his advantages regularly astounds me. But that's just one end of the continuum.

On the other is the canonical Nice Guy, also known as the Underappreciated Martyr. His usual calling cards: uses the word 'genuine' on a dating site ('genuine man'? You don't say? Again, that's something we heterosexual ladies sort of take for granted…); always stays to the end of the night hoping to pick up stray girls; is physically overfamiliar within minutes of meeting.

Nice Guy offers help – with strings attached. They may seem like inconsequential strings, but I assure you, he is tabulating what is ‘owed’ him in his mind. Meet for drinks and he pays? Go to the cinema and he happens to have already bought the tickets? Need a hand moving a few boxes? Before she knows it the woman will feel obliged to go on a number of pseudo-dates on nights she would rather be doing something else, such as scrubbing the bathroom floor. And there will be no polite way out.

In other words, what Nice Guy is hoping to do is wear down a woman’s resistance over time in the hope that she will give in someday – most likely shortly after a breakup, or under the influence of alcohol – and bestow on him a Pity Fuck. And that is the worst sort of male lecherousness. The man who pretends to be a friend but is motivated by nothing more than the desire to get into a woman’s knickers. The man who sees women as objects, not individuals.

A Nice Guy will only establish a friendship with a woman with the intention of cracking on to her eventually. A strong clue is the fact that they generally befriend women far beyond their pulling power. Now, there is nothing wrong with aiming high as such – but Nice Guy’s refusal to consider less desirable women even as friendship material is a strong indication something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

An actual nice guy, on the other hand, sees a woman as a person first. Possibly a person he fancies, but a human nonetheless. Not a blow-up-doll replacement. Not a mark on a bedpost. Not a way to prove something to the ghosts of ex-girlfriends and bullies who belittled him along the way.

Admittedly, distinguishing between Nice Guys and nice guys can be difficult for a novice. So let’s throw out a few scenarios. What would you do? Compare your answers against what an actual nice guy would do, and what the self-centred 'Nice Guy' does:

At a party: Let’s say a woman has had a few too many bevvies, her friends have gone and she does not have enough for a taxi.

A nice guy will: offer a lift or some cash if he can, but if she refuses, won't mention it again. He may ask a mutual friend the next day to check up on her and will leave it at that.

'Nice Guy' will: hand her a tenner for the taxi 'only as long as you meet me for drinks next week’. Or he’ll share the taxi, saying he lives in the same direction, and try to get out at hers.


At work: You’re thrown together on a work project with a single woman who is new to the job.

A nice guy will: be helpful and professional. He might get round to asking for her number at some point in a strictly social setting, but in general, if he fancies her, she’ll be the last to know. If he comments on her appearance at all, it is to helpfully advise that there is still a drop of toothpaste on her cheek right before that important meeting.

'Nice Guy' will: always comment on what she is wearing. Especially if some element of it stinks of the walk of shame (wearing yesterday's clothes, or keeping a change of shoes in her desk). As with the party situation, help on the job will only be given once she agrees to some non-work-related outing. He may propose ‘talking about this over drinks’.


In early conversations: Once you’ve established something in common, you have officially entered the getting-to-know-you period of friendship. Rapport with the woman begins to build.

A nice guy will: tell her interesting things about himself, or be interested in the more unusual aspects of her personality.

'Nice Guy' will: steer the conversation towards relationships. Either hers (the better to put her in a vulnerable position) or his (the better to elicit sympathy).


On a date: Hey, we all have to go out sometime, am I right?

A nice guy will: take her home at a reasonable hour, may kiss her when they part, but will never push beyond the speed at which she is willing to go.

'Nice Guy' will: be 'so caught up' in talking to her that he 'accidentally missed the last bus'. Then will angle for an invitation to sleep on her sofa.


In a relationship: So you’re boyfriend and girlfriend. Now the real challenges arise.

A nice guy will: come around to realising his feelings for her slowly. He values her and doesn't want to mess this up. He wants to know more about her tastes and habits, likes and dislikes before falling in love. Treats her the same in public as he does in private.

'Nice Guy' will: come on strong, move quickly, and throw blame at her if she gets cold feet. He'll jump straight to the L-word, often without knowing much more about her than surface qualities. Is considerably nicer to her when he knows others are watching.


Giving gifts: Whether a holiday or a birthday, ’tis better to both give and receive. Or so you might believe…

A nice guy will: give her something he has observed she likes or needs – or he will ask what she wants. Will not push for more acknowledgment for a gift, nor more in return, than she finds acceptable.

'Nice Guy' will: buy something showy whether she likes it or not. Demands profuse acknowledgment and a token equal in value to what he spent. Preferably straightaway.


When rejected: Yes, the road to true love never did run smooth. Ah well. Sometimes parting ways is best for all involved.

A nice guy will: keep any hurt feelings to himself, but probably avoid her in future. If other people know what happened and it comes up in conversation, he will change the subject.

'Nice Guy' will: get a few insults in on the way out the door, ‘I always fancied your friend Emma anyway!' Will phone everyone she knows after, to ensure his version of events is spread around first.


(Interestingly, there are many similarities between Nice Guy and another type of girl. Let us call her A Relationship Solves Everything, or ARSE for short. This is the sort of woman who, instead of having a breather between relationships to get the measure of what might have gone wrong and why, has a regular boyfriend within nanoseconds of the last one moving out. Instead of addressing her own problems, being paired off is the sole measure of her self-worth. She's interviewing you for a position, not forming a real connection. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you don't want to date someone like this because she makes you wonder if it's you she likes, or just your bank account and ability to fit into a morning suit. Well surprise surprise, women don't like men who make them wonder things like that either.)

Nice Guy is results-orientated. To his mind there is no point to being nice for its own sake. To the Nice Guy, if he has put in the time, he expects his reward. While there are a few things in life that have a guaranteed input-to-result equation, matters of the heart rarely work in this way. A fact which Nice Guy has yet to accept. As he has also failed to appreciate that being a shoulder to cry on specifically with the aim of getting something in return makes him a jerk. Not a friend.

Am I being unfair? Hell yes. Love isn't fair. My advice isn't fair. Life is, in almost every perceptible way, unfair.

But I'm speaking from experience and I tell you this: the one ex who caused the most trouble in my life... the one ex who was the worst liar and cheat I ever met... who tallied up each and every one of my faults and used them as a reason to treat me as less of a person... who was so wrapped up in his sense of entitlement to me, like I was something he owned and my acquiescence was something he was owed... who cosied up to the Daily Fail when it became clear I wasn't going to play his game any more... guess how he would describe himself?

A 'Nice Guy'.

Truth hurts, fellas, and the truth is this. Someone who willingly calls himself a Nice Guy? Isn't. And the women you actually want to get with? Are on to that. Don't blame us. Blame a culture that has made people think misrepresenting themselves is not only undetectable to potential mates, but in fact the best way to get ahead in love. Blame The Rules. Blame The Game. Blame every character ever played by Charlie Sheen. But don't blame women themselves.

Be honest, be real, and most of all, be... nice.

Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself Fucko
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Sat 17 Jul 2010, 14:42, closed)

Nice guys
as above are what the author Christopher Moore cales "Beta Males". Beta as opposed to Alpha, not b3ta.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 23:10, closed)

ouch
Recognised some of my past exploits a bit too much there.

Happily, I also recognised the uncapitalised nice guy with my current GF, especially early on. I was actually a little bit unimpressed on the first few dates, but had nothing else going on so stuck with it, just to see what might happen. We're moving in together next month.

So my advice to the OP is: don't turn anyone down until you've had at least three or four dates with them. You may think you're exercising some kind of quality control, because of some idea in your head about what Miss Right should look/be like. In fact, you're just limiting your options. You may even be doing this to yourself, subconsciously, because at some level you don't deserve to be happy.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 13:38, closed)

Drink
You don't want a woman, you want to sit and get pissed every night. You don't want to pretend to be interested in her constant chatter "He said this, she said that, do you like these shoes, blah, blah, fucking blah", instead, you want to listen to Talksport and hear ex-cricketer Darren Gough's opinion on what's wrong with English football with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. If you get lonely, arrange to meet up with a friend and get pissed somewhere else. Get a cat. Get a hobby e.g. metal detecting. Don't worry about growing old alone, you'll die of cancer, a heart attack or liver failure before retirement age. Enjoy.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 17:29, closed)

Thanks for all your fantastic replies :)
Nice response woo hoo :)
(Miggyman, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 23:03, closed)

I'm twenty two now.
And this is exactly where I see myself when I'm heading into my thirties.


Ho hum. At least I had love once.
(Scritty Bakerman., Sun 18 Jul 2010, 4:02, closed)

This is where I was 6 months ago
I'm in my early 30's. I have a 4 yr old daughter who I spend a lot of time with after getting divorced from a not very nice ex, having "baggage" as single ladies seem to regard my daughter is not a good thing when dating it seems.

Anyway, point is I spent the last 2 years looking and finding unsuitable ladies or finding nothing.

I tried match.com and plenty of fish both of which are full of false leads and nutters.

On a whim early this year I tried that eHarmony site on a free trial as it happens and met my partner who quite frankly is the single most perfectly compatible person I've ever met!

I am simply astounded by the results from their site as I'm sure I'd never have met anyone even half as perfect as she even if I'd spent 10 years on the pubs/friends etc scene.

I know online dating often carries a stigma and there's a lot of dodgy sites looking to take your cash and a lot of timewasters just "browsing" etc but personally I cannot recommend eHarmony highly enough.

If you're really the person you've described give it a go. Perhaps get a friend to read your profile thingy for a bit of feedback but just be yourself and take a chance!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 11:47, closed)

Why being the 'nice' guy isnt working;
'Nice' = boring
'Nice' = neutral
'Nice' = no challenge

Why women dont want the nice guy PT 1
(mobi I completed the Internet on 'hard'. Twice., Mon 19 Jul 2010, 15:13, closed)

? two years ?
Nothing will happen if you sit on the sofa.

Join a club - join many clubs - join any sort of clubs. Practice walking up to woman and staying “Hello”. When in a book shop start up a conversation about nothing and move on. Practice this. Don’t worry about being creepy. You’ve only asked about a book.
Longer conversations with woman - Some of them are dull; but everyone of them as at least one thing you'll find interesting as much as they do. Find out what that is and get them to talk about it. Don’t talk about depressing things like work. Change that subject.

You'll fail a lot. Keep going. You’ve only been wanking full time for 2 years. Forget about that. Fail hard. See how hard you can fail. Then try not to fail. A little bit of fail will not seem that bad after a big fail. Tell them why you are talking to them. Just to find out what happens.
Say “I’ve been on my own for two years and I following the advice of some prick that posted a lot of grammatically incorrect shite on to a message board. Apparently he says if I find a nice woman she’ll talk to me and if a girl if nasty back to me then I didn’t really want to spend time talking to her anyway.”

Don't think about fucking them. You've not talked to enough of them to make that judgement. You’re clueless. The first 200 conversations don’t count.
If they want - they'll fuck you. You don’t have a choice. Move on and do this more. Get to know what you’re looking for If you see a woman across a bar and feel nervous take that as your que to feel compelled to talk to them, like nothing else matters.

Stop all the things you've been doing and try something new.

Ask a female friend if there is anything wrong. Maybe your X is Y and just don’t know it. After two years of wanking your motivation and reason to change your X of Y is easy.

Change your nasal voice with singing lessons – learn to sing – learn to use your voice to talk to people. Learn to listen to people and say the same shite back to them – they like that.

Get confidence, Enjoy a good wank, get out of the house.


There.
(waxdart hello., Mon 19 Jul 2010, 17:07, closed)

Sounds good.
What sort of wages are you offering?
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 0:04, closed)

?

(waxdart hello., Tue 20 Jul 2010, 16:27, closed)

You can't expect any right-thinking folk to do all that shit for free.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 23:59, closed)