Dear Tania,
I think my friend Rob is on crack. He's asked b3tans to write questions to you and *not* take the piss. What signs should I look for, and what should I do?
( SpunkyBackpack, Wed 19 May 2004, 12:57, Reply)

I hired a girl fom an "Escort Service"...
..and we got drunk, and one thing led to another, and you know the rest. My dilemma is what to do with the body? I've already eaten her hands, face, and teeth so it can't be identified? Shall I dump it on the roadside? Stick it in a tree tripper? Bury it in the basement with the others? Thank you.
(Porkfist, Wed 19 May 2004, 14:58, Reply)

When the missus is up on blocks
is it acceptable to demand blowjobs repeatedly, slapping her until she complies with what is, let's face it, a perfectly reasonable request, or is the correct etiquette to stuff one up the brown while she's asleep?
( TV's Nosemonkey, Wed 19 May 2004, 11:48, Reply)

Dear Tania
I have found several corpses in my garden. Obviously I know what to do. My dilemma is this: The blonde or the redhead?
( PopePollo defloculating the soup of the surreal, Wed 19 May 2004, 21:31, Reply)

Dear Auntie Tania
This isn't for me. It's for a friend. That's right. A friend.

As a sufferer of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I am often caught short in the middle of nowhere with an urgent need to squirt rich, brown soup from where the sun doesn't shine. This happens, more often than not, on the long march between work and the railway station where the only place available to a man with a funny walk and a desperate look on his face is The Prince of Wales - a public house noted for its rough clientele and frequent bouts of open warfare with the local community.

Can you advise me of the correct course of action and the proper etiquette on using a pub solely for the toilet facilities, especially when I am painting most of the cubicle what can only be described as Dulux Faded Tan and Peanuts, emerging to face a crowd that possesses a single eyebrow between them?

Or should I just crap through the letterbox of the local Conservative Club to see if I can hit the framed portrait of Maggie Thatcher on the wall opposite?

This dilemma is just making the situation worse and I, I mean my friend, is fast running out of underwear. Please help.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 19 May 2004, 13:52, Reply)

Melon Twister.............
Do I........

Marry my very faithful fiancee at a ridiculously expensive wedding I have already paid for in the Bahamas at the end of June.

Or do I cop off with the 32e chested 18yr old A-level student that is offering it to me on a plate at the moment.

Or do I do both.....

A. Potentially wrecking a very good relationship (if she finds out)

and

B. Binning a girl who is totally besotted with me bang in the middle of her a levels.


Hellppppppp meeeeeeeeeeeeee
(higeldypigeldy, Wed 19 May 2004, 13:18, Reply)

Have a wank now (guaranteed obviously)
or save it for the possibility of a shag later?

It's a tough one, you can always do both but then you won't enjoy the shag as much...
( wingphil, Wed 19 May 2004, 12:30, Reply)

In the days when dial-up was the norm
mate of mine had the following dilema:

Is it wrong that i'm considering moving in with my girlfriend purely becuase she can get cable?
(sleipnir, Wed 19 May 2004, 12:02, Reply)

This has happened to me 4 times now.
Friends girlfriend gets your phone number from your mate "so she can set you up with her sister" and then promptly begins sending you dirty text messages and saying things that make you need to cross your legs in public. She then says that she has to have you and that she never liked your mate much in the first place. Do you:
a) respond in kind with the text messgages/phone calls but not take it any further.
b) tell her that you have too much respect for your mate and that it wont ever happen. Ever.
c) throw caution to the wind and do the dirty on your mate, only to be wracked with guilt and, when she is with him, jealousy.

Spoiler alert!

I chose b,a,a,c (in that order)
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Wed 19 May 2004, 11:55, Reply)

Hmm, here's one
I know that my sister is in fact my half-sister whereas she doesn't... My dad knows that he isn't the father, I've told my brother so he knows, but my mum and her fella don't know that I or my brother know (they've known for a while). What's more I suspect that they're not planning to tell her that she has a severe case of mistaken identity regarding her father (who's the daddy?). And I mean not tell her ever. So, do I tell her or not? Problem is she's got learning difficulties and also there is an impending court case between aforementioned parents with my dad sueing to get all the child support money back from the last couple of years (when they already knew and he didn't). So there's immense potential for family mischief all round if I spill the beans or mention it.

How's about that then boys and girls? I was trying to forget about this whole thing as well... Bah.

Edit: I hope so much that Murphys Law doesn't strike and one of them reads this...
(Watermelon, Wed 19 May 2004, 12:32, Reply)

I love you
My girlfriend and I have been going out for years. Ages... more than 10 years. It's a very stable relationship, we get on well, we've bought somewhere to live and are thinking about children.

I tell her I love her daily and hug her.

What's getting at me deep down is that she's never said "I love you" to me. She's incredibly un-tactile infact. I keep telling myself it's not a big thing, but it really is getting to me.

What do I say to her?
(like I'm going to give my name, Wed 19 May 2004, 13:18, Reply)

YES OR NO:
You could spend the night with the woman of your dreams. Maybe it’s Cameron Diaz or Elle McPherson or someone you know that isn’t famous. Maybe it’s your aunt. It’s up to you. It doesn’t really matter too much who it is, as long as she is The One for you.

Here’s the deal: You get to take her out for the evening to a top notch restaurant. You get as much money as you need to spend. You get to wear a designer suit. You both really enjoy the meal, with some fine wine and you get along famously. You are surprised at how relaxed she is in you company and how you find yourself easily recounting stories, sprinkled with witty remarks. Her conversation compliments yours and she has a happy and intrigued look in her eye.

After the meal you can either head out for a late drink in a bar, and maybe even head for a club after that, or you can take her back to the 5 star penthouse suit (with jacuzzi and free mini bar) that you get as part of this deal. You get chauffeured about in a big black limo. How late you stay out is up to you, but you’ll have a wonderful date, leaving you with a warm feeling, plenty of energy, excitement and anticipation.

Back in the penthouse, you get it on. You can use the jacuzzi together, roll on the rug in front of the fire and/or take full advantage of the massive four poster bed. You get to make deep satisfying love all night long. She is completely satisfied with your magnificent performance and there is nothing that she won’t do. In the early hours of the morning, at the end of the perfect date, you fall soundly asleep in each others arms. When you wake up, she is gone, you have to check out straight away and all that remains is the memory.

And the catch.

Before you leave for the meal, she comes to the penthouse and has a dump. The turd is carefully balanced on a lolly stick and placed into the freezer section of the mini bar. Then you get to leave on your date. No-one in public notices the two of you together. You just blend in like any other couple. You don’t get your picture in the paper, you don’t get any fame for being her new beau. You can never tell anyone about the date. Not even your mum. Not even your best friend. No-one. Ever. But, you do get to have the perfect date and a night of fantastic sex with the woman of your dreams. Now, remember the turd on a stick that’s in the minibar? Well, when you wake up in the morning, you have to eat it. All of it. Probably best to get it down quick, before it starts to defrost.

Do you accept? YES OR NO?

Also, as part of a separate dilemma, like the great Steve Davis often has to face, is it better to go for the tight brown, or the easy pink?
(Grey Triggerfish, Wed 19 May 2004, 17:31, Reply)

Mid-Life CRISIS
Hi,

I've been married for 17 years (since we were 24). Our daughter is doing A Levels and my wife has started her own business.

I'm stuck in a boring 'safe' job with a multi-national financial services company to fund both of the above.

My dilemma is: Do I leave them both, buy a big bike and tour Europe looking for old girlfriends from France and Germany from the early 1980s, or new adventures and lots of sex, or do I carry on here at home, providing a safe environment for my daughter, security for my wife and a pension for my old age?

p.s. One drawback with abondoning my life is that my wife will be able to say "I told you so, I always knew you'd run off with some young woman when I got to 40".

Any ideas....
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 19 May 2004, 14:43, Reply)

Change them..
or turn them inside out and wear them again...
( Weetobix, Wed 19 May 2004, 17:01, Reply)

Steal her back and ruin her life?
I recently lost my garenteed shag in the form of a 30yr old women(fit) with a kid. I'm 23 and a student. We've been at it on and off for nearly a year and the sex is great. However due to circumstances it's always been a secret to others who might have been annoyed that we got together. Namely my karate instructor her ex. We both agreed we weren't exclusive but it never came up.
Anyway lately she met a new fella who seems alright and they're the same age and seem a good couple. I was a bit pissed off he'd stolen my weekly shag but thought this my be a chance for her to settle down and have a proper home for her kid.
So do i steal her back (which i'm half way to doing) and deny her of lasting happiness or do i leave it be and let her have a stable relationship?

Classic case of good and evil conscience.
( cooler_king That's no moon!, Wed 19 May 2004, 14:05, Reply)

i might as well post a serious one now
im crazy about this lass. she is everything i look for in a woman, funny, intelligent, and a cracking set of norks. shes the sort of woman that can walk into a room, and make any man's head turn (i've even seen a few poofs eyeing her up before now)

my problem is, however, that i cant muster up the courage to ask her out. we're really good friends, and both part of the same social group. im constantly worried that if i do ask her out, and she says no, that it would ruin our friendship,a nd then, in turn, cause a bad atmosphere amongst our circle of friends. i've spent a lot of time trying to find friends who i can trust, and feel at ease with, so loosing my friends as well as her would be a major blow to me.

as far as i can see, my options are:

a. ask her out, and just take it as it comes
2. say nothing, and keep feeling miserable
d. do nothing, and continue to drown my sorrows with vodka redbulls

before anyone wonders, YES she is single, and NO shes not 'linked' with anyone else.
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Wed 19 May 2004, 12:06, Reply)

Big problem
I'm planning on conquering the world. What should I use? Death ray, mind control, a flying battleship, an army of undead warriors, or chocloate bunnie rabbits with little bow ties?
(Egret, Wed 19 May 2004, 19:33, Reply)

the new mint card..
i know there's no real reason not to get one, but it's just the shape. Reminds me of an ex boyfriend i'd rather forget. What should i do???
(Genghis_kahn, Wed 19 May 2004, 18:48, Reply)

Piss or not
Do I

A)Get up, get dressed, go downstairs past my brother and his girlfriend snogging to go to the loo...

Or

B)Piss in a pint glass, carefully lowering the willy into the urine as it fills to negate the splash back effect. and then chuck it out the window?


I picked B, but what would YOU do?
(wattoo, Wed 19 May 2004, 18:34, Reply)

British 419 Scam
Nigeria's works minister has given out his Fax and mobile phone number and urged people to use it if they see any pot-holes or have a traffic accident.
Read the story here: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/3725283.stm

Now, my dilema is, should I fax him with a reverse Nigerian 419 scam:

"Forgive me for Faxing you out of the blue, but I am a poor civil servant called "Gordon Brown" , a top official in the Bank of England, who has come into a few Billion pounds by way of a legitimate tax avoidance scheme. All I ask of you is to hold this money in your account for one month and transfer it back to my personal account. I am willing to pay you a holding fee of 10% for your services. I hope you will appreciate that this is most secret, and you will keep this email confidential. I assure you that this is 100% risk free, and you will be helping a poor government worker.
Yours,
Gordon Brown,
Tel: 0141 572 6900 Fax: 0141 572 2566"

I`m sorely tempted.
(crackshot, Wed 19 May 2004, 16:46, Reply)

Daddy
or Chips?
(negative armadillo There never was much hope..just a fool's hope., Wed 19 May 2004, 15:14, Reply)

current quandry
Had intense 3 month relationship with a gorgeous man (Man A) who moved back to his home country. Decided men were all bastards then promptly met & fell head over heels not 2 weeks later with the Man B (who I am still madly in love with 6 months later).
Man A is coming back to visit the uk and wants to meet up for a chat/coffee (not sex) to which I have said yes.
Do I:
A) tell Man B about meeting but lie about who its with?
B) don't bother telling Man B anything
C) tell Man B everything & hope he understands
D) don't meet Man A
(geektastic, Wed 19 May 2004, 12:32, Reply)

Hemorrhoids.
Intense itching in public. What is the etiquette regarding this?
(Small Beer, Wed 19 May 2004, 11:31, Reply)

How to come out
I need to tell everyone I know that I'm gay, but I need to do it in the best way possible. So far, the best I've got is "All those who're straight, step forward. Not so fast there me." Or invite everyone to a place where they find me in a very compramising position. The point is I only get one shot at it and it's got to be a gud'un. Actually, announcing it on the radio would be pretty good.
Bah, most of them have figured it out anyway.
( Whillow, Wed 19 May 2004, 23:11, Reply)

Well this is a weird one... (and a bit Doystoyesvsky length)
and a bit of a bloke-y one too. It's my birthday a week on Monday, and I booked the week off ages ago, wanting to go back to my hometown and see my parents, my brother and sister, my grandparents and my best mate, none of whom I have actually seen in person for months... I had a full itinerary planned for getting the train up to Huddersfield next Sunday, having a meal with my mum, bro and sis, then on the Monday going over to Hull to see my mate, having a birthday-booze up with him as he's got the Monday and Tuesday off, then going back to Hudds to see my dad and grandparents before coming back down here for a barbeque with my friends before they all leave for summer.

Now my favourite football team, Huddersfield Town FC, have thrown a spanner in the works- they've just made the 3rd division play-offs final in Cardiff, which is on my birthday. I'm really happy and want to go, but it would mean I wouldn't have enough time (or money) to go see my family and my best mate as well- I'd just see my brother who'll be going to the match. The next chance I'll get would be in August. I know the game should be on TV but there's no subsitute for being there- however if we lose I'll end up wishing I'd gone ahead with the original plan. Who should come first?
(fourplusone, Wed 19 May 2004, 22:55, Reply)

i just can't decide
I just got a bunch of money from daddy. Should I buy the beemer six-series convertable or an H2. If I buy the hummer, it *has* to be pink so that I can look cute. It's all about looking cute.

Decisions, decisions! What's a girl to do?

Hopefully, daddy will give me more money next month so that I can buy a really kicking soundsystem for the car, whichever one I chose. Then I could play that Justin Timberlake like he's meant to be heard: unnecessarily loud, with the bass hooked up to one of those things that makes your insides feel funny.
(fantastic german, Wed 19 May 2004, 21:57, Reply)

German virus writing rings
Do you

a) stick up for your fellow haX0rs and keep schtum about who released the MS.RAM-Fucker-A worm onto the Internet;

or

b) take Microsoft's £250,000 reward and buy a Ferrari so you might finally score?
(rogerzilla, Wed 19 May 2004, 21:35, Reply)

The Student Dilemma
Make the 25 yard trip down the corridor to the communal toilets, past drunken fellow hallmates who might laugh at your Tigger boxer shorts. Or use the sink in your room.
(rogerzilla, Wed 19 May 2004, 21:30, Reply)

Not really an answer to THE question...
...but an answer to some of the questions that have been posted in answer to the question:


Hemorrhoids.
Intense itching in public. What is the etiquette regarding this?

Buy some cream, it soothes and stops itching. If you're embarrassed to buy it, find a branch of Tesco with self-service checkouts and go at about 3am.

My problem...
Should I spend all of my student loan on DVDs? (Probably a bit late now)

Of course not. You should save at least half of it for BEER

Do some work,
or lurk on b3ta all day?

You have answered your own question here. You do some work, and lurk on b3ta all day, i.e. have your browser open but minimised and read throughout the day, only posting messages occasionally

hmmm
To Revise or not to revise....hmmmmm

It's been scientifically proved (by Scientists and all that), that by NOT revising you do better in exams. The science bit says that those who DO revise, only remember the bits they have revised on

Have a wank now (guaranteed obviously)
or save it for the possibility of a shag later?

It's a tough one, you can always do both but then you won't enjoy the shag as much...

Have the wank now, and enjoy yourself. Later on, if you don't get the shag, you'll be glad you had the wank. Of course if you do get a shag LATER, you will last longer and therefore give your partner more pleasure, therefore increasing your chances of a) a blow job next time, and b) there BEING a next time.

I like horses, best of all the animals.
But I also like custard, best of all the warm yellow stuff for putting on puddings.

What should I do?

Book yourself a ticket to France, where they EAT horse meat. Complain loudly in English about how cruel it is, then eat some custard that you made earlier. Custard in French is "Sauce Angliase" or "English Sauce". 100% of fact.

I promise next time I will post my own REAL answer to the question, in other words a QUESTION...
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Wed 19 May 2004, 19:57, Reply)

Do some work,
or lurk on b3ta all day?
(Steve - AKA: Steve, Wed 19 May 2004, 12:15, Reply)