Just found out a colleage died of cancer last night :(
therefore I need cheering up. Tell me a joke. Not crap ones.
Now.
GO!
(empty_personality, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:26, archived)

I offer my sympathy.

( Damion International - now taking orders., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:27, archived)

lol, I get it

( TY&GN, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:27, archived)

pffft
my condolences

you cunt
( WormuIus, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:28, archived)

You want symapthy? Go look it up, it's in the dictionairy, somewhere between shit and syphilis.
I love that expression.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:37, archived)

my uncle has been told he has 12 months to live.
he's nearly 80, so i think he's done alright.
( sleepybinky, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:42, archived)

i think it made my dad sad though.
it would mean both of his brothers died of cancer, probably before him.
( sleepybinky, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:42, archived)

What's the most difficult thing about being a pædophile?
Not fitting in at school
( WormuIus, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:27, archived)

Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
Because turtles have tiny ears.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:28, archived)

you've told that one before
and it sucked then
( WormuIus, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:28, archived)

I'll try again, and see if it's any better.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:29, archived)

Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
Because turtles have tiny ears.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:30, archived)

Any joy?

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:30, archived)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA

(empty_personality, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:31, archived)

lolololtitterpfftrofl

( broadsword now that's fresh, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:38, archived)

Ah that's nasty :(
A colleague of mine died really suddenly of a heart attack earlier this year.
*hugs*
(Psycho Eyes, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:28, archived)

I don't get it

( WormuIus, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:28, archived)

I do
You're missing out
( TY&GN, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:29, archived)

Ok it wasn't a joke.
I'm no good at being funny :(
(Psycho Eyes, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:29, archived)

SHE WAS ONLY 34 :(

(empty_personality, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:30, archived)

That's such a shame :(

(Psycho Eyes, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:31, archived)

when I was working in a supermarket it a few people I knew died.
Most memorable was a woman I worked with who had an epileptic fit and drowned in a pool.

A few weeks ago a client got run over by a car and killed. but I didnt like him.
( Damion International - now taking orders., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:32, archived)

My hamster died once
it was just as sad as that!
(empty_personality, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:34, archived)

When I worked in Woolworths
one guy I worked with hung himself. It turned out he'd been under suspicion of stealing from the store room and had been suspended.

He sent his wife and kids off to town and then hung himself in the shed. His wife found him.

edit: yeah, I hadn't thought that through...

It was sad though, the massive robbing twat.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:35, archived)

Hanged himself, actually.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:36, archived)

He was well hanged

( broadsword now that's fresh, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:39, archived)

maybe he misunderstood suspension

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:38, archived)

Suspended eh?

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:38, archived)

he he
"suspended"
( Hankster, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:41, archived)

Am I too late to join in with the suspended gags?

( broadsword now that's fresh, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:41, archived)

Only if you'd hung on for a bit longer.

b_BbbbBbRr_RRr^ooOoOO^aadDDdddD^DDDDDdsssSsSSSsSsWWWWWwwooOo_r^rRRrddDdd^!!!!!!!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:43, archived)

Ning
_SssSSsssS_SSssstt^TTtTtTTTuuUuUu^uUjjj!!^!!!^{!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}
( broadsword now that's fresh, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:45, archived)

How do you make a snooker table laugh?





Put your hand in it's pocket and tickle it's balls.
( Cactus 1 doesn't care what you think on, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:29, archived)

A horse walks into a bar
the barman says "Why the long face?"
The horse says "I've got horse cancer"
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:29, archived)

But a horse wouldn't call it "horse cancer."
That's like you saying you have "human AIDS."
And horses can't talk because they're stupid.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:31, archived)

That one off Sex & the City seems to manage.

( Cactus 1 doesn't care what you think on, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:32, archived)

I wish she'd stop bringing her husband here to kill people.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:34, archived)

LOLTHAT HAPPENED 21 YEARS AGO LOL!
I love your topical humour sir, ;)
( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:45, archived)

It was only a couple of years back.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:48, archived)

are we talking SJP ?
I dont see how people think she is attractive.
( turb0t, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:36, archived)

They don't.
All her fans are women, who look at her and think "Wow, she gets away with being a celebrity even though she hasn't had a decent gig since Mr Ed, maybe I too could be a star."
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:37, archived)

A Sarah Jessia Parker walks into a bar
the barman says "Why the long face?"
Sarah Jessica Parker says nothing.

She's too busy clopping her hooves, trying to work out how much change she's got to get a pint.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:32, archived)

FWORRR
she's hot.
(empty_personality, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:33, archived)

She has a face like a foot

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:34, archived)

I have a foot fetish

(empty_personality, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:34, archived)

There was a tower block
On the fifth floor was a family of Pakis
On the forth floor were Englishmen
On the third floor were Kosovans
On the second floor were Iraqis
On the first floor were Somalians

The building collapses one day during the week. Who survives?

The Englishmen - they were at work
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:29, archived)

LOLRACISM
LOLPAKIS
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:30, archived)

LOL I'M A MASSIVE RACIST
I just heard the joke t'other night
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:31, archived)

TUNED INTO 1975?

(empty_personality, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:32, archived)

Don't know how old YOU are mate
But I wasn't hearing jokes, or anything else for that matter, in 1975
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:34, archived)

I have a tardis
and I was born in the last 3rd of 10975
(empty_personality, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:35, archived)

Yeah
but there's no need to repeat it, to be honest.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:32, archived)

Well my sincere apologies if I offended anybody
But I assumed I was on b3ta
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:34, archived)

Is Bernard Manning's ghost on the air these days?

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:34, archived)

Doesn't work.
Of that lot it's the English who'd most likely be dolescum.
Are you some sort of BNP moron?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:31, archived)

Only cos those DIRTY FORRIN IMMAGRINTS BE STEELIN OUR JORBS!
THEY TOOK OUR JURBS!
( Theoban What of it, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:32, archived)

They're not stealing anybody's job.
They're doing jobs that the natives won't do for the pittance they get.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:33, archived)

DEY TUK OUR JURBS!!!!!!!!
(You're right of course, they're not 'taking' our jobs. They're 'doing' them.)
( Theoban What of it, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:35, archived)

They're taking unwanted jobs.
The kind of jobs that are up in the jobcentres for months with no takers. You work abroad yourself do you not?
Where is the problem?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:38, archived)

...
I was quoting the dumb rednecks from South Park.....


youtube.com/watch?v=HKd6kSDcaYQ
( Theoban What of it, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:39, archived)

Sorry, it's still quite early here and I've not had my Irn Bru to wake me up yet.
I should have recognised it.
:)
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:42, archived)

No worries chief
:)
( Theoban What of it, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:44, archived)

Yep. Signed up to the BNP. I'm just on my way out actually
I need to stand outside Parliament with a massive sign saying 'Foreigners out'
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:32, archived)

at work in the dole queue
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:31, archived)

Or that one

( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:31, archived)

Wow, you actually called them Pakis and not Pakistanis.

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:34, archived)

They should be called Paks
The same as we're Britons, Scottish people are Scots, and stuff
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:36, archived)

How are any of those the same?

( Newington, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:37, archived)

Oh yeah. Just like people from Switzerland, France, Iraq, Serbia, Peru and so forth.
You dizzy mare.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:38, archived)

+ holland yes.
IT'S ALL THE SAME
( sleepybinky, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:41, archived)

Switz's, Franc's, Serbs... See.

( TY&GN, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:42, archived)

Serbs is right.

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:44, archived)

Paki's is no worse than yanks or limeys
or chinks.
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:38, archived)

And?

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:39, archived)

I've not heard one person mention offense when I say I'm going for a chinkies

( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:40, archived)

Then you clearly associate with racists.

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:40, archived)

No
Nor am I racist myself.

People should stop jumping down the throats of people who are 'racist' and 'assuming', when they're just assuming they're racist anyway. Pfft.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:44, archived)

If you don't find anything wrong with using the words 'pakis' or 'chinks'
you're a racist. That's all there is to it.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:46, archived)

I'll call the corner shop the paki shop if I want to
And the chinese takeaway the chinkeys. It doesn't mean I'm racist.
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:41, archived)

It does mean that you're a narrow-minded education-fearing twat, though.

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:42, archived)

Just like you're a narrow minded politicially correct pedant
:P
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:43, archived)

Yeah, Runk. Broaden your mind to racist slurs.

( Newington, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:45, archived)

I don't see whats racist about it
Paki's is simply an abbreviation of Pakistani. What the fuck is racist about an abbreviation?
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:47, archived)

It's not simply an abbreviation of Pakistani, though, is it?
The meaning, history and connotations of a word are not the same as its etymology.

I can understand that someone ignorant might use it without knowing it was offensive, since Afghanis come from Afghanistan and so on, but there's no excuse for growing up in this country not learning it's a hate-filled term. And let's not forget that it was being used as part of a joke implying that they're all lazy scroungers roffle.
( Newington, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:50, archived)

I wasn't brought up to be racist
But I was brought up calling my local newsagent the 'paki shop', simply as a slang term. In fact I got on with the owners of that shop pretty well.

I don't know any pakistani's personally, but I am good friends with Indian and Bangladeshis and if I were to meet a pakistani I would not hold any prejudice against them.
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:55, archived)

Ever call it the paki shop in front of the owners?

( Newington, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:57, archived)

I can't imagine a situation where I would
Most of the time it was just things like.. "We're out of milk, is the paki shop still open?".

I don't say that anymore, and just because I used it as a kid doesn't mean I was racist.
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:02, archived)

no, it means you didn't know better.
now you do. If you were to use it now, it would be racist.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:04, archived)

Oh fair enough
Can I still say i'm going for a chinkies without everyone wobbling?
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:06, archived)

I'm not wobbling
Just find such a level of ignorance and prejudice astonishing in the 21st century.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:07, archived)

Predjudice?
Isn't it prejudiced to assume that someone who has used the word 'paki' is an ignorant, narrow-minded racist?
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:10, archived)

No, it's entirely reasonable.

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:12, archived)

In that case
I had better introduce you to my Indian, Bangladeshi, Japanese, Nigerian, South African and Greek friends. And you can ask them if I have ever pre-judged them based on their ethnicity.
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:15, archived)

What about
All the Pakistani cricket fans who go to matches with big banners reading "Paki Power?"
( Lord Gnome, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:15, archived)

That's a racist term in my eyes

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:08, archived)

because of the connotations and the usage history.
for fucks sake, is it so hard to understand? It's been used for hundreds of years as a derogatory term. It's racist. that's all there is to it.

/tried really hard to stay out of this one..
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:51, archived)

It's not an abbreviation.
If you were ever to abbreviate Pakistani, it would be to pak. (it gets a full stop because when an abbreviation ends in a different letter to the full word, you put a full stop, but that's by the by). Paki is an offensive term. Do you understand?
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:52, archived)

Its not like I go around calling all coloured people paki's or anything
In fact I can't actually remember the last time I used the word.

I just dislike the fact that people automatically assume you are an ignorant racist if you use that word, even if it is spoken in an entirely unoffensive context.
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:59, archived)

Give me an example of an inoffensive context
using the word 'paki'. Go on, I dare you. I'll shoot you down in flames without even trying.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:02, archived)

"We're out of milk. Is the paki shop still open?"
*dons flame retardant overalls*
( shitshitshitshit x_x, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:03, archived)

It's offensive because
PAKI IS AN OFFENSIVE TERM.


BURN.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 15:05, archived)

I don't think yank or limey is offensive, unless you try.
If I misjudged it and offended a cheeseburger-scoffing gun-toting would-be-speaking-Japanese-if-it-weren't-for-us Colonial lardarse, though, I'd apologise sooner than whinge about it.
( Newington, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:43, archived)

They is well worse.
They is islam.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:40, archived)

She probely ment someone from india.
She's such a MASSIVE racist.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:43, archived)

That's pretty fucking low.

( Newington, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:38, archived)

Oi, Polski, Jobski, chop chopski......etc etc.
My grand-dad used to say that an englishman would die for his country, but he won't work for it.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:40, archived)

what's Jean-Luc Picard's favourite cake?
Battenborg.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:31, archived)

LOL
*hug* hello
( Damion International - now taking orders., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:34, archived)

hello

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:41, archived)

That's terrible :(
A guy walks into a bar. "Ow".
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:34, archived)

A midget walks under a bar
...
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:35, archived)

what do you call a dog with a policeman's helmet on?
PC Doghat
( Barry Chuckle III - the troll with a soul., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:34, archived)

ha ha ha ha ha
Office lol :D
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:36, archived)

where does PC Doghat do his science experiments?
In the labradortory!
( Barry Chuckle III - the troll with a soul., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:40, archived)

:D
You're winning today.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:43, archived)

sadly those are all i have
PC Doghat is masterful.
( Barry Chuckle III - the troll with a soul., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:49, archived)

I don't know why I laughed,
But I did :D
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:36, archived)

*laughing at nonsense fives*

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:37, archived)

Stop pating my belly you silly shorty!
*spins you around in circles*
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:40, archived)

this makes me smile

( Barry Chuckle III - the troll with a soul., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:40, archived)

how many why did the chicken change the light bulb?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:35, archived)

Because he was a fish
/eddie izzard dream.
(empty_personality, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:37, archived)

They say time is a great healer...


Y'know, unless you have Cancer.
( rob, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:36, archived)

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gave her one

( Cactus 1 doesn't care what you think on, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:38, archived)

you have my sympathies
but I have no decent jokes, sorry
(Dangermouse., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:38, archived)

What's Fonzy's favourite baked good?
Soufflaaaaaaaaaaay.
( Newington, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:39, archived)

Pfft

( broadsword now that's fresh, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:43, archived)