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BOLLOCKS!
BOLLOCKS #1
My ex-wife phoned me just now. She was drunk, which I think at 9:15am is a new record even for her. She was screaming at me as my daughter will not speak to her as she got pissed and went walkabout when she was supposed to be babysitting. Then she had the front to ask me to loan her £5000. I told her to go down to the docks and sell that yawning horse of a fanny of hers at a pound a go. That went down well.
BOLLOCKS #2
I just got settled into work and I got another phone call telling me they sent the wrong batch and I’ve now got to go to that London to pick up the right one. Cunts.
BOLLOCKS #3
I was one of the 27,000 people who reported a GATSO camera being triggered by traffic speeding in the opposite direction. As a thank you for reporting this, I have to do a speed awareness course as it registered me doing 32MPH in a 30MPH zone. (I have to take a day off work, and pay £60 for the privilege)

Enough bollocks for now. What are you people doing today? Please feel free to use this thread to vent your spleen at any bollocks that you may have encountered.
(I helped save b3ta! Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Wed 13 May 2009, 9:36, archived)
Feeling a bit bad for you
working and being hungry.
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:37, archived)
We need 250ccs of sushi, stat

(I helped save b3ta! Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:38, archived)
Om nom nom nom.

(I helped save b3ta! Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:39, archived)
Ths is special, extra-fresh sushi. fish is still alive when you eat it.

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:40, archived)
Sushi != raw fish
Some sushi does have raw fish, but not all of it.

Sashimi on the other hand.
(I helped save b3ta! Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:42, archived)
ym has raw fish

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:44, archived)
Give it to us raw and wrwrwrwrwriggling.

(I helped save b3ta! Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:43, archived)
you keep nasty chips

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:44, archived)
How does Wednesday find you?

(I helped save b3ta! Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:45, archived)
It never rains...

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:53, archived)
Clunge? Sandwiches? Work?

(I helped save b3ta! Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:54, archived)
250cc Sushi?
We've already done a motorbike thread.
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:48, archived)
SPAM SPAM SPAM
Any Manchester based b3tards fancy getting several grands worth of education for free?

3 day course - Gaz me for details.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:37, archived)
Also
I laugh at your horrible misfortunes.
You deserve it for being so old and for being mean to Piston.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:38, archived)
is the education in amonia chillers?

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:42, archived)
Have you opened your own online university?
Send fees now for a lolBsc and a lolBa
(I helped save b3ta! Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:43, archived)
Yes.

(I helped save b3ta! RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:46, archived)
Depends what sort of education we're talking about.

(I helped save b3ta! Mu Dinofiddler, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:54, archived)
he'll educate you in the ways...
of love
(It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday! manolith hooray for me, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:59, archived)
Yeah, I know the kind of "free educations" doled out in Manchesters back streets.

(I helped save b3ta! Mu Dinofiddler, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:00, archived)
Mediation Training

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:29, archived)
BOLLOCKS!
The world.
(BombayMick Dogs are better than cats, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:38, archived)
eurgh
that's a whole lot of shit for one morning. Sorry mate :(
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:38, archived)
That song with the lyrics 'your eyes are the size of the moon' is on
and all I can think of is Friz.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:39, archived)
pfft
I like that song, you bastard. I like to sing it loudly in the car.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:40, archived)
You're always thinking of me, no matter what the circumstance

(__, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:40, archived)
I wish you appeared like this every time I thought of you.
I can remember when I saw your shit jokes and memey attention seeking as being a threat to my dominance of their dark arts.

Now I see you as a comrade.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:42, archived)
It's the keyboard playing, isn't it?
It impresses all the ladies.
(__, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:45, archived)
It's your posts on /board that keep me on side.

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:54, archived)
I'm writing my essay this morning, then lunching with my friend, then I have my first formal final exam, then a department leaving party
for final year students, then my friend's birthday party. I'd really rather just go back to bed.
(I helped save b3ta! LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Wed 13 May 2009, 9:39, archived)
That's all very shit.
Have a hug.

*hug*

I had to be taken to hospital yesterday. I was wheeled out of work on a wheelchair, with oxygen masks and nebulisers and looking like a really shit Darth Vader. I was mortified. That was pretty shit.
(I helped save b3ta! Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Wed 13 May 2009, 9:40, archived)
blimey!
are you ok now? Was it asthma-related?
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:41, archived)
It was unnghgghghhhnnnnrrrr related.

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:43, archived)
Yup. I had chest x-rays and everything.
They've ruled out everything very horrible, and are fairly convinced that it is very bad hayfever. I'm at home now with yet MOAR steroids, recommendations for anti-histamines and local honey, and I have to go and get all my meds changed at the asthma clinic as they did precisely Fuck All yesterday.
(I helped save b3ta! Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Wed 13 May 2009, 9:43, archived)
wow, that is impressively shit
Hope you feel better soon hun x
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:45, archived)
On the plus side you get to eat honey.

(I helped save b3ta! Mu Dinofiddler, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:59, archived)
you big mong.
*sympathy*
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:41, archived)
I'm ready for the knackers yard.

(I helped save b3ta! Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Wed 13 May 2009, 9:44, archived)
more like the knockers yard
ahahahahatits
(It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday! manolith hooray for me, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:02, archived)
I'm so horny right now

(__, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:42, archived)
Oof! Hope you're OK.
I was dragged in to horsepiddle the other week in an ambilumpse. It is not funny at all.
(I helped save b3ta! Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Wed 13 May 2009, 9:43, archived)
No, but if you are a girl the ambulance men flirt with you to cheer you up.

(I helped save b3ta! Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Wed 13 May 2009, 9:45, archived)
I flirted with the nurses the *counts* three times I've ended up in hospital.
They're actually quite receptive, the dirty trollops.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:52, archived)
Badger is such a slag.

(I helped save b3ta! Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Wed 13 May 2009, 9:54, archived)
Me, after turning up in a Slovenian hospital with a suspected broken rib: Hello
Lovely and very attractive Slovenian nurse: You're drunk.
Me, clambering for something terribly witty and charmingly British to say:...Yes. Yes I am...
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:57, archived)
Clambering?

(I helped save b3ta! L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Wed 13 May 2009, 9:59, archived)
You know
reaching out, trying to grab onto something, like a plant. A clambering plant.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:01, archived)
I don't like this use of the word.
It means climbing, not trying or reaching out.
(I helped save b3ta! L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Wed 13 May 2009, 10:06, archived)
I, like most words in my lexicon thought to be used in a dubious manner,
am going to put this down to DIALECT.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:07, archived)
I'll agree with the spirit of that, but
since the parenthesis does not agree with the rest of your sentence, I'll do it with a raised eyebrow.
(I helped save b3ta! L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Wed 13 May 2009, 10:13, archived)
I just re-read that and agree with you.
I've gone and confused the subject with the object.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:14, archived)
Or it's got confused with you...

(I helped save b3ta! L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Wed 13 May 2009, 10:16, archived)
smoo oooth

(It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday! manolith hooray for me, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:01, archived)

something terribly witty and charmingly British to say her tits
(I helped save b3ta! RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:05, archived)
Well, this too.

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:10, archived)
Good lord, lady.
Be well, it's apparently brilliant.
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:46, archived)
I'm going to be well for the 30th May. Yes I fucking AM.

(I helped save b3ta! Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Wed 13 May 2009, 9:49, archived)
I sincerely hope so
I can just tell I'm going to have a dicky tummy for the meet. I can feel it in my waters.
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:50, archived)
*pointing finger of great justice*
YOU SHALL BE THERE
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:51, archived)
Nothing's stopping me from making it, promise.
I'm importing b3tans from Germany, I have to!
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:53, archived)
Oh you poor love.
*gentle cuddles*
(I helped save b3ta! LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Wed 13 May 2009, 9:47, archived)
Rules are rules
32mph is breaking the law, I'd have you in chains for that
(I helped save b3ta! Gooch Is neither here nor there, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:44, archived)
Meh.
I'm getting properly fucked over in court tomorrow for speeding. Try going quicker. they like it much more*


*disclaimer. they may, in fact, not like it much more at all. they may try and shaft you back to the dark ages
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:46, archived)
i'll sit here for a bit, then go over there, then maybe have some lunch, then do something else, then go home, and sit there for a while, then i might lay in my bed for several hours

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:47, archived)
I was told when i was learning to drive that you got 10% grace regards to speed limits, to counter for inaccuracies in speedometer.
ie, you wouldn't get done in a 30mph area unless you were doing over 33mph.

Is this bollocks?
(I helped save b3ta! RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:48, archived)
I thought this too, to be honest

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:49, archived)
It's not bollocks.
But it's not a legal defence. Your speedo is allowed to be 10% inaccurate and it always reads 10% over, pretty much (except my MG which reads 25% under but that's another story)

therefore, to be sure you are doing less than 30, you should drive with the speedo on 27. That's the legal counter-argument.

having said that, police guidlines are 10% plus 3 mph. so 36 in a 30, 47 in a 40, 80 in a 70. But that doesn't mean they can't do you for doing less than that.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:53, archived)
To be honest though, why you'd need to do anywhere near 30 in a 30 zone is beyond me.

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:56, archived)
Are you saying you don't need to go as fast, or that you should go faster?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:58, archived)
All speed limit signs should be
X x 1010
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:00, archived)
do you mean slower or faster?
if you mean slower, because out of THAT LONDON (yes there are places you know) most 30s are small villages and are a complete waste of time. 20 years ago I was caught doing 49 in a 30 on the edge of a little village in Staffordshire. Nowadays you might get banned for that, regardless of context. Then I was let off because, and I quote Her Majesty's Constabulary "It's the most stupid 30 zone in the county, but we have to police it because the rich locals complain unless it's them speeding. Have a nice day"

Context is the problem. We broadly apply speed limits and then enforce them for revenue, not safety reasons. It's stupid, pathetic and counter-productive in safety stakes.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:01, archived)
Never mind THAT LONDON
I gave up driving when I got here. I drove around small East Yorkshire villages, and it was a bugger to drive safely past 20.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:03, archived)
that's because half of them have never seen a car before

(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:05, archived)
There is this.
When buses drive around Barnsley, the locals come out and punch it because they think it's a big metal cow.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:11, archived)
Used to be.
The fines used to go to the Safety Camera Partnership, or the local constabulary or something, so if they were feeling a bit poor, they'd bang out a few extra fines. Now it's retained by central government, so should be a bit better. That's the theory anyway.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:55, archived)
I got caught by a speed camera twice on the same road.
But here's the thing: they caught me once, and fined me. However, they didn't even give it enough time for the notification to get to me before they got me again, so instead of me going 'Ooops, three points and seventy quid, I've learnt my lesson', I went 'Cunts. No wonder nobody likes these bastard things. I'm now on six points and a hundred and forty quid (about three days' wages for me then) down'.

Fucking cunts.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:51, archived)
cunts.
I'll probably get a four-figure fine in court tomorrow. I notice Michael Essien was only fined £1,500 for drink-driving recently. by that logic and based on income and relative seriousness of offence, I should be fined about 11p. Likelihood of that happening, do you think?
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:05, archived)
Whatever, you fancy-dan research scientists with your playboy lifestyles and outrageous incomes.
Deserve everything you get.
(I helped save b3ta! RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:14, archived)