b3ta.com board
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Messageboard » XXX » Message 9634106 (Thread)

# Hello all.

I'm writing a best man speech at the moment. It's not easy.

There's a bigger version on my blog.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 12:57, archived)
# i do love your drawing style!
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 12:58, archived)
# i hope gel was used.
(I helped save b3ta! Dr Scunner She’s a he, technically, but she’s scalding hot, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:00, archived)
# hahahahahahhahahaha! office-lols and a *click*
Will we ever see Mr 'Tea-fingers again?
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:01, archived)
# just be sure to mention how many people the bride has slept with/sucked off etc etc
imply that you have been one of them along with other ushers, the entire pub darts team etc
(I helped save b3ta! Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:01, archived)
# Ah yes - the all important 'getting the tone right' quandary.
Too clean and you're boring, too mucky and... well... wouldn't want that.
(I helped save b3ta! barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:02, archived)
# Her on the left
has a mouth like a blow up doll that i have never used, honest.
(I helped save b3ta! charlie brown doesn't have a dog but still enjoys shitbagging, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:02, archived)
# what does the mouth look like on the one you did use?
(I helped save b3ta! Jorvic, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:08, archived)
# Fucked
(I helped save b3ta! charlie brown doesn't have a dog but still enjoys shitbagging, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:13, archived)
# touche!
(I helped save b3ta! Jorvic, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:15, archived)
# use the following as an opening gambit:
"I think you'll agree today has been a very emotional day for one and all... As you can see, even the cake is in tiers"

/veteran best man, 3 tours of duty - works a treat every time

and good luck with it fella - top image as well :)

(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:02, archived)
# I love that one
I seem to remember you posting it here before. It's firmly filed away under 'must use next time I get asked to be BM'.

Not sure about the eating like a rabbit one though ;)
(I helped save b3ta! barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:05, archived)
# BM...
BridesMaid ;P
(I helped save b3ta! PointlessCamel Last one on drugs is a queer., Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:05, archived)
# Either, TBH
(I helped save b3ta! barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:07, archived)
# hahaha, the first time I used that, (the eat like a rabbit one) there were lots of 'pfffffts' around the room
promptly followed by lots of men going 'owww' as their wives kicked them in the shins under the table
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:06, archived)
# what is the rabbit one?
(I helped save b3ta! Jorvic, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:10, archived)
# Oooooh, what is that one?
(I helped save b3ta! Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:11, archived)
# I'll leave it to Archie to tell - it's his gag.
(I helped save b3ta! barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:15, archived)
# waits with baited breath
though no doubt i will have forgoton it by the time it comes for me to write a BM speach
(I helped save b3ta! Jorvic, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:17, archived)
# Yeah, well Archie appears to have forsaken us
(I helped save b3ta! Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:17, archived)
# no he hasn't ;) (below)
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:19, archived)
# OK so with all due deference to him and his telling of the tale...
It involves husband and wife the following morning, languishing in the marital bed and contemplating breakfast in bed.

Hubby orders double sausage, bacon, egg, tomatoes, mushrooms, black pud (if that's your thing) and a fried slice.

And for madame?

Just a few salad leaves and a couple of raw carrots please.

Sir, we do supply a range of vegetarian and vegan breakfast options

No it's not that - I just want to see if she eats like a rabbit as well.

*pause for giggles and kickings under the table*

Fiver says that by the time I've actually written this out, Archie's posted it already.
(I helped save b3ta! barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:22, archived)
# *hands fiver*
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:22, archived)
# AICMFP
;)
(I helped save b3ta! barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:22, archived)
# Yeah, you're right
he told it better :P

Cheers sir
(I helped save b3ta! Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:24, archived)
# Ok, I'll try and tell it as I told it in the speeches...
Ladies and gentlemen. before I leave you I'd just like to get you to think about the happy couple tomorrow morning after todays wonderful event. Picture if you will the newlyweds waking up in the honeymon bed, as Mr. and Mrs. XXX for the first time. XXXXX (The Groom) will wake up, and ring down to room service to order breakfast for the pair of them.

For him, he'll order Bacon, Eggs, Fried Bread, Sausages, Tomatoes, Hash Browns, Beans, Mushrooms and Black Pudding, all washed down with a mighty cup of Tea. He'll then turn to his new Wife, and for her he'll order a single carrot.

When questioned by the hotel staff on the other end of the phone why just a carrot he'll reply.

'After last night, I want to see if she eats like a Rabbit as well'

/Word of caution. never make eye contact with the Bride's parents while telling this story, or just after either
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:19, archived)
# HAHAHA
You sir, are a hero!
(I helped save b3ta! Jorvic, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:22, archived)
# oh, lordy!
that's a cheeky one.
(I helped save b3ta! enceladus, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:22, archived)
# Hahahahaha!
God, I've seriously misjudged what you can get away with in best man speeches if that's a typical joke, but in my circle of friends it would be hilarious
(I helped save b3ta! Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:22, archived)
# Badum-tsch :D
Relly though.. How well was it recieved the times you've used it? I can't work out if it falls the wrong side of risque?
(I helped save b3ta! The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:24, archived)
# The first time I used it was in a reception of 160+ people in a very 'upmarket/expensive/snooty' reception.
I only knew 4 people in the entire place - the Groom (obviously), the bride, and the groom's parents. To say I was bricking the whole thing would be an understatement. The bride's father had spent nigh on high £25,000 on the whole do, so I could have - in one fatal gag - ruined the entire day.

Thankfully, it went swimmingly, and afterwards many people came up to me, bought me a drink and said that gag had lightened the whole day for them, and it was the best laugh they'd had in ages, which was great to hear :)

Even the bride's father at the end of the night came up and congratulated me, but I'll agree, it was a 'balls of steel' moment to decide to go with it.
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:28, archived)
# Ball of steel indeed!
Weddings are weird things, all the emotions are amplified, but there is a strange sense of "anything goes" at times as well.

But I think trying to secong guess the potential mood / reaction of a wedding reception is nigh on impossible.
(I helped save b3ta! The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:32, archived)
# that's very much the case with the mood/reaction :) best just to go what you feel comfortable with
the wedding in question above was absurd.
Chimney Sweeps for luck, releasing Doves, Cadillac for the Groom and Best man (with 50's throwback driver) 2 rolls royce's for the bride and bridesmaids. It wasn't comfortable at all, far too formal and rigid for me.

And to think they all laughed at a gag about shagging like rabbits.
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:36, archived)
# I was going to go with
"This is the second time today I have stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand."

I might nick yours now ;)
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:17, archived)
# pffft
(I helped save b3ta! Barbarossa is not my real name, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:18, archived)
# Eww o_0
(I helped save b3ta! Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:18, archived)
# HAHA!
Just fire off loads of one liners ala Stewart Francis or Tim Vine
(I helped save b3ta! Jorvic, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:19, archived)
# hahahaha, oh my, that's found the audience level RIGHT there :)
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:20, archived)
# heheheh...
(I helped save b3ta! enceladus, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:20, archived)
# Top work!
And good luck with the speech..
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Howdy, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:07, archived)
# this is bloody ace
top stuff sir

top stuff

I got my wife to write mine

It went down a storm!
(I helped save b3ta! bilbobarneybobs I'll be 14 in b3ta years soon., Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:14, archived)
# you'll knock 'em dead, I'm sure...
being a best man was easily the most nerve-wracking thing I've done, but once you start the speech and get your first laugh, it actually becomes very enjoyable.

Great pic!
(I helped save b3ta! enceladus, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:20, archived)
# ^very much this :)
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:22, archived)
# awesome pic
and gl with the speech - unfortunately I did my brothers, and in a couple of years he will get his revenge on me... :/
(I helped save b3ta! mr ginglymus has something in his pance, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:24, archived)
# :D
you do the best mouths in the world, 99.9% Science fact
(I helped save b3ta! HappyToast Groat froth, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 13:32, archived)
# Him tell it true, bwana..
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Howdy, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 16:42, archived)