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Oh British rail I loathe you so...

A poem to our glorious fucked railways

Your'e rather fucked British rail,
Evey day I travel, evey day you fail,
To arrive on time, be cheap or clean,
In fact you fail in every respect, it would seem.

Your carriges are a filthy, they stink
I've seen cleaner puke filled sinks.
Your ticket prices are obsecene,
Another price hike? time to scream.

For 15 years I've traveled with you,
Your service is unaviodably poo.
It gets worse weekly now it seems,
You give excuses that make less sense than drugged dreams.

Oh British rail you bunch of Cnuts,
It really would be faster in a punt.
50 miles I travel to work and back,
it takes you 3 hours, one way, justify that!

No discount you give on season card or cheap return,
I do really hope you all burn!
I daren't work out the years of my life I've lost,
On your shit services, you pile of dross.

the end (for now)

/EDIT, and if anyone from the national newspapers is reading this, publish it, I dare you! :0)

(

Radio Controlled Nun Hasn't posted for 6 years, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:03, archived)

I'm

sensing issues here ?
Woo to that RCM , how goes ?

(

Tedmus, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:04, archived)

I'm fucking fucked off

First day back at work, In three weeks, and I'm already pissed at the trains. (as I always am)

a factet for you, in the last 6 months, there has not been a single day, not one, where both my outward or inward journeys have both been punctual.

Frankly there are 3rd world contries that have a better service than we do.

Anyway, hi Tedmus, It's good to have a friend to help calm me down. I best finish my m3taprocessing eh? :0)

(

Radio Controlled Nun Hasn't posted for 6 years, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:08, archived)

Done

mine yesterday though I am a little pensive coz I'm a bit of a numpty when it comes to Tattyplop and there are some seriously talented people taking part :0

(

Tedmus, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:17, archived)

That's ok

At least you have humour to save you ;0)

(

Radio Controlled Nun Hasn't posted for 6 years, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:22, archived)

that's a long journey to make twice a day!

i tried commuting from kent to london (hour each way) and it nearly killed me. you have my deepest sympathy.

(

the triple legendary unicorn, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:26, archived)

I used to do Brigton to London

Not a bad journey, less than an hour on the express, but my guess is that because of all the traincompany shareholders on that particular route, the companies are much more careful not to piss them off.

(

Radio Controlled Nun Hasn't posted for 6 years, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:31, archived)

thats

beautiful

(

vulga is a foul mouthed cunt, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:05, archived)

Great poem ...

... but i dont think british rail has existed for many years now.

though i agree 'southwest trains and connex' doesnt scan so well

..(and my god they're cunts)
[edit i should really be a bit faster with my replies]

(

cow23, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:08, archived)

You, sir

are a poetic jeanyus.

Have you considered getting a laptop so you can shop kittens on the journey?

(

JustHere4Coffee remembers when all o' this were car parks, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:10, archived)

I already do, the battery

only lasts 2 hours. I am designing a British Rail are Cnuts site at the moment.

I've made over 20 complaints and never recieved a coherent or beileivable excuse, or a refund, I am now going to drag thier names collectively through the Internet mud. The only cheap recourse for the commen man.

(

Radio Controlled Nun Hasn't posted for 6 years, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:13, archived)

Well I think you're too late

to ruin their reputation... But then you can always blame that on their shoddy service right? :-D

On my local arm of the rail service, I got a photocard thing for free that allowed me to buy a weekly ticket that was much cheaper than the standard rates... It's still suprising though that I can drive further than the distance I'd take the train in less time, and on roads with a maximum 40mph limit... and traffic jams... and stopping for a sarnie. And 'cause it's a Mini I am actually paying less for the journey even including standard running costs on top of fuel and insurance!

(

JustHere4Coffee remembers when all o' this were car parks, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:16, archived)

I think what galls the most

is there are no discounts _at__all_ on my journey, between 2 of the south coasts biggest cities, I'm hardly suprised there are only 2 other commuters who do the same journey.

Oh, and season tickes are pointless, I only have to have one day off on a monthy ticket, and the *GOSH* £6 I save on daily tickets is wiped out.

Brighton to Portmouth via 24 arshole of nowhere stations,stopping at every one.

/edit It takes 3/4 of an hour to drive to Portsmouth, so the train takes more than 3 times longer (almost 4 times in fact).

(

Radio Controlled Nun Hasn't posted for 6 years, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:21, archived)

Hey, I live in one of those arseholes!

I'm suprised how much is wiped out though... I was paying 14 quid from worthing to shoreham on a weekly, which was actually cheaper than bunking even if I'd only had to pay one-way per day... usual capture odds were every morning and two evenings.

But then I suppose the longer journeys have a slightly better cost ratio anyhow - 1.50 for a half-mile train ride within worthing itself? taking the extreme piss.

(

JustHere4Coffee remembers when all o' this were car parks, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:32, archived)

I'm sorry

Some of them look like lovely place to live, but once you had 6 months of seeing no-one whatsoever get on a Angmering, Climping, Ford (places I'd never heard of before) you do start to wonder. And they could do some express services that don't stop _eveywere_

(

Radio Controlled Nun Hasn't posted for 6 years, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:37, archived)

I live in the big arsehole between them.

And I work in Lancing which definately qualifies as an arsehole. I live five minutes walk from the station, I work five minutes from the station at the other end. It is cheaper and quicker for me to drive.

At least on a normal day that is. It took me over an hour to get out of Worthing this morning.

(

wheresthefish Partly filled with wrong, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 22:09, archived)

Chill my friend

you are no longer on that train.

(

Batsgirl, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:11, archived)

This is part of my

Chilling Therapy :0)

(

Radio Controlled Nun Hasn't posted for 6 years, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:44, archived)

dirk's reunions were always fun...

...he loved having his family around him.

(

new_matt, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:59, archived)

im scared

the buggers

(

Swamp Donkey, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:55, archived)

Oh lawks!

(

Captain Nostril, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:49, archived)

There's some hands for ya you cunt

Now fuck off!

(

.spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:47, archived)

Arf

I reckon that shall not be the end though.

(Al__S is constantly suprised, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:49, archived)

HA!

WOO! YAY! that DID make me laugh....

(Ellis, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:49, archived)

normally wouldn't but I dig your sentiment and it made me chuckle !

Woo!

(

Tedmus, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:49, archived)

HAHAHA

COOL...AS...FUCK

woo yay

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:49, archived)

fank-oo

Mista Wobinson

(

.spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:51, archived)

i say old boy

to that sentiment

(

cow23, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:51, archived)

Foo Fay

to your Woo Yay!
smashin'

(

.spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:52, archived)

snap

[ish]

(

Kamikazee Killmouse, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:11, archived)

my first wooyay

goes to this picture.

I never imagined you could do anything useful with 61 bytes.

(Fibonacci, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:22, archived)

what is that?

the world's smallest woo yay?

(

Kamikazee Killmouse, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:26, archived)

Hmmm

He's just not as cute with hands...

(

Batsgirl, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:51, archived)

ohyes...

now fuck off, ya show-off kitteny fucker.

Nice shoppage, BTW.

PS - I have finally figured out what my bit of the m3tab3tan needed - Gary Bushell! How could I have not realised?

PPS - except I can't find a decent pic of the cunt. Arse.

(

chaotic_illuminator proud spacehopperist, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:56, archived)

I would have thought

he would be anyone's first choice. What is this m3tab3tan you speak of? it sounds exciting.

(

.spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:59, archived)

Submitted

my bit yesterday.......bit scared though with talk of 1 meg file sizes and 2 minute length!!
Enjoyed making it though , cant wait to see the finished thing :)

(

Tedmus, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:02, archived)

BWA HA HA HAAAARGH!

'Sgood.

(

Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:21, archived)

i laughed at that

rather more than is healthy.

(

discostu oh my, its back, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:47, archived)

Attention anyone concerned with entertainment

UK Government are passing a new and fucked up law as regards entertainment licenses. As of July it will be illegal for even one person to perform in premises with no entertainment licenses, including private functions. Max penalty is 6 months imprisonment and a 20,000 pound fine... go to www dot musiciansunion dot org dot uk for more info

(

Batsgirl, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:47, archived)

and how in god's name

do you define performance?

(

.spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:48, archived)

Live music,

discos, karaoke, storytelling... the bill got kinda snuck through. It's gonna affect anyone who has a band or is a DJ, which applies to some people here...

(

Batsgirl, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:50, archived)

What about stopping in the street and singing

or a bit of sneaky tap dance practice at the bus-stop?

(

.spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:53, archived)

That comes under spontaneous entertainment

as soon as someone gets paid, the trouble starts.

(

Batsgirl, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:54, archived)

That's OK then

my unique brand of tap and vocals is a gift to the men and women of this world

(

.spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:04, archived)

That's

my naked badger juggling spot at The Cow and Hearing aid fucked up then........

(

Tedmus, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:50, archived)

Shop it!

That's something I'd kinda like to see :)

(

Batsgirl, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:53, archived)

you

is one strange lady ;)

(

Tedmus, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:57, archived)

WHAT???

Thats Insane.not to mention a complete waste of time money and effort

((delitia), Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:51, archived)

That's the

government for you.

(

Batsgirl, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:52, archived)

Amen

To that

((delitia), Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:53, archived)

A mate of my stepdad owns a pub

with a field out the back. Local authority said that to have a do in the field, he had to make and illuminate fire exits, and on the day ensure that the grass was no longer than 3/4 of an inch otherwise it was a safety hazard.

(

Batsgirl, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:58, archived)

sounds perfectly reasonable to me

can't have anyone hurting themselves in long grass when the way out hasn't been clearly demarcated.

(

.spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:06, archived)

If I was in a field

and there was a fire I wouldn't bother looking for a fucking exit!

(

Batsgirl, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:08, archived)

if only the fuckers

would do what they promised and repeal the antiquated licensing laws...

(

new_matt, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:13, archived)

Yeah right!

Musiciansunion have a petition against this latest change, so spread the word...

(

Batsgirl, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:21, archived)

Please, Sir,

I want some more.

(

Spherix What, with these feet?, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:29, archived)

Days like these

thatmake you want to scream.bleedin aol

((delitia), Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:28, archived)

THATS JUST GAVE ME A GREAT PIC IDEA

....and yes, AOHell are shit...I'm using AOHell

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:30, archived)

I can't be arsed now....can't find a good enough pic

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:34, archived)

Whatever

Such is Life

((delitia), Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:36, archived)

If i knew what that ment

I'd agree

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:38, archived)

Sorry

Went philosophical 4 a moment.Man do i need therapy for that.

((delitia), Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:43, archived)

either that

or I need to learn more

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:45, archived)

Works...

either way

((delitia), Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:46, archived)

Has

everybody left the planet?
Very quiet round here tonight?

(

Tedmus, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:34, archived)

I was just thinking that

I come everyone goes...

Do I smell?

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:37, archived)

Yes

...Yes you do

(

Tedmus, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:37, archived)

Sorry...

*Sprays Lynx Africa everywhere*

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:40, archived)

women

duly flock

(nevermind, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:43, archived)

is that why I can't get a shag

I use expensive stuff?????

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:44, archived)

better

than spraying African Lynx everywhere , them fuckers bite you know......

(

Tedmus, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:46, archived)

Lynx Africas nice though

its the only expensive one that actualy smells nice

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:47, archived)

African lynx

expensive, bloomin africans, if u buy that stuff it'll run there econemy for months :D

(Speed12, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:55, archived)

like

a bout of dysentry, my friend.

(nevermind, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:39, archived)

naughty

threadwaste...

so in purely wossname fashion, i shall jack this thread!

does anyone know of any good noo media recruitment agencies in and around london?

(nevermind, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:36, archived)

nope

sorry

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:40, archived)

Spaced Hopper

(

Captain Nostril, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:26, archived)

I think you'll agree

Edit/ I'm so proud I got msn to work insted of having to use shitty Yapoo

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:22, archived)

yes you are.

oh sorry... the picture... i see now.

*kidding*

(

trashcanglam, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:25, archived)

I did mean

to put the edited bit in first...

So I think thats stated my point!

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:27, archived)

pffffffrrrt

[mops up beer from screen]

(

.spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:29, archived)

She looks so happy

to be holding that card

(

AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:29, archived)

she?

(

.spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:48, archived)

time for a bad pun....

(

trashcanglam, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:21, archived)

piper

at the gates of dawn?

muahaha :)

(

zerolicious, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:22, archived)

CONGRATULATIONS MR ZERO

YOU HAVE WON FIRST PRIZE!!!

(

trashcanglam, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:23, archived)

hehehe

silly !

(

Tedmus, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:25, archived)

You should be hunted down for that one

(

mikemystery blames the parents, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 21:14, archived)

More David Blunkett

David was happy to fold space and travel the galaxy in his spare time.

(

Captain Nostril, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:18, archived)

That's no moon... that's a space hopper!

Not too late to join in am I?

(

Sandman-uk, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:01, archived)

*snigger*

i'm ashamed that even made me laugh. but it did.

(

trashcanglam, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:02, archived)

haha

never too late with the power of the spaz behind you.
just collecting all the starwars/hopper links to add to the opening titles at the mo
Opening Titles

(

Kamikazee Killmouse, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:05, archived)

What about....

McClicky?

(

xian, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:17, archived)

is there a page with all these on?

it would be great to see them all together

(

Spoon, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:18, archived)

Mr Boomshank

is busy at the moment I believe.

(

Kamikazee Killmouse, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:24, archived)

hurrah

can't wait

(

Spoon, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:30, archived)

Yay for Spacehoppers!

The new kittens.

"I've got a spacehopper baby and it's strictly one seater
You've got to hang on tight to the special feature" --- w/y/h to Julian Cope as well.

(

Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:10, archived)

Now you've done it

*sits back and waits for nohands/spacehopper hybrid*

(Al__S is constantly suprised, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:11, archived)

I was thinking that

on the toilet earlier.

(

Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:24, archived)

dear...

(

Tedmus, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:26, archived)

Sorry

rather too much detail there.

You'll be pleased to know I do not possess the hummus for such a pshopping feat.

(

Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:37, archived)

the 2 stroke poodle was a bugger to start

hat/coat/galloshes/incontinence pants/ hello

(

Dill, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 19:58, archived)

reminds me

of the vibrating bum faced goats

(

Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:00, archived)

perhaps the mechanism's

a bit rough. Ruff! Ruff!

edit: I meant to reply to the poodle!

(

Captain Nostril, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:02, archived)

Woo Yay

for Viz!

The same artist is responsible for Gilbert Ratchet, Tinribs and others. Legend.

(Psi, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:03, archived)

I keep

waiting for it finally start, and the guy and dog to go flying off the side of picture...

(Al__S is constantly suprised, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:02, archived)

Those

things are (in) more films than you would realise...

(

Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 19:53, archived)

that

is fab

and no it didn't say something else here

(

gracielou, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 19:56, archived)

too late

...

(albatross! aka Rameses Niblick III Kerplunk kerplunk - whoops, where's my thribble?, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 19:59, archived)

David Dickinson is on This is Your Life

does that mean he'll die now?

(

trashcanglam, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 19:48, archived)

Well, he was on it the other day too

and he's not dead yet.

(Maels, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 19:49, archived)

you mean he has two lives?

greedy bastard.

Michael Aspel must be sick of him.

(

trashcanglam, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 19:50, archived)

die

Not without help - Surely the jaundice will get him soon?

(

Captain Nostril, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:28, archived)

The Adobe Acrobat got quite bored sitting around the office all day

(Maels, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 19:46, archived)

haha!

brill!
a woo yay to you

(roomproject, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 19:47, archived)

Construct a well-known

phrase using the words "yay" and "woo"!

(

Captain Nostril, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:05, archived)

Yoo Way?

(

Herr Tezcat, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:07, archived)

Erm

sort of but no. Wa Yoyo!

(

Captain Nostril, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:29, archived)

weirrdness=beauty .....meow!

here kitty kitty.....
www.marcusvansoest.nl/meow.html

(fnurkusartvark, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 19:42, archived)

you have quite obviously fried your mind.

well done. you have EIGHT points.

(

trashcanglam, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:01, archived)

hello earthling we love fried minds on planet fnurk!

take me to your leader!

(fnurkusartvark, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:15, archived)

Run away! Run away!

(

Captain Nostril, Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:05, archived)

is that one of those fearsome fiery penises on the left there?

(

.spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Mon 6 Jan 2003, 20:12, archived)

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