Can't use the lift, it says so
Moving house and (bored) watching two big blokes packing up my entire life into dozen of brown boxes to be taken to a lift, down two floors to a waiting van.

Noticed that one of the blokes is looking very sweaty and out of breath after half an hour or so while the other was breathing easy. Poked my head out of my front door as he walked out with a box only to see that he wasn't using the lift but the stairs. When I asked why, he couldn't speak but pointed at the sign by it:

'Do not use incase of fire'

Turned out he thought that the lift was only to be used if the building was burning down (and his 'friend' didn't correct him)
(sabre32, Wed 30 Nov 2016, 7:16, 4 replies)

gas
In Malta, cooking and heating it generally by Gas. You can pick up bottles at specific points and some entrepreneurial grocer shops. So, I need gas and visit a local shop that I know normally has a few bottles. The conversation.

Me ; Do you have any Gas bottles please?
Shop: No. Try tomorrow, eh.
Me: Are you having a delivery tomorrow?
Shop: No
Me: So will you have any in tomorrow?
Shop: No
Me: So why should I come tomorrow?
Shop: Just try eh...

Since this incident, I have spontaneous combusted due to 'idiot' frustration.
(ir0nic, Tue 29 Nov 2016, 17:18, 6 replies)

The guy who always drove everywhere
I travelled from Manchester to an event in Nottingham with an ex-colleague, who wasn't used to public transport. We got the hourly Norwich-bound train.

I had to travel back a day early, so I wrote the return train times down for my colleague and left him to it.

Next day, he phones me from the train, to complain I'd got the times wrong, so he just missed a train and had to wait nearly an hour. "I definitely checked the Manchester train times and wrote them down right", I insisted.

"Well, I'm not on the bloody Manchester train, am I?", he snapped. "I'm on the Norwich one, like the one we got here."
(Porcupine, Mon 28 Nov 2016, 12:50, 2 replies)

An ex-flatmate went on a date with a guy she'd chatted to online for a while.
She texted a mate afterwards, to tell her she hadn't enjoyed the date, as the guy was really dull, had shit dress sense and a really annoying laugh.

She accidentally sent the text to the guy!

Realising her error a moment later, she texted her mate again, to tell her how embarrassed she was, because although the guy was pretty annoying, she'd wanted one more date, that would hopefully end in a quick shag, before telling him she wasn't interested in seeing him again.

...She sent that one to the guy, too!
(Porcupine, Mon 28 Nov 2016, 12:39, 1 reply)

Many years ago I used to get a lift to work from a young female travel agent.
When crossing the Runcorn/Widnes bridge on a particularly breezed Monday morning she pointed to the wind socks and asked me what they were for..."they are a method of being able to tell the time but it's all very technical".

Nothing much more was said about them.

Until on the way home she was telling me she had told all her work colleagues about the "time socks" (this is the name I came up for them) and that all of her work colleagues are going to be looking out for them now.

She stopped giving me a lift shortly after this time.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 26 Nov 2016, 22:32, 5 replies)

The village shop
I live in a tiny village where there's no pub, no shop, no post office. Just a picture framer and a coffee and cake cafe.

Some fella decided to open a shop. He hired a vacant building, and then proceeded with a marketing campaign which consisted of two bits of A4 paper stuck to a couple of trees.

The opening times were Monday to Saturday, 09.00 to 18.00. I stuck my head round the door to see what he offered, and it was mostly cat food and chocolate bars.

The village shop closed within three weeks. Funnily, few people were desparate for a Mars bar Monday to Saturday, 09.00 to 18.00.
(MC Chicken Sandwich Me gusta ver la pornografía de los milfs., Sat 26 Nov 2016, 20:40, Reply)

mate of mine
we were both more than a bit stoned and had the munchies.
"i'm going the chippy," my mate said, "do you want anything?"
"just get me a couple of chicken wings" i replied.
ten minutes later, my friend arrived back.
"that was quick," i said, "did you get my wings?"
"no," she replied, "they had none, so i got you a packet of chicken walker's. they're just the same, right?"
no. no they are not.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 26 Nov 2016, 17:20, 2 replies)

chinese
I was in the Chinese takeaway, ordering my usual chicken chow mein, when I realised I didn't have enough cash on my and would have to go to the cash machine.

'Ah, sorry - could you cook it for me and I'll be back in a minute with the money?'

'No, sorry, you have to pay for your food up front.'

'Oh. But you take telephone orders for people to order, and then come in and pick up and pay for don't you?'

I think she'll realise she's being daft. She looks at me blankly.

'Yes. So what?'

'Well... what's the difference between me phoning and order in and paying for it when I pick it up, to me running down the road to the cash point and paying when I come back?'

'But...your not on the phone.'

I pull out my phone.
'Shall I ring you and place my order then?'

'Yes please.'

'ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?' I'm laughing, thinking she's messing about.

Nope. So I actually rang up the chinese takeaway I was standing in to place my order. She answered the phone. I placed my order. I went to the cash machine. I came back. I paid.

I got my chicken chow mein.
(inflateable, Fri 25 Nov 2016, 17:09, 6 replies)

me, unfortunately
Spent an evening drinking caipirinhas in a bar and eventually got to wondering why, as our bit of the bar was so busy, we didn't go into the room next door that I could see through a porthole cunningly positioned in the wall.

When I suggested it, it was pointed out that this porthole was in fact a mirror.
( rofl harris, Fri 25 Nov 2016, 16:45, 3 replies)

Another one of those describing a word without saying the word game
Playing the game round my parents' place and my brother's wife was struggling to describe an alligator and then came up with the genius suggestion of describing it as 'opposite of crocodile'. Despite the exploding hilarity my brother got it and won the point. Hilarious and most definitely not a problem.

A couple of years later, playing a similar game with the inlaws and, as luck would have it I had to describe a crocodile. Eyeing a chance for some comedy and an anecdote I quickly described it as 'opposite of alligator'. There were a few tuts and a couple of laughs.

The point was won, but the bigger victory was yet to come. The father in law stood up and the C word was used. I was a cheat, apparently, and the whole party was witness to a now legendary tantrum and flounce as insults were hurled and the FIL stormed out.

We all watched as the pillock slammed the door behind him and the MIL just calmly suggested to everyone that her chances of winning had just improved immeasurably.
(mersault, Fri 25 Nov 2016, 12:54, Reply)

Radio
My mother, god bless 'er, is sometimes quite easily taken in. As long as you say something with enough confidence, it can take much longer than it should for her to twig that things aren't quite right.

Some time ago, I mentioned an item I'd heard on the radio to her during the course of a conversation.
"I think I heard that," she said. "I was in the kitchen when it came on."
"Oh," I said. "I think we must be talking about something else, because I was definitely in the car."

Mum agreed that it must have been a different item. It was only when Dad and I couldn't contain our laughter any more that the light dawned.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 25 Nov 2016, 11:18, 1 reply)

I live in a small-ish village on the outskirts of Edinburgh
Our High Street contains the usual types of businesses - a paper shop, a Scotmid (Co-Op to you southern lot), a bakery, couple of pubs, etc.

A vacant unit was taken over by a bookies. This was back before online betting really took off, so it seemed like the owners had cleverly identified a niche in the local market.

On it's opening weekend, Hearts were playing Hibs in a hotly-anticipated local football derby. However, all partisan feelings were put aside as supporters of both teams gladly placed bets on BOTH teams to take advantage of the bookies somewhat generous odds. Yes, that's right, you could put money on ALL outcomes and still come out ahead.

The bookies closed down the following week.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2016, 10:56, Reply)

Mental Block at the Checkout
On Saturdays I will call in at the Bakers to buy cakes and whatnot and usually be served by the cute assistant. This day the bill was £1.50 and I had the right money - so three 50p's went into her hand.
"It's wrong" she said
"I've given you three 50 pence pieces" I said
"I know - but it's wrong"
"Mmm, that adds up to £1.50 you know"
"Yes I know that does but IT'S WRONG!!!"
That last call was heard throughout the shop, so sensing some kind of breakdown I took her hand and quietly said "Lets count it together then, 50p, £1 and one more makes £1.50"
"Err.. oh yes so it does".
"Thank you Heather".
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Thu 24 Nov 2016, 20:42, 3 replies)

With the wife and her (drunk) friends playing 'Articulate'
For those not familiar with the popular family board game, you have 30 seconds to describe a word on the card to a team-mate.

Normally you would get through 3 or 4 cards per turn. After about 28 seconds, the drunk friend has managed to confirm that the category on the only card they have tried is 'animal' and the 2 syllables of the answer are 'sea' and 'horse'.

As the last dregs of the sand fall from the top of the timer, she leaps up and at the top of her voice shouts "HORSEY!"

Unfortunately it was incorrect.
( da5id <YOUR SIG HERE>, Thu 24 Nov 2016, 14:27, Reply)

My mum calling a local radio gardening programme...
"Ok, now we have (Haywood's mum) on the line, whereabouts are you calling from?"

"I'm calling from my kitchen."
(Haywood Manley, Wed 23 Nov 2016, 23:27, 1 reply)

Brother did a bit of IT helpdesk work years ago at company with lots of remote workers
One day a woman called in a state of distress.
"My screen just went off and it won't turn back on"
"OK, could you check that the power lead hasn't fallen out of your monitor?"
"Yes it's still plugged in"
"OK could you check at the other end of the monitor cable, where it plugs into the computer?"
"No I can't see. It's too dark"
"Could you perhaps get some light down there to see if the lead has come out?"
"No I haven't got any light. There's a power cut"
( propellerhed, Wed 23 Nov 2016, 21:23, 1 reply)

Took a delivery at work
Our address is 2 Suchandsuch Street.

Delivery genius hands me a parcel with "1 Suchandsuch Street" clearly printed on the label.

"This is for number one," says I.

"Yeah, but two includes one, doesn't it," opines delivery genius.

"No, sorry, you'll have to take this to number one," says I.

Delivery genius lets out a heavy sigh.

"Ok, fine, do you know where number one is?" he asks.

"Erm, it's that building on the opposite side of the road with the giant number one emblazoned on it," says I.

Delivery genius looks at me like I'm an idiot.

"No, I'm looking for number on on *this side*," he replies witheringly.

I shut the door.
(SimianKid internet faffer, Wed 23 Nov 2016, 12:33, Reply)

my friend is quite academic but totally lacking in any form of common sense, as such people often are
we were about 15 and wanted desperately to sneak in to see an 18 rated film.

all the make-up in the world won't help you to look older when your dimwit friend asks the cashier for "2 halves please."
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2016, 10:16, 1 reply)

A Long Time Ago...
...in a game of twenty questions, far away.

Him: Is it an animal?
Me: Yes.
Him: Does it have four legs?
Me: Yes.
Him: Can it fly?
Me: ...
(FieldingMellish, Wed 23 Nov 2016, 6:38, 27 replies)

I currently work as a sort of one-man elearning department and so have to take support calls from the public
as such, I get confronted daily with ignorance and idiocy. I'll list a few here:
*Complain about some aspect of the website. Find out they're looking at a completely different site that has nothing to do with us.
*A charming belief that their login credentials for our site should work on all sites, such as our competitors.
*A charming belief that my support includes telling them how to set up their printer, negotiate problems with their ISP, hear about all their medical or workplace issues and family tragedies, diagnose why their computer is slow, and stay on the line while they complete a three hour module so I can somehow divine what is wrong from the faint sound of mouse clicks
*Have managed to enroll in an online module without understanding such concepts as browser, address, webpage, page, menu so that many of my instructions go something like: "look at the top left of your screen and you should see.... yes that's top-left, right up the top of the screen on the left-hand side, you should see a big grey rectangle with some words written in it in blue? Yes, you see that? One of those words says login. L-O-G-I-N. one word. that's right. now I want you to click on that word....Ah, I think you've right-clicked. I want you to click it with the button on the left side of your mouse...ok?...Now tell me what you can see..... Now you see where it says password?...Yes, well I want you to click inside the empty box and type in your password..."
And so on.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 23 Nov 2016, 2:02, 3 replies)

My ditzy pal Heather
Heather is a lovely girl, but just a little bit special. She's one of those people that has a 1st class honours degree in History, but absolutely zero common sense. How she gets through the day in one piece just baffles me sometimes.

One day Heather went to work. This involved driving a couple of miles up the road to the station, taking the train into Edinburgh, followed by a 10-15 minute walk at the other end. Being a librarian, she spends most of the day on her feet. At the end of the day, she headed home.

It was only whilst on the train HOME that she realised that she had odd boots on. Not only that, but one had a heel and the other didn't. It would appear that she spent the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY walking round with a limp and didn't even notice.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 22 Nov 2016, 13:53, 5 replies)

Tropical fish shop
I asked for six feet of air tubing, and was told they only sold it by the yard.
( Varmint, Tue 22 Nov 2016, 12:35, 8 replies)

Do the maths
I ordered three pieces of chicken with fries.

"Sorry, we don't do a three piece chicken meal"

"Erm, ok, in that case can I have a two piece chicken meal and one extra piece of chicken?"

Waitress gives that confused blank stare then proceeds with my order.
(ed-z, Tue 22 Nov 2016, 10:10, Reply)

Just opened the new pumps.
The station was just hopping, I hadn't had time to do anything, let alone have change. I put out my signs, but customers were relentless. Another guy came in and tossed a 20 on the counter.

"Give me 10 dollars on pump 3."

"I don't have any change, I have no way to break this." I said.

"Well then give me 5 dollars on pump 3!" he says.

I look him square in the eye and say, "Man, you have got to be kidding."

He says, "What? Give me three fives!"

You can't fix stupid. I just pushed the bill back to him and he looked at me like I stole his lunch, picked up the bill, and walked out the door.
( CapnChkn I would rather be flying elephants., Mon 21 Nov 2016, 20:30, 17 replies)

patty time
one of my preferred burger places offers a variety of burger sizes.
(1/3 lb, 1/2 lb, 2/3 lb, 1 lb)

recently:
---
"i'd like a 1 lb bacon cheeseburger"
"do you know how big that is?!?"
---
(whosebooze, Mon 21 Nov 2016, 19:50, 9 replies)

Irish pub in Atlanta
Pint of Guinness please.
Is that a small pint or a large one?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 21 Nov 2016, 12:03, 9 replies)

Furred

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 21 Nov 2016, 11:02, Reply)

Brain trust
"Can I have a coke"
"Pint or a half?"
"Which is smaller?"
"?!?!?!?"
Request from last weekend
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Mon 21 Nov 2016, 9:31, 1 reply)