Taking a pig upstairs
A mate of mine lived with a woman for a while, who was nuts about pigs. Had a pig flap put in the back door, used to take it for walks, that kind of thing. More of a family pet than a culinary investment, the pig started off small, and, in the way of things, got bigger.
And bigger. And friendlier.
This pig used to follow my mate around, and being curious, often followed him upstairs.
This wasn't a problem when it was younger ( reason in a min) but became an issue when the fucker grew to 14 stone, and lead to her untimely dismissal.

The problem is, that pigs' legs fold the other way from ours. This makes stairs effectively a 'pig valve', piggy can go up stairs with a moderate amount of piggy decorum, however, only way the pig can get down stairs is to hurl itself from the top step, and hope for the best!
This was just about acceptable when the pig was a piglet, rather a different matter when a large sow hurtles past, picking itself up off the bottom step.....
(Countryslicker, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:47, 4 replies)

Snail guilt
One of the many houses I have inhabited had a very untidy and overgrown garden. We couldn't be bothered to mow it or anything so it was a wilderness of disgrace in the eyes of all the neighbours. However it must have been some sort of snail heaven because it was full of the damn things. This was fine, until all the snails decided they wanted to have a snail party on the concrete path leading up to the front door, unbeknownst to us, while we were out. It was invariably dark when we got back, so as we marched up the path, this would happen:

Step
Step
CRUNCH
step
CRUNCH
step
CRUNCH CRUNCH
CRUNCH CRUNCH
CRUNCH CRUNCH
CRUNCH OH MY GOD I KILLED THE SNAILS!!!!!

Sorry snails.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:43, 4 replies)

Wasp warning
Sh*t i just remembered this one man!

When I was about 16 i was hanging out round my house with a mate and there was a wasp faffing around in the curtains , bouncing off the window etc.

Anyway, my mate starts telling me about this trick where you put a fly or wasp in the freezer and it passes out, you can then tie a bit of thread around it and then you have your own pet fly on a lead.

So we catch this wasp in a glass, put it in the freezer and leave the door open and watch. It slowly starts getting tired then after about 2 minutes its out cold. We then got the unconcious wasp and carefully tied some cotton thread around its body (about where the sting attaches to the torso)

After it warmed up it woke up and tried to fly away - but it couldnt get far because it was now on a lead. After a few minutes of running round the house with our pet wasp we cut the thread down to about 6 inches long then stuck a little note to the other end saying "WARNING - WASP" It was then set free outside.

Not really accidental.. but then again not really crual coz wasps are c*nts.
(Tony Coca Cola, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:43, 6 replies)

Pheasants are evil.
My dear mother used to work in Bolton, and as such used to drive home every evening over a poorly-lit, very twisty road, which is coincidentally very popular with bikers (we're a sadistic lot aren't we?)

One day, she rounds a blind corner doing about 50mph, and there it is, standing in the middle of the road. A fucking massive Pheasant, with a look of pure malice in its small beady eyes.

Startled, she slammed the brakes on and stopped inches away from it.

Unfortunately, the guy in the Range Rover which had been behind her didn't. It ploughed straight into the back of her 3-week-old Toyota Corolla, completely destroying the entire rear end.

Damage to the Pheasant? None. The little fucker walked away, completely nonplussed at the carnage it had just caused.

Damage to the Range Rover? A slight dent to the bullbars on the front.

Damage to my mum's brand new car? £8000 worth. Luckily, she had fully comprehensive insurance.

Not exactly on topic, this, but the moral?

If you see a bird in the middle of the road, run the fucker over.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:42, 6 replies)

Frog dumplings
Urgh. I'd filed this one away, just remembered it.

We had a pond at home, nowt special, but full of frogs. Big fuckers too, the size of your fist. I spent ages watching them, loved that whole frogspawn (like a giant passion fruit non?), tadpole, tadpole without tail, tiny tiny froglet metamorphosis thing.

One winter, when I was about 10, there was a severe frost lasting several days. Fucking about with large chunks of ice is one of my 'ain't nature useful' faves, it's like environmentally friendly vandalism, lobing huge bits of ice up in the air, watching them shatter, skimming them, that kind of thing.

This particular year, the ice was just too thick to break, even with all my weight. Boring!

Off to the tool shed, came back with a pick axe, struggled to lift it and twatted the ice with it.. it showed signs of breaking. More confident this time, I lifted the axe again, and put the pointy ended fucker right through the fibre glass side of the pond, draining out most of the water from underneath, leaving only the ice, then a air layer.

Dismayed and rather guiltily, I scurried back to the house

It was then I learnt a biology lesson. Water is at its densest at 4°C. This means that the water at the bottom of a pond is the warmest, and this is where the frogs go to hibernate.

Without this insulation, the frogs will die.

When the pond unfreezes, lots of putrifying, bloated, horrifically disfigured, wobbly masses of barely recognisibly frog innards will start floating to the surface.

This happened over a period of a couple of weeks, at the rate of a couple of new conscience pricking corpses per day. Sorry frogs. I dun wrong.
(Countryslicker, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:32, Reply)

Not really accidental
A friend* got some bangers**. We would've been ten-ish at the time. So cue much hilarity as a gang of us sought out potential targets -- cars, trains, people walking under bridges etc.

Anyway, he managed to find, catch, and insert a banger into the arse of, a frog. By crikey, was it ever messy***.

Poor froggy. I really didn't have the heart for it at the time, and a quarter of a century later I still feel guilty for not stepping in to do something.

/shame


* Yes really -- I would never have been allowed such things.

** Not sausages, small fireworks -- as the name suggests, they don't do much, save go 'bang'.

*** Not quite as messy as when he later had the genius idea of sticking one in a freshly-laid dog turd, though. We really weren't expecting the fallout area to be quite so extensive...that was a fun one to explain to my Mum.

( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:29, 5 replies)

Wasps = Evil
I once told a wasp it was fat. It flew off and cried. That showed it.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:28, 7 replies)

Vicarious responsibility
One night, many years ago, I was returning from an evening out in London. I took a cab from the railway station back to my flat.

As we were driving along a cat wandered out into the middle of the road and the driver stopped to let it pass. The cat disappeared so the driver moved off again...

Bump...

Bump...

The drive stopped, sucked his teeth and then drove on again.

I hope the kitty died quickly.
(Mork, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:28, Reply)

Hamsters
many a hamster has come to share its life with me as a child. There have been good ones and bad ones, most notable were 2 russian dwarfe hamsters... evil evil little spunk buckets of hamsters, impossible to handle - so we used to see how far we could bounce them on the bed... well 'til we forgot they existed and although there was food provided every couple of weeks, it didnt take long for them to slip from this mortal coil - I really cant remember they dying... which is strange.

I also had the delightful opportunity to own my very own slow worm.

If you're not familliar with such a creature then I suggest never ever owning one... as they are quite possibly the vilest creatures known to man, and dont fair well in an old fish tank filled with soil.

so not so cruel really that whilst cleaning said tank, I return it to its rightful place, and lobbed it over the fence with a handfull of soil on the back of a trowel... I think the cats had some fun that evening.

So overtly not cruel really hmmmm... bouncey bouncey...

Oh I wont mention the mixamatosis rabbits, and chasing it into a wall... or my mate causing a sheep to commit harri karri... another day perhaps.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:21, Reply)

Pigeon roadkill
On my bicycle. It shot out of the hedge and managed to go straight under the rear wheel (such accuracy and dedication from a bird). An 18mm tyre at 150psi does a pretty good job of cleaving a pigeon in half :-X Blood and feathers all over the back of the bike.
(rogerzilla, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:19, Reply)

Yet more pheasants
Without osok's excellent sound effects, I'm afraid :-(

PJM's pheasant story on page 2 reminded me of the time a bloke I knew hit a pheasant with his car while driving through a estate he'd been working on. The bird was still alive, but injured, so concerned for its welfare, and also to avoid the potential wrath of the gamekeeper, he decided to do something about it.

So off he went to the estate house, and knocked on the door. The owner, your stereotypical well-to-do landowner type, appeared and saw this bloke with an injured pheasant in a box on his doorstep.

"Er, I just hit this pheasant with my car and I've hurt it. What would you suggest I do?"

The landowner's reply was not as he might have expected. "I suggest stuffing it, and putting the fucker in the oven surrounded by roast potatoes!" he said.

Which he did. Yum.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:14, 1 reply)

Pheasants again
Now I fully agree with everybody who has pointed out that these are thick as a very thick thing animals, whose idea of a good time is to walk across a major dual carriageway during rush hour traffic.

However, they have a stroppy, nay demonic side to them, when they get sufficiently riled.

Out on a mate's farm that just happened to border a game shoot (free birds!) and we had already seen a few galloping around, and had bagged one or two. So we amble through another bit of woodland when all of a sudden

"AwwwwrkAwwwrrkflapflapflapflapflap" A-Ha! Tasty flying meal!

"FlapflapflapBANGfla....swissssssshTHUD".

Dead as a dead parrot, inert, shuffled off mortal coil etc. So into the gamebag he goes to join his equally deceased friend. Said gamebag is then slung over back, pick up gun, head back towards mate. Halfway over fence (barbed wire, naturally)

"Awwwwrrkkk scrabblescrabbleAwwrrkkpeckpeckpeckAwwrkclawclawclaw"

Little bugger was only stunned of course, then doubly stunned when hitting the ground.

So, while the feathery immortal claws away, and manages to peck his sharp evil beak halfway up my crevice, I have to get off the barbed wire fence I was crossing, ditch the shotgun in a safe manner (known as break it and lob the fucker), unsling the bag, very gingerly release the buckle and then enter into all-in hand to hand combat with an enraged pheasant.

"AwwrrkOWYABUGGERAwwrrkpeckpeckTHUD"



Even after his demise, his pheasantness still had his revenge - some time later my dear lady wiff is tucking into her roast pheasant.

Despite being a bit squeamish about the whole hunter-gatherer bit, put a roasted to a turn dead 'un in front of her and it's starving wolf impression. Even asked for seconds.

MunchmunchmunchOWWWWWWWSHIIIIIT.

Piece of shot versus tooth = trip to dentists and many shiny pennies. Now that was a well hard pheasant.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:02, 1 reply)

crane flies
are these daddy long legs?

i HATE them. with a passion.

however, i did feel disgustedly sorry when one flew into my lamp the other night (it's december. why hadn't it already frozen to death? bloody global warming) and sizzled to a long, slow, barbequey death.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:56, 3 replies)

Hamster Ball Crash
When i was a kid i had a mate who had a hamster. Anyway one night it was out in its little hamster ball thing and my mate was gonna put it away. So he picks up the ball, puts it on the kitchen counter and turns to talk to me for a second and with that *Crack* the hamster had rolled off and crashed its ball into the tiled floor. We opened it up and got the hamster out and its nose was bleeding and it couldnt move its front legs. We were just so gutted, we knew we had to put it out of its misery or something but couldnt bring ourselves to do it. My mate put it back in its cage and left it till the next day. Turned out to be ok in the end and lived another year or so. Good job we didnt drown it.
(Tony Coca Cola, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:55, Reply)

I once
experimented on 2000 chimpanzees over a decade, which all died painfully. I had a good excuse though. I was looking for a cure for Hepatitis B - a disease which used to kill over 500,000 people a year world wide.

I succeeded, saving countless millions of human lives. I think there's a lesson there somewhere.

*Note: this may not have actually been me that did this.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:48, 15 replies)

Further to Mr Wicksy's comments
I declared a Jihad against craneflies many years ago.

Not only must I kill them when they enter my room, but I must also actively seek them out to destroy them.

The females are worth more points than the males, as every female is 100,000 future craneflies that will never be. Slightly off topic, as I bear them no malice and so am not cruel in my destruction of them. It is simply that they are unholy and must be stopped.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:42, Reply)

As a child
I was using the extra tubing from the vacuum cleaner as an improvised sword (as you do). Anyway, I swung it at an invisible enemy. Unfortunately, the end tube flew off and hit one of our two goldfish bowls. Being young and silly, rather than pick the fish up and put them into the other bowl, I ran to the kitchen and filled up a mixing bowl of water to put them in. By the time I got back, my mother had put the fish into the other bowl.

The fish lived, but I felt awful for treating them in such a shabby way. Until, that is, I realised that their tiny mockery of a brain is incapable of comprehending pain or suffering and that they are basically moist robots.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:38, 4 replies)

Talking birds
My mother had a job in a small pet shop in Lewisham when she was a teenager (some fifty five years ago!) and the most popular pet in the shop was a little Mynah bird, who'd enthusiastically greet "Good morning!" to people as they came in and out of the shop. This little bird was a fast learner, much to the innocent delight of all the customers.

The town hall had organised an exhibition and the local buisinesses were invited to attend and set up a small stand. Naturally, the pet shop owner decided that the little Mynah bird would make a great exhibit and was thus taken in its cage to the town hall the night before and duly left alone there while a team of underpaid and put upon workmen set about putting together the stands for the exhibition - closely supervised by the Mayor's wife.

The fatal mistake here should be obvious to everyone by now...

The peace was shattered that afternoon when my mother picked up the phone at the pet shop to an irate councillor.

"Would you please send someone down to collect your Mynah bird immediately. It's just insulted the Mayor's wife!"

Apparently, the little bird had the courage to repeat to the mayor's wife's face what the workmen had been uttering under their breath all night.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:20, 1 reply)

Shirley Bindun yet?
My hamster loved going for a ride in the car. So one day we are about to set off, when my Partner says he needs to go to the loo. For some unknown reason we leave the keys in the ignation. I decided to grab a drink of the clear stuff (Gin)

Well, the little scamp had figured out how to turn the car on, and move off! After reaching record breaking speeds (well, for a hamster) he crashed.

And spent 6 weeks in hostpital, making a remarkable recovery from possible brain damage

and the cruel part? I put the nail on the road, which caused the car to swerve to the right and land upside down.


Cheers

Jeremy Clarkson
(drain_bamaged, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:20, Reply)

Disco Dancing Doggy
This is a tale I pulled from the British Army Rumor Service. To save you reading the whole thing, this guy is a dog handler and had just returned, with his dog, from a successful operation and was in the local bar getting pissed. The rest is in his words....

Cheers

Legless

I don't know how this particular conversation started with one of the RE's ,but the upshot was,
''Of coursh ma frucking' dug can dansh, whashrish ?' and calling the dog over says,
'Dishco danshing shtime boy !'
His wee face would light up and he'd stand with his arrse towards me. I'd reach under him, gripp his knob and gave him a vigerous merchant bank. Once I'd got him started you could let him go and he'd dance around in a circle, ears back, look of oblivious bliss on his face and pump his hips back and forward like a piston !!
'HOORAY !! GO FOR IT STUMPY !!!!!' cheered the boys. And he would. The wee fcuker could get such a tempo going that, after a few seconds ...WOOF !!!..he'd come his duff over the floor to louder cheers of 'FCUKING YEAH, HOORAY, WOOPDY DO etc.'
Having finished his performance Stumpy would give his deposit a wee sniff, look round at the admiring faces and then, usually to cries of
'OOOOEEEUUURRRGGGGHHH !!!' he'd lick the whole fcuking lot up of the floor !!

Aye, he was the star turn that night, the only problem was that for the rest of thier tour, if I did'ny watch the fcukers, these Engineer cnuts would fire the wee twat up and have him bopping all over the place at every oppertunity and he'd be no more inclinded to work that fly in the air afterwards. The remainer of the tour was puncuated with,
'WHO'S BEEN WANKING THE FACKING DOG AGAIN !!!!'
and,
'STOP MOLESTING THE FACKING HOUND YA PERVS !!!'

Facking Engineers ? Facking perverts !!

The dog ? He loved it. Facking tart !!!
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:11, 4 replies)

I didn't do it!
Way off subject but so what...

When living at home my mother went out for the day and a few mates came round and decided they were gonna put my mothers cat in the microwave which I said for all I hated the thing was not on.

So as they tried forcing the cat into the microwave it starts freaking out fearing its impending doom. I am trying to pull its tail to stop them from nukeing my mothers cat (only as I knew this would end up in me being put into care or something).

The cat flailed about so much it managed to pull out the revolving glass dish that goes on the bottom and it smashed all over the kitchen floor - inretrospect this was a good move from corky.. we all let go of the cat who vamoosed outta there like a cat out of microwave hell.

We cleared up the broken glass and I just decided it was best to tell my mum that i had broke the glass while making some micro-chips. However when she came back and found shards of broken microwave dish on the floor, her cat missing (he never came back - i dont know why)and Cat hair inside of the microwave guess what conclusion she came to.. no matter how much i tried to convince her.



Edit : Please please please note that i didnt join in with this, I was the one trying to stop them - neither did the cat ACTUALLY get microwaved.. now perhaps if I put a pic on of a BABY in a microwave you lot would find it funny.. FFS people. The cat went off and got a new family about 3-4 streets off.. I beleive he is now a bank manager in bournemouth.. does that make all the cat loving yet children hating b3ta people happy?
(three inches of snarling death, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:10, 4 replies)

Two peas. Roasted.
Have some of this - www.b3ta.com/questions/guiltysecrets/post88555 - followed by a little bit of this - www.b3ta.com/questions/desperatetimes/post100082.

Shameless.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:08, Reply)

I rather enjoy
pretending I have something of interest in my empty hands...getting my dog very excited about what it could be, then throwing 'it' at the nearest wall.

I'm not sure what i find funnier, the way he runs full pelt into the wall and headbutts it, or when he then continues to try and find what i've thrown.

Actually, I think it's the fact I can do this 10+ times in a row before he gives up!
( SocialRobot, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:01, 1 reply)

zoo keeper work experience
A few years ago I thought I might like to get into animals, so I volunteered to help out at the local zoo. The consequences were dire for the animal kingdom.

My first job was to feed the pandas, Bing-Bing and Cha-Cha, one of the few mating couples in the west. So I gathered together a big bundle of bamboo, tied it with twine and left it outside their cave. By lunchtime they hadn't eaten any of it, so I grabbed the bundle and tossed into the cave. A day or two later, I arrived at work to see a camera crew gathered outside the cave and much agitation among my superiors. Apparently, some fool has tossed a bundle of bamboo into the cave just as Bing-Bing was going to mount Cha-Cha. The male had been concussed, then Cha-Cha had eaten the twine and choked to death.

Suspicion fell upon me and I was sent to work with something less responsible - the insects. It was a dull exhibit really, just a bunch of flies and spiders and butterflies and stuff. It was always sweltering hot in there and I was so uncomfortable that eventually I had to turn the thermostat down. Fortunately, feeding them was simple: they seemed to be self-sufficient. The spiders ate the occasional fly, the butterflies ate droplets of water or whatever and the stick insects ate bits of bark. Or so I presumed. Next morning, they'd all frozen to death because some fool had turned the heating off.

The finger of suspicion fell upon me and I was given the job of mucking out the elephants. This entailed shovelling great pats of shite into a wheelbarrow and taking it to the compost heap about a mile away. That seemed too much like hard work for me, so I just slung the stuff over the fence enclosing the elephants. Job done. Until I discovered the next morning that some fool had emptied a couple of hundred kilograms of elephant shite into the koi carp pond, killing all the fish.

That zoo was doomed from the start.
(frankspencer, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 9:51, 8 replies)

Sad, cruel, but true
From my student days, my friend 'Annabel' - (for that was her name) - discovered a new mathematical equation for animal cruelty. Namely:

(Alcohol + Hamster + Radio Controlled Plane) x drunken steering ability = 1 broken plane plus the mental image of what must have been a sheer look of terror on the small critters face moments before impact.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 9:50, 1 reply)

Wood laminate kitchen floor...
Two dogs.

Need I say more?
(ElitePlotter, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 9:37, 1 reply)

Frogs & electric Fences = accidental human cruelty
When I was fifteen, I came dangerously close to failing my first year of GCSE French - I think I actually got a U in three out of the four papers. My mother promptly utilised her full network of European connections, and I was sent to a Girl Guide camp in Belgium for two weeks. None of them spoke English as in Belgium, being a dual language country, they learn either French or Flemish as their second language.

The camp was in a field in the middle of Belgium. On the edge of this field was an electric fence - nothing prison camp, just a couple of wires good for keeping cattle out. The fortnight before the camp started, it had rained pretty much non-stop, and the campsite was a quagmire for the first few days. Amongst the mud, there were dozens of young frogs, happily hopping around, enjoying life.
I had a bit of a sadistic streak at that stage (some might say I still do) and I decided after a few days to try to electrocute a frog, just to see what would happen.

Well, I don't know what happened to the baby frog, but I got a fairly massive shock, enough to make me scream and twitch a bit for a few minutes. The Belgians came running and I had to try to explain, in U grade GCSE French, that I didn't know that it was an electric fence despite having climbed tentatively over it for the last few days (the toilet pit was in the woods on the other side of the fence), and no, I wasn't a masochist who enjoyed electrocution. Good times.

Moral of the story: don't try to electrocute other animals whilst you're still touching them, especially if they're wet and/or slimy.
( 100s & 1000s sprinkled on a cupcake on, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 9:36, Reply)

Colleague told me this one
Let's call him Gary, for obvious reasons. When he was a lad, his dad was in the marines and was stationed at Lympstone in Devon. They had a pet rabbit, Charlie, a particularly large breed called a Californian.

Anyway, when the time came to move, the next tour of duty was in Arbroath, which is how Gary ended up in these parts. His parents decided that they couldn't bring the rabbit for some reason, so asked around for someone to foster Charlie. A Polish family were happy to take him, so he was duly left in Devon, to the obvious distress of Gary and his brothers.

A week or two later, Gary and his brothers pestered their dad to phone the Polish family and find out how Charlie was doing, and find out if he was 'being good'. The true conversation was never relayed to the boys until many years later, but apparently it went something like.

Gary's dad: Hi, the boys wanted me to phone and ask how Charlie the rabbit was doing, and if he's been good.

Polish guy: Good? Oh yes, indeed. We ate him for dinner last Saturday - he was excellent. Thank you very much.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 9:10, 5 replies)