I

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 11:35, Reply)

CHRISTMAS

( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 11:30, Reply)

LAST

(McChinaman banned, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 10:44, Reply)

I was enjoying a family holiday in France in the 1990s when for some reason I decided to burn the neck of a wacky attention-seeking internet beaker from the west country.
He didn't like it.
( Zuowan, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 10:14, Reply)

The worst idea...
Drunkenly ringing my ex at 3 oclock on a saturday morning singing coldplays yellow, (as it was "our song") in a vain attempt to get back in her pants.

Jesus that was a low point.
(Pennisons Revenge All this trouble over squealing meat, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 10:09, Reply)

Voting!
Right, kids?!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 10:04, Reply)

I took a crazy chance.
Next time I'll be true.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 8:33, Reply)

I bought a Toyota Camry ...
... no supermodels, no massive drugs, and I can't do a decent roundhouse kick for love nor money.

If only I'd bought a different four-door saloon car from a different Japanese company.
( Ghoti Fingers, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 7:41, 1 reply)

Should've known better than to cheat a friend.
AND waste the chance that I've been given :(
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 6:36, 1 reply)

Coffee
I had an idea of buying some coffee that was advertised on a well known website that used to be full of satirical images, humourous comments and very well talented photoshoppers. Whence it arrived, I found that I was strangely drawn to "fingering" the coffee granules, leaving a brown stain on my finger. Ever since, I have had a ginger cunt prancing around holding a dog, outside my home, my work and even fucking where I shop. He keeps shouting something that sounds like "My dog's bumhole feels lush", or something like that.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Wed 30 Jul 2014, 23:31, 5 replies)

When my nephews built a skateboard ramp on their very steep drive,
they didn't believe me when I said skateboards were around when I was their age. So I showed them.

Luckily I broke my fall with my chest, thus avoiding grazing my hands, although I did break two ribs and couldn't watch anything funny for six weeks without suffering excruciating agony.

That showed 'em alright.
( fred zeppelin II: Electric Boogaloo, Wed 30 Jul 2014, 18:46, 1 reply)

I once saw a mate crushing up a paracetamol and rolling a spliff with it
I mean... why? In the name of all that's shiny, why? He even had a bag of weed with him, too.

Twat.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 30 Jul 2014, 13:34, 26 replies)

Expressed an opinion on an internet.
Boy did THAT not go down well!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Jul 2014, 10:02, 16 replies)

Posted some vaguely silly stuff on an anecdote based messageboard.
Turns out that was a mistake as someone grassed me up to my boss and got me sacked.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 30 Jul 2014, 9:00, 5 replies)

Inappropriate
Those stories below remind me of a story told by my stepson.

Apparently he and a friend made the mistake of taking a guided tour of Auschwitz while still tripping from the previous night's massive drugs debauchery.

Not what you think though, they weren't freaked out by an LSD induced exaggeration of the horrors of the final solution or anything like that, it's worse - the entire party had to endure the tour sound-tracked by their barely stifled giggling.
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Wed 30 Jul 2014, 5:24, 15 replies)

That 'story' below reminded me a bad idea from my youth.
~~~~~~~~~~wavy lines back to the early 90's~~~~~~~~~~~

It was Sunday afternoon and Ben and I were sat in his bedroom feeling very much the worse for wear from the night before, which had involved MASSIVE DRUGS, love, sweat and hard house.

Ben was moaning about the fact we would soon have to join his large family for a Sunday roast, and he felt far from up to it. I was generally agreeing when I had the most brilliant idea ever. I put it to Ben that if we split a gurner, it would perk us up, but due to the night before we would have built a little resistance, and we wouldn't be off our tits.

Ben agreed. We split the pill and smoked some fags out the window. Time passed and I did indeed feel much better, and better, and ohhh fuck this is good, I'm rushing like a twat.

And then it was time for lunch. I'm not sure what Ben's family thought of two teenage boys sitting at the table with them, both with a single spoon full of peas on their plate, as everyone else tucked into roast beef with all the trimmings. Ben was pushing his peas around with a fork as his jaw kept making a break for door, then changing its mind and making a break for the window. I, on the other hand, was keeping my face under control, but as I pushed that spoonful of peas around my plate with my fork, every minute or so, i would lean over to Ben and stage whisper,'Ben, you're a bad ass bastard shirking son of a bitch'. I'm not sure how long that went on for, but we were excused early and legged it up the road and into the woods.

To my great relief, none of Ben's family has ever spoken of it to either of us, which is nice.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 30 Jul 2014, 2:51, 3 replies)

"Let's Take MDMA and go to a Harvester"
You can probably spot the bad idea here. Those title words were the doom-laden words my mate Flobbo uttered at me one sleepy Tuesday afternoon. And, as the first in a long line of bad ideas, I agreed. The font of my poor decision-making continued to froth and spew as I accepted a couple of pills and a glass of slightly cloudy beer. I threw back the pills and took a sip.

"This beer tastes funny," I said.

"It's Australian," he replied. I shrugged, and downed the drink. "Oh, and probably because I spiked it with a ground-up Viagra pill," he added. My face flushed with terror.

"Exsqueeze me?" I asked.

"Yeah!" he shrugged, and his giant stomach shrugged along with him. "It's called SEXTACY! It's gonna be wizard!" he yelled. I stared at him in horror. What was he planning?

An hour later we presented ourselves at the door of our local Harvester. We were definitely on the way up, and swaying slightly. I could feel my blood start to reassign itself. A young man in a Harvester uniform approached us. To my utter suprise, he offered us a table for two.

"I noshed a bean!" I exclaimed. He gave me a Look.

"Is that a sex thing?" he asked.

"Not in this particular case!" I yelled.

"... I'll show you to your table."

Time passed, and as we approached the salad bar I found it increasingly difficult to contain my excitement. "Sweetcorn AND bacon bits?" I thought to myself, "truly this is a kingly salad bar." I looked over at Flobbo, who was trying to understand a bowl. Shrugging, I prepared my feast. I do not understand how I came to be naked, but resplendent and rigid, I began to ritually daub myself in thousand island dressing as I chanted my own name over and over again in increasingly erotic tones. My moment of triumph grew ever closer as I methodically "probed" each salad offering.

"This one's for the blessed Duchess!" hooted Flobbo as he exultantly shat himself. That was just too much for me, and I yelled Great Heavenly Mustard Michael as I blew up my own end straight into the cloth sections.

And that's how I ended up Assistant Manager of a branch of Lush. It's fucking shit.
(Frank Snow, Wed 30 Jul 2014, 1:00, 6 replies)

B3ta is not going to be a forum for wild libellous statements.
If you post stuff like this not only can you be sued for libel, we as a site can be sued. And we will all lose because it's not fair comment.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 20:11, 13 replies)

Life lesions
So what do you do if someone dares you to climb into an old oil drum and get rolled down a hill?

Top tip! You say "No" and then you say "Fuck off".

Because, you see, the thing is that whilst they make look all lovely and friendly, they're made of metal with the texture of a cheese grater inside. Plus, they're made of metal which means that they're quite loud when they roll. Plus they're made of metal and so have no padding.

I had expected to leap out, grinning and then have sex with Sarah.

What actually happened was that my friends started to drag me out and then stopped, terrified by the amount of blood. After I stopped crying, I realised that Sarah had gone home to watch Home and Away.

Women, eh? Fickle.
(csdaveuk, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 16:58, Reply)

I purchased some Pact coffee.
Unfortunately, it appears to be very popular with sex offenders, as they've all of a sudden starting hanging around outside my house.
( Muns, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 14:46, 5 replies)

This website called 'Your Web Reputation Solutions', using the old URL of a rather disreputable website.
www.b3ta.co.uk/
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 14:28, 5 replies)

Bad Idea: becoming a social media manager/expert

( $$ ✅, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 14:08, 12 replies)

Floppy disc drives, and me
Rebuilding an (obviously old) PC and I notice the following:

- I am le tired
- A floppy drive in a PC case under a desk in a bedroom in Scotland is rather dark and hard to see
- The guide plastic, which would normally determine which way up the plug goes in, has fallen off

Do these things deter my lazy, 15-year-old brain? They do not. Do you know what happens when you plug a floppy drive power cable in upside down and turn it on? FIRE. FIRE FUCKING HAPPENS.

Luckily it was just a flash of hotness and some smoke, which was no match for me killing the power and opening a window. Drive was buggered, obviously, but everything else survived.

As for the SECOND drive I incinerated with this method, I have no excuse.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Tue 29 Jul 2014, 13:18, 8 replies)

In Egypt
I was at a spice shop, looking for some ras el hanout. The young lad who was working there showed me a bag, and offered to let me lick my finger and dip it in the the spice mixture to taste its quality.

What started as an enjoyable holiday rapidly descended into a very regular series of mad dashes to the toilet where I surprised myself at the volume and looseness of my stools, punctuated by flu-like symptoms as I lay exhausted on the bed in the hotel room. Being stuck in a small cubicle pissing rusty water out of your sore, over-wiped pucker in 35 degree heat is not anyone's idea of a good break.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 13:13, 6 replies)

One more for the road won't hurt, will it?
We'll be OK to get to the airport in the morning - we'll have a pint of water when we get in.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 11:38, 5 replies)

At least I won't have to do a best man speech again
metro.co.uk/2014/07/29/the-worlds-heaviest-pole-dancer-has-it-all-in-her-locker-4812992/
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 10:22, 3 replies)

Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
Smoke a joint you find on the street. Or ignore the wet patch on it when you re-roll it.

*belms*
(McChinaman banned, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 8:12, 4 replies)