An E, a Vogue model and a flacid penis
An E, a Vogue model and a flacid penis. It really did happen. I will forever be gutted. You stupid man. A gourmet lunch, a drooling appetite. The image is burned into my retina forever. She was so beautiful, and now I am old.
(leggobeast, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 23:54, 11 replies)

The last girl I was in bed with..
..kicked herself in the head taking off her boots.
( The Lurker Plenty One, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 23:41, 7 replies)

I am so lazy.........
Can someone pearoast the rotted shark story (think it was one of humpty's).
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 23:08, 8 replies)

Its not sex thats the problem its the chuffing cats
For the last 18years or so MrsG and I have put up with a large amount of "cat nonsense". This has led to their eventual banishment from the bedroom at night. At one point we even restricted them to the Utility room but the horrible looks in the morning were enough for us to relent and allow them back into (most of) the house. The charges against them largely relate to their nighttime acquisitions:
1. Live mice - hahaha very funny that you want to chase live mice round our bedroom at 2AM when we want to sleep.
2. Live rabbits - have you heard the scream of a baby rabbit as it is being tortured to death on the floor near you? its not a very nice way to wake up.
3. Live birds - I think the phrase was "that bird seems awfully loud". Thats because it was sat on our windowsill (on the inside :-/ ); with three cats sat looking at it.
4. Cat fights. These along the lines of "I hate you and you will die. You may be another cat which lives in this house and I have lived with for years. I now find this time the most appropriate at which to kill you"
5. Cat jumping tests
a)wardrobe to bed.
b)floor to bed and see if we can miss the humans - oh; that does not seem possible; try again. Rpt
6. Dead things - the very worst was a dead rabbit on my pillow. I rolled over to discover this.
7. Live "lost" things - "scuse us be could you get our mouse out from behind that: chest of drawers, wardrobe, bed, bedside table - delete as appropriate"
8. Feed me now!
9. Wake up and play! No reason, but we're just a bit bored
10. I'm senile and need to yowl at the top of my voice in the middle of the night.
I might actually give up pet ownership - its not remotely restful.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:31, 23 replies)

not me
...this didn't happen to me but is worth a post. Back in school we had a friend called Mark. We were 5th years so about 15 at the time and one day he came in to school and said that last night he was lying bollock naked on his bed, pretending, god knows why, that he was pregnant, in labour, giving birth, queue lots of grunts, legs spread up in the air, push, push, push, push, push when suddenly his mum walks wondering what the noise is just as he with quite some force shits himself. Try explaining that one away....
( sutit only the crumbliest, flakiest posts, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:00, 5 replies)

I don't care how funny it looks
DON'T belch during a kiss. And even more important, even if your friend looks like a squirrel hoarding nuts for the Winter afterwards, DON'T LAUGH.

Cut to me, shivering in the street, looking through the bushes for my trousers.
(the Angry Gumball Harmless American, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:56, Reply)

not a sex/vomit story so move on
i'm staying at my parents in my old room, which has since been redecorated. it was very odd to wake up and to have the first thing i see being an oil painting on a bright pink wall.

wow. i'm that boring.
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:52, Reply)

Short but sweet
We were indulging in a bit of "tromboning" www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tromboning when I lost control of my fart valve and let slip a small one in her face.

She reminds me of it every now and then (daily)
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:22, 7 replies)

swingers club
should I tell this, shouldn't I, should I ?

ah fuck it!

ok, me and the wife in a kind of mutual dare went to a swingers club. One in Wirral, nearest us at the time, under the pretext of just watching and not getting involved. Yeah right.

I had in mind something like the masked ball scene from Eyes Wide Shut. All wandering around like Tom Cruise, remaining cool and detached and curious. Reality very rarely lives up to the fantasy.

1 bottle of wine and bus trip later we arrived, paid the couple fee (single women go free) and got shown around every room by a middle aged woman in what looked like a costumed tutu. Apart from the initial shock of passing people openly fucking in the orgy rooms we were shown a full on bondage session in progress. Nipple clamps with a dominatrix.

After getting dressed to the dress code (men in towels, women in sexy undies). We chilled at the bar and jacuzzi having a great time chatting to couples and various single guys and women.

Then we ventured upstairs to the shagging rooms. After watching a full on orgy we passed one of the rooms with one of the couples we met at the bar. They coaxed us in. We went.

Needless to say there was one bed and we swapped partners.

The most shocking part was how utterly bored I was during it. Despite my wife getting into it I was praying for the woman I was mechanically humping to come so I could get it over with. Mid way through she even turned around and said "when you're about to come pull out and do it on my back ok?" "yeah sure" I lied. Knowing full well there was no way I was going to climax.

It was certainly an experience, and the shocking part for me was how bloody bored I was by it. More disappointed in realising I wasn't the wild bohemian I always thought I was. Just a normal dull 'would rather fuck my wife' type guy. We both felt cheap afterwards, but had a bloody good laugh about it.


there, I said it
( Clay hopes this bit is long enough to promote my websi, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:04, 67 replies)

A quickie
I once accidentally poured a bottle of poppers on to my girlfriend's face during the making of the beast with two backs.
(Valentine_Sprake immanentising the eschaton since 1983, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 20:20, 9 replies)

She wasn't very happy, I can tell you...
After a night out on the pop with the second Mrs Roadieflip, we got home and was promised that i was gonna have a night to remember. Off tho the boudoir we went for some of that sweet lovin'...

All is going well as she disappears down south to play the pink trombone. Now, I must admit that she was an expert at this, so there were the obligatory noises and enjoyable squirming. She must have been going for a while, before she realised that I had gone quiet and still.

Yep, you guessed it. I had fallen asleep. That was her cue to smack me in the bollocks (apparently, I deserved it) and was told in no uncertain terms that tonight's 'session' was over and I would be sleeping on the sofa...

Length? I didn't get the chance to slip her another for a week after that...
(roadieflip Who nicked the jokes from my lolly sticks?, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 19:49, 5 replies)

chesty westy
Chesty Westy who had the "biggest chest in the west", (well at college) on her period with Big Steve shagging on my bed breaking half the slats during a party i threw one summer with my parents away. The blood stain on the mattress was about the size of a small South American country.
( sutit only the crumbliest, flakiest posts, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 19:35, Reply)

My friend
used to look after his uncles bedsit. This is essentially a bed in a room with cooking facilities and toilet attached. As it was in the centre of town it became something of a crashzone for all that knew him.

This meant that at any given night there could be up to 7 people sleeping in a tiny 7 foot by 7 foot room at all various angles. One night my friend awoke to find one of his earlier party companions on his hunkers in the corner of the bedsit moaning gently and pale as a ghost.

As he got up to investigate he soon realised that hunkered moany fellow was in fact trickling his own special brand of chocolate sauce all over his uncles bedsit. As if this wasn't bad enough it sent a turgid signal to my friends stomach letting it know that now was the time to evacuate all contents with immediate effect, over several other sleeping partygoers.

Nobody stayed there much after that.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 19:12, 2 replies)

Meh 2
One night. Things were getting hot and I decided to sweep the covers off the bed and throw the Lady down for a rogering by the sneaky butcher.

It did not quite work out that way. Her cat was in the covers jumps up and claws my cock . I start swearing and yelling and bleeding. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her so the mangy fucker bites me on the thigh.

The Lady is hysterically laughing at my plight so i run out of the house get into my car and drive to A & E, while there they call the rozzers because they think I was trying to perform bestiality.

I told the rozzers my story. One of them just started laughing the other one was just like "Be more careful with your genitalia sir."

Worse night of my life.

Still not sure how that cat got it in one hit though. My dick is so small I need a pair of tweezers to jerk off.
__________________
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 18:55, 1 reply)

Meh
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 18:46, 4 replies)

Extremely silent, extremely gifted, extremely weird Chinese roomate
He was... disturbing. I ended up sharing a room with the little feller 'cos I was the new bloke.

Not a word did he utter. He would just stand in the corner of the room twisting his greasy hair with his index finger, head tilted to one side looking at the floor, yet somehow looking beyond it. The smell of stale urine wafted generously around his person; his only possessions were a violin and a chess board.

And an air pistol. With which he took great joy at killing sparrows. The first time he actually spoke to me was after I walked in the room only to find him with a dinner fork in a bird's neck, saying to me in halting English and with a pained but curious look "I'm trying to survive it."

Days later we had some games of chess, at which he was very good, but after 5 or so games began to wilt; I saw an opportunity and put him in check. He looked at me across the board, picked up his air pistol and jokingly aimed it at my nuts. Assuming it wasn't loaded we both laughed and went on with the game, which he eventually won. In mock celebration he picked up the pistol and aimed at the wall, squeezed the trigger and off went a loud *crack*. His eyes went larger than mine... I still wince thinking about this.

One night I had consumed a bottle of Polish vodka, and puked it up again at various stages later, all over the rug between our beds. Later that morning I awoke to blearily see his little Chinese face hovering inches above mine.

"You... prat..." he said.

That was the second time he spoke to me.
(roysin, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 18:43, Reply)

No sex here, move along please!
A mate needed her bedroom decorating and I offered to do it as a favour. Oh noooo, she said, I'm having a MAN in to do it!
I was a bit offended but hey, it was her money, and I later had to admit that the MAN did a nice job.

A couple of years later she rang me in a paroxysm of rage. All I could get out of her was that I needed to get over there NOW and SEE what that BASTARD had DONE.

I rushed over and found her standing, glowering, next to her wardrobe, which she'd moved for spring cleaning. There was a huge patch of old paper on the wall, where the MAN had decorated up to it and no further. As her other furniture also concealed undecorated spaces, she couldn't reposition any of it without re-doing the whole lot.

This was the funniest thing I'd ever seen, although my hysterical laughter didn't go down too well. I don't believe I calmed down for a week or more.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 18:41, 2 replies)

Supposedly a teenage girl's room, circa 1971

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 18:29, 7 replies)

Taffeta, silk and liquid latex
I'd just met my partner and the two of us are into BDSM, fetish, etc.. He's a DJ in fetish clubs, so it comes with the territory. One night we remember we've got a can of liquid latex currently going unused and he decides he wants to paint my bum shiney rubbery black.

Unfortunately we were also rather drunk. As I knelt on all fours on my brand new crimson taffeta and silk duvet cover - a present from my Mother, I feel a sudden huge 'Slop' of cold, liquid latex over my ass. Quickly flowing over my ass, and between my cheeks. Down my legs... and all over the duvet. Followed by my partner going ''Oooooh... shit! I'm so sorry!'' He flicks the duvet cover back, gluing it together and spreading it further in the process. It soaked through the duvet cover and into the duvet itself and had to be scalpeled apart. The duvet still has a big black rubbery patch in the middle. The cover had to be binned. I never did tell my mother we had to bin her gift.
( Bathory, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 18:26, 1 reply)

When I was at uni in halls,
my next door neighbours from Bootle received a warning letter from the cleaning ladies regarding the ' wholly unhygienic depositing of used contraceptives in and around the room'. It turns out this included keeping them underneath his pillow!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 18:21, 1 reply)

Abrupt waking incident:
My wife and I, working students attending the university, did the typical 1970 mattress on the floor back then. She was supposed to wake me up so that I could get to my overnight job but did't watch the time closely. She shouted, "You're going to be late!"

I bolted up and took a step into a solid wall, which knocked me flat on my back. Even with the lights on and all, I immediately repeated the first act with the same result.

The third time, I did get up and out, grabbing my motorcycle helmet and putting it on to drive the car.
( tromboner cherophobia is my kind of fun, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 18:21, Reply)

"HURT ME!!"
When I lived in halls at uni, you could hear a lot of what was going on in peoples rooms out in the hall way and in our kitchen.
One night one of the lads had managed to pull some girl on his course. Sat in our kitchen, we could all hear the bed squeaking and then we heard
"OH HURT ME.. OH HURT ME... HARDER.. HIT ME...AGAIN... OH GO ON.. OOOH HIT ME"
*bang*
"NOT THAT FUCKING HARD YOU STUPID TWAT!"
then the inevitable slam of the bedroom door as she stormed out 10 minutes later with tissues covering her nose.
(FootOfTim, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 18:00, 4 replies)

Once, a girl let me do rudies with her.
But my thingy was so small and floppy she told me to go away.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 18:00, Reply)

Lizard sex...
My wife and I were 'messing around' in bed and all was going swimmingly.
My arousal was improved further when I felt my wife trace her finger lightly over my manhood. Except that her finger felt really cold. I then felt her 'finger' run down my leg to rest on my foot after which her finger emitted a delightful chirping sound. Knowing that she doesn't have chirping fingers or possess arms like a chimpanzee and realising that both her hands were actually elsewhere (kinda like when Leslie Neilsen got slapped by the mysterious third hand in one of the Naked Gun movies), it dawned on me that I had just enjoyed foreplay with a gecko.
I quickly jumped up in bed and a swift Bend It Like Beckham flourish saw the gecko flying across the room.
My sudden exertion resulted in a strange pain in my lower abdomen followed by a swelling appearing - at the same time as my preferred swelling started to rapidly diminish.

I'd done an inguinal hernia.

After an extremely long wait for the operation I was looking forward to a speedy recovery and some pain free hanky panky.
Well fuck my luck.
I've been experiencing incredible post-operative pain for about three weeks now...
...and my nuts feel like a couple of cans of highly pressurised condensed milk.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 17:59, 4 replies)

I once painted my bedroom magnolia by mistake...
It was a disaster - I meant to do it in antique-string. I had to do the whole thing again.

Plus I had to rip out the rigging, restraints and harnesses again.
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 17:55, Reply)

Ball Deep
I was caught caught ball deep in the then girlfriend by my mum looking for dirty washing. She let out a scream as she entered the room to find my little white bum bobbing up and down.
(BiggestNizzy your company name here pm for rates., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 17:46, 5 replies)

Have we done this before?
I suppose one such occasion is after a drunken night out, when I woke up, I thought a lot of the unsightly combination of hard vodka and pizza had been cleared up, until I opened the door to find a line of stale stomach acid and bile under the door frame.

Then I vomited again.

Oh, and once I got caught cybering with my then girlfriend.

That is all.
( Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 17:04, Reply)

a fine blended roast from irish bowels
Set the scene, I mum finally let my first girlfriend stay round and in the same bed as me. Great I hear you cry, mum works nights and Captaincuntybollocks is gonna get himself some good time teenage fumbling. My old man was out on the piss that night and I knew he would come back and cause a scene so I decided no to try and get my old boy wet until he had gone to sleep. Cue another three hours of entertaining my then gf waiting to bang the back teeth off her. The old man comes stumbling in at about 2am, the usual banter between him and himself goes on in the his cryptic northern Irish manner, which does make him sound like an Alsatian with laryngitis. but he finally fucks off to bed and ten minutes later it is followed by the obligatory thunderous Guinness and whiskey comedic fart.

Right, time to get to work. I put on my best wooing music, whispered sweet nothings in her ear, caressed her body with hands and tongue and then captain Birdseye slipped her the fish finger (such a teenage thing to do). After ten minutes of adolescent fumbling's in the dark I'm finally riding the camel toe wave and going at it like a mad possessed but always aware of doing it quietly.

Twenty minutes in and I'm on a winner but due to my intense concentration I was blissfully unaware of the impending incident. What happened next has probably mentally scared that girl forever. Due to my intense bedroom gymnastic workout I did not hear my drunken father awake from his sleepy hole. The fucker burst into my room, bollock naked, mumbling some bollocks about needing a fag and a piss and then proceeds to open my wardrobe, light up a fag and piss on all my clothes. he must have been drinking a lot that night because he was there for a while and lets not forget the usual semitone rise in another thunderous fart he let rip in my face. My GF was crying her eyes out and screaming while he was laughing like a drunken fool. He finished he pissed, muttered some more incoherent bollocks and left. GF wanted to leave and it took a while to calm her down and all time I was cleaning and comforting my gf all I could hear was his unbelievably loud snoring.

The fucker denied it the next day and my GF never stayed over again. from then on I put a lock on the inside of my room. But I have since learned that you are not a real man till you have pissed in your own cupboard while completely comatosed.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 16:59, Reply)

Warning, this story contains a model
To be precise a 1:24 Airfix Mosquito. I was happily painting the pilots chair when I was called down for dinner. In my eagerness for noms I mustn't have noticed I'd knocked over the paint tin. I did notice it when I went back into the room though. I used up all the paint thinner and paper towels I had but I couldn't get the worst of it out.
The property we were in at the time was rented and she’d had new carpets fitted just before we’d moved in so I was imagining the deposit disappearing. However, I wasn’t going to let £900 go without an attempt to fix it. Having plenty of paints I tried to cover it with a colour as close to the carpet colour. Surprise surprise, I made it 10x worse.
In a panic I tried bleach. This really fucked the carpet up. I was left with a crusty bleached patch in the carpet that looked like I’d had one off the wrist in there every day since we’d moved in.
Our landlady suddenly served us notice so I had 2 months to fix it or lose the deposit.
Using duct tape to pull the pile away from the offending area I measured and cut out the mess of carpet with a scalpel. I then moved the wardrobe and cut out a piece exactly the same size and very carefully glued it into place. If you got on your hands and knees you could see where I’d glued it but other than that it looked perfect. With the wardrobe covering the hole in the carpet no one would know till the furniture is moved.
We moved out last month and we’ve gotten the full deposit back.
I’m waiting for a very angry phone call at some point.
(TitanLX, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 16:51, 7 replies)