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This is a question Bedroom Disasters

Big Girl's Blouse asks: Drug fuelled orgies ending in a pile of vomit? Accidental spillage of Chocolate Pudding looking like a dirty protest? Someone walking in on you doing something that isn't what it looks like?... Tell us about your Bedroom Disasters

(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 15:14)
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swingers club
should I tell this, shouldn't I, should I ?

ah fuck it!

ok, me and the wife in a kind of mutual dare went to a swingers club. One in Wirral, nearest us at the time, under the pretext of just watching and not getting involved. Yeah right.

I had in mind something like the masked ball scene from Eyes Wide Shut. All wandering around like Tom Cruise, remaining cool and detached and curious. Reality very rarely lives up to the fantasy.

1 bottle of wine and bus trip later we arrived, paid the couple fee (single women go free) and got shown around every room by a middle aged woman in what looked like a costumed tutu. Apart from the initial shock of passing people openly fucking in the orgy rooms we were shown a full on bondage session in progress. Nipple clamps with a dominatrix.

After getting dressed to the dress code (men in towels, women in sexy undies). We chilled at the bar and jacuzzi having a great time chatting to couples and various single guys and women.

Then we ventured upstairs to the shagging rooms. After watching a full on orgy we passed one of the rooms with one of the couples we met at the bar. They coaxed us in. We went.

Needless to say there was one bed and we swapped partners.

The most shocking part was how utterly bored I was during it. Despite my wife getting into it I was praying for the woman I was mechanically humping to come so I could get it over with. Mid way through she even turned around and said "when you're about to come pull out and do it on my back ok?" "yeah sure" I lied. Knowing full well there was no way I was going to climax.

It was certainly an experience, and the shocking part for me was how bloody bored I was by it. More disappointed in realising I wasn't the wild bohemian I always thought I was. Just a normal dull 'would rather fuck my wife' type guy. We both felt cheap afterwards, but had a bloody good laugh about it.

there, I said it
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:04, 67 replies)
Well done you.
Crazy shit should be tried and then saved to tell the grandchildren.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:16, closed)
Grandkids don't to hear about grandparent(and in their minds wrinkly) fucking
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:21, closed)
But agreed
Kudos for trying new stuff
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:21, closed)
Hang on, I smell bullshit
How can it be a "couple fee" if women go free?

Surely it's just a bloke fee?
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:22, closed)

couples are £25
men £35
single women free

seriously fella, what possible benefit could I get from making this stuff up?
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:24, closed)
Well I never...
I'm from The Wirral. I had no idea!
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:25, closed)
calm down there, big lad
where did I say that I doubted your story? I'm just trying to get my head around the maths.

Nice ninja editing, by the way. Much clearer now.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:51, closed)
i think it was this part...
Hang on, I smell bullshit
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:17, closed)
fuck, now you mention it
there I go, casting aspersions again.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:24, closed)
no probs
and I probably was being a bit too defensive there, sorry. my bad.

from the intial post it does look a bit odd but it works out that if a man and a woman got in as a couple they could save themselves a tenner. It's also worked out, I presume, to allow an equal mix of both sexes by skewing the admission fee in favour of single women. we got there at around 10pm and left at 4am . we saw alot of stuff which I was going to put in the original post but given the outrage some of the people replying have shown, it was probably wise I didn't go into detail .
(, Sun 26 Jun 2011, 14:20, closed)
interesting website
Is this the place Tommy Sheridan was going to? Did you see him there?

You can't miss him, he's the same hue as that big bloke from the Tango adverts.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:03, closed)
It sounds
strikingly and completely real to me. been there done that - much more fun to go "dogging"!
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:07, closed)
I wish I loved my missus enough to shag someone else
Real respect, that.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:25, closed)
Read it again

(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:29, closed)
It didn't get any better

(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:30, closed)
Yep, still reads like 'I respect my missus enough to shag other women'

(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:42, closed)
the point being, we did it together, as a shared experience. If anything it made us closer
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:45, closed)
'Do you remember the night you watched me spunk in Annette's face dear?'

(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:50, closed)
You leave my missus out of this.

(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:54, closed)
and this is a picture of grand ma at the orgy nmming down on a monster cock ahh look you can see here eyes bulging in this one etc
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:55, closed)
I put it to you that if you have to think about doing something like that the bond is broken already
Now you just have a fuck buddy, not a wife. It's all rather sad and grubby really.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:54, closed)
sorry, to disappoint.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 21:55, closed)
You 've already said she was into it.
She was clearly somewhat bored with you.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:00, closed)
ha ha
again, nope, sorry to disappoint :)

I can sense how you really really need to think this though
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:03, closed)
It's not me who had shit time watching my missus getting royally shagged while not being able to manage it
Those pictures will be in your head forever. And the disappointment.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:08, closed)
you sound genuinely pissed off! I can only apologise for upsetting you
but the fact you're getting so uptight and bitter about this is beginning to make me wonder, and you know what they say about the ones that protest too much ;)

put on a Heinz Keissling lounge track on youtube, you'll be chilled in no time

I'm no expert but here's the thing. every woman has deep fantasies whether you like it or not. some women may compartmentalise them and hide them more than others. some may go through life never exploring them or even talking about them. but (in my humble opinion anyway) they're there.

If you ever get into a deep trusting relationship with a woman and she senses you are secure enough to handle it. she may, just may, open up to you about them. But from your attitude I don't see it happening any day soon.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:13, closed)
^ beautifully put

(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 11:24, closed)
That's right, bogusofficial, you tell him how he feels

(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 7:27, closed)

If you'd watch your wife have the time of her life with another fella, while not getting it up yourself, then I'll wager that's a better guess as to how Clay feels than this macho facade he's putting on.
(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 15:01, closed)
you'll have to teach me how you can read minds like that
I also see in your version I now seem to have been unable to get it up. So not only do you know what I'm feeling but apparently you were also there and are able to contradict my version of events. Impressive . bravo that man ;). basically my story is: man went to sex club / man got bored and wished he'd stayed home. yeah, I sound like a regular macho stud don't I?
(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 15:08, closed)
roll up for the great internet hissy fit roll up roll up

(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:08, closed)
Ooh, I've seen this one before! it's a good one...

Want some popcorn ?
(, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 13:16, closed)
Well done for saying it.
I've no idea why people feel the need to question how you feel about your wife or that love and sex cannot exist separately.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:09, closed)
around here for £25
you can have them exist any way you want
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:11, closed)
Everyone in the story was a consenting adult, there was no deception or law breaking or underhandedness of any sort.

I can't imagine why people think they have the right to judge.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 23:09, closed)
Because this is the Internet, that's why.
I refer you to this: www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/3/19/
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 23:54, closed)
Because QOTW regulars are renowned for their staunch moralist stance
or something like that
(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 0:08, closed)
I doth think they protest too much ;)

(, Sun 26 Jun 2011, 14:41, closed)
"despite my wife getting into it"
No man who loves his missus & LOVES fucking her would take pleasure in seeing her take great joy in fucking another man - if you say you do you're either deluded or lying.
Could we maybe have her ver. as a reference?
But kudos for giving it ago. Trust me it's a lot more fun when you're single.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:09, closed)
we had a good laugh about it afterwards, one of the turn ons for the wife, was the fact I was getting it on with another woman, and enjoying it (or so she assumed). Amongst other things. You'd be surprised the deep fantasies most people have if you're willing to take the time to explore.

it's just about listening, there's no great mystery to it

I also love how you seem to know more about our relationship than we do though.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:16, closed)

Dont worry - many of them are single and/or insecure and likely to remain that way. You do your own thing and dont pay any attention to the judges. Good story btw.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:22, closed)
What you think you're the 1st & only b3tan to have swung?
The only b3tan to have seen a wife/girlfriend getting it from a stranger while some strange woman does you?
I like your hubris.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:57, closed)
pffft, why do you assume I think that?
if you like my hubris, you'll love my hummus.

get a grip man, stop taking it so damn serious. chill :)
(, Sat 25 Jun 2011, 15:39, closed)
Have you thought that maybe you didn't enjoy the experience
that much because you didn't really like seeing your missus getting fucked by some strange bloke & really getting off on it? And not just putting it down to "boredom" (which to me seems as tho your externalising your reason for not enjoying - just my h.o.). Unless you are the type who regularly enjoys seeing their partner getting fucked by someonelse and genuinely gets off on it (trust me - I've known a few & from your post and replies that doesn't seem the case) then jealousy is a normal reaction in that situation and could manifest itself in all kinds of ways.
Could I have some chilli in the hoummus and some of those baked pita biscuits thingies, please. ;-)
(, Sun 26 Jun 2011, 23:18, closed)
Whilst you're arguing with us on the internet, she's out sucking off one of the local cabbies.

(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:22, closed)
My mate Barry heard from his mate Big Dave who heard it off a cabbie
that she loves doing herself with a big dildo while a stranger kicks her back doors in emotionlessly.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:39, closed)
Some of my mates 'swing'
have hosted parties and some go to and are planning on going to clubs, some have extra special 'friends' men or women who join them on occasion.
I see no problem with it.
Most of them have much stronger and happier relationships for it.
In fact, some of the strongest and happiest ones that I know of.
Each to their own. Long as everyone is honest and happy about it.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:16, closed)
I know some too, and they'd never screw behind each others back without the others consent. seems to work well for them and good luck to them. i'd never judge :)

but we're hardly hardcore swingers, we just dipped in one night out of curiosity. we've done some wild things together but this was definitely in the top 3
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:42, closed)
I fancy a bit of wife swapping
I could do with a new mountain bike .
(, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 23:27, closed)
That would have made
Swap Shop more interesting.

Keith Chegwin: "Just had a call and Colin from Leatherhead has a Diamond Back Sorrento with upgraded Shimano gears and brakes and wants to swap for fit, busty easy wife. If you have a fit busty wife and want a mountain bike, then give us a call on 01 811 8055"
(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 0:48, closed)
01 811 8055
has stuck in my head ever since childhood.
(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 1:08, closed)
That number was going through my head as I read SLVA's post...

(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 8:29, closed)
One for the archive AB...?

(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 0:45, closed)
Ha, he probably would put this in the archive.
He's like a sexual/relationship racist. This is different to my view of normal sex and relationships, so it either didn't happen or is weird and sad.
(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 4:42, closed)
ha ha
I like how a bunch of virgin school boys from the talk board use their vast experience of life to sit in judgement and throw scorn on what's posted here. Presumably normal sex to them is wanking to their Tomb Raider toys while their mums are making their dinners?
(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 6:37, closed)
^^^ This

(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 7:15, closed)

^ +100000000
(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 12:45, closed)
Yes, anyone thinking that swinging is a bit weird must only wank off to computer games, well zinged, ouch

(, Sat 25 Jun 2011, 11:22, closed)
Good story
(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 0:57, closed)
cheers matey

(, Sun 26 Jun 2011, 14:41, closed)
Also, surprising amount of angry old-school prudery being bandied about up there ^

You DISGUST me you CUNT and you hate your wife and she's A FUCKING SLAG anyway.

(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 16:56, closed)
wet chinned bag shanker telling it like it is

(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 19:26, closed)
ha ha
cheers, I have no idea. I seem to have crossed a line and offended the delicate amorphous moral code of the talk board regulars (taking the mick out of disabled people=good, sexual experimentation between consenting adults=bad). either that or their mums have banned them from playing their PS3s and they're bored.
(, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 19:49, closed)
Well told and well said Clay. Massive kudos for the post and your ( and the other ) patient replies.
(, Sat 25 Jun 2011, 10:19, closed)
Well told, sir
(, Sun 26 Jun 2011, 22:06, closed)
Good story
I think that it shows that you and the missus are pretty tight actually. The fact that you both did it as a shared experience shows that it was not about being unfaithful to each other.

All of you tossers who are giving him a hard time, stop being tossers. If this offends you, what the hell are you doing on B3ta?

T'is all.
(, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 17:35, closed)

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