Actually this is cheering me up immensely
After reading all the posts, I realise my life absolutely rocks.
(Kaer, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 7:14, Reply)

I went to a family wedding. My cousin (who was not the one getting married) hooked up with this guy at the wedding. She was supposed to fly back home to Australia after the wedding.

My grandmother thought my cousin had flown back to my Aunt in Australia and my Aunt thought that my cousin was still with my grandma.

It worked for about two weeks. Then there was a confused email exchange and they tracked her down at some bloke's house.
(mooncalf, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 5:17, Reply)

Ashes to Ashes
My dad had his friend over from australia, cus his mum had just died, got cremated, and he was there to pick up the ashes... I Was an impressionable teen at the time so i took his mums ashes and burned them
(Hazzard, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 4:38, Reply)

There's just so many
My family specializes in black sheep, but I think the funniest one was my cousin's wife. My cousin liked to drink and when he drank he punched walls (not people, I don't think) and his wife liked to drink, too. However, a judge decided this was bad for the kid she had brought to the marriage and so ordered her money supply cut off so that she couldn't buy booze.

So she knocked over a corner store. She got caught. Then she skipped bail. Not seen ever since.

My cousin adopted the kid, got religion, stopped drinking, and got remarried, so I guess all's well that ends more or less well.

Hmm. On my husband's side, well, his brother dumped his girlfriend of several years in order to take up with a lap-dancer who assured him that she wouldn't get pregnant, though neither of them was using contraceptives. She did get pregnant. I think now he sees the kid but not her. I'm not sure which of that pair would be the more profoundly black sheep, but my husband only occasionally hears about his brother through his parents, so his brother certainly qualifies.

//Tullia
(Tullia, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 4:22, Reply)

Black Sheep
I am. I read B3TA, no-one else does, especially not the Jehovah's witnesses side of the family. Or the Buddhists..... etc. etc.... or the Wife-beating alcoholic!!

I prefer not talking to any of them much.
(dissonance, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 0:10, Reply)

The only QOTW that hasn't had me laughing
If there was a black sheep of the b3ta family, this would be it.
(Hammer Time, Tue 18 Jan 2005, 23:58, Reply)

My schizophrenic great Uncle.
Committed mathematician, chess grand master and unmitigated lunatic.
(kusiemski, Tue 18 Jan 2005, 23:16, Reply)

Don't talk to me about black sheep
My dad. Christ, my dad is one hell of a black sheep.
I'm the oldest of his five kids, by 3 different women.
His family are Iranian, and are very close familywise - so much so that they're constantly lending him money for ill-fated business dealings (though he's now a postman). He repays them by not speaking to them for years on end (a few years ago my grandad came over from Iran - he'd not seen my dad for 15 years) and then turning up skint looking for handouts. One time his mum sent over a video of her asking how he was and to get in touch.
When he was married to my ma (I was only 3 when he decided to bolt), he gave away all her records that she'd collected from childhood as they were 'western' - and then promptly decided to gamble all our money away, leaving us with newspaper, that's newspaper, for carpet. His mum came over from Iran to give me and my bro clothes - she was that guilty about her son's actions.

I've not seen the guy for 2 years, my bro hasn't seen him for at least 10 years (Our Kid refuses to speak to any of 'that side' of the family). I wish I had his spite, I'm too nice...

Though I call him my dad, that's only in name and biologically. My stepdad is my dad, as far as I'm concerned, he brought me up, and that 'arsehole' (my mum's words) is just a name on a birth certificate.

Oh, and the time previous to when I last saw him, he was in court - assualt and battery, though the people he'd given a hiding were BNP scum apparently, which is probably the most honourable thing he's ever done.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Tue 18 Jan 2005, 21:28, Reply)

After a brief spell being mental in the 90s...
...it turns out the family black sheep is me.

Bollocks.

Just call me Flossie.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 18 Jan 2005, 20:02, Reply)

My favourite uncle
Before I was even a teenager, my "uncle" (mum's sister's second husband) had introduced me to alcohol, hallucinogenic drugs, firearms and hardcore pornography.

He was my favourite uncle.

As I grew older he made comprehensive attempts to fuck my mother, my sister, my female cousins, and all my male cousins' girlfriends. He recently attempted to fuck my wife-to-be (the wedding is in three weeks).

He is no longer my favourite uncle.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Tue 18 Jan 2005, 15:37, Reply)

LORD MONKEY
Quelle small world! 'Tis Sal here....

How are you and Aleks? Not heard from her for ages.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 18 Jan 2005, 15:20, Reply)

my charming cousin
an adorable geezer who loved his crack and smack combos. after running out of available veins in his arms, neck ,feet and groin decided to inject his fix into the back of his eye. (a wise choice of location to say the least) after a phenomenal rush and several weeks of ensuing agony he developed complications and lost his eye. NICE
after serving several years at her majesties pleasure for a string of offences including indecent assault ,he decided to try his hand at dealing (ketamine and crack) alas he came unstuck when 3 local yardies burst into his filthy bedsit one evening and proceeded to burn him on various parts of his withered body with a red hot wire coathanger in order to discover the location of his stash and cash.
he is now serving a 5 year sentence for attempted armed robbery....the joy
some mothers do have em!
(bovrilboy, Tue 18 Jan 2005, 13:22, Reply)

mmm, black sheep
After getting the lowest score in a sociology As level in the history of my college, they asked me to leave, cue large bender ending up in south America with a stupid tatoo. Then moved to France and after another bender woke up next to "crazy Spanish Chick" who i was engaged to ??? with yet another tatoo...managed to disappear luckily, by ignoring her for 6 months. Now in England joining the army. Safely to say, my university loving, normal family dont talk to me much. Taxi for one?
(i love pie. Maybe too much. like mc hammer Cant touch this, Tue 18 Jan 2005, 10:50, Reply)

You Think You've Got It Bad?
Nobody's spoken to me for years
(Black Sheep, Tue 18 Jan 2005, 10:33, Reply)

best fun since the war
As there seems to be a lot of depressing stories going on right now thought id try and cheer people up.
A friend of mine has got bipolar disorder what used to be called manic depression. As some may know this can run in familes and sure enough his grandad on his dads side was and is the same however it seemed to have skipped his dad who is a respectable accountant. Anyway I digress.
One fateful day my mate decided to go for a bit of a jolly with his then GF a lovley lady called mad Jo and his grandad, cue plenty of drinks and a little drug use (not by his grandad though) around his local area. To cut a long story short he got into many adventures including shagging Jo in a pub toilet then having to kick the door down thinking they were locked in it, being thrown out of Toys'R'Us because Jo was simulating sex with a giant teddy VERY loudly and graphicially and various other fun and games. The evening ended with my mate carrying his grandad on one shoulder and stumbling with Jo home naked as he had sensibly burried all his clothes in the nearby park so the police if they caught him wouldnt know who he was (no wallet no ID you see!). Somehow finding home he chucked his guts up fully in the sink and over the kitchen floor and passed out in his bedroom with Jo after putting his grandad to bed. Que mum and dad giving him a verbal bashing in the morning abut all of this when a neighbour pops round to drop off his clothes from the park where she walks her dog.
Complete with touge lashing from parents and hangover from hell my mate not in the best of ways wanders to the pub to escape only to find his grandad pop in an hour later to say the imortal words "don't worry lad best fun Iv'e had since the war!"
Well suffice it to say he was a black sheep for a while but mum and dad later forgave him and now he is again the golden boy.
Ahh parents aint they great!
(Druss, Tue 18 Jan 2005, 9:46, Reply)

Bus thief
My auntie (now 75) was a bit of a tearaway in her younger days. One of her antics was to go to Victoria Bus Station drunk with some mates after closing, nick a double decker bus and drive it down to Brighton - in 1947 (God only knows what the Daily Mail would have to say about that if it happened today). Became a single mother in the 1950s (shame! shame!) and her son became extremely successful and famous (though I can't tell you for obvious reasons, but you've heard of him).

Still a good laugh at 75.
(lolwhites, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 23:38, Reply)

FAO b3th
My fiance is also a tog and we met by chatting away in the togs chatroom, and on the togs site..... maybe we have spoken before.....my tog name for my sins is Dwayne Pipes (and I go in as Doctor Who.... and also the Penguin...)
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Mon 17 Jan 2005, 23:22, Reply)

faux fits
At the hospital, we test the validity of fits by speculating out loud on how big a urinary catheter we should insert. That brings a lot of fluttering eyelids and "where am I?" nonsense. and hey presto! the fit is over.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 22:31, Reply)

Black sheep
Our black sheep is called mary. She lives on our farms and eats grass. We make black gloves and scarfs out of her wool. oh... you meant a metaphoric black sheep....
(Musk ox hygene inspector, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 22:08, Reply)

might be me...but im not worthy
My mums cousin is crackhead prostitute, who no one has managed to see in 4 years, yet she has succesfully dropped all of her newborn kids on her mothers doorstep, but what really takes the biscuit, is the fact that she named her last sprog (a boy), wait for it...BJ.
Not a flinch, snigger or giggle from the rest of the family, except from me, who promptly got screwed at- one point to me on the black sheep score.

Go to visit my nan after avoiding her for the best part of 18 months- however, those 18 months were my 'rebel but it wasnt really my fault' months; get arrested because my b/f had dope on him, get accused of joyriding after im in a car crash, get various body parts peirced, get sacked from work for swinging a meat cleaver at some pervert who grabbed my arse etc
Im getting loads of hassle from them (the family), so i decide to go out with my cousin- cue point 2, maybe 3.
My cousin being the gobby little slag that she is, bottles her ex at the pub, puts a brick through his car and just generaly causes more trouble than she is worth. Being the only sober person able to control her, i put her in a headlock, and we are both screaming at each other; guess who got a ride home in the back of a meat wagon :)

This Xmas was eventful, got pissed cooking the dinner, and Aunty Anal and co are coming round (she is a complete bumpkin, but puts on a posh voice, turns her nose up at just about anything, cleans like she has OCD, and her only child is the most spoilt little turd i have ever met). Cue lots of "cant stay long", "must get back", and "oh, thats...different" 's.
Being out of my tree, i cant control my tounge, so out comes "OH FUCK OFF HYACINTH BUCKET, NO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK"; my mum wasnt suprised, but my dad and uncle havnt spoken to me since

and today, i left 6th form :-) so no one is talkin to me



Baaah baaah baaah
(cookie_freak, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 22:06, Reply)

me
I'm just generally crap
( SiX and his hat, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 22:04, Reply)

Flames coming at you!
I am the black sheep of my family because I am gay!

I was really "flames coming at you" gay, when I was growing up.

And everyone EXCEPT FOR ME, seemed to know that I was all the gay.

I wonder why that is?

They never could beat it out of me though.

I was the gayest 10 year old you ever knew.

For my birthday, I wanted sandals. I wanted "bell bottoms." I wanted David Cassidy!?! I'd steal my sister's dolls. And cut off all their dolly hair! Those dolls were butcher than me after I was through with them. As well you can imagine, these and other unacceptable behavoirs caused a great deal of concern in the 1960's in America, for my poor stressed out parents.

Strangely enough, I turned out to be fairly butch?

I wonder why that is?
(Drunkendragon, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 21:24, Reply)

My uncle Geoff, the ultimate Eighties business man.
I was well impressed with my uncle Geoff as a kid. He was well spoken, confident, obviously well-heeled, and drove a 7.7-litre Jensen Interceptor. They don't build 'em like that no more.

Anyway, having divorced my aunt and left their two kids to grow up as delinquents (older of the two kids was expelled from school at fifteen for stabbing another pupil) I learnt that he made his fortune as a timeshare dealer back in the Eighties. For the very young b3ta readers, being an timeshare dealer, especially in the Eighties, was not entirely disimilar to being a cocaine baron.

What am I talking aobut? I love the guy.
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 20:04, Reply)

Lil ol' me
so far i am the only person in my family not to get awesome GCSE grades and Awesome A levels (i got a D and 3 e's). I'm going to an old polytechnic uni and i haven't had a successful relationship since i was 17. whereas my brother is married with kids and working as a consultant for a mahoosive company, my sister is one step away from running a department at CERN (eruopean particle physics) and my sister in on route to oxbridge.
(Bored, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 20:00, Reply)

Not sure we do...
the closest would be my homosexual 2nd cousin (i think he's a second cousin) who has a live-in boyfriend who (*possibly*) was underage when they met, and is treated like a skivvy for him (small-time slave to those who don't know the word)
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Mon 17 Jan 2005, 19:30, Reply)

My evil sister
is definitely the black sheep of the family.

She ran away to British Columbia at the age of 18 instead of completing her highschool education. She came back a year later in a stolen car being driven by a drug-dealing, convicted rapist (we found out later) boyfriend. She lived in my parent's basement with this psycho until she got pregnant with her first child a few months later. After giving birth, she moved back in with my parents intermittently because said boyfriend was abusive. She then got pregnant by him again, and went back to live with him.

Sometime shortly after child number two was born, the boyfriend dissappeared, gone back to B.C. She started getting migrane headaches and became addicted to prescription medications. She was not able to properly care for her children, so they were often left with me or my mother or my grandmother or random neighbours. She had no job, and was living off of welfare and a string of boyfriends who she used for their money.

After spending about 8 years on welfare and still without a highschool education, she got a job as an accounts manager with a snowmobile leasing company. She seduced the owner, and ended up living with him and his kids from a previous marriage. All went well, until she started cheating on him and he kicked her out. She destroyed all of the bookkeeping records before she left the company.

She then moved into a squalid hut with the man who she was having an affair with. She was admitted to hospital several times because he was beating her. She finally moved out, and got a job as a cleaning lady. While working, she met a tree doctor, "fell in love", and moved in with him. They started their own company. Things went pear shaped when his kid seriously beat up one of her sons. Queue more allegations of abuse from her, and she left after much nastiness regarding the business and the house which they had bought together.

Then, she got into into a car accident. Her injuries were fairly minor, but she still managed by judicious use of fraud to get a large settlement from the insurance company. While she was waiting for the payout, she stayed with my mother, where she proceeded to damage my mother's house, beat my mother, steal her passport and other possesions, and not contribute anything to the household finances. My other sister and I, feeling that this was a bit much, went to my mother's and evicted our sister. We also took responsibility for her children, who not surprisingly, have some major issues.

That's it up until the present day. Keep in mind that I have given the most general details: a lot more took place that I didn't add. She has had at least 20 live-in boyfriends in the past 14 years. She also still has her drug addiction, now charmingly paired with alcoholism. Needless to say, we don't talk, and I have no plans for a future relationship with her.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 18:27, Reply)

Not me, but...
Legendarily, a friend's brother disappeared from his family for a while, went off, didn't hear a peep from him for a few months until he turned up on Christmas day and said 'Are we 'avin a munch?!'
(tomshave, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 17:49, Reply)

My Aunt Linda
Variously mental over the years as she's into the whole spiritualism malarkey, but several moments that stick in my mind over the years are when she threw some magazines I had featuring previews of an upcoming zombie game in the bin, declaring them "tools of the devil", or more recently, when I advised her away from giving money to a beggar, to which she replied, "It could be an angel testing you." Quite.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 17:46, Reply)

My mother
1. Told us the ice cream van was the spinach van.??
2. Told me that if I continued to chew the paper corners of my books it would turn into glass and cut me open from the inside out. (Still have disembowelment nightmares)
3. For being generally wild and crazy and not very motherly-ish - read....sauced.
(Peelmytangerines, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 17:11, Reply)