Lottery Laughs
When the first National Lottery draw happened way back in 1994, I was a student living in halls.

The hype about the lottery was huge and we all trooped off to buy our tickets at the local newsagent. Come the night of the big first draw, we huddled round the rented TV, desperately clutching our tickets out of that shithole.

But there's always one - one idiot who'll try as hard as they can to spoil everyone's fun. In this case it was an oddball called Sam Regis, who carefully calculated his paltry student loan / grant payments on a spreadsheet and loudly declared that he would not be playing the lottery as he couldn't afford to lose 10p, let alone a whole pound.

After listening to Sam Regis moan for far too long, one of the rugby club jumped him, sat on him and threatened to piss in his mouth if he didn't chose six numbers from 1-49 immediately and join in. Poor old Sam rattled of a series of digits relating to birthdays and significant dates and soon the rugger bugger left him alone.

Come the draw - yes, you've guessed it! Sam Regis' numbers came in - and if he'd bought a ticket, he would have won nearly a grand. Ha! How we laughed.

I'm sure if he saw this qotw, he'd be posting this story from his own point of view. If he were still alive, that is.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 17:09, 41 replies)

I wish I'd had the foresight to use my favourite comedy website as a dating service
I could have been married to a gin-raddled mental with arms thicker than my waist by now
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 16:46, 16 replies)

Missed opportunity to win ££££££££££££££
When I was a student my housemates were the sort of blokes who place bets on things, including the Grand National. I'm the sort of bloke who's never even stepped foot in a bookies. They were trying to convince me to place a bet on the Grand National and I said, "Nah. I reckon it probably won't even happen this year, the IRA will probably phone in a bomb threat or something".

And that's exactly what happened. If I'd placed a bet on the Grand National not going ahead, I could've won a shit-ton of money. But I'd also probably have ended up being interviewed by the police about what exactly I knew.
(Smogo, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 16:04, Reply)

I missed an opportunity to sneer at the depressingly low expectations of people whose major regret is missing out on a bit of easy cash.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 15:52, 10 replies)

Another opportunity missed to make loads of dosh
I went to Reading Festival with Banksy in 1991. This was the pre Banksy normalish guy we shall call RG. We weren't bosom buddies he was a friend of a friend but we had a laugh together.

Fast forward a few years and some great graffiti started appearing around Bristol. I liked it, it was funny, anarchic and looked great I didn't know it was RG, until I met him at a communal graffiti wall at Ashton Court Festival. He told me about his Bansky work and about running from coppers and the price of paint ;o)

Fast forward a few more years, it's no longer RG I bump into it's Bansky. He had a studio next door to another art ponce that I knew. I was going to ask him for one of his rat stencils sprayed onto a bit of wood, but this was in the early 2000's and I was taking a stupendous amount of MASSIVE's and I kept on forgetting.

Fast forward to recently when someone sold a piece of wood with a rat stencil on it for some ridiculous eye watering sum of money.(20 grand or something like that)

I know the inevitable response will be 'Banksy is a load of shit' 'he's a wanker' etc. It doesn't matter how much of a dick you think he is or if he painted CDC's in various shades of magenta. I could have sold something he would have easily have given me for free for a stack of cash. Free money is always good. I could have invested it in loads of shades of pink paint and some art canvas and started a new avant garde guerilla CDC campaign

Although I probably would have sold it when it was worth a few hundred, unaware he was going to make the world piss themselves as soon as he even looked at a spraycan.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 15:16, 7 replies)

I had a bath, but didn't take the opportunity to piss in my own mouth.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 14:21, 1 reply)

The legend that is Brian Eno
was a fairly regular customer at the west London music shop where I worked during the mid-nineties. I'd been noodling about with a four track at home for a while and had created an odd little demo tape of rough instrumental ideas, a copy of which I gave nervously to Mr. Eno on the off-chance he might like some of it.

Sitting behind the counter strumming an acoustic guitar a couple of days later, Brian Eno walked through the door and said to me, "I really like your tape, can I keep it?"

"Of course," I replied.

"Play me something," he said, gesturing towards the guitar I was holding.

"Erm, my fingers aren't really working today," I replied. Idiot.
(Haywood Manley, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 13:55, 5 replies)

Drink! Girls! Feck!
My naïve eighteen year old self: Would you like to come up for a coffee?
Cute blonde occupational therapy student: I'd like to come up but [small pause, eyes lower] not for a coffee.
MNEYS: Oh, sorry. I've only got coffee. Another time?
CBOTS: Yes. Maybe. See you.

Twenty years later, signals from my penis finally make it through to what I laughingly refer to as my brain

My slightly less naïve thirty eight year old self: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(ubergeekian, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 13:43, 2 replies)

I could've had an image featured in the B3ta sick jokes book
But I really couldn't be bothered redoing it, to remove the copyright infringing stuff, due to there being no money involved.
( Muns, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 12:41, 8 replies)

Someone once asked if I'd like to accompany him to the bookies,
And I politely declined, thus blowing my opportunity to be one of those sad fucks that gambles, and who then wonders bitterly why people they know are millionaires when their own life has turned to shit.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 11:18, 21 replies)

I was in at the early days of computing, pre-internet and mobile phones.
I was offered a development job with a large company but I thought I could do better by getting together a small team and building from there.
OK I made money but I often wonder how it would have turned out if I'd gone with the big boys instead of forming Microsoft.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 4 Apr 2014, 11:18, 1 reply)

Hot girl i missed out on
I was going to post a long winded and rather interesting story about missing an opportunity of a life time that i still kick myself over to this very day.

But i realised it would have ended up sounding self deprecating so i decided not to.

oh wait....
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 11:14, Reply)

Not an employment story, rather than a financial opportunity lost
Between the years 1989 and 1994, I picked the winner, and several placed horses, in the Grand National.

However, due to me being young (read: skint), my maximum bet was £5. Or, rather, this was the most I was willing to risk on a random choice

I knew/know nothing about race horses, or did any research prior to the race.

Whilst I won, relatively, very little, my boss copied my choices and, by the fifth year, won a couple of grand, but gave me fuck-all. I left that piss-poor job in 1994, and haven't picked a winner since.
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 11:06, 1 reply)

Most Expensive Piss Ever
A long story short, I was in a pub in Ireland that sold scratch cards at the bar and I was queuing up to get a drink and some scratch cards. I left the queue as I really needed to piss and when I returned, someone else had joined the line and taken my place and I was now standing behind them. Turns out he was the guy sitting at the table beside us and we were chatting to him for a while, so we continued to in the queue. All is fine. Anyway, we got our drinks and scratch cards and sat down. A few minutes later he taps me on the shoulder and asks me to check his card, saying that he thinks his eyes are playing tricks on him. I do, and right enough, there are three 50,000 symbols on the card. He cheers, stands up on the chair and exclaims his good fortune to the bar, everyone cheers for him and he buys everyone in the bar a drink to celebrate. I sit there, smiling and wishing him well through gritted teeth. That was the most expensive piss I ever took. Damn my bladder the size of a grape. Why couldn't it be the size of a Terry's Chocolate Orange?
(Paddy2, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 11:01, 6 replies)

if not for cruel fate I could have been Queen of the Netherlands

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 10:38, 2 replies)

I was asked to an interview with a competitor of ours for a job, in the early 2000's.
but as they were a mega corp and I have always worked for smaller companies, I politely declined.

Six years later they were bought out by another company, and the staff, who had all been participating in a share buying scheme got to cash in their stakes.

I have no idea what I would have made. The boss guy made over $100 million, and almost immediately retired. I guess I would have made well into 7 figures, by what I heard about other people.

I think the decision I made was right, I would never have hacked it, but fuck me.
(username failed moderation, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 10:18, Reply)

I got off with this girl - thought I was well in.
Turns out it was my sister.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 9:54, 2 replies)

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
Ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal
Non, rien de rien
Non, je ne regrette rien
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 9:20, 20 replies)

About half a cupful after a particularly enthusiastic rimming.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 8:22, 4 replies)

After coming home from the pub I could have just gone to bed. Instead I fucked about on the internet and drank more beer.
It's now gone half six in the morning. Do I win £5?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 4 Apr 2014, 6:38, 4 replies)

Tch! Typical!!
I missed the opportunity to be the retired owner of an extraordinarily successful bricklaying empire, when one fateful day near the end of term I was asked by the school career advisor what I was going to do when I leave school.

“I’m going to be a bricklayer” I said. “Oh no you’re not, not with six ‘o’ levels” she said. Within half an hour I was enrolled on a local tech course feeding into the Quantity Surveying racket.

So here we are n years later, I’m a very averagely paid and overworked wage slave whilst all the bricklayers who had even the slightest bit of financial nous about them (admittedly there weren’t that many) formed a company, cleaned up in the housing booms of the 80’s and had retired to the South of France before the 90’s were done.

Meanwhile, I still have to argue over how to calculate the area of a fucking triangle to subcontractors who rock up to the office in Humvees or Bentleys and park next to my Focus.
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 3:18, 5 replies)

Hints at Illustrious Job Provenance
By former failings at much better ones.
(Bonanzo Best Before:, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 0:18, Reply)

£25 for that?
In the final year of sixth form, a friend asks if I'd like to go to a gig. It'll be great, he says; it's in London.
"Who's playing?" I ask.
"Well they haven't really announced that yet."
"Hmmmm," says I. "And how much is it?"
"£25..."
"HOW MUCH!!!???"
"...but that includes coach travel from Shropshire!" he reassured me.
To cut a long story short, I baulked at paying that astronomical fee for a gig in the 80s, even if it was all for charity. I believe Bob Geldof and his showbiz mates put on a good show though.
(Mr McKenzie Mr McKenzie, Thu 3 Apr 2014, 23:21, 11 replies)

I missed out on getting in on the ground floor of push button phones
I told them "What kind of idiot can't use a rotary dial?"
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 3 Apr 2014, 22:24, 1 reply)

I still don't understand how he managed this one.
The friend who first taught me to photoshop had a long standing desire to emigrate to New Zealand with his family. He also wanted to do what he did best, and mess around with pictures all day long.

So when he was offered a job in New Zealand working for a new film company who were rumoured to be planning a remake of King Kong, I was quite surprised when he said to me that he'd only accept the job if they were definitely doing King Kong. When they told him they couldn't disclose what film they'd be making next, he turned them down.

He's regretted it ever since, as he's always been a big Lord of the Rings geek. Poor bloke.

I ended up working with him a few years later and he was not a happy individual...
(teasus likes tea, Thu 3 Apr 2014, 21:55, 14 replies)

New gambling career
In a previous life as a bookmaker, I was employed by a company and loving it. Being paid to watch sport, getting tips, free tickets to most sporting events on days off.

But as most people do, you read the industry paper for better, bigger jobs.

I applied for two. One was for a small betting firm of 10 people who wanted to revolutionise gambling by removing the bookie. The other was for a stats company of about 4 people. Having done statistics at uni, I thought this could be great. Both gave me interviews, one at 10 am, the other at 5pm on the same day.

I needed to stay in London, so a mate offered to put me up. And of course we went for a pint. Which turned into 2, then into about 6 and off clubbing in London.

Didn't make it to the first one, still asleep. They eventually wore me up about lunchtime and asked if I'd like to come in that afternoon. I said no thanks and went back to sleep.

Went to the second and had to rush to the loo to throw up. They wanted me to stay, I did and must have impressed as they still offered me the job as assistant Statistician, but I felt that bad I apologised and turned it down, then left.

Well, the first firm became Betfair, and are the biggest betting exchange company in the world. The second became OPTA stats, and I eventually got to know the bloke who got the job I went for and he's now rich.

TL:DR, getting hammered once cost me 2 great jobs.
(Strump striving for imperfection since, Thu 3 Apr 2014, 21:23, 4 replies)

"Breaking Bad" cars
I have a distant cousin who sells and leases used cars in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and because of his command of the market, he became a supplier to the TV show "Breaking Bad". (Film companies require two exactly-matched cars for their purposes, and finding matched pairs of battered old cars is hard.)

Last spring, he decided to capitalize on the show's popularity by selling Jesse Pinkman's red Toyota Tercel and Mike Ehrmantraut's Buick Century on E-Bay (with a large part of the proceeds earmarked for charity). News of the forthcoming auction went viral once it was picked up by TMZ.

I didn't think to make serious bids myself, because this was pricey car collector territory, but I thought maybe I should make joke bids. I couldn't get my EBay User Name/Password to function, however, and instead of persisting, I dropped the effort.

The two cars sold for pathetically-small amounts. Even joke bids might have won. Sony Pictures was displeased when they heard of the auction and had almost all the other cars of the series cubed and sent on recycling boats to China. Serious money, goodbye!

www.ebay.com/itm/Toyota-Tercel-Base-Jesse-Pinkmans-car-from-Breaking-Bad-/261263999944?forcerrptr=true&item=261263999944&pt=US_Cars_Trucks

www.ebay.com/itm/Buick-Century-Custom-Sedan-4-Door-Mikes-car-used-on-Breaking-Bad-/261264132598?forcerrptr=true&hash=item3cd48e49f6&item=261264132598&pt=US_Cars_Trucks#ht_500wt_975
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 3 Apr 2014, 20:16, 7 replies)

So I went round to Dennis Hopper's house for tea
and we were having tuna - lot's of it, fresh from the insanely hot griddle.

Blah blah, I blew the biggest Hopper's Tuna Tea or something, I can't be arsed making it work properly.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 3 Apr 2014, 19:41, 3 replies)

I saw ITV Newscaster Lucy Meacock
out shopping in Chester one time. I, still to this day regret not pointing to my crotch and shouting "LUCY! Me COCK?"
(yeswehavenopasties, Thu 3 Apr 2014, 19:34, 5 replies)