I spell out Allah with my streaky bacon.
And I'm not even a Buddhist.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 19:25, 16 replies)

One Way Ticket Booked!!
its been a while so go gently...

I was 16 years old and at a house party at someones house (who I probably didn't know) who's parents were away. Que the obligatory underage booze-fest!

Anyway whilst stumbling around the house I happened upon an unconscious girl - I should have covered her up and made sure she was OK, but I just couldn't pass up on this chance of some fresh finger sniffing action!

I shoved my hand down her nickers - only to find an old school fanny rag - it was like a fucking huge albino rat - horrible.

Anyway - I thought fuck it, ripped the rat out of there and finger rapped her right there for a good 5 seconds!!

she was probably under-age as well!

regrets - loads but not that!! Rock and roll!
(Clit Ninja is having a white space party!, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 19:02, 39 replies)

I once threatened a girl about going to Hell
My parents sent me to a Catholic elementary school, not because they were beliebers, but because it was two blocks away from home. The school was quite liberal, I wasn't even baptised but they accepted me, as long as I took RE as a compulsory subject. I didn't mind, but I used every chance to troll people with religion, such as asking our RE teacher why we had to go to church on Sundays if God was everywhere (to this day, I still think Matt Groening somehow got into my head and stole that from me). I do feel guilty about one trolling attempt: there was this fat, greedy girl in my class, and as I was a bit hungry in recess and had finished my snacks, I went to her and ask for some of hers. As I had foreseen, she refused to share her massive amount of snacks with me, so I told her that if she didn't share her food with me, she would go straight to Hell when she died. As she was only about 8 or 9, she got very frightened and started crying and ran to the teacher (a very sweet Spanish nun) to ask her if my threat was true. I got told off by the not-so-sweet-anymore nun, but at least the girl shared her food with other people from time to time.
(Angiespagne At home she's a tourist, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 18:50, Reply)

I've missed how the whole shed thing started...
..but I just wanted to say that I also have a shed, complete with a dog run on one side and it has a partition across the back end of the shed for the dogs to have an inside area. The dogs don't use it anymore since there was incident involving an electric fence, electric collar and dog biscuits.

If boring the shit out of everyone with a dull QOTW answer or accidently causing my 2 dogs to repeatedly electrocute themselves are 'burn in hell' offences then I'm f*cked. Otherwise, nothing to read here...move along.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 16:21, 14 replies)

My favourite song
20 years ago I was in a metal band and wrote a song about how I was going to go to hell and burn.

Kind of an ACDC vibe and backing vocals in brackets.

The chorus went:

I'm going down (down, down)
Straight down to hell (Hell yeah)
For stealing the bifta bus
For stealing the bifta bus
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 16:16, Reply)

I'm an aetheist but if there's any justice in this world there is a hell.
Here is my confession b3tans. Forgive me for I have sinned.

I don't do MASSIVE drugs. I am more of a vegetarian in this department but being a human being I have occasionally strayed from the path of righteousness.

One fateful evening, having been offered and accepted vast quantities of the devil's dandruff at a party, I returned home to my front yard where one of the local bitches was looking after her kittens. Now whilst technically stray they lived in our yard and were quite tame (It's the tropics, they were warm) and they were normally quite happy with me picking them up.

So with eyes like 2 ketchup and egg yoke streaked greasy-spoon-cafe plates. I picked up one of the kittens gently by the scruff of the neck and peered into it's little eyes. It hissed at clawed at me, I freaked out and threw it to the ground in a Colombian-fueled freak out. It got up and wobbled off and I went to bed.

The next morning I went out to the yard and the kitten was dead. My wife immediately blamed the local tomcat that had been bothering the kittens and I nodded severely and said "Fuck that tomcat".

For this, if there is a hell, then I will be set on fire by Satan only to have the flames doused by the kitten pissing on me. Once the wee thing's wee has subsided, Lucifer will then re-light the fire and put on repeat for eternity.

I do realise that on the internet, this is worse than admitting to pedophilia. I promise I'm not a potential serial killer. Flame away, it's the least I deserve.
(lurkylurklurk swings more, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 15:33, 6 replies)

Because I played nudie prod games with the the secretary of the University Christian Union
My mate was knocking off the president, at the same time.*

Man, those fundie girls really get off on guilt!



* not literally, as far as I know. I mean at the same period in our lives
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 15:16, 3 replies)

I once
...tore an unborn baby out of a woman I'd just murdered and ate it.

This definitely happened.

Also, sheds.
(rampants, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 14:02, Reply)

I built another shed.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 13:19, 2 replies)

The post two posts below this one
isn't by me (apparently you can have two accounts with the same name).
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 12:53, 9 replies)

Wavy lines back to when I was 10
A girl in the year below gave me a Valentines card. In front of her friends and mine, I tore it up in her face.
It was a horrible thing to do and at that moment my arse was booked as the devils pencil shapener for eternity.
(TitanLX, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 12:52, Reply)

Im proud of writing a shit book, does that count?
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
(Battered., Mon 16 Jul 2012, 12:20, 4 replies)

I'm not sure I am going to hell
But if I am it must be because of the clown.
( Adolf Hitler last de-lurked, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 12:12, Reply)

I built a shed.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 10:39, Reply)

Why, this is hell
nor am I out of it
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 9:59, Reply)

I called
Heroes, Game of Thrones, Lost, Spartacus and the Battlestar Galactica reboot shit.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 9:33, 2 replies)

I claimed
that the Earth moves around the Sun.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 9:12, 4 replies)

when I was young, I was fascinated by the dark side and the occult.
Brought up by Roman Catholic folks, made to attend church, had choral music pumped out of the (admittedly good) family stereo every weekend day by parents who were brought up to be God-fearing Christians.

My brother rebelled first, by stopping going to church (even after we'd gone through the shadow moves of saying 'Oh, I went to the 07:30 mass' (which was shorter as there was no sermon), or 'I went to the Sunday 17:30 one (different town but you know how these quasi-social organisations interknit and make contact and recognise people and will say to your parents if you didn't show up).

I eventually followed my brother's example and stopped going at about age 16. Ooooh, rebel rebel etc. but my brother took it to the next level. He started listening to heavy metal and wearing Iron Maiden T-shirts, and while I understand that Eddy the 'ead is not so much satan incarnate, El Diabolo did put in an appearence on the the cover of Number Of The Beast, with its' '666' theme and so forth, not to mention the backward introduction to the Still Life track on 'Piece Of Mind' album, which was nothing more intelligent than Nicko McBrain's patois impersonations when played the right way around (double backwards backwarsd).

As I heard these tracks more and more I liked listening to the musical stylings of The Iron Maiden and picked up my brothers' bass guitar, played along and really got into them. Played along, got the t-shirts, went to the concerts. METAL!

This was at the height of me working on a paper round ad getting my wages paid after my Saturday round, then walking out of the newsagents with £6 (1984-ish) and past all the comics. 2000ad jumped out at me. The demeanour, the attitude, the artwork... oh, and it also does other strips than Dredd.

Engrossed in the publication, while listening to Iron Maiden play 'Number Of the Beast'(chorus lyrics include "666, the number of the beast, hell and fire are sure to be released"), my stern Catholic mum caught me reading 2000AD, the page being Nemesis the Warlock (his subtitle being "I am the deathbringer") where he had a baby son Thoth (Egyptian god of knowledge, so heretical to a Catholic) who was referred to as a homunculus (alchemical, therefore magickal, therefore paganic, therefore un-christian, therefore BURN THE WITCH etc.)

Which is why my mum ironed my Nemesis the Warlock tshirt and accidentally turned up the heat to FORCE PLASMA on the steam dial and melted his face. Gut reaction, I suppose, for a stern Catholic.

Me: "Aww mum, what happened to my t-shirt"? asked I.

Mum: Fidget. Twitch.

Mum: "...I accidentally burned it while ironing it. I'll give you the money for a new t-shirt if you want".

Me: "Oh. OK. It was £6".

Mum: "Here's £6 out of my purse"

Me: "Thanks. OK, I'm off to buy the same t-shirt again" said I.

Mum: "NO YOU CAN'T!"

......

Mum: "....because I don't like it....it's EVIL."

Me: "OK.... can I get another t-shirt instead?"

Mum: "Just no more satanic image worship t-shirts"

Totally got a Live after Death t-shirt instead.

1.bp.blogspot.com/_CvAgMMGRTbE/S9ENUy0COAI/AAAAAAAAAF0/VxOoIt3q9lo/s1600/Live+After+Death-P.jpg

Oddly enough she didn't rate that t-shirt highly highly worthy in the 'Jesus will personally welcome you into the afterlife if you are wearing this at the pearly gates' league table either.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 16 Jul 2012, 1:17, 8 replies)

This dyslexic athiest
wasted his life denying the existence of Dog.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 1:05, 3 replies)

I won't burn in Hell
But my history teacher told me that, based purely on my appearance, I wouldn't have survived in Nazi Germany.

So there's nice.
(thePontificator, Sun 15 Jul 2012, 17:36, 7 replies)

Yes, yes I am.
In my mid teens I was involved in a group playground incident, where the insufferably cocky & annoying kid with MS got his comeuppance.
And by MS I mean he was completely able apart from fucked legs.

He'd crutch his way around school, talking bollocks and constantly trying to wind people up and for some reason found me and my friends the most enjoyable to pick-on- preferring lunchtimes to bait us.
Due to him being disabled all the teachers would turn a blind eye to it, and if you tried complaining were given advice on tolerance.

One particular lunchtime he'd preceded to follow us around the yard, generally picking on each of us in turn when one of our number realised there was no-one on yard duty keeping an eye on him.
So we made our way over to the end of the playground where the binsheds were, and when he was close enough we grabbed him and escorted him into them.
They found him an hour and a half later; we were all bollocked and given a weeks 'litter duty'.


I still laugh when I remember this, that's probably why I'm going to hell.
(rickster999, Sun 15 Jul 2012, 16:29, 1 reply)

I done this to my mums garden table
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylW7eOvt4Tg
( Fadgebadger (1 like), Sun 15 Jul 2012, 15:25, Reply)

i only eat cheese on thursdays

( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sun 15 Jul 2012, 14:51, Reply)

Gonna Burn in Hell
When I was a younger man than what I am now, must've been the early 1980's, I was into CB radio. I met some people down in the Welsh Valleys, and was invited back to this familys house for a cup of tea.
Anyway, when we went inside the guys house a typical terrace house, there was a Budgerigar in a cage by the door. The guy said he'd had this bird for about 5 years and it was his best friend! (I know...typical Welsh, they love their pets!) he proceeded to make me a cuppa, whilst I decided to curry favour and talk to his budgie through the cage... "Whose a pretty boy then?"..."Hello Bobby!".... "Who loves his Daddy?"..... When and I still don't know why I did it... I made a cat meow sound through my teeth, where upon Bobby the Budgie appeared to have a massive heart attack and fell off his perch!
I didn't know what to do, so in panic I reached into the cage and propped dear departed Bobby against the side of the cage, on top of his feeding trough. I quickly sat down as the guy brought me in a cup of tea. For some strange reason he didn't check the bird on the way back in. It was all I could do to keep him off the subject of budgies or sex with sheep, and I quickly made my excuses to get out of there sharpish, and never to return.
As I drove away leaving the guy on his doorstep waving goodbye, I thought if there's a hell I'm gonna burn. Worse than that though I turned on my CB radio, and there's this irate Welsh voice yelling on the open channel "That Bastard Killed My Fucking Budgie!!!"
I turned the radio back off for at least 2 weeks, and it seemed to go away.
(MrFaberge we didn't burn him!, Sun 15 Jul 2012, 11:17, 1 reply)

If there is such a place, I am going to hell because
I was ordained on line with a church that allows atheists like me to join, thus mocking the religious views of weak minded fools who still believe in Bronze age myths.

I have been told by some Religious Groups that I am evil and am damned to burn because I have a wife.

I also gave up vegetarianism and eat pork, I swear, curse and blaspheme.

Finally, I was told off by a Vicar late last year for wearing a black metal T-Shirt in a church. I was at the practice for my sisters wedding, which she being a good Christian type and marrying a Catholic, insisted had to be in a church. Also being a good Christian type, she had a bitter divorce less than a year later. I am going to burn because I found this funny!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 15 Jul 2012, 10:46, 18 replies)

I once got a clip round the ear'ole from my gran for whistling on the Sabbath
and another when I ejaculated a "Jesus" in surprise.

I always assumed that was it, I'd paid the price. Not so sure now.

Other Sabbath infractions include relatively minor 'wearing wellies' and the absolutely heinous 'going fishing'. A crime so severe that a neighbours 6 year old came running out of her house shouting at us to not get into the boat because her mum had told her 'God will kill them'.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 15 Jul 2012, 9:50, 3 replies)

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 15 Jul 2012, 7:14, 8 replies)

I've shown my cock to old ladies, farmers wives and school children.
I've held it aloft and shown off its colours and I've even been known to stroke it in public. A large crowd actually applauded my cock on one occasion.






Its a lot of fun winning best in show at the local poultry shows.
Of course we sacrifice it afterwards to His Satanic Majesty.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Sun 15 Jul 2012, 1:43, 1 reply)

I'm going to hell for deleting my original post.
This question sucks balls.
One can either post a crappy religious based joke, an insipid story or a good answer that will lead to flamings, and everyone calling you a lowlife scummy cunt.
( Edenmonster, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:44, Ignore, 15 replies, latest was 5 hours ago, I like this!)

How right Edenmonster is.
(The Curse of Millhaven. Pretty little mouth underneath all the foaming, Sun 15 Jul 2012, 1:07, 20 replies)