Someone called me up to ask if I was an average member of society like Dick and Harry
But i wasn't a Tom
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:58, Reply)

Someone called up to ask if my meter gauge train was up to scale
But i wasn't HOm
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:54, Reply)

A publisher rang me the other day
to see if I was a large academic volume of work.

But unfortunately I wasn't a tome.

For the love of god make it stop...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:52, 1 reply)

Someone called up to ask if I was the greatest Chinese-American chef ever to live
But I wasn't Hom
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:51, Reply)

My wife had been cheating on me
So I rang the Shakespearean Marital Affairs Helpline. They kept me on cuckhold for ages.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:49, Reply)

Someone rang me up to ask my stories of Call Centres..
But I didn't have anything amusing to tell, so i gave them a bad pun instead...
( bluemeat has been best of all the animals since, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:44, 2 replies)

Here to help
I was feeling really, really down the other night, things hadn't been good for a long time. So I decided to call The Samaritans. Turns out that even their call center is now offshore, Pakistan to be precise.
I got talking to the guy and ended up telling him that I was feeling suicidal.
He got really excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.




One ticket please...
(DoppelFrog Twice the frog, twice the fun, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:44, Reply)

Someone rang up to ask if I was a village on Orkney just south of Kirkwall...
But I wasn't Holm.
(gordonjcp, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:29, Reply)

Fake Tech Support Calls for murdering Doctors!
pearoast? maybe i posted this before....

We used to work for an undisclosed Software company that supplied GP Surgeries with their back office software (no, not the BIGGEST that most surgeries use, for them in the know), anyway one of the doctors surgeries we supported was a certain 'Doctor Shipman' of the Manchester area fame. Around the time of the investigation, we'd often log bogus calls on the support software and pass them to that support team, calls along the lines of

"The Doctor has murdered a patient and would like to know how to edit the patients record and change the 'Cause of death' field."

Ticket to hull please?
(TheManofScience, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:29, Reply)

I got a call the other day from the human to vinyl conversion society
Unfortunately they didnt leave a message after the Be EP
(kebabking - salad and garlic mayo pls, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:26, Reply)

Somebody phoned to see if I was being worn this season
But I wasn't in.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:26, Reply)

Somebody rang to ask for an Irish-born portrait and miniature painter, one of the founder members of the Royal Academy in 1768.
But I wasn't Hone.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:24, Reply)

!!!!
Someone from a call centre rang just now, asking if they could speak to a renowned Scottish philosopher, economist, historian and key figure in the history of Western philosophy and the Scottish Enlightenment.

But I wasn't Hume.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:18, 4 replies)

I hate myself and all of you for this and Shirley Bindun, but
Duncan Bannatyne and Peter Jones phoned yesterday to see if I wanted to make an investment on Dragon's Den.

But I was out.

*kills self*
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:14, 5 replies)

wah wah
Stonewall called me yesterday!

But I wasn't homo.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:09, Reply)

!!!
A surrealist rang me this afternoon.

But I was Zsa Zsa Gabor.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 10:59, Reply)

Recent one my mate told me about...
...but not exactly a sales one. My mate works as a corporate trainer and is an NVQ Assessor to boot. One day recently he had a call from an admittedly nice lady in the education board to canvass his opinion on plans to give the whole NVQ shebang a makeover.

From what he told me, it went something like this:

NICE LADY: {after detailing various technical changes which didn't sound too unbearable} And finally, we're going to be changing the name.
MY MATE: Well that would be welcome - National Vocational Qualification can be a bit of a mouthful.
NL: Yes indeed - the favourite in the office right now is Certificate of Competence.

Think about it for a moment, as my mate did.

MM: I'm sorry, but that's a joke, right?
NL: Why no, we're deadly serious. Why would you think it was a joke?
MM: Well let me put it this way - if that particular name change goes through then I and hundreds, perhaps thousands of others are going to have to walk around with "COC Assessor" printed on their business cards. And that's saying nothing of the mountains of, if you'll pardon the expression, nob gags that students will come up with.

It has to be pointed out that my mate is in point of fact an ex-boyfriend of mine and also a little camp in his conversational style, so this just added to the hilarity for him.

NL: Oh I see. We hadn't thought of that.
MM: Indeed. You may as well rename it to Certificate of Competence & Knowledge, then the abbreviation will at least be a bona-fide acronym.
NL: {laughs} I see exactly what you mean. Well, that's definitely given us something to think long and hard about.
MM: {unable to control his mirth now} Oh, you're just digging the hole deeper now.
NL: Oh goodness, I'm awfully sorry {laughs again}. Well, we'll, er, do some serious thinking about the name. Suffice to say that Certificate of Competence will likely be a no-no from here on.
MM: That's a relief - I'm glad that I could help.
NL: Me too, that would have been very embarrassing if no-one else has spotted it in time.
MM: Oh yes. Well, unless there's anything else...
NL: No, I've taken quite enough of your time today. Thanks again. Bye.

Foresight is a gift that not all possess but all should, for sure :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 10:28, 2 replies)

Tenuous link, but this made me almost piss myself when it happened...
An old housemate of mine was selling her bedside cabinet in the local paper. As soon as the ad went in, her phone started ringing just about non-stop. It was like she was a one woman call centre.*

My housemate was getting very annoied. The men who kept phoning were, well, coming out with some incredibly pervy shit that made her feel dirty and used - this girl actually went to church and, as far as I knew, had never had a cock in her in her life.

Then we had the paper delivered. I scanned the ads and realised what had happened. And then I started pissing myself. Somebody at the paper had made, what we technically call, a bit of a fuck up.

The ad read: One Night Stand for Sale - Please tel. 07***********

True story.


*There you go; tenuous linkage to question there for ya!
( SpankyHanky, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 10:26, 4 replies)

Someone called the other day and just went 'ng' 'ng'
Nothing else, they just wanted to phoneme.
(kebabking - salad and garlic mayo pls, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 10:18, 4 replies)

Just remembered another one:
At my friend's house, phone rings during dinner. His dad gets up to answer it.

Dad: Hello?
Cold Caller: Hello, to whom am I speaking?
Dad: David's Dad.
Cold Caller: Right, good evening. Can I interest you at all-
Dad: Let me stop you right there.
(pause)
Cold Caller: Ye-
Dad: I am eating dinner with my family. It's a three course sunday roast with all the trimmings and the gravy is especially delicious. After this we will probably drink wine and eat tiramasou for desert, before settling down of an evening to watch a film in the comfort of our living room, as a family.
Cold caller: What?
Dad: Have a nice day at work *click*
(thePontificator, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 9:35, 1 reply)

While helping out on the insurance claims hotline...
Fuckwit: "So let me get this straight, my TV IS covered against accidental damage?"

Yours truly: "Yes, Mr Fuckwit - your policy clearly states blah blah blah - insert mind-numbing boring insurance-related twatty bollocks here - blah blah blah."

Fuckwit: "My TV's broken, it won't switch on. I've had it for years n years." (Sounding incredibly chuffed with himself).

Yours truly: "I have to remind you you're covered for accidental damage, not if the TV just wears out..."

Fuckwit: "Hang on -"

SOUND OF MY HERO PLACING THE TELEPHONE DOWN, SOUND OF MY HERO THUDDING ACROSS THE ROOM...

CCCCC-RRRRRR-AAAAAA-SSSSSSS-HHHHHHHH !!! SMACK !!! SMACK !!! SMACK !!! CCCCC-RRRRRRRRR-AAAAAAA-SSSSSSSS-HHHHHHH !!!

SOUND OF MY HERO RETURNING TO THE PHONE

Fuckwit: "Oh, did I tell you the screen's broken?"

Yours truly: "Errr... no... Erm... You didn't..."
( SpankyHanky, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 9:24, 1 reply)

Merican call centre monkeys.
"You have a good evening now."
After a patronising half hour trying to get the website live.
Cunts. The fucking lot of them.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 8:35, Reply)

Monitors
I used to work for a tech support company in the UK. One day one of the lads asked me to help out on a call. A user was having problems with their computer. Had two screens, but couldnt see any of their icons etc...

Asked the Service Desk guy, if they had done the usual checks, reset policy/ profiles etc... check.
So i eventually took the call.

Me: So describe the problem for me.
User: Well I have two screens but i cant see my icons, they are normally on the left. But i cant see them.
Me: Ok, im just going to put you on hold and check a few things.
I then doubled checked, yup i can see everything in their profile.

Me: Hello again, so tell me what you were doing when this happened...
User: Well, I was working on this computer and it was fine, went away. Did some work on another computer (roaming profiles) which worked fine but then when i came back to this computer my icons had gone...

Ok, im quite puzzled here. So got the user to describe again what was happening on their computer...

User: Well my screen on the right is blue like it normally is, but the screen on my left where the icons normally are is dark, nothing is there

Me: Dark...?
Me: Um.. is there a little light on the bottom right of the screen?
User: No.
Me: Ah... can you try pushing the power button on the screen please
User: Ooooh there they are... what was the problem?
Me: Just need to put you on hold a moment...
YOU STUPID RETARDED CUNT!!!
Me: Right.. well it appears that the monitor was turned off. bye.

Yup, the screen was switched off. The worst thing was, I was talking to a copper.
(Fishbone-didi, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 8:24, Reply)

Blackberry Tech Support
So I work with Blackberry devices and I get a call from a prissy teenage brat. I see in the notes already that her daddy has called in twice to get a new device, but she is at college and he doesn't have the phone with him, so we can't fix it. Because her problem is her blackberry says "jvm 503" on the screen and that is a software error. You download some programs to your computer, plug your phone in, click a couple buttons, good as new.

She wants a new phone. I explain the issue. She wants a new device. We go back and forth. Eventually she says she isn't even home so she can't reload the software. I ask if she has a PC at her college, she says yes. I say, "Well perfect! We just need that and the cable and we're all set." Of course she doesn't have the cable. Or a cable to something like a camera. And none of the thousands of other people on campus do either. Right.

So I go to my supervisor to ask for permission to send out a new device. Boss is in a bad mood and tells me to put $5 on the account so that she can buy a cable. This will go over well. So we argue for a while longer, then the little teenager asks to speak to my supervisor. FINALLY. I can get off the call.

Wrong. Supervisor is on break, so I go to the next level up. Bigger boss doesn't want to deal with it, tells me to replace the blackberry. BUT I'm not to credit any shipping. Guess where this leads?

More arguing. First the brat doesn't want to pay for shipping, then she wants to pay on a credit card but not have it go onto the bill. Like that will happen. If we charge you, it appears on the bill, end of story. So we argue for some more, then she finally accepts she'll have to pay shipping.

I'm about halfway through our little "terms and conditions" mumbo jumobo, where they tell you if the phone got wet you pay for it etc, and suddenly she tells me to stop. She is going to contact her lawyer.

Whatever. Just get off my phone. Here's the address for our legal department. Have a nice day. "Oh no, I want their phone number too" she goes. Umm, lawyers only do written correspondence. You know, the whole "we've got it written down so its proof" kinda thing. Now she "knows somebody in the company" and will get the phone number.

Good luck, even I don't have one. I hate americans.


On a lighter note, we were slow one day so I tried to play a prank on my boss. I called him over and told him I had a guy on the line who's phone shocked him every time he used it. But he really liked it and wanted to get one for his buddy. Boss looked like a deer in headlights for a minute before I let him in on the joke and we had a mild snicker about it. Then my next phone call comes in.

Girl is using her headphones and it is shocking her ear. Epic irony.
(bbtech0251 - ignorant american divvy, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 7:01, 3 replies)

They're not all that bad
When I was younger, I landed a 6 month stint working for DEFRA, more notably, the SPS lines. It was my job (and a hell of a lot of other peoples as well) to have a look at claim forms which had not gone through the system and work out any faults.

If needed, we would contact the clients and sort things out over the phone, 90% of the time it would go without a hitch. Maybe the odd comment about when they would get their money, or could we call back at a more reasonable hour (we worked the "late" shift, 5-9). 5% of the time the clients were brilliant. Good manners, well spoken, got the information together very quikly. But the other 5% of the time, the clients were just awful. They were rude, sweary and demanding they get their money soon or they would sue us.

The most memorable of the great 5% group was a man who had shared half his land with his brother. I called him up, explained who I was and what the situation was and could I get some information. He said it was no bother but it would be a few days as he was going for Chemo for his Leukemia. I don't know what happened but I just said "oh, sorry to hear that." The man laughed and replied back with "Ha, don't worry about it. Had it for 5 years now and it's not like i'm going to drop dead tomorrow" We had a chat and I said I'd call him back in a week rather than a few days.

A week later I called back, straight away he recognised my voice and asked how things were with the ex (I may have mentioned we weren't doing too good, stupid I know) He gave the information and the forms were sent through no problem. After the call ended, so did the shift and I left that place smiling, I even told the team leader what happened and he said he loved having calls like that.

On the other side of the phone though, I've had the (dis)pleasure of speaking with 3 broadband. While I may not be the most tech-savvy person on the planet, I know enough to get me by. One day while on the net I got cut off, a few minutes later so did my girlfriend and about 5 minutes later one of her friends called to ask if her broadband had been cut off as well. I decided to call up 3 technical support to see if there was any works going on which could affect the broadband signal. I first called up and spoke to "Rupert" who was trying to insist that it was my computer at fault and would need to change some settings.

We had that lovely conversation where I was insisting that I was sure it wasn't the settings as it was working a moment ago and haven't touched the settings since a week before it crashed. "Rupert" was suggesting I change the settings before he looks to see if there is any maintenance work being carried out. It was then I decided to cut my losses, hang up and try again.

Three times I had to call back before one person told me there was maintenance being carried out to improve the coverage and overall speed, and that it wasn't my settings. (I think it was that at least, his accent was very heavy and he spoke very fast)

Anyway, I feel like i've been typing on here for half a decade at least (and the beer ain't helping at all) so better head off. Nothing really funny, or interesting when I read it back, but there you go. It's just the luck of the draw about whether the next call-centre convo will be good or bad. I always try to remember the good conversations, raises a smile or two.

apologiesforthelengthbutitmaybeaproblemwithyoursettings. Letstryandsortthemoutsoyoursettingsarecorrect.
( Jinxy13 is hating the S key, right about now., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 5:54, Reply)

The Do Not Call Register ...
For those of us lucky enough(?) to live in Australia, there is this absolute Godsend called the Do Not Call Register.

It is exactly what it says on the tin. However Telstra (Aussie version of BT), the shower of bastards that they are, occasionally think that this restriction doesn't apply to them. They were recently fined a whole 9 shillings and tuppence for ignoring it.

You can't stop Mumbai Mumblers using a power-dialer however. In that case, I just hand the phone to my 5yo daughter. Takes the silly buggers ages to work it out and keeps my wee one amused for hours. Score.
(Que?, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 5:11, 1 reply)

I used to work on a helpdesk with a South African fella
and he would always, always, ALWAYS give users their new login credentials by phone as follows:

"Gud ofternoon sur, I'm hoppy to till you...

You're a CUNT...
...
...is riddy."

Reminded by this post
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 3:55, 8 replies)

A hindu guru called the other day
asking me about spiritual enlightenment and sacred mantras

but i wasn't aum.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 0:42, Reply)

shower of bastards
A few years back i was on the bones of my arse-skinty poos-distinctly lacking of monetary substances,add to this i was some 4k in debt-this led to my bank calling me asking repeatedly for payement.

Such calls came from a call centre not in my home country,the voice cheerilly enquired when i was going to settle my account,i explained to them REPEATEDLY that i was out of work and had zero pounds in my account and therefore unable to sate thier insane appatite for installments.
This mattered not as they repeated their mantra to the point where i was in tears.

Length ??-irrelevant these days
(shug, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 23:51, Reply)