My brother met Les off Vic Reeves' Big Night Out at a Chas and Dave concert
a couple of years ago, and got him to autograph his t-shirt. He said it was the first time he'd been recognised in around fifteen years.
(cs1ca, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 15:52, Reply)

one of my brother's mates was a jobbing actor
and would sometimes work as a doorman for nightclubs
one night he refused entry to chavvy-dressed midget, who got a cob on and asked 'Do you know who I am?'
to which the answer was given 'no, fuck off'

He found out later it was Brian Harvey
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 15:47, 4 replies)

A guy works down the chip shop swears at his customers.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 15:37, Reply)

A guy down the chip shop swears he runs a chip shop.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 15:25, Reply)

Winston Churchill came to my 6th birthday party.
At least he said he was Winston Churchill. All my friends got to sit on his lap while he fingered them.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 15:05, Reply)

A FEW VERY BORING 'CELEBRITY' STORIES
I went to Marrakech a few years back, the first souk I walked into off the main square I saw Martin Sheen just wondering about. I decided to buy some street food nearby, so I could have a nosey and see what he was up to as a camera crew turned up and I wanted to see what they were filming. As I ordered my food I realised Emelio Estevez was queueing next to me also getting a couple of kebabs. By the time I got my food they were gone, so I walked down another souk only to discover Martin Sheen sat on the dirty floor by himself, surrounding by lopped off chicken heads and stray kittens, stuffing the kebab Emelio Estevez had just bought him into his gob.

Also once I had to 'look after' Will Self at a book signing & he was really lovely. After he finished signing all the punters copies of his book, he signed mine and thanked me for looking after him. As he went to leave there was a huge bowl of wrapped boiled sweets on the counter and he grabbed a handful, threw them into his mouth (fully wrapped) while screaming "SUGAAARRRR!" and then bounded out the door with his limbs flailing wildly around him. It was so bizarre that I had to ask the other member of staff I was with if I had imagined it. I hadn't.

Also Richard Hammond once came in to buy a book from where I worked, another member of staff served him (this was a couple of weeks after he had gotten out of hospital) and said "OH I WAS EVER SO GLAD THAT YOU DIDN'T DIE IN THAT CRASH". He smiled nervously/politely & I shoved my whole fist in my mouth.
(bomb, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 14:32, 1 reply)

I met Sally Phillips
Her out of Smack the Pony, Bridget Jones, etc. This was around the early 90s.

It was at a house party in Camden, where she was (briefly) the girlfriend of the guy throwing the party. She was very small and quite shy.

At the same party, my mate (Sally Phillips' fella's flatmate) found out that the woman he'd turned down for a date the week before (on account of having met the woman who is now his other half) was Mary McCartney, daughter of Sir Paul.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 14:16, 2 replies)

I sometimes worked on the entrance of a nightclub in Newcastle.
One night a taxi rolled up about half an hour before the club was due to shut, and out fell a skinny blonde fellow with a talking pair of tits on each arm.
He rambled up to the door and pulled out a huge wad of money, babbling incoherently. I refused him entry as he was too pissed. he staggered down the street making threats and saying he would be back.

Turns out it was Gazza.
I actually felt for him, this was about three years or so ago now, not long after he was barred from a hotel for talking to a plastic parrot or summat.

Demon drink.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 14:12, Reply)

Norks
I have a female friend who has massive tits and likes to show them off with cleavage revealing tops.

Once she meet Tom Jones

His eyes locked on her ample cleavage he said "ello what's your name then?" (and probably 'tidy' & 'there's lovely')

She bent down till she was in his eye line and pointing to her tits said "they don't have names but I'm called Kelly"
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 13:55, 6 replies)

My missue

( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 6 Dec 2013, 13:47, 4 replies)

I shagged this bird that used to go out with a vagabond.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 13:28, 1 reply)

i dumped my boyfriend
so i could go on to shag ed byrne
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 13:25, Reply)

I dumped my girlfriend.
She would go on to shag Ed Byrne a few months later.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 13:23, Reply)

No names.
Early 2000s. Festival of Sydney. Sydney Opera House. Balmy evening. Corporate hospitality preview event for the 'beautiful people'. Nice event. I'm an ugly fucker and definitely not one of those folk.

I had been invited to that soiree with my (then) f'friend by a good mate of hers who was a PR hack for a major hotel in town.

It was a nice enough night with [brand name alcohol] flowing like God's beard. After all, it was free!

I saw a lady leaning on the railings, looking with a wistful eye at the Harbour Bridge. She appeared to be, well, just like who I really wanted to kiss that night: female, subtle curves, tastefully attired, slightly tipsy. Kiss, and nothing more. I wanted 'lost romance' and the fantasy of nothing more for my memory. A delicious dessert for the mind. I had been reading far too much Anais Nin.

I nudged of the guys in our group. He knew just about everyone and just about everything that those people wished that no one would or should remember. "Hey - her - over there - you know her?" He glanced her way. "Yep." "Single?" "Dunno." "Game?" "Fuck knows." "Introduce me?" "Pfft - do your own spade work." He shrugged and regained holding forth with his chums and admirers. Near enough.

Wandering over to her, as she pensively watched the harbour, sipping her drink noisily, I introduced myself. We had a chat about useless things and people we knew, and how some of those people were useless things too. After a while, she mentioned she needed to use the bathroom. I told her that I did too. We made a pact to go to the bathroom and reconvene and continue. We were enjoying one another's company away from the madding crowd and the falseness of these kinds of dos.

We walked, arm in arm, chatting.

The mens' room was nearer that in place than the ladies'. She decided to accompany me. "Impressively bold", I thought to myself as other men in the place did a double-take and left quickly.

I walked into a cubicle, in the hope of embarrassing her into leaving. She barged in and closed the door behind her and kept chatting while I peed. She Waited until I finished, shoved me out of the way and then hiked her dress up and relieved herself. We stayed there awhile. Smoked a shared cigarette. Things happened.

When we left, we went our separate ways, grinning at one another as we both tried to arrive back at the function by different entrances.

Friends asked me where I had been gone for so long. I mentioned to that trusted, wiser and much wearier friend "with her", indicating that person. "Her? Don't you know who she is?"

"Ummm, no?"

"What rock do you live under? That's [name]!"

"Who?"

Her identity was explained to me. I earned the rank of farstucker, unwittingly. I also went for STD testing. Bullet dodged. That was my last dodgy shag in a bathroom at a function with a random.


She is still on telly from time to time, and I still smile a secret smile when I see her face, covered in makeup. It was covered in something else last time I saw her...

I need to eat some lemons for breakfast...
(EffinNitWit asks his tobacco where his whisky is, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 12:48, 16 replies)

Liam
Met Liam Gallagher backstage to a small band in Liverpool, just before they were mega-famous and I was a student only 19, bless!

Nice chap, said hello,
upon hearing my northern accent he came up close and said "these fucking scousers are doing my head in" referring to a bunch of chavs hanging around the room,
awestruck I desperately tried to think of something to say
I piped "I hope you never die"!
"yeah man live forever! Its like that song" - bursts into song (lovely singing but not Oasis tune, shame I can't remember it)

seemed a nice chap. Had real trouble writing liam for my mate as an autograph, printed it like a 4 year old!
He left the room, my mate nicked his fags!
lol
(nattydread, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 12:48, Reply)

Ligging with the slebs
I was a guest on the Johnny Vaughan show once. So naturally I met Johnny (short arse) and Denise Van Outen (snooty short-arse). I also spent a very pleasant ten minutes talking to Lauren Laverne, all the time with an excellent view down her top.

My spot was a spoof Mastermind quiz, and the gag was that the real Magnuss Magnusson barged in and took over the questions. He was a really nice bloke, very friendly and interesting. He even asked me for my autograph, which was a bizarre moment... (He always got anybody he worked with to sign his script, apparently.)

Even better, it turned out to be the last show of the series, so they'd invited all their previous guests back for the wrap party. Loads of famous faces - Des Lineham (something to do with sport, I believe) I remember, and Ian Duncan Smith - man, he was a freeloader, arrived early, grabbed everything going, and was still drinking the free booze when I left.

But the highlight was meeting Professor Colin Pillinger, the man behind the (unfortunately unsuccessful) Beagle II Mars lander. As a bit of a space nut myself, he was a real hero of mine, so I made sure I got to talk to him! Fascinating chap. He helped analyse the Apollo moon-rock samples, too.

Oh, and my daughter used to play in the same Roller Hockey team as Nick Cave's sons. So we were "hockey dads" on the touchline. He's surprisingly normal. I particularly enjoyed the moment when he called my name and waved to me in a busy shopping centre - lots of puzzled stares, trying to work out if I was famous too.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 12:37, Reply)

I was at a pub in Cambridge recently
There was an old guy at the bar who was stuck on his crossword and I'm a massive crossword geek so I asked if he minded if I had a look. He was stuck on T_R_ with the clue "Bitter sweet?" and quick as a flash I got it - "tart". He chuckled and winked, saying "I thought it might have been Tory." I sort of shrugged and left him to it.

Afterwards, my mate said "You know who that was, don't you?" I had no idea, but turns out it was Norman Tebbit. Never thought I'd help Tebbit with his crossword. Huh.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 12:36, 4 replies)

When I was little I wrote to Jim'll Fix It, asking to put on a blindfold & wank off an old perv in a track suit.
When I watched the show, it turned out I'd been milking a cow instead. Gutted!
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 12:26, Reply)

I was sat next to a colleague
while he was speaking to Rolf Harris. We were working on Freeserve technical support and he rang up to get his connection fixed. While he was waiting for his computer to reboot my colleague asked him to sing Two Little Boys. He gave us a chorus and my colleague put it on speaker phone for the office to enjoy. Plus he didnt try to nonce us....
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 12:21, 1 reply)

I saw an Eddie Stobart lorry once

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 11:53, 7 replies)

I bumped into Dynamo
Going into watch a boxing match at Sheffield Arena. He just shook hands and didn't float off or anything. Sweet gentle Jesus he is a short arse though.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 11:51, 4 replies)

Dave Hill of Slade once chatted to me and my band.
I went to the pub with Daisy Haggard.
David Jason once stopped at a pedestrian crossing for me to cross.
I made a Nicky Clarke video with Nicky Clarke just 4 weeks ago.
I made some Trinny and Susannah videos with Trinny and Susannah about 4 months ago.
I'm friends with an actress who does lots of voiceovers for adverts like B&Q, Wet Wet Wet and Oak Furniture Land.
About 50% of the Made in Chelsea folks go to my next door neighbour's house for parties. As a result, I saw Ollie snogging a bloke.

I'm like, a star MAGNET or sutin.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 11:51, 1 reply)

Mrs Browns Boys.
I've met them in a professional capacity, although not a fan, I've never met a group of people who will go so far out of their way to spend so much time with their fans. When you're doing two shows a day with very little time for rest between performances, most artists will chain smoke, eat or rut in their dressing rooms. Those guys would happily give up food to make sure everyone goes home happy.

I still think the show's shit, however.
( Muns, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 11:35, 6 replies)

I spent a couple of hours chatting about music with a random American in the Ship in Wardour St
Only to discover much later that he was Taylor Hawkins from out of the Foo Fighters. Top bloke, great taste in bands.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 11:32, 2 replies)

Before a gig one night
I had a few drinks with a guy who claimed to play guitar for Ryan Adams. I took this at face value as Ryan Adams isn't exactly massively popular in the UK, so there weren't exactly any kudos or awe to be gained. He was a pleasent enough chap. I remembered his name and did a spot of googling when I got home.

Turns out he was lying.

Two more, then I'm done for this topic:
1: I was starstruck meeting Wiliam Gibson at a book signing. He has never written a bad book.
2: I'm pretty sure Douglas Copeland hit on me once. He hasn't written a good book since Girlfriend in a Coma.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 11:29, 3 replies)

OOh, I can do this one good because I'm a button pushy telly man.
Steven Baldwin took a shit in the cubicle next to me and didn't wash his hands.

I walked by someone who looked like a right poser, and commented "who's that nob end think he is?". The reply came back "that nob end thinks he's David Ginola because he is"

Richard Harris told me to take my glasses off on the set of Gladiator where I was an extra (despite being too short and skinny to be a soldier)

Ian Wright went to the studio door and stuck his arse out of it. A passing security guy saw him and exclaimed "LEGEND!", only to receive a blast of warm footbally fart in reply.
( Kung_Fu_Russ ran out of amusing signatures on, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 11:27, 2 replies)

Where to start?
I live in the heart of Slebsville, recent encounters include:

Jude Law - banging violently on his front door having locked himself out one Sunday morning. And then abusing his celebrity status to bum a pack of fags and a pint at the Queens, claiming his wallet was 'inside'.

Hugh Laurie - looking very worse for wear, shaking the metal shutters of Oddbins, demanding to know why they weren't open at 10am Boxing Day morning. We shared a moment of anxiety before they finally opened...but soon we were free to continue our booze-soaked Christmases. He bought a monster bottle of JD.

Helena Bonham-Carter - strolling out into the middle of the road and narrowly avoiding being smacked by the C11, dressed (as always) like a homeless heroin addict.

Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Sacha Baron-Cohen - having a heated debate outside Violette on Englands Lane. They were later joined by Helena B-C and Tim Burton.

David Walliams - arguing with the dry cleaners. He has the nicest house in the area. Bought it off David Baddiel, who was miserable dishevelled cunt.

Peter Crouch - just rented a place on Eton Avenue. His bird is well fit. But she talks like a fishwife.

The Ginger Cunt from Homeland - can't be bothered to look him up. My missus nearly faints if they pass each other on their morning jogs.

Rachel Stevens – my wife and her were pregnant at the same time, they bonded over fitness regimes at Tri-Yoga.

Russell Brand – literally running up the hill after watching Batman at the IMAX.

The Beckhams – sledging with everyone last year on Primrose Hill. Brooklyn ploughed into my nephew.

Further back in time, this lot have moved out now:

Liam Gallagher - plenty of sessions at the Steeles with him holding court. We shared the same dealer. Once, a mate of mine who works in fashion, plucked up the courage to ask him if he'd endorse his new Lambretta range of boxer-shorts. 'No fookin way!' Liam shouted. When asked why not, he jumped on the table and mooned the entire beer garden. 'Cos I don't fookin wear any, do I!'. Much hilarity ensued.

Chris Evans – was on nodding terms with him when he used to live on Steeles Mews. Drank himself into a stupor most weeknights at the Hill and had to be carried home.

Sadie Frost – huge sunglasses, desperately trying to buy milk with bundles of change at Shepherds Market, only to leave empty handed as she only had Euros and Dollars.

Noel Gallagher – posing outside his pad, the inauspiciously named ‘Supernova Heights.’ Once walked back passed his gaff with a mate and stood outside singing Wonderwall, neighbour popped out and threatened to call the police.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 10:36, 10 replies)

I've got a Stephen Fry one
I was on a works jolly which involved a treasure hunt around parts of London (and some drinking) and we had to go and look at a statue outside St. Paul's for some reason. As we got there, Stephen Fry was with a small film crew doing a piece to camera on the steps outside the cathedral so we stopped to watch and listen. Maybe because I was wearing a suit, but people started approaching me asking if they could have their picture taken with him, so I said I was sorry but they'd have to wait until Mr. Fry had finished filming and could they keep it quiet please. By the time he'd recorded his bit I'd amassed quite a few people waiting patiently in line to meet him. I think he was a bit startled when he turned around.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 10:31, Reply)

My friend Simon
is a fairly well-known jazz musician in Tokyo. One evening playing in the Hyatt, the manager asked if a guest could sing with the band. As he began to say no fairly emphatically, it emerged that the guest in question was Lady Gaga. And in my opinion she does rather well (Simon's the ginger chap on piano): www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdCks_Nd1v0
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 10:02, 4 replies)

I once met Nelson Mandela and asked for his autograph.
He was kind enough to oblige, and it's one of my proudest possessions - although I don't know why he signed it "Morgan Freeman".
(Star Wars Starwarsy McStarwars Face, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 9:56, 1 reply)