Toilet Roll
Whilst at university, a long time ago, I spent the weekend at my girlfriend's parents' house. I could tell they really didn't like me, as I was clearly not good enough / not of the right stock for their precious daughter.

Anyway, whilst "dropping off the kids at the swimming pool" in the ensuite toilet adjacent to her parents bedroom I came up with an idea to exact my revenge. I carefully unrolled the toilet roll, till it was down to the last sheet, and then wrote MUNT on it with a sharpie marker I had in my pocket. I then carefully rolled it all back up again, good as new.

I still always wonder about her mom or dad preparing to wipe their food tube, and discovering the enigmatic MUNT on the last sheet of paper.
(Mandrill, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 2:07, Reply)

microwave curry
Me and my brother were playing the GI Joe boardgame.

We were sharing one set of pyjamas and i was controlling his arms and legs, throwing things everywhere and kicking a lot. Obviously this was amusing, so amusing in fact that my brother started to shout that he needed to poo.
I thought it would be funny to delay his run to the toilet so i stopped him from wrigling free from the pyjama bottoms. Eventually, and after much yelling i let him go just as a big old bum cigar fell out of the bottom of the pyjama leg and rolled under a chair.

The funist thing i have ever seen, as my mum ran in to find out why we were yelling and wretched at the smell, seeing one son crying and pointing at a poo stained leg, the other crying with laughter and pointing at a poo on a dining room floor.

We were 10 and 7 repectively.
(beanstardesign, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 2:05, 3 replies)

Godiva
I've lived in Coventry for three years now. Every time I'm in the town centre, I find myself walking past the statue of Lady Godiva, and every time I find myself giggling at the horse's massive bronze bollocks.

Seriously. The fuckers are huge.
(Ellinikos contains a source of phenylalanine, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 2:01, 1 reply)

Not Quite Sure How This Fits In
I am not sure this is quite relevant, but it made me laugh:

I went to the supermarket last week with my three year old son George. Having done the business, we were waiting in the inevitable queue at the check out. After a couple of minutes, another shopper joined our queue. I glanced behind us to see a six foot five, maori (I live in NZ) ogre of a man, complete with facial tattoos, gang insignia, and an unusual bobble hat / beanie / rasta hat type head piece. Indeed an intimidating sight, carrying four 24 packs of beer.

As I turned away, George shouts out the unforgettable words:

"Dad, that wookie has got his underpants on his head"

Long pause....then I am gripped by a fit of uncontrollable laughter (with George joining in), exacerbated only by the staunch, grumpy face on the aforementioned gentleman.

I still am at a loss to know where George picked up the word "wookie"
(Mandrill, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 1:48, 5 replies)

the wig wonder
i'm known by my mates as a bit of a flirt, which can often be quite funny.
one day, we were going to a local spiritualist church-can't remember why- when my mate said "you've never met della's bloke, have you?" i replied that i haven't.
"put your wig on before you get in the car and wind him up," she says.
i put on my wig, a little brown bob affair with a black headband on it that i was given by a friend. i'm naturally blonde, but this wig was quite effective.
when we got into the car, it was arranged that i would sit up front, next to della's bloke, who was driving.
"hi," i says, stroking his knee. after gulping and turning mildly green, he muttered "hi" back.
"i like you," i said, fluttering my eyelashes at him," do you like me?"
after more gulping and a touch of spluttering, he managed to say "actually, i prefer blondes."
grabbing the wig, i yelled "THIS COULD BE YOUR LUCKY DAY!" and tugged the wig off my head.
the look on the poor chap's face, coupled with the howls of laughter from my friends was well worth almost crashing the car for.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 1:14, Reply)

I live in Vietnam
I always try to order something that comes with peanut sauce because waiters almost always pronounce it "penus". Three years and the novelty hasn't worn off yet.
(occassional, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 1:05, Reply)

Pub Quiz
The other day I went to my local pub quiz.
This question came up: Who was Romeo with before Juliet?
My answer: Pooliet.
The name of our team: Sting keep who.
(Rumpig, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 0:53, Reply)

fright night
i may have mentioned this before, but about 5 years ago, aged 29, i hosted a monthly fright night. there would be me, my neighbour chris(or crispy as he was known), my mate ste, my cousin adam and his mates gabbot, graham and lad with french-sounding name i can't remember. we would smoke much weed(except ste) and eat piles of sugary munchies, whilst watching crap horror films.
the childish part of this tale involves initiation and went something like this:
you could come to fright night once and just enjoy yourself. however, if you liked it and wanted to come back, you had to undergo initiation. this would be any silly bollocks we could think up.
the best 2 were ste and graham's.

STE'S INITIATION

we dressed ste in my black PVC halterneck top, a black negligee(also mine), a large pair of novelty knickers bearing the legend "BIG IS BEAUTIFUL", a plastic witch's hat with green hair attached and clown make-up. we then followed him to the off-license in fits of giggles, whilst he purchased a packet of chewing gum.

GRAHAM'S INITIATION

i had in my spare bedroom an old kwik-save trolley, perfect for shifting bin bags in the lift(i lived in a high rise). graham was wrapped from head to foot in clingfilm, placed in the trolley and wheeled around the streets of seaforth at 2.30 a.m.
unsurprisingly, the neighbours left me pretty much in peace, they thought i was a nutter.

length? nearly a whole roll
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 0:37, Reply)

I go through phases at work...
Where whenever anyone says anything to me - and I do mean absolutely anything - my reply will be "I know you are, but what am I?" Tends to piss the customers off a bit, but nevermind!
(Barry Chuckle's Moustache, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 0:25, Reply)

Cerne Abbas Giant
Recently, my company has gone totally over the top about health & safety. As part of their ongoing drive to protect themselves from being sued protect their workers from harm, they decided that the walkways around the building needed lots of yellow men painted on them, so it would be quite plain to everyone where it was safe to walk.

One evening I took a marker pen to one of these figures and turned it into a (rather crudely drawn) Cerne Abbas Giant. Thus -



The next day, my boss went absolutely fucking mental. The term 'gross misconduct' was freely bandied about, and he spent most of the day studying the CCTV footage to see if he could catch the culprit.

However, I know where all the cameras are, and this figure is out of their range. I might be childish, but Im not stupid.
(Lionel Tiger, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 0:24, 12 replies)

Mr Pooey
Half heartedly watching the news tonight while waiting for Being Human to start I got childish giggles about someone with the unfortunate name of Mr Pooey.
Once I paid attention though, they were actually talking about a Miss Tapui.

ah well
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 0:20, 2 replies)

sitting in a club
A random guy had been giving my dirty looks all night, I decided to take the high road and offered him a drink.

little did he know it was 50% WKD and 50% piss
he only complained that it was a little warm and has tried his best to get on with me since
( Paul_P http://www.Paul-hub.com, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 0:15, 4 replies)

bloke i worked with...
terrible cunt. pissed me off every single day. so when i was leaving i decided to leave him a little gift...

i noted he had a big bottle of ketchup - he used it maybe once a week. so i switched it...

for one i had laced with a massive dose of laxative

how long do you reckon a large bottle of ketchup lasts when only used once a week or so? 6 months? more? if you got the runs - would you think it was the food or the ketchup?

bloke must have an arse like a fucking windsock by now

hehe
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 0:06, 1 reply)

During
my recent post-university stretch of unemployment, I've been rediscovering the joys of making a box fort in my parents living room whilst watching A-team & Thundercats videos.

I'm 27. And, perhaps predictably, single.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 23:48, 4 replies)

I play
"You show me yours and I'll show you mine" with next doors kids. I always win.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 23:43, Reply)

i think most of us behave like kids
thats what makes b3ta so wonderful. i have a few tales but mostly the usual, so i shall tell you about my dad.

He's 70 odd and bright as a button though some troubles with his heart and such have led him to spend some time in hospitals. Without fail i shall be pushing him down the corridor chatting about all kinds of stuff and as we approach a group of other folk he will loudly say, in a deranged voice

"Have i had my breakfast?!" and i will immediatly crack up and 'laugh horribly at the poor old man"

oh and on occasion he will tell folk how mean i am to him. i am over a foot taller than him and a big old dreadlocked crusty. if i didnt find it so funny i'd cringe :D

he behaves like he's 8 and i am doing my best to follow in his footsteps
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 23:36, Reply)

old ones are the best.
after sitting on the settee with my missus, and moaning how much my fingers were aching from typing all day, i asked her to "just stretch my finger" she pulls

*MASSIVE fart*

she wasnt impressed, but im still laughing 3 hours later.
(Singo69, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 23:13, 3 replies)

i have rather large breasts
when i get *really* bored, i blow raspberries on them. it has me giggling like a maniac for ages
( evil pixie, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:52, 13 replies)

The Christmas Countdown
There is a lady in our office that is a bit of a humbug when it comes to Christmas, so any attempt to keep a countdown til the big day is quickly rubbed off the whiteboard. This meant that I had to get creative with the location of the countdown, so creative that after a few time of her removing from the underside of mugs, post it notes, computer screens etc I just didn't bother updating it.

She looked for the countdown for at least 20 minutes a day for about a month as I told her it was still somewhere in the office. Twas mildly amsing
(Jimmy Large Is huffing Jenkem on, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:50, 3 replies)

Me and my brother were bored
My mum and stepdad were out, so we started wrestling in the living room. One thing led to another, and he ended up slamming me into the door, which in turn slammed into the wall behind it, putting a massive hole in the plaster. Fearing the inevitable beating we'd receive, we desperately tried to come up with a solution. After failing with the Polyfilla, the best we could come up with was using the door to conceal the hole in the hope that nobody would notice, which of course somebody did.

I was 20, he was 22. Neither of us lived at home. We were just visiting for the weekend. And we still took a beating.
(Keiths Dad, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:47, 1 reply)

fart spray
on holiday in spain, aged 19, i bought a tin of fart spray. on the way back to the hotel, i decided to see if it worked, so i set about finding a suitable victim.
ahead of me, i spotted an elderly spanish gentleman in a long brown mac. creeping up behind him, i sprayed the back of his coat with the fart spray.
it fucking stank.
people were fighting to get out of his way, giving him disgusted looks.
i, of course, laughed like a gibbon on gas and air.
i did feel bad about it within 5 minutes and even now, 15 years later, i still feel guilty for humiliating that poor old man.

didn't stop me from spraying my brother's head with it, though.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:44, 2 replies)

if i'm in my mum's house
and there's nobody else there, i still enjoy lying flat on my stomach and sliding down the stairs like a snake.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:33, 3 replies)

the tennis ball game
this got me beaten up by my friends.

one day we were in college and found a tennis ball, i decided to annoy them by making it seem like the
most fun thing in the entire world. constantly bouncing it up and down and smiling like a loon.

eventually it got to them and they threatened to destroy it so i ran off and told them i'd hidden it.

what followed was a month long search around college for where i'd hidden the tennis ball.
i couldnt help myself, one day we were in the girls toilets and i was stood just outside the door.
my friend asked "is it here in the toilets?"
i stepped inside "well it is now"

it had been in my bag the whole time... the tennis ball was never brought up again. mention of it gets me an evil stare and a kick in the shin

.
(stitched, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:31, Reply)

I get the feeling that this QOTW is going to be a daily blog for me.
I just got back from running errands with my sixteen year old daughter. First stop was the bank. While there I grabbed a blue lollipop from the kids' basket and grinned at her. She grabbed one also and grinned back.

Next stop was the used book store as she needed a copy of "Great Expectations". I had some books to trade in, but the woman at the counter told me that they didn't want any of them, so I struck out. At the same time my daughter found the Dickens section, but didn't find any copies of that particular book. She reported this as the woman at the counter was telling me to take my books home with me.

"Rats," I said to my daughter. "I guess we'll just have to take our blue tongues and go." And we stuck our tongues out at each other.

The old woman looked stunned for a moment, then shook her head and muttered something about kids...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:27, 1 reply)

air horn
the fun you can have with an air horn is endless
especially in a quiet college while classes are in process... the college librarys even more fun but not as easy to get away with because its hard not to give yourself away.
(stitched, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:19, 3 replies)

shopping with my sister
my sis is 38, i'm 34. sometimes, but not too often, she lets me go shopping with her. i like to walk beside her and stare, without blinking, whilst grinning inanely. after about 20 seconds, she will notice and say "what?"
i don't reply.
"what?"
i still don't reply.
"stop fucking grinning at me, you mong."
i don't stop.
she tries to ignore me at this point, but after about 2 minutes, she will get pissed off and yell all over the Asda "STOP FUCKING GRINNING AT ME, YOU SPASTIC!"

works every time.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:16, 2 replies)

Breaking Copyright?
I'm fairly sure I stole this off of someone from b3ta, I'm sorry I can't remember who! But it's stuck in my head ever since and YOU inspired me to carry out this childishness!

Recently at work, laminated signs went up in our gents lavs asking us to "PLEASE REFRAIN FROM DROPPING CHEWING GUM IN THE URINALS".

One bottle of Tip-Ex, one Smurf and two minutes during a non-busy period led to the sign reading:

"PLEASE REFRAIN FROM CHEWING THE URINALS"

I kinda feel like Banksy now as the sign has become legend amongst staff (it doesn't take insurance people a lot to get excited).

So who ever gave me this idea, please put your hand up in the air and get well deserved kudos.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:16, 3 replies)

Book of faces
Deleted all the male 'friends' from my recent ex's facebook.
( The_Commander_of_Skips wears his sunglasses at night, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:08, Reply)

As a rule
when I am driving and see a good looking woman driving, walking, jogging towards me, I wave as if I know them. It drives my wife mad.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 22:01, 4 replies)

i've probably got quite a few of these
i have, on occasion, been known to post leaves through people's letterboxes. not people i know, just random bods.
it always seems funny at the time.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 21:46, Reply)