Supermarket shoppers...
I used to work for Safeway, stacking the shelves etc. These events all happened...

1) I got asked where the bread was whilst standing in the bread aisle, stacking bread. It's quite embarassing to point to a loaf of bread 4 inches away and say, "it's here". The lady in question went very red and walked off.

2) I had a very irate old lady stating that the Sainsburys Beans she had purchased were "definitely bought from here", and she wanted her money back, as the tin was dented. I explained to her that Sainsburys Beans are not sold by Safeway. In fact, I stated this fact about 8 times, but she went on to state that, "I don't care who makes them, you sell them" ... again I tried to explain that Sainsburys was a shop AND yes, possibly a beans manufacturer, but we still wouldn't sell their product in a Safeway store. She wittered on for about 30 minutes, telling me that we did HP Beans, Heinz Beans and - oh yes - definitely Sainsburys Beans too.

Despite me repeating that Sainsburys are a shop, and a competitor, she then went on to state that she'd also purchased Sainsburys Beans from the local Kwik Save too. Fearing for my sanity, I decided enough was enough and refund her - as she wanted her "money back now".... Even though we had never sold the beans to her.. I asked her how much they were.... Which then led to another tirade of "you should know how much they were, you sold them to me"... Again, we went round in a never-ending loop of "No, we did not sell these to you, so even though I'd like to refund you the cost, I don't know how much you paid because you didn't purchase them here..." .. "Yes, I bought them here" , "No, Madam, you didn't", "Are you calling me a fibber sonny?" etc etc

In the end we settled on an exchange, and I gave her a free tin of beans that should've been 23p.

3) I got asked by an elderly gent when the store closed. I said, "We're open 24 hours" ... he replied, "Ok, but when do you close?" ...
(G-Funk, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 13:57, Reply)

Not really a client
more of a wrong number conversation I had a few days back.

My old man's a lecturer, and we have quite a few students phone up from time to time.

This particular conversation went like this...

Her: Hello, is Bernie Robinson there?
Me: Sorry, he's out at the moment, can I take a message?
Her: Him? No Bernie Robinson, it's a woman I'm after.
Me: Have you got the right no.? This Bernie Robinson is a man.
Her: No, I want to talk to a woman, Bernie Robinson, she teaches me law.
Me: Well my dad's a law lecturer, are you sure you don't want to talk to him?
Her: Look, she taught me last week, it's definitely a woman, now put me through to her.
Me: (getting pissed off) So you want to talk to Bernie Robinson?
Her: Yes!
Me: Oh, my mistake, Bernie Robinson is a woman after all, sorry about that. Shall I pass on a message?
Her: No, it's ok.
Me: Are you going to phone back?
Her: No.
Me: Goodbye. and put the phone down.

Fucking window licker
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 13:49, Reply)

The Stupid Client Trilogy (TM)
01. My first full time job was working for a certain well-known video rental chain. I worked there for three years, during which time I found out to my horror that the moronic customers portrayed in the Kevin Smith movie "Clerks" were, in fact, real. And all of them had memberships. Examples of customer-based stupidity were:

CUST - "Do you have any copies of (insert latest popular video title here)? I don't see any on the shelves."
ORIN - "I'm sorry, sir, we don't."
CUST - "Why not?"
ORIN - "I'm afraid they've all been rented, sir."
CUST - "Why?"
ORIN - "Well, because it's a very popular title, sir, and because it's friday night, so a lot of people want to rent movies."
CUST - "This is ridiculous! Why haven't you got enough copies for everybody?"
ORIN (trying to ignore the sheer idiocy of this statement) - "Unfortunately we only have limited shelf space, sir."
CUST - "Oh, don't be stupid! You should stock one copy for every customer!"
ORIN - "I'll pass your suggestion on, sir."

My favourite was the woman who slapped down her video on the counter and said "I want my money back!"

ORIN - "Why is that, madam?"
CUST - "Well, it was AWFUL! I never thought it would be so violent!"
ORIN (looks at video) - "Micheal Collins??!"
CUST - "Yes?
ORIN - Madam, this film, as it clearly states on the cover, is the story of the founding of the IRA. You know, the infamous terrorist group?"


02. My very next job was working for the now-defunct Tiny Computers (don't believe that crap about Tiny and Time merging, they bought us out and made the entire company - including directors - redundant in order to obtain the logo to slap on their own substandard machines). If you want to see a full list of stupid technical questions you can head over to the Computer Stupidities website, but I will give you one tasty example:

"There's a problem with my CDROM drive. The drive is putting jam on my CDs."

Despite the gentleman admitting that he had young children who ate jam sandwiches whilst playing with the pc unsupervised, he still insisted it was our hardware that was at fault. Muppet.


03. And finally... I recently walked out of the worst job that I've ever had -- doing admin for an allegedly charitable housing association. I used to field calls from the tenants, who were generally all ex (or current)drug-addicts or alcoholics, or just were single parents with about a million kids. I still think my favourite query was this one from one recovering addict:

CUST - "I've lost my house keys and locked myself out of the house. I need someone to come down here and let me in."
ORIN - "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't keep copies of the house keys. That house is your home, and we don't have the right to enter at will."
CUST - "Well, what the F**K am I supposed to do now?"
ORIN (after conflab with idiot manager) - "I'm afraid that you will have to contact a locksmith, sir."
CUST - "And who's going to pay for this?"
ORIN -"The expense will be yours, I'm afraid."
CUST - "WHAT??!! How the F**K am I supposed to pay for that when I don't get my benefit until monday???!"
ORIN - "Have you got somebody you can stay with in the meantime?"
CUST - "Well, luckily I can get in and out."
ORIN - "How?"
CUST - "Well, I kicked the door in."
ORIN - "Then you'll need to pay for repais on the door as well, sir."
CUST - "G(T%*(£%(*&%£(*"%(!!!!!!" etc, etc.

Why do these people take out their anger on me when it's caused by their own stupidity?
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 13:48, Reply)

Pooping myself
I used to work in a small paper shop in one of the posher areas of Bristol. The shop was regularly full of toffee-nosed eejuts who thought they knew better.

One such customer was a lady that used to walk around in brightly coloured shell suits with a bikini on underneath -she must have been in her mid sixties, so the sight was not one of pleasantness!!. One day she came in and was thumbing through a magazine on the counter and suddenly looked up at me and said "Pardon?"
Not having said anything, I was quite shocked.

The rest of the conversation went something like this:
Woman: Yes you did. You said "shit"
Me: Er, no I didn't.
Woman: Yes you did. Do you have a toilet here?

(our only toilet was at the back of the shop and I didn't want her rummaging around out there)

Me: No, sorry we don't.
Woman: Well what do you do if you need to go to the toilet?
Me: We have to go in our trousers or use one of the special bottles provided by the manager.

She turned her nose up at me and left -I never saw her again after that.
(Drodbar, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 13:30, Reply)

Digital Cameras Do NOT have film.
I was working in an estate agents in west London as their technical consultant, and the money grabbing little plebs couldn't grasp the concept of picture being 'stored on a card' and that they had to make sure the 'card' was actually in the camera, as the other plebs had this monkey like habbit of taking the card out and examining it, complete with ape like grunts of incomprehension. Needless to say that they often took the camera out without the card and prceeded to take pictures even though the LCD screen was flashing *
****INSERT PICTURE CARD ***** in red, at them, then complain like spoilt children when they got back and there were no pictures. I lost count of the times I tutored them on this. It was like a very bad comedy sketch that went on forever. happy baby orangutan.
(Nicky Nacky Noo... Scratch and Sniff Please, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 13:27, Reply)

teachers
now, i reckon that teachers are my clients, because i am in secondary school... or maybe i'm their client... who gives a watermelon...

my maths teacher is just the slightest bit mental, she should be running an army regiment... anyway, we have this guy who's training to be a teacher, mr. aughterston. he's big, he's bald, and he's a complete knob... i can't count the times he's given us a wrong answer for something, and we've completely disproved him, and ms. jones (our proper teacher) has disproved him... but the arshole still wont back down!

plus he thought that a new method of turning fractions into decimals was "rather sexy"... we laughed at him and he stormed out...
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Fri 2 Jan 2004, 13:07, Reply)

Actually
My then girlfriend Elena just started a new job and rang me up and asked if i would test her new email account by sending her an email.

so thinking it would be funny i thought i would send something a bit *flirty*. 10 minutes later this woman called my company asking to speak to me. she wanted to know why i was sending her flithy emails!

in the end this complaint went to my boss and it turned out that my girlfiend had given me the wrong email address, instead of [email protected], the correct email address was [email protected] and there just happened to be another elena at that company as well! what were the odds!

this woman was having none of it and would not believe the honest mistake! very funny thou!
(Smurfy1976, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 12:54, Reply)

Mrs Stickers and Mr Friendly
I used to work in popular high street retailers set up by Mr William Henry Smith. 2 examples of strange clients-

1. Mrs Stickers. Used to come in EVERY Saturday, same time, same till- me on it. Would ask for either a random number of packets of football/lord of the rings/etc stickers (like, "73 please") or just ask for whole boxes. She would go outside, open every single one, and then collect together all the swaps. She'd bring them back and complain she already had them and wanted a refund. Considering she bought hundreds a week, no wonder there were so many swaps. I never thought to ask if she needed any more books!

2. Mr Friendly. He used to come in every week, same time (just after Mrs Stickers) and be really friendly to everyone- but mainly talking about his coach he used to drive 30 years ago around london. He was like a character from the fast show. Not that stupid, but every week he would call you by a different name, even though you would wear a name badge. Or he would say "is phillip in today?" when there are no phillip's working there etc etc
(judgeyrself, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 12:41, Reply)

Now I think about it
everyone who visits IKEA is a retard. I fail to see why when someone is standing right next to the bedding they have to ask where the bedding is, or when stood underneath the giant sign telling you what size is which they still have to ask 'is this a double or kingsize?' to which I commonly reply 'it's a single bedspread not a quilt cover'.

Retards.
(Deiwos - Woo I found my old name!, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 12:26, Reply)

Well....
..this was a few years back now while i was running a small bike hire buisness as a summer job, and i had to explain to people where they could and couldn't go... and this was simple stay on the road don't go on the car park and they could go only so far one way..... and this is where she came in...when i told her she could only go as far as the theater on the right, which i described to her, and she really had no excuse as to not knowing where it was as
1. it was the only building on the right
2. it is the only cone shaped building
3. in big letters it said theater
4. i was pointing to it, and she could see it.
but still nothing clicked in her head, so comence argument on the building being there, me makeing the building up and me hinting she was stupid (actually i told her she was old stupid and blind, i was quite annoyed by then)
so after about ten minutes of this i gave up offered her a refund yet she demanded she still went out, huh? well she returned ten minutes later argued again that she couldn't cycle up a hill, and i slowly told her she went past where i told her not to go (the big watermelon off cone shapped theater), well i ended up shouting at her telling her she couldn't cycle up the hill cos she was old, fat and stupid (mean yes but you have no idea how thick she was) and then i refused to give her back her deposit (yay) as she had gone where she wern't ment to, annoyed me and put off customers but to be honest i would have rather not met her than had £10 in my pocket..tho it did by a few pints and pies...and on that note i have pints and pies to consume...
(evil pete, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 12:26, Reply)

When training people at work or college
how to use certain commands or even when I just dictate something to them when I say 'space' as in to signal pressing the space bar almost everyone types the word space instead. It's only when I get round to proof reading the stuff that I find they're complete retards and typed the word space EVERY time.

*shakes his head in disgust*
(Deiwos - Woo I found my old name!, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 12:21, Reply)

Mc Deadly
Worked here years ago. The stupidity of the 'clientele' never ceased to frighten me. This is all around 1991-1995 by the way.

Veggies were my favourite.
V (in whiny teenage voice) - 'Oh, I can never eat here, you don't do veggie food like BK do'
V2 - 'No, we can't even eat chips, 'cos they're cooked in beef fat'
Me - 'No they're not, not anymore anyway'
V - 'Yes they are'
Me - 'No, really, they're not'
etc,etc
V - 'Oh, I suppose I'll just have to have an apple pie then'
Me - 'Err, are you sure about that?'
V - 'Oh yes, they're OK, I mean you can't really put meat in an apple pie, can you?'

Veggie continues beng a royal pain until she swallows the first bite of the pie. THis is where I take the customer information from the rack behind her and point out the bit that says al fries are cooked in 100% vegetable oil, and the bit in the apple pie ingredients where it says the pastry contains animal fat.

Har Har.

The people who complained about hairs in their burger when there was one bite left - was usually a moustache hair anyway.

And people who wanted a fresh Big Mac, so came up with 'I have to have one without gherkin, I'm allergic to it, and don't just take the gherkin out - it'll make me ill, so you have to make a fresh one.'

Five minutes later, flid would come back complaining there was no sauce in his Big Mac. Cue me smiling sweetly them saying, 'Of course sir, you did say you were allergic to gherkins and there are chopped gherkins in the sauce'

Which really pissed them off.

So glad I no longer have to deal with the general public.
(Beklet is inexplicably angry, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 12:12, Reply)

In a butcher's shop in Depthford
And my girlfriend who was foreign (so prone to asking me lots of questions) asked if the mince was beef or pork. So I automatically turned to ask the bloke at the counter who looked at me like I had trodden in shit. 'We don't sell pork.' he said and I left thinking 'Don't sell pork, what kind of a butcher is this?' On closer inspection of the huge sign above the shop window my question was answered. It was a halal butcher. Oops.
(Robertvaliant, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 11:54, Reply)

I used to work
in an open air theatre in Greece where there were more standing tickets than seated tickets. The most frequently asked questions were:

Q: Is it air-conditioned?
A: Well, yes, and no. You see, it has no roof, sir...

Q: Standing? What's that?
A: It's what you're doing now, madam, except you're watching a play.

Made me clench my teeth in frustration every time I heard them.
( urbane legend i have known the inexorable sadness of pencils, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 11:35, Reply)

Scary old ladies
Old ladies have to be the scariest beings on earth.

I used to work in Victoria Wine in Bristol (fun fun fun, but that's not the point of this post). We had a regular customer who was called the "scary old lady with something wrong with her". I'm not being nasty here - she actually didn't have anything wrong with her, but average conversations with her went along the lines of:

Scary Old Lady (SOL): Can you tell me the prices of the brandy?
Me: Certainly, they're on the shelf over here. The prices are just below the bottles.
SOL (from three feet away): Can you read the prices to me? I've got something wrong with my eyes

Her list of ailments varied - in an average week she would have "something wrong with her legs" so we'd have to lift her over the (4-inch high) step into the shop, "something wrong with her fingers" so we'd have to count her money out (which was always, always in 5p pieces, even when paying for a 10-pound bottle of brandy), and "something wrong with her brain" (yes, that one is true).

In addition to all this, the majority of the time she'd wander all over the shop, asking for prices of everything known to man, and then ask for 20 marlboro lights. And then she'd demand two packs of ten, because "the packs of twenty go stale". Then she'd pay for the fags in 5p pieces. Then she'd demand a receipt - and one time she brought one of the ten packs back, saying that the "other pack was stale" and demanding her money back for both packs, brandishing a receipt. She was loony.
(wasted industry, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 11:29, Reply)

One shouldn't laugh but
I used to work for a rather large auction house (but not one of the big two). We once got a fax from a french chap who was selling a rather nice european work of art through us but it turns out that he had some special requests. We were not allowed to sell it to (amongst others) Princess Di, Saddam Hussein, The Gettys, Mr Bush... and if we did sell it then we weren't allowed to send him a cheque as he was afraid of international burglars. It did sell and a few months later I got a letter from the chap's dad saying that his son was a schizo and he had power of attorney, shouldn't have sold it etc...

But best one was the welsh bloke who used to phone up every month when he got his statement which said he owed us £105. Everytime he got one he would swear blind that he didn't owe us anything (in a nice Ivor the Engine accent). We knew he had Alzheimers so he could never remember what it was about. How we laughed.
(We did write the debt off. After a few months)
(bowser, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 10:58, Reply)

Shop returns
I used to work for Payless, the DIY shop. One day a bloke came in with a tin of paint he wanted to return and I said that unfortunately we couldn't exchange it. Before I could say why, he really went off on one about bad shop service, that he'd only opened it to check the colour, and how we had to change it under various laws.

When he finally stopped, I pointed out that the paint was 'B&Q' brand, and we were Payless, so we couldn't put it on the shelf. He'd come to our shop rather than the B&Q across town. He got very embarrassed, then tried to leave the shop through the one-way doors from the entrance, bouncing off them. Ponce.
(singleantler, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 10:12, Reply)

i used to work in a posh resturant (my spelling is aweful, ive not slept yet)
anyway, i was serving a vegi some soup. now this vegi was a vegan or some bollocks and asked what the soup of the day was, so i replied that it was freshly made tomato soup. to this she asked me if it had any meat in it, i thought it was a stupid question the first time she asked it, but becuase i liked to get paid, i re assured her that i was meat free and was made in the vegitarian kitchen (being a posh place, we had 2 kitchens) and i told her that the utensils in that kitchen had never even seen meat before. after i told her, she asked again...and again and agian, for about 2 mins. at this point i decided that i didnt like getting paid this much, and said to her "madam, if you would like to be sure check for yourself" and them poured a ladle of soup into her lap and walked off.... i was fired shortly after. Funny thing is, ive not had a job since, no idea why tho..
( ChaosTime The Fucking Moon Lord, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 8:14, Reply)

not me but
I was standing in line at a music shop yesterday to buy a cd. The queue (for some unknown reason) is incredibly long. The twunt standing in front of me gets to the counter, sends the shop assistant to go find a cd.. she rambles off.. im already late for lunch.. she comes back.. rings up the cd he wants.. hands him over his change. He thanks her for her service and then tells her he wants to return the cd.. what a twunt. WHY???
(blubear, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 5:35, Reply)

another friend
worked in NOVA, one of the largest private english schools in tokyo. apparently she convinced a whole class of 30-40 year olds that because australia is such a big country, people there don't drive around in cars like they do in japan...they all drive busses.

here's some other questions i got from students:

"have you ever eaten rice before?"
"japanese new year is on januray 1st...when is australian new year?"
(pantysniffer, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 5:33, Reply)

Damned Pranksters
Didn't happen to me but a friend, who was working in IT. She got a call from a user complaining about a broken mouse, that the pointer wasn't moving properly when the mouse was.
Her: It probably just needs cleaning, open the mouse up.
User: I can't get the buttons off!
Her: Turn it upside down and remove the circular panel-
User (interrupting): Oh some joker has stuck a bouncy ball in here. Cheers *hangs up*
( Hoohah Bibbly-bobbly-bubbly-snibbly wib-wib floppit., Fri 2 Jan 2004, 3:08, Reply)

I work at a university.
Before he became our Technical Services Manager, this foolish chap Terry worked in the labs. The Radiation Officer came on a routine visit, and asked Terry to show him the low-level radiation containment. 'No problem,' he said, squatting down to open a correctly-labelled and locked metal cupboard. 'And what about your high-level radiation?' he continued. Terry, who was not the tallest (or brightest) of men, replied: 'I'll have to stand on a stool to reach that.'
(Dazbert, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 2:00, Reply)

IT Helpdesks can be muppets too...
I work in customer service for a very large photocopier concern (as in, we invented the damn things) and that has its own little world of dumb-arse behaviour: the guys who call us about the fact that the machine says it's out of paper, or toner, or staples seriously try my ability to control my sarcasm gland. And let's not even go into the ridiculous excuses you get when some twunt has broken the glass by trying to photocopy their arse, even though there's a copy of their arse in the double-sided path (not sure why you'd want a double-sided copy of your arse, but there you go).

All our machines are Energy-Star compliant, but the legions of people who complain about the machine switching itself off are unbelievable: full-on RTFM arguments have been had, even with secretaries who believe fervently that WE are trying to disrupt their working day by, er, saving some energy and imposing a two-minute wait for it to warm up again after they've touched any button...

These days, of course, all our machines are network-connected digital devices that some poor sods in the US have spent years making an unfuck-uppable as possible. Still doesn't stop it happening, though...

The litanies include: machines that apparently need a new Ethernet card (actually the cable plugged back into the router), machines that are dead (because the cleaner has unplugged it to use the hoover), machines that have disappeared off the network (because some twit has disabled half the ports on the server), machines that can't scan to the network (because, erm, the scan server is down)... you name it.

And the best of it is: I can run about the back of so many incredibly insecure networks, yet apparently all these problems are in fact my responsibility...
(freeradical, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 1:48, Reply)

had another prime example of people's lack of common gump
punter: "are you still serving food mate?"
me: "yea mate"
punter: "is there much of a wait"
me: *looks around empty bar*
me: "I don't think so but I'll check with the manager and chief if you want?"

as the famous line goes - "if it wasn't for the customers this job would be great!"
(south, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 1:15, Reply)

Now I know this sounds absurd in the extreme, but trust me...
It's decent material. Very reliable source.
Anyway, a girl in my sources gymnasium class (I don't know what they call these schools in England or the US or whatever - suffice to say that both source and idiot were 18 years of age at the time) was really stupid. You know the type, but then again, maybe you haven't stumbled across a case quite as fascinating as this one - she though Nelson Mandela was a country. And it gets worse...
In biology (fairly high level) the class and teacher were discussing doping of athletes, and the negative effects this could have on the body. The girl (in all seriousness) actually suggested, and very correctly I might add, that you remove the athletes' kidney - that way they wouldn't be able to dope themselves! It's true, I'll give her that much - but why not just go straight for the heart?
(BigMoose, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 1:01, Reply)

Not quite...
...I had a client who asked why we didn't deliver the offsite backups of his website to his office (because we deliver them to your bank, like you asked, you muppet...)

But the best was the woman who rang a wrong number. Think snooty, and getting snootier by the second (her, not me):
Her: Hello, is that the Yorkshire Evening Press?
Me: I'm sorry, I think you've got the wrong number.
Her: Can you put me through to the classified advertisements section?
Me: I'm very sorry, but this isn't the paper, it's a private house.
Her: Now stop being silly and put me through to the advertising desk.
Me: I think you've got the wrong number.
Her: I'm going to speak to your editor and have you sacked!
Me: Good luck (*click*)
( esganorp has no hummus, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 0:44, Reply)

Bikeshop.
I work in a halfords bikehut (Big superstore deeley with cycles upstairs on a mezz floor) about 500 yards down the road from an IBD (small, independant bike shop....you know the kind.)

One woman came in asking about Mongoose BMX's. Do you have any in? she asks...
No, says I, we dont stock them.
Yes you do, says she, I asked last week and you (pointing at me) said you'd be getting the new ones any time soon.

we argued back and fore for about 10 minutes. Turned out she's got us mixed up with IBD down the road (Huge superstore WITH STAIRS Vs small, two room IBD) and got me (5'9", dark long hair, funny goatee thing) mixed up with Stu from IBD (6'4", red ginger hair, ZZ top beard)

Dont get me started on the bloke who wanted to put stunt pegs on his road bike.
(Bommer remembered to log in, Fri 2 Jan 2004, 0:06, Reply)

My trials and tribulations
I worked in a pub for a few years and had quite a number of stupid (and drunken customers) Some of the highlights were:

I was walking past a table of snooty travel agents (all women) who were enjoying some of our fine fayre . One of their number grabbed me (even though my arms were fully loaded with plates) and asked me if I had any special sauce. I smiled at her and said " I do, but it's not on the menu love". I winked and walked away.

I had a German customer come in and he seemed very bemused at the fact the pub was not also a bureau de change, despite my constant asuurances that we weren't, plus me directing him to the bureau just down the road.

I also had this conversation.
"Hello, (name of pub omitted)"
"hi, do you wrap jewellery?"
"no, we're a pub"
"so you don't wrap jewellery then?"
Muppet.
(Mr.Handsome, Thu 1 Jan 2004, 23:37, Reply)