Clicking ‘Ignore’…

Ok I’ll admit it – I am responsible for the odd shit joke and pun now and then. Properly shit, too. A few efforts so fucking cringeworthy that they make you want to groan, extract your eyes from their sockets, pound the floor and demand the precious time back that you wasted reading such sanctimonious uberwank.

I’m sorry.

But clicking ‘ignore’ seems a bit harsh to me – It’s not like us punners are one-trick ponies – People do other posts as well as puns you know. It’s not that difficult to just MTFU, reply and say ‘That was a fucking shit pun’, and move on. Go ahead...Believe me, I’m used to it.

Consider some people like Legless, SpankyHanky and Apeloverage – they are legends on this site who have entertained us for years – yet they have been guilty of the odd pun. What are you going to do? Click ‘ignore’? If you do you are potentially missing out on some brilliantly written, clever, and downright funny stuff. Such a tragic loss for the sake of a principle.

So many posts this week have been written with a kind of ‘each to their own’ theme and this one is no different. Maybe I’m lucky to have never been so outraged by a post that I’m compelled to click ‘ignore’. But can’t we live and let live?

*holds out arms for group hug whilst singing ‘We are the World’*
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 12:40, 8 replies)

Wagamammas
It's badly cooked overpriced piss-poor pan asian slop aimed at wannabe posh tossers who don't like food.

It's Macdonalds with chopsticks.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 12:38, 4 replies)

I don't get Charlie Brooker
There, I have said it, I know he is some sort of B3ta swoon idol but I just find him rather offensive and a little bit too obnoxious and insulting to be palatable.
I mean, its not like we haven't had a long list of people who have made a career pointing out to us that tv is, in general, a load of old bollocks already. All this "he speaks the truth, he is the messiah" malarky is worrying to say the least.

He is just a Victor Lewis-Smith with an [edit: even bigger] attitude problem.
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 12:26, 2 replies)

Opposites.
Just never worked for me.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 11:56, Reply)

Talking Shite About Cars!
Seriously! It's just a car. Get the smallest, most environmentally sensitive one you can, drive it sensibly from location A to location B AND THATS IT! Thats all we need to know about cars. EVER!
(3badcats, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 11:55, 5 replies)

Queen!
If someone doesn't like a band I like then that's fine by me.
If I don't like one of their bands then they usually don't care.
But as soon as I say I don't like Queen there's an uproar!

'You don't like real music!'
'Not even one song?'
'They're classic!'

Why am I supposed to like them? I agree that they're great musicians and have been a huge influence on music but I don't like any of their songs!

What makes this worse is my friends feel the need to blast out all their songs on a regular basis, singing as loud as they can while grinning and going 'haha you hate this don't you!'

Which just gives me the impression that all Queen fans are smug, ignorant cunts! (I'm sure some of you are lovely!) =)
(Cockney_Jesus is targetting your mum in V.A.T.S!, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 11:24, 7 replies)

The Casimir effect
I just don't get it.
(StrongBad =! strong% AND StrongBad =! bad%: StrongBad = 1/0, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 11:23, Reply)

Vectors (used for anything other than logos or logotypes)
I don't care that they took hours to make; they look like arse. I could get the same effect just by running a few filters over a photo. It's like building a model out of St Paul's Cathedral out of paperclips and spit -- it takes ages and requires skill, but the end result is hideous.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 11:12, Reply)

I don¨t have kids yet...
...But I have got a nailgun.

As we know, history dictates that today's fashion will be dead and burried in 2 years or so.
We all know that some unimaginative tit will then bring it back from the dead as some sort of ridiculous revival.

Fate will have it that, come the youth of my potential children, the fashions of the late 20th and early 21st century will come around again. The low-slung jeans won't be the Actual jeans that were worn, The stupid sleeveless Adidas and Nike tops won't be the actual same ones either...

My utter hatred for low-slung trousers however will be the exact same unbridled contempt, and my nailgun will be from the correct era. If I have a daughter, and if she brings a 20th century fashion-victim underpants-exposing boy home, I'll fix his gangstah trousers for him with some genuine fucking 20th century nails in a genuine fucking 20th century nailgun.

***********

Yeah.. the combination of possibilities makes it all highly unlikely, but this is one of the potential futures that I'm happy to prepare for.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 10:58, Reply)

Hating
I'm going to sound like some kind of left-wing, liberal namby-pamby - but in fact nothing could be further from the truth...

However, I don't understand the attraction of getting worked up to the point of frothing at the mouth about things people don't like.

It's such a common thing, with a lot of people who are otherwise intelligent, urbane and reasonable completely losing it and going on a massive diatribe about usually either religion or politics.

I don't much care for organised religion myself, but I also don't care to hear the ranted opinions of those who oppose it because of their own ideological reasons. Same with R and B music. Yes, I think it's mainly pretty shit, but I'm not going to waste my time ranting and raving about how shit it is.

Imagine how much could get done if the people who spend time moaning about things that they don't enjoy or understand used that time and energy productively?
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 9:56, 4 replies)

Boris and the near side window…

About 6 months ago I went out to my car and spotted what most people have experienced at least once in their lifetime – A little spider had made himself a home somewhere inside the casing of one of the door mirrors on my car. Industrious little shit-wad he was, and in no time at all he had beavered away feverishly, creating a cute little web between the mirror and the door.

Now I respect all forms of life – I avidly watch David ‘King-dong’ Attenborough and everything. So I simply thought ‘Awww’ to myself, then wished the little fella good luck on his quest for a lunch of insecty goodness before driving away contentedly.

The next day however, his web had grown exponentially…and my car door was beginning to resemble a set from ‘Tales from the Crypt’. "Hmm – that’s becoming quite unsightly" I thought – but once again I didn’t want to disrupt the delicate balance of nature, so whilst humming the tune to ‘Circle of Life’ I let him off with a warning.

The present Mrs Twisty Cheeky however, had other Ideas. Unfortunately a few days later, she was dressed to the nines for a dinner party, and when she leaned to open the passenger side door she inadvertently put her hand through a thick sticky string of web which by now consisted of so much secreted spider arse produce that if it was stretched out, would reach from here to Alpha Centauri.

“Yeeeuuch!” She screamed…“What the twat?”. “Oh, It’s only Boris” I replied nonchalantly (I had named him by now) “Everybody’s gotta eat you know”. “I don’t give a slippery wank-spanner!” – She yelped before fixing me with an icy glare that showed she meant business and declared: “GET.FUCKING.RID!”

Begrudgingly, I picked up a twig from the ground and with a touch of sorrow, I ruined Boris’ own dinner plans for the night as with commanding chivalry I trashed his web and surely consigned poor Boris to a brief fleeting life of starvation and despair.

Not a trace was left…until the next day.

It appears that I had pissed Boris off.

Now, I don’t know if he got his mates to help, or put in some fucking overtime or what, but the next morning my passenger side door was so plastered in dew covered webby threads that I half expected Tobey Maguire to jump out and start brawling the Green Goblin in the middle of it.

‘Fuck this for a lark’ I thought and with the diamond-cutting stare from the missus wedged firmly in my mind, I again pick up something from the ground and mercilessly remove every trace of cacky webness from the mirror area.

Yet the next morning…and every morning after...I am greeted by the same appalling sight - Boris 1 – Mr Twisty Cheeky 0. By now my car has had so much silk shat over it that if I had stored it all up I would now be able to put half of China out of business.

Over the months Boris has survived the heat, the wind and the rain. In fact, the only time I’ve properly seen him is when I’m driving and I check the mirror. It appears that at these moments he likes to venture out and catch the breeze – and when I accelerate he likes to cling on to his web and vibrate manically as if it’s some kind of extreme sport. What I must look like, driving along on my own, with the passenger side window down and me leaning over, flapping about wildly and shouting ‘CUNT!’ as I try and fail to wallop a whooping Boris as he twangs along merrily cheering whatever is the spider equivalent of ‘Cowabunga’...is anybody’s guess.

I have rammed sticks, bits of plastic, ice scrapers, credit cards and assorted things I find lying around into to the mirror casing – Every day he’s back with a freshly spun ‘fuck you fatty’ message of defiance.

I have run him through a car wash – blasted him with Jet-wash – sprayed aerosol cans in the mirror cavities…all to no avail.

There could be a fucking nuclear war and there’d be nothing left but cockroaches and Boris, clinging to my mirror like a crab to a pube

What is the fucking hairy cunt-brick bastard attraction with my fucking car door mirror? Surely there’s got to be better places to set up your web – he’s gotta be lucky if he gets to eat half a gnat a week! And he must have sussed by now that he’d have more luck with a web that doesn’t get systematically destroyed every 12 hours or so from a ranting looney 50000 times his size?

Why doesn’t he just give up? The little fucking webby BASTARD!.

Believe me, my car door mirror is not all that brilliant. It just can’t be worth the grief - It boggles the mind...

*and breathe*
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 9:32, 12 replies)

Long nails
Why the funk does every Sydney princess see the need to get plastic nails installed?? They're grotty, creepy and they make you look like trampy strumpets you precious Gaga wannabes...
STOP IT OR I'LL GET THE CLEAVER.
(spidaminida, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 3:23, 1 reply)

Living TV
Show some fuck awful pograms. But I can't see the fascination with Most Haunted. Why is it so popular? Ex Blue Peter presenter wanders around a bit jittery whilst a mad scouse puts on funny voices and a crap show for the camera. All under the marvellous night-vision camera.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 2:25, 6 replies)

/rant mode engaged
x-factor and other such shite - if I want to hear badly done karaoke, I'll go to a karaoke bar. until then, I'll stick to listening to artists who a. have something to say and b. have the talent to back it up.

heat/now/ok/hello/whatever z-list celeb magazines - jesus wept. the only time I ever imagine wanting to read these turgid piles of shite is when they're covering Peaches bleeding Geldof, Cheryl 'Ronseal' Cole and that Jordan creature being ceremonially fed into a woodchipper. slowly. feet first.

Madonna - silly, vastly overrated up her own arse bint with a lack of talent as vast as her opinion of her own intelligence seems to be.

Alan Carr - look, I get it, you're gay. Now go away you tedious bastard.

Peter Kay - fat unfunny cunt.

eastenders - good lord, how depressing is this programme? I've seen episodes of 'Auschwitz: The Nazis And The Final Solution' that were more pleasant.

going out for the sole pleasure of getting ten pints down me and then kicking seven bells out of someone for wearing glasses/looking a bit 'weird'/looking at my bird (delete as applicable)

the twats on the london underground that dont seem to realise you have to let people get **off** the tube before they can get on. trying to walk through me will not work. and standing in front of me staring and gawping wont make me get out of your way either. the tube will not leave without you - things will go far easier all round if you just stand to one side and show a bit of patience. you utter, utter cunts.

/rant mode disengaged.

But I'm sure there would be more if I stopped to think about it.
(tjn whizzing on the electric fence of life, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 1:46, 5 replies)

Anti-religion rants.
Okay. You're a rabid-foaming-at-the-mouth-hardcore-believer Atheist. I get it. Now please shut up about it. You're a religious nutcase like all the others. Get over it.
You can't prove God exists, and you can't prove God doesn't exist. You can stamp your little feet and pout your lip and threaten to hold your breath or thqueam and thqueam and thqueam until you're sick all you want, but you still can't prove God doesn't exist.

In the meantime, stick with your faith but keep it to yourself, okay?
(gordonjcp, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 1:41, 33 replies)

Last one before I go to bed
I can't see why people still have Ann Summers parties. They're sooooo 1990s. Back then it was a novelty, girls only night in, get pissed, talk about vibrators, the chance of winning an eraser shaped like a cartoon willy. But why is it still on the go? Their products are far cheaper elsewhere. (Compare the prices at Love Honey for example). and do girls need an excuse to have a night in/out? Can they not just organise one off their own backs rather than having a cackling harridan inviting people round so she can go "ooh, now here's a big one to get the fellas jealous, nyaa-ha-ha-haa"*

* based on a friend of Mrs SLVA who used to be a party organiser 15 years ago or so
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 1:06, 4 replies)

I can't see why
winged beasts are so attracted to my blood. I was bitten on the lower shin by something last week whilst I slept, and the itching woke me up. Or rather scratching myself raw in my sleep woke me up. Eventually, the swelling went away along with the 2 inch wide blemish that looked not unlike a port-wine stain birthmark thing.

I've now got a tiny tiny scab, which I've just accidentally pulled off whilst scratching my leg and now I'm losing a lot of claret.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 0:44, 7 replies)

To develop Voodoo-Child16's post earlier
I don't get why people feel the need to bash Microsoft.

I have no gripes with IE (it does the job and doesn't necessitate an extra download).

Windows Media Player (does the job, plays the mp3s and doesn't feel the need to take over my computer like Quicktime or RealPlayer does)
I took advantage of The Ultimate Steal offer and now use Office 2k7. I've been using Office since v4.3, and it does what I want. There is Open Office which apparently is just as good, but not to me it wasn't.

I use Visual Studio and SQL Server. They let me accomplish what I want to do. I have no intention of learning MySQL or fucking Perl either.

The worst offenders are those that will cry "I hate Microsoft and I won't use any of their shit software" but then still use Windows.

Then there's Linux. Yes, I've tried various distros of Linux several times. Suse 6.3 was the first many years ago. I've tried Debian, Red Hat and a couple of weeks ago, I even downloaded the all singing all dancing Ubuntu. And do you know what? It was counter-productive. I didn't get anything done because I didn't know what I needed to do to achieve what I wanted.
"Well, what's the difference? You had to learn how to use Windows didn't you?." Yes I'll admit that I did, but I know how to use it now and there's no justification in setting myself back 15 years to learn a new system.
"Oh, you didn't give it chance". I don't want to have to learn a new OS, and dick about with config files, and look on forums to see why my printer no longer works.

Along with Visual Studio, I use Corel Draw and some Adobe products. "Oh, but you can run them under WINE"
"WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT???" That's like instead of saying what you're thinking, you write it down first and then read it out loud. If you want to use Linux, then good for you. But don't bore me about how much better than Windows you think it is, and most certainly don't try to convert me because I couldn't care less.

and the same goes for Mac users, you smug cunts.

Edit: Can I just make myself clear? I'm not saying any particular system is better than any other, but it's the need to prattle on about it like a sanctimonious twat that I don't see the point of.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 0:15, 10 replies)

a very public apology
Ah busted it is then.

A short lived experiment and very childish behaviour I fully admit. My most sincere apologies to anyone I may have offended but my most sincere grovelling has to go to bex – a shocking abuse of her trust and good nature. I am as she says a twat.

People running around going ‘your mum’ and calling everyone a cunt is hardly a shocker here. But of course if I’m wrong and anyone is genuinely offended by a thoroughly obnoxious persona intent on being a complete prick then again I do apologise.

It was fun for a while. I did make it clear from the offset I was a regular intent on mischief (I’m not the first or the last). I put enough of my usual witterings in there to make it blisteringly obvious and bex to her credit spotted that pretty quickly. I have to bow to the fact bex had the instinct it was me so it’s only fair she outs me proper.

I’ve posted on here as myself for nearly five years I think by now it’s pretty clear I’m probably only a level 4 cunt (assuming talk is at least 9).

If bex is not happy to accept my full apology then I will take my sorry self and go away for good. (I can hardly sign up and post as someone else I’m clearly rubbish at it) I have to concede I’d miss the place but if asked to leave I will.

If I grovel any further I’ll be part cunt, part rug. but i am very sorry indeed.

Oh and al – I’m not pretentious. I’m pretentious & condescending.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 23:37, 24 replies)

I pressed Extend Mode+Symbol Shift+L
Not sure about what happened though. I don't understand the ATTR action.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 21 Oct 2009, 23:20, 2 replies)

everybody else and not me
Reality tv

Lady Ga Ga ( must be destroyed )

Much of todays popular culture leaves me cold.
(shug, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 22:56, Reply)

You know what really grinds my gears?
Firefox - or more specifically, the people who use it. Or, even more specifically, the cnuts who tell me how much better it is than IE.
Fuck off. "Oh it's much faster!" No it's not, I've tried it. I didn't find it any faster.
If you use it, great, enjoy. I don't mind the program, it's fine. But I'm happy with IE so don't tell me I'm a dick because of it.

Oh and saying "Goodnight" to Facebook. Fuck off. No-one cares. Facebook is for posting things which are significant or which other people might care about. Thoughts, feelings, a song you're loving at the moment; I can tolerate this. But "Nyyte Facebookersz"?? Fuck right off. There's no need for that 'sz' ending either, you cunt.

Nyyyyyyte b3tardsz
Luv Yooo!
x
(Voodoo-Child16 Pissed in their Champagne on, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 21:56, 3 replies)

Modern fashion
I don't get modern "cutting edge" fashion at all - you just look like a fucking idiot in public - should anyone take photos of you, you'll look like a twat forever.

I offer mantyhoses as evidence - news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8272962.stm


(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 21:27, 15 replies)

Indian Call Centres
agghhh Just spent 2 long hours trying to get my modem working
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 21:22, 4 replies)

Computers
I don't get it - people are endlessly fascinated by them - what they can do - what they'll enable you to see - what games you can play...

Don't get me wrong, I get the internet - it's computers - Vista, XP, 7, Server 2003, Server 2008, SQL, Oracle, Leopard....

God it leaves me cold - I want nothing more than to retire to a cave with logs, an axe and a saw.

What do I do for a living? I'm a highly specialised and qualified Microsoft technical Consultant. Oh the irony.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 21:18, Reply)

The X Factor - Well, the pregnant "And the winner is" pause
I've not read all the thread, but the X Factortype programs make me want to lean into the TV and rip the head off that smug what's'his'face that presents it.

Not just him though - all those morons and fuckwits that pause for what seem like an eternity with "the person singing next week is......."

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT BUILDING THE MOMENTUM JUST SAY WHO THE FUCKING WINNER/LOSER IS

As for that stupid "I'm a celebrity skating" program - "We'll reveal the next freakshow-celeb who you've never heard of going out" after the break. No, you won't as I'll have shoved my head into a blender long before you come back.

How do I know about these - my OH watches them - ergo, I watch them...
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 21:14, 5 replies)

Weeeeeed..................
Now I never claimed to be one of the in crowd whilst growing up, indeed I prided myself on being individual. I told myself I was taking things at my own pace and dag nan it if I wanted to stay in of a weekend instead of going out and drinking cider down the park with the other kids then that was what I was going to do. So I did.

My mum said i was a home body (bless her) but really this is a nice way of saying i was a dullard. A grumpy old woman in a 16 year old body, without the outragousness that old ladies get (at least the ones in my family but that’s another story). For some reason I feel the need to try and sort this out every so often. Maybe it’s the feeling that i’m missing something interesting or maybe it’s my inner nosy old lady but I often feel the need to try something different or new. This has led mostly to disaster and my inner grump coming to the forefront. This occassion was no different.

At the ripe old age of 30 (told you I was a late starter) I recently found myself in Amsterdam with the bright idea of visiting a coffee house to sample their wares. I ordered a bad boy space cake and then waited. And waited........ I wandered round the city for a bit and then Mr Topov decided that some Vodka would help things along. I got half way through my drink when a sudden feeling of gormlessness took over. The walls were catching my attention and damn it if they wouldn’t let go.

I also talked a lot of crap and nonsense about cold eye balls (wtf?) and a hilarious story about a cat called Brian (I’d say you had to be there but something tells me you wouldn’t laugh even if you were, it wasn't that hilarious).Mostly, though I stared at the walls and floor......

So my question is this, why oh why does this stuff appeal to so many people? In future if I want to stare in awe at something really boring I’ll put the cricket on and chuck the remote in the washing machine.
(Topov, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 21:08, 5 replies)

Religion
faith in humanity hangs by a thread because of the sheer amount of imbeciles who cant take a step back and realise theyre completely and utterly demented. I'll end this rant before it even begins since ive deduced that words cannot express my distaste for this ridiculous delusion.
(Pimp my Clown is going back to the future on, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 21:07, 2 replies)

new asian bistro fusion look Macdonalds
do you think i'm as thick as your fetid milkshakes?

beige and brown formica aint foolin me mate

its still lard spatterd youths flinging flattened dog turds on a 'bun'

and stop calling them sandwiches you pus ridden buffoon
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 20:59, 2 replies)

Tate Modern
Thank god it's free or I would have asked for my money back.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 20:52, Reply)