A once popular children's presenter, now a convicted nonce is also very smelly.
Cunt, Rolf, reeks.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Wed 29 Oct 2014, 10:30, 4 replies)

i'm not really a control freak, in fact i'm much more on the lazy bitch end of the spectrum, but it is essential that things are on odd numbers
little things, like the tv volume.

this can get really awkward if you're with someone who has the opposite problem and has to have them on even numbers (more common than you'd think, the weirdos). or if it's someone else's house. it's hard to surreptitiously lean on the remote and raise or lower the volume by just a notch...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Oct 2014, 9:52, 20 replies)

Probably not a sex offender
I know a guy, let's call him "Fred" because that's his actual name.

He moved to England to work in our company with two other guys, so they all grabbed a shared house together. This let them jabber in their filthy foreign lingo without bothering proper people.

Anyhoo, one day the two other lads come into work and By Jove, they were upset. Veritably whey faced and shaking they were!

It turns out that whilst they were out, Fred had tidied their laundry up. All their socks were paired and their grotty pants had all been ironed and folded neatly in their drawers.

The horror!
(csdaveuk, Wed 29 Oct 2014, 9:52, 2 replies)

For the really uptight types
How does a brain anus rhythm instantly kill you

See? Being an anal retentive control freak can be fatal.*

*May not be fact.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 28 Oct 2014, 11:39, 1 reply)

Long ago I worked for a land surveyor.
We had a large tract along one of the Finger Lakes in New York to survey, and were instructed to locate all of the trees above a certain size as we did it. We were to identify the species of tree and put it on the map. No problem.

We were then hired to draw up a subdivision plan for this parcel. It was owned by five very rich twats who all wanted large lakefront lots. Again, no problem.

We submitted copies of the plan to each of the owners. That was when the problems began, as each one wanted to own particular trees by the lake. We got three requests for revision a week, and after a while the mylar I drew it on started to wear thin from erasing. (And if you've ever dealt with mylar you'll know how difficult that is!)

Eventually I was told to set it aside and not revise it further. The revision requests continued to pour in for another couple of weeks until my boss finally told them to sit down and hammer it out among themselves. Apparently there was a huge battle.

Eventually they all agreed to a plan, but for fuck's sake- fighting over trees? What a bunch of cunts, sending us endless rolls of plans of this wank.

Cunt rolls. Freaks, the lot of them.

(Edited to add a shite pun at the end)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 28 Oct 2014, 6:27, 3 replies)

Head
My father in law was a primary school head teacher and magistrate, so his control freakery hit extreme levels. Examples include:
- counting out potatoes so everyone got exactly the same number (whether you wanted them or not). He referred to this as the 'regulation number of potatoes'.
- obsessively pointing out dog crap on the pavement whenever we were within 10 m of it. I'm surprised he didn't get the family to walk in crocodile.
- timing our visits to, well, anywhere really. If he felt we had been somewhere too long he would start to huff and puff and look at his watch. Planning holidays was like a military operation.
- drinks had to be taken at particular times of day, e.g. coffee at 11am, tea at 4pm, glass of wine at 6pm on the dot. He would start to get extremely nervous if the appointed time was missed. Possibly connected to the issue of timing visits out.
- breakfast always had to be exactly the same: orange juice (to be drunk before the meal, not after), a small bowl of muesli, 2 slices of toast, tea.
- phone calls had to be planned to the millisecond. If you didn't call when you said you would he would panic. He would sit by the phone 5 minutes before the appointed time, waiting for the call.
Add to this that he was a small-minded bigot with a taste for petty bureaucracy, and you can imagine that we had a very happy friendship...
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 28 Oct 2014, 5:41, 1 reply)

Towel.
I'm fairly easy-going, in general, but after patiently explaining to my nearest and dearest a million times or more that it's best if my towel isn't chucked casually onto the bathroom floor, necessitating a stark bollock naked run to the airing cupboard for a fresh one, I now get remarkably irate if it's so much as ruffled.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Mon 27 Oct 2014, 22:54, Reply)

American Lawyer
(Boring wording). I used to be a lawyer for well known firm, let's call it "Something & Company". One particular client was an inhouse lawyer who worked for a giant US company. We were to produce an English law contract for her as they were doing something in the UK that required our input.

The contract was produced to my usual high standard but, no, this was not acceptable. It had to be redone in a particular style, i.e. same words but presented in a different format in terms of numbering, font, etc. "OK," say I, "That's now what the UK people who read it will expect but we can accommodate you - after all the client is always right." Nine drafts later, the words remained the same. The content remained the same. The legal effectiveness remained the same. However, the document had been renumbered, re-spaced, re-sized, re-indented, reformatted for US legal paper (despite being used in the UK on A4), re-everythinged short of actually changing the words. She even insisted that the name of the firm I worked for be changed from "Something & Company" to "Somethingandcompany".

All done happily on an hourly rate of £300. Probably £10,000 in finely tuning a perfectly good document that cost (a very reasonable) £3,000 in the first place.

tl'dr: boring lawyer does boring stuff to long document at whim of control freak which costs her lots of money
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Mon 27 Oct 2014, 12:37, 17 replies)

In Minecraft:
I get annoyed when people knock holes in smoothstone walls and then patch it with cobblestone. Leaving unlit voids when levelling land irritates me. The least said about newer members who cane our gold supply to make gold equipment, the better.

#VirtualWorldProblems
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Mon 27 Oct 2014, 10:07, 8 replies)

I went on a date with a guy and quite enjoyed it, plus he really fancied me and wanted to see me again, so I sent two short, friendly texts the following day.
He phoned me that evening and kicked off, saying he did not tolerate people texting him more than once in a day. He went on and on for almost an hour. Then, he sent me about five texts, re-iterating the importance of not "interrupting his day and putting new thoughts in his head" by texting.

I cancelled the second date.
(Porcupine, Mon 27 Oct 2014, 9:39, 6 replies)

That's why everyones so fucking fat. they won't listen to reccomendation

( Glovington, Mon 27 Oct 2014, 7:53, 2 replies)

One of my pet peeves
is not being able to find the remote for the TV or the cable or the DVD player. I'll go to sit down to watch TV and have to spend a good chunk of time figuring out where the damn remotes are. Usually they end up being in the sofa cushions, but often they'll be underneath the sofa or a chair, and sometimes they'll be in another room altogether because someone carried it while going to get something from the kitchen or some such.

I don't think it's entirely unreasonable of me to find this annoying, and recently announced that I was going to get a length of wood and attach the lot of them to that, a sort of universal remote that can't be lost.

And now I'm labeled as a control freak.
(Shimrod, Mon 27 Oct 2014, 5:41, 13 replies)

Sorri, Sweetiez
but I's has another one.

Imagine, if you will, a confidence trick involving a giveaway at a farm shop and a social media miscreant.

Do I even need to say...


Con Troll Free Eggs


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bisto

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 26 Oct 2014, 17:48, 8 replies)

Roll-up cig prob
I've got into the habit of making roll-up cigarettes, and have run out of papers. I only use special imported papers from Bolivia and my usual supplier is having problems with his supplier. He won't be able to get any more in until next weekend!

So I... can't roll for a week.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sat 25 Oct 2014, 11:00, 10 replies)

Tosser, go away

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 24 Oct 2014, 21:42, Reply)

this is like totally true and everything. I knew this guy who was into size 14 women. he was very specific
about the size and about skin care. He would keep women in a deep well he had in his basement. He had a great catch phrase.




"And then I shit myself"


Booooooooooooooooo
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 20:33, 14 replies)

People who want to specify the manner of Dr Skagra's demise.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 19:42, 1 reply)

Mark E. Smith
out of The Fall, is rumoured to be a bit of a control freak. I don't know if this is true or not though. But I do like his music. Him and U2.

That's all for nao sweatys!

Xxxxxxxxxxxx
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 19:29, 3 replies)

I once posted something 404 pixels wide on /board and it all kicked off

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 19:15, 6 replies)

Witty title
(tiresome made up story about how a certain Australian celeb-paedo smells really bad)

... so you could say that cunt Rolf reeks!
(jrd, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 16:36, 4 replies)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
A control freak, now you say "a control freak who?" OK!
( Peej, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 15:21, 4 replies)

I recall a long holiday drive to Salt Lake City, and back
Control Freak was driving; I was his passenger. He wasn't adventurous or daring: quite the opposite. He grew up in Chicago and learned early his urban defenses: keep the windows rolled up, the doors locked, don't talk to anyone, and, oh yeah, control of the radio is not for you. I kept pointing out the Mormons of Utah are the least menacing, most pleasant, most inoffensive people the Earth has to offer, but he wouldn't be gulled into complacency. So off we drove hundreds of paranoid miles across the magnificent empty plateaus of southern Utah, glaring suspiciously at the few, friendly, distant people we saw, until we came to the Great Salt Lake. We stared at the inland sea for a few minutes, then returned.

At the trip's end I had had enough. So, I punched him. He bounced off a bookcase, spun into me, and through no effort of his own ended up sitting on me. My friends were aghast at the inappropriateness of it all.

Strangely enough, the stress and sleeplessness of that trip, coupled with a particularly beautiful sight among the rock arches of southern Utah, provided the only genuinely religious epiphany I've ever had in my life. But you couldn't pay me to repeat the trip.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 15:10, 3 replies)

I know someone who always uses a teaspoon to measure out instant coffee
rather than just tipping in what they need from the jar. And they don't even change what they do if one teaspoon is of a noticealy different size to another.

In fact, I know a lot of people who do this. Pretty much everyone in fact.

Now that you mention it, I would like a lie-down.
( joefish It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 14:33, 44 replies)

4th behind three F5 pressing control freaks

( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 14:29, Reply)

I have an excellent story,
But I'm only going to tell it to you once you're all sitting still... and I'd BETTER NOT HAVE ANY INTERRUPTIONS.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 14:05, Reply)

VVV You mother fucker VVV
I'm taking my internets home with me
(LetsGetDownToIt, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 14:03, Reply)

I insisted on posting first.
(Edit - even though the question had already been open five minutes. So it looks like noone really cares.)
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 14:02, 2 replies)