Proper Chilli Con Carne!!!!!
I have read a few chili recipes here so far but mine is significantly better!

In a large wok, add a good glug of olive oil, add shitloads of garlic, onions, cumin seeds, brown sugar, hottest chilis you can find (I was in heaven when Dorset Nagas were available last year locally) Scotch bonnets will suffice.

add mustard powder, mix together - dont let it get any colour or it will taste like rotten spunk.

now add a good 'holds up hand' that much lemon juice so it bubbles, add a good 'this much' white/red wine vinegar (or wine) now add your tinned tomatoes, at this stage sprinkle in you mince beef being careful not to break it into lumps.

add a good few heaped spoons of salt, loads of black pepper, tomato purée and stir.

throw in a rinsed tin of kidney beans, a few bay leafs, and dried oregano and basil, fresh rosemary. add a knob of butter.

stir, and let it bubble away. taste.

add seasoning, more lemon and wine.

bubble for as long as possible. Serve.

I eat alone because I have no friends so dish up and let cool. it will be amazing over the next few days.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 13:46, 19 replies)

FIRE IN THE HOLE!
I rather foolishly once allowed my old housemate to cook for me one night, after having discussed my steak chorizo and lime chilli recipe (forthcoming)
this was the night before a festival.
you know when you can pinpoint exactly what's gone wrong with a recipe from look and taste?
having not watched him cook this, i can tell you with some certainty that his recipe was, as follows:

take pack of shitty cheap mince
add most of a container of hot chilli powder, one chopped white onion, a tin of cheap tomatoes, a tin of kidney beans and a small pinch of cumin. throw into a saucepan and cook over fierce heat until the bottom smoulders and welds itself to the pan.
serve to friend who is about to spend four days in a field with terrifying portaloos.

i managed to eat about 1/3 of a bowl before my eyelids were sweating so fiercely i couldn't see. i abandoned ship, claiming to be full (tact) and went and guzzled a pot of greek yoghurt. nothing. tried fresh fruit, banana, chocolate, milk, nothing would extinguish the flames. horrible horrible stuff. i retreated to my room whimpering, and after about half an hour, my innards started to make a noise like a dishwasher draining.

this was only the start.
seriously, my arsehole was like a fucking oxyacetylene lance for three days. forget shit through the eye of a needle, i could have melted the needle and the hand holding it. imagine that, but happening in the confines of portaloos in thirty degree heat, i'm sweating, tears in my eyes, clutching a woefully inadequate amount of cheap scratchy festival toilet paper, with mount fucking vesuvius blasting clods of molten magma out of my jacksie like a goddamn gatling cannon loaded with mace. the smell is indescribable, i actually exited a portaloo once, the person behind me stepped in, LEAPT out, caught up with me to call me a dirty bastard..
i have never forgiven him for the event. anything he ever cooks again, i look at with the same distrust i would give a hole in the road covered with corrugated iron if i was driving through afghanistan in an army jeep.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 13:41, 7 replies)

Three words...
... Mushy pea toasties!

I know it sounds grim, but put in the cheapest mushy peas you can find, add a bit of curry powder and REMEMBER to let them cool down first (napalm mouth alert), and they're surprisingly good. Got me through uni!
(rampants, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 13:36, 1 reply)

Kuantan Pork
Nice simple spicy south east asian dish.

Ingredients:

4 Pork Steaks
4 Spring Onions (Julienne)
4 Red chillis (deseeded and deveined (Julienne))
Small pack Beansprouts
100 ml Chicken Stock
50 ml Fish Sauce (Squid brand is best)
25 ml lime juice

Directions

Marinade the pork steaks in the fish sauce for half an hour.
Once marinaded grill pork steaks using the remaining marinade for the sauce.

Whilst grilling heat chicken stock and fish sauce in a large frying pan or wok.
Once sauce begins to bubble throw in chillis, spring onion and beansprouts.
Once the veg softens add the lime juice and simmer for 5 minutes.
Serve sauce over a bed of rice.
Slice the pork steaks thinly into long lengths and toss over the vegetables (ffnarr!)
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 13:35, Reply)

Garlic Mushrooms
The sort of thing you get served with a bit of toast and a pot of mayo.

Take a packet of button mushrooms. Clean them a bit by giving them a wash.

Take a couple of potion size pots of garlic butter (available in all large local shop killing supermarkets).

Place butter in frying pan, heat until melted, add mushrooms, fairly low heat. Move about until cooked through.

Serve with bit of triangular toast and maybe some may in an egg cup.

Ok it's hardly the best thing ever but it does make a nice starter if you are on a budget and doing spag bol.

5t.
(fivetide, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 13:17, 4 replies)

Poor Man's Nachos
Now granted, this recipe should only be made and consumed when you've been imbibing large quantities of alcohol.

INGREDIENTS!

Doritos®! (Let's say 4 packets, 2 cool ranch, 2 regular cheese).
Cheese! Grated. I like your basic cheddar, but whatever you like.
Beans! 1 can should do it.
Tomato Sauce! (The stuff you use with pasta - not ketchup!)
Mayo!

Get a microwavable or oven proof plate or bowl and begin layering the 'ingredients'.
I usually do Doritos® first, then beans, sauce, a little mayo and finally a liberal sprinkling of grated cheese. Don't overdo the beans and sauce because you don't want a big fucking soggy mess.

Repeat the layering process until you've ran out of Doritos®, microwave or bake (for some reason microwaving makes it taste better).
Finally consume and then curl into a corner and feel fat & guilty.
( dirtyscarab intends to live forever. So far, so good..., Fri 29 Jun 2012, 13:17, Reply)

Having
eaten at one of Anthony Worrall Thomson's restaurants a few times me and a few mates were eager to know what the sticky fingered cheese thief was actually like in RL. The concierge at the time said that he couldn't possibly comment, so we asked if we could sum him up in a sentence and he could just nod or shake his head, here's how it went -

'Is AWT a massive cunt?'

*nod*
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 13:03, 3 replies)

Simple veggie chilli
Piece of piss to cook, ideal if you have veggie friends / shags you need to cook for:

Ingredients:

3 onions
3-4 chillies (green for mild, red for hot, birds eye for mad hot)
2 tins kidney beans in chilli sauce
2 tins chopped toms
1 packet soya meat (not Quorn, trust me. Supermarket own brand will do)
1-2 peppers
punnet of mushrooms
Cooking oil

Method:

- chop onions, heat oil, fry onions in oil, as frying, add the chopped chillies. WASH YOUR HANDS after chopping the chillies. Chop peppers, add.
- fry for around 5 mins
- add the soya mince
- add the toms and the kidney beans. Add a bit of water if needs be, as the soya soaks up a lot of water
- stir, simmer on a low heat for at least 30 mins
- chop up the mushrooms, add
- cook for another 10 mins

Serve.
(TheImmortalJenkins, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 12:54, 4 replies)

cheese is nice in a sandwich.
although, i am an elitist so please feel free to disregard this top tip.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 12:54, 11 replies)

Ma Po Tofu (veggie version)
Dunno if you've tried Sichuan food, it's the spiciest, most mouth tingly food ever. The peppercorns actually make your mouth go numb so you can eat more chillis. It's the perfect soul food after a crappy day at work, and it takes less than 10 minutes to make, especially if you use a jar of garlic/ginger paste.
This is the veggie version, instead of mushrooms, you can fry up diced pork if that's your thing.

Ingredients:
2 large mushrooms, cut to tiny cubes
3/4 tsp salt
1 tbs soy sauce
1 tsp Chinese red vinegar
Groundnut oil
700 g regular (not silky) tofu, drained and cut into 2cm cubes
3 tbs chili paste
1 tbs soy bean paste
10 dried red chilies
1 tablespoon fermented black beans
2 tsp peeled and minced garlic
2 tsp peeled and minced ginger
200ml water
1 teaspoon granulated sugar
2 teaspoons light soy sauce
3 tbs cornstarch/ potato starch mixed into 100ml water
1 bunch spring onions, green tops only, finely sliced
1 tsp ground Sichuan peppercorns (toast and grind them yourself)

How to:
Add mushrooms and 3/4 tsp salt to a small bowl and mix well with your hands, pressing the salt into the mushrooms well. Add soy sauce and red vinegar and mix to combine. Let marinade for 5 minutes, then squeeze out all liquid by pressing mushrooms firmly between paper towels or cheese cloth. This bit is fun.

Heat a wok over high heat, add 2 tablespoons oil and when hot, add the mushrooms. Separate the pieces so they don’t clump. Once they are golden brown remove using a slotted spoon and transfer to a kitchen paper lined plate. Clean the wok and heat over high again.

Add 2 tablespoons oil to the wok and once heated, add the chili paste, soy bean paste, chilies, black beans, garlic and ginger and stir-fry for about a minute.

Add the water, sugar, and soy sauce and stir well to mix.

Slide the tofu and simmer for 3 minutes.

Mix the cornstarch well and then pour evenly into the wok. Stir gently and simmer for about 3 minutes until the sauce has thickened.

Add mushrooms back to wok.

Sprinkle the spring onions over top just before removing from heat.
Top with ground Sichuan pepper and serve immediately over medium grain white rice (tastes better of you soak the rice for an hour before cooking)

If this sounds like your sort of thing, Fuchsia Dunlop's Sichuan Cookery cookbook is amazing, highly recommended.
( gadjie, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 12:45, 6 replies)

Chilli
I cook quite a bit, and one of the best things I cook is a Chilli. It's been quite a success with various friends and family members asking for the recepie - so here goes.

Serves a fair few

Ingrediants
300g mince (substitute quorn mince if you're vegetarian)
2 decently spicy chillis (seeds left in)
3 cloves garlic
about half an inch of grated ginger root
1 Large orange or red pepper
Teaspoon tomato puree
Tin of kidney beans
Tin of chopped tomatoes
About half a pint/2-3rds of dark ale (hobgoblin works well)
About half a bar of dark chocolate (Bornville or whatever)

Chop all the garlic chillis and ginger and cook in oil at a decent heat untill they start to go a tiny bit soft. THen add the mince. Continue to cook till browned.

Add some tomato puree at this stage and just a bit of the beer (soaks up into the mince nicely). Continue to reduce till it's nearly dry and add the red pepper.

Add the kidney beans and tin of tomatoes. At this point add some more tomato puree and any seasoning you want (Paprica works well to give it a smoked flavour - corriander if you want a slightly sharper flavour)

Add the chocolate after it's been cooking for a bit, then leave to simmer and reduce for quite a while (Can be up to 40 min). Add beer periodicaly and then eat!

This works well with rice, in potatoes and in wrap things. It actualy tastes better if it's reheated - so you can double the quantities and freeze some.

Enjoy!
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 12:41, 2 replies)

Butternut squash and chilli soup.
Take a large squash, top and tail it, slice it in half lengthways, and scoop out the seeds. Put peppercorns, salt, garlic, cumin, a chopped chilli, and some oil into your mortar and pestle, give it a bit of a grind, then dollop that over the flesh of the squash. Roast until the flesh is soft enough to be scooped out with a spoon. This can take up to an hour, and some parts will soften slower than others, so patience is key.

As the squash approaches the time you'll remove it from the oven, soften onions and a red pepper in a pan, before adding the softened squash, and add some stock (vegetable or chicken, your choice). Add another chilli (if you so desire), season to taste, then blend it in the pan. I add a little chilli powder at the end, just to give it a little more strength, but this isn't essential.

I use standard red chillis for this, but you can use stronger ones if you like. I attempted a scotch bonnet one time, and hugely regretted it.

It keeps well, and makes several portions.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 12:23, 1 reply)

Barbecue ribs.
Took me a while to get BBQ ribs right, but have had a bit of success recently. It's a bit of a faff, but if you like ribs, worth the trouble.

Get racks of baby back ribs from Sainsbury's or wherever. The butchers counter usually has them unfrozen.

1. If you can, remove the very thin silvery looking membrane that covers the meat. It can be tricky, but persevere, it really has to go. It'll rip away, but takes a good pull to do.

2. Make a rub for the ribs. I use equal parts soft brown sugar, paprika, salt + ground black pepper.

Rub it over both sides of the ribs.

3. Put ribs in a low heat oven, on the middle shelf in a baking pan. On the lower shelf, put another pan with some kind of liquid. I use cider, but water will do. It's just to keep a bit of moisutre in the oven, to stop the ribs drying out.

4. Let them do their thing for a couple of hours. Keep an eye on them, so long as the over isn't too hot, they'll just happily cook.

5. When the meat has shrunk back from the bones about 1cm, they're about ready.

6. Brush on some of your favourite barbecue sauce (I like the Paul Newman sticky BBQ one), and bung them on the barbie for a few minutes. Turn them frequently to stop the sauce burning. When they're ready, brush on a bit more BBQ sauce and serve.
(username failed moderation, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 12:08, Reply)

A Nice cup of tea
Many years ago, when we were all witless students without a clue, we decided to make a cup of tea. This is how it turned out.

(Kind of a pearoast as I think it was featured in the newsletter about 6 years ago).
(Kushan just wants to fit in..to your mum, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 12:08, 4 replies)

Having a wife who is one of those immigrants that the Daily Mail keep going on about
means I have things in my fridge that I can not provide providence for. They are white lumps and I am honestly not sure whether they are animal, vegetable or mineral.

I'll ask her later and get back to you.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 12:03, 2 replies)

Road kill
Ingredients

- 1 mini metro
- two adventurous students
- 1 deceased squirrel
- 1 large cooking pot
- garlic, carrots, onions, bottle red wine.

Bring to boil, then simmer for approx. 3 hours.

Vomit, copiously.
( rofl harris, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 12:03, 3 replies)

And now a recipe
Carrot and coriander soup.with bacon. serves 4 or 3 fat cunts. or 2 really fucking fat cunts.

take 10 mid-size carrots. don't peel em. slice them into slicey slices about 5mm thick.
boil em in water with some veggie bouillion for about five mins. remove about 1/6 of the slices and put aside in a bowl. continue to boil the rest until done., then drain and set the water aside.

fry up one rough chopped white onion, the set aside carrot slices and about half a small box of chestnut mushrooms, thin sliced, in olive oil with a load of cracked black pepper, a shitload of ground cumin, and some fresh coriander until the carrots start to brown (the idea is some bite to them, so don't put too much in the pan and don't fear the heat)

blend the remaining carrot, add about 2/3 of the stock and a generous dollop of soured cream. add in about 1/3 a bunch of chopped fresh coriander, and a large heaped tbs of ground cumin. crush in 2 cloves of garlic, and add black pepper. simmer for a while, then add the fried onion, carrot and mushroom.
simmer on a low heat for about 45 mins.

grill until fairly crispy 4 rashers of bacon- meaty not streaky. chop into little pieces about 1cm and add to the soup mix.

simmer for another half hour.
serve with crusty brown bread n butter, and a sharp crumbly white cheese like wensleydale/cheshire. garnish with fresh coriander.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 11:57, 1 reply)

the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, she musta been aiming for another organ
I was dating a girl several years my junior, a 2nd year uni student.
that week, i'd cooked her a nice but simple italian meal, she decided to respond in kind.

I turned up at her house just as she was starting to cook.
so she's popped boiling water in a pan. salted it. added pasta. so far so good.
she's chopping an onion. nothing strange here.

ooookaaaaayyy. she's added the onion to the boiling water with the pasta. alarm bells are ringing.

she's now peeling a couple cloves of garlic. where is this going? please god not in the boiling water...

okay she's draining the pasta/translucent slimy boiled onion mess.
now she's heading to the fridge.. what fresh hell is this?

she's emptying a tub of cold, i mean chilled, co-op salsa dip, you know like you would dunk your doritos in, on top of the past and boiled onion.

christ.

but what about the garlic? i'm sure she peeled some garlic..

wait...
she's now GRATING the raw garlic into the lukewarm mess.
Aaaaand.. serve.



still makes me boggle. how did she survive uni? i didn't hang round much longer to find out.
footnote: to quell the inevitable questions of why i didn't say anything- equal parts not wanting to offend, and being tired of dragging my overfilled nutsack about like a fucking spacehopper.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 11:48, 10 replies)

Barbeque Chicken
Take one medium Supermarket chicken, get some lagers while you're there.

Wash chicken carcass, remove giblets if necessary.

Open can of lager, consume 1/2 can.

Insert can into business-end of chicken.

Set can & chicken combination, can-end down, on barbeque.

The heat from the barbeque cooks the outside of the chicken, whilst the beer condensing into steam, keeps the inside of the bird moist.

Once cooked, remove can, consume chicken.
(caescarna Hell's Roomba, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 11:46, 1 reply)

Sweetza
One from a year or two ago... me and my son had the idea of making a sweet pizza. So we got the dough ready (we made our own dough rather than using ready-made bases), baked it and added the toppings. We used Nutella instead of tomato puree and then threw a load of fruit like grapes, strawberries and banana slices on the top.
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 11:44, Reply)

Cheese and Onion Soup
Sure I've mentioned this before, but here it goes again.

Me (aged 8) and my sister (aged 4) decided to make some Cheese and Onion soup. Except we (ok, it was probably me) decided we could make it by leaving some cheese and onion crisps in a cup of cold water for a few hours.

It wasn't entirely successful. We just ended with something which tasted like dirty water and soggy, tasteless crisps.
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 11:41, Reply)

Cookbooks
I like to cook, and have lots of books. I only regularly use two though:

The Good Housekeeping Family Cookbook. You honestly cannot go wrong with this - even if you're a complete simpleton. Except for the Asian style broth. That was pretty awful, to be fair.

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Family-Cook-Book-Housekeeping/dp/1843403579/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1340965425&sr=8-3

Simon Hopkinson's Roast Chicken and other stories. He comes across smug as anything, but the man can cook. A lot more adventurous than the Good Housekeeping book (as you'd expect), but some fantastic recipes. And his roast chicken really is the best roast chicken it's possible to make.

www.amazon.co.uk/Roast-Chicken-Stories-Paperback-Cookery/dp/009187100X/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1340965519&sr=1-3
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 11:28, 1 reply)

Scotch Eggs
Not those ones you get in petrol stations. These are special. Source for the original recipe is my Mum, but I've adapted it a bit through trial and error (and Googling other recipes).

Perfect for a picnic with several people, or making your breakfast for the week in one go. I once made them for work when I started a new job. They always go down well (unless you work with lots of veggies).

You will need (for eight eggs):

- 10 eggs
- 16 sausages
- Plain flour
- Seasoning of your choice (I recommend a few spoonfuls of mustard, some herbs - sage, rosemary, and thyme being best - either fresh or dried , maybe dried chilli if you like that sort of thing, and definitely salt and pepper in large quantities)
- Breadcrumbs (easily bought in a packet in most supermarkets)

First, boil eight of the eggs. They will need about ten minutes (less if you like them soft in the middle). Once boiled, stick them in a pan of cold water immediately to cool and leave for ten minutes. Stick the oven on to preheat while you're waiting - about 180 degrees will do it.

Now you need to do your sausages. Use scissors or a knife to cut the skins, and put the meat to the side in dollops of two sausages per egg. Mix your seasonings into each dollop thoroughly with your hands. A little flour on your hand will help prevent the meat sticking, but it's still a messy business. You'll just have to deal with it.

Then, you build an assembly line. First, two sheets of polythene, second, a bowl of plain flour seasoned with salt and pepper, third, the remaining two eggs broken into a bowl (you need them to help bind the meat), and fourth, the breadcrumbs spread out on a plate. Lastly, you'll need a non-stick baking tray to put the finished articles into.

Peel the boiled eggs. Put some flour on one sheet of polythene, laid flat on the worksurface, then flatten one of your sausage dollops on it. Put the other sheet on top, and press the dollop flat between the two sheets until you have about a 15 cm round patty. Then, remove the top sheet, dip one of the boiled eggs in some flour, and place it in the middle of the meat. Use the remaining bottom sheet of polythene to help you roll the meat around the egg. You'll probably need to use your bare hands to finish it off and make the Scotch egg properly round.

Now, roll your scotch egg in flour, then raw egg, then breadcrumbs, then raw egg again. You might want to hold it over the bowl and let it drip for a few seconds to get rid of excess egg. Repeat process until you've done all the eggs

Stick them all on the baking tray once finished. Put them in the oven for about 30 minutes. And THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: turn them regularly. They will stick to the baking tray otherwise. They should end up nice and firm, with the breadcrumbs golden brown. If you're a massive fatty, you can drop them into a pan of boiling oil for a few minutes instead of baking.

And now you have some beautiful Scotch eggs.

Bonus fact: Scotch eggs, have fuck all to do with Scotland. They were invented by Fortnum and Mason of London in the 18th Century as a portable meal for coach travellers.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 11:16, 5 replies)

Hmm recepies
Strange one but hey ho. Are there any genuine Indians on here that can give me a great base recepie for a curry. All I find online is that BIR shit. My Indian mates always promise me they'll show me but we always end up getting pissed instead....Oh and I like it hot.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 11:15, 13 replies)

Does reheating an old qotw idea count?
We've done "crap food" about three times before, and now we have people explaining how to make fried egg sandwiches.

Still, it's been a while since someone posted about shitting themselves, so we're bound to get a couple of those to liven things up.

Best b3ta-sourced recipe I had, involved a chicken breast, stuffed with black pudding and wrapped in bacon, served with a sauce made from black pudding and cream. Only made it the once, as I think eating it reduces my life expectancy.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 11:07, Reply)

Smeg cooker
Once, in a state of advanced mindfuckery, a mate and I decided to try out all the recipes mentioned in Red Dwarf.

The results were as follows:

- Gazpacho Soup: yes, it tastes better warmed up.

- Kippers Vindaloo: amazing, the power of the curry matched by the strength of the smoked fish. It's become a favourite recipe. Mind you, it's best to avoid human company on the following day, or at least those sections of society where massive, room-clearingly evil farts are not acceptable.

- Triple-Decker Fried Egg Sandwich with Chilli Sauce and Chutney: another revelation, a real treat when hungover or on a shaky come-down.

Clearly, those boys know what they're talking about.*

Another example: page 61 IS the rudest one in Lolita.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 10:35, 9 replies)

A friend and I wanted fizzy drinks...
...but my parents never bought them and we had no money to buy them. And we didn't have a Soda Stream -- so we were stuffed, right?

Resourceful young chaps that we were, we had a think and came up with the next best thing...that's right, washing-up liquid!

So: orange squash plus a healthy squirt of Fairy (the original green stuff) plus water. Lovely and...well OK not so much fizzy as foamy but what the hey? Down the hatch...

...and quickly back up the hatch into the sink, on the kitchen floor and so on.

Nothing daunted, we tried freezing what was left to make er...well I don't really recall what the idea there was. Ice lollies that taste of detergent and make you vomit? Hmm.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 10:05, 5 replies)

Cookie monsters
Cakes. Lurvely cakes. I saw some particular cakes on t'internet and decided to try and make them. Now normally, when I try and copy something, it just comes out bollocks. But not these. These were BETTER than the originals looked.
So here is the recipe for cookie monster cakes. Makes about 16
250g butter room temperature (I use stork marg)
250g self-raising flour + pinch salt
250g caster sugar
4 medium eggs
Follow Victoria sponge mix method so…
1) Cream sugar and butter until pale and fluffy
2) Beat in eggs a little at a time with little bit of flour each time so it doesn’t curdle (or if have mixer add 1 egg at a time with 1 tbsp flour)
3) Fold in rest of flour with metal spoon gently to keep the air in
4) Put into cupcake/muffin cases
5) Bake middle oven 180 for about 25 mins until lightly golden
Icing:
300g icing sugar sifted
50g soft buffer
125g cream cheese cold
1) Mix together butter and icing sugar until mixed
2) Mix cream cheese in until smooth, but not too long as it can go runny. If it goes to runny add more icing sugar
3) Add food colouring and mix (if it goes runny again add a bit more icing sugar)
Mix desiccated coconut in with food colouring to get topping. This is the magic bit as you can’t get the icing to go true ‘cookie monster’ blue. BUT the coconut will slurp up the colouring lovely.
Eyes made with white choc buttons with small dark choc chips on top, can use writing icing pen or bit of water mixed with icing sugar to stick together. Double choc cookies for mouth halved and cut up
And here is what they looked like:

BTW, everyone loved them. They got tweeted and facebumdered to death. I work in 'trendy' media London and design agencies we knew were ringing up asking where we purchased them. I could have made a killing....
First time post so be gentle...
(hovisbiscuit a big boy did it and ran away..., Fri 29 Jun 2012, 9:59, 8 replies)

“The best dish you’ve ever tasted.”
Infamous words from an old flatmate of mine.

After coming home late one night the protagonist cooked himself up a treat with what little goods there were in the kitchen.

It’s important to remember that he had been smoking a lot of the Old Jamaican Holborn.

The following morning he promised the rest of us he’d be prepared to let us in on his little culinary secret and would whip up the same Michelin Starred delight.

That evening we sat down in great anticipation, mouths salivating at what was in store.

When the dish arrived, it looked great. A pasta bake, a lovely crispy cheese toping. However, our first doubts about the dish came upon popping the first mouthful in.

“What is that burning, tingly taste?" One of the other guys said.

I had to agree, I had a funny burning sensation in my nose.

Turns out we were tucking into tuna-mustard pasta.

The deflated chef saw the disappointment in our faces and uttered the immortal line with total conviction: “You know what this needs… More mustard.”
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 9:53, 6 replies)

I hope Apeloverage hasn't written a cookery book.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 9:50, 1 reply)