well i was in a cult cu*t for a little while..
i never joined the cult.. although my potential offspring were kinda taken as communion...
first chick i ever pulled was a mormon. did kinda wonder why she wasn't drinking like everyone else but figured hey each to their own. i though being a mormon stopped you from extra-marital shenanigans but she obv. wasn't that bothered. thanks god we didn't go all the way i might have been landed with an angry father making me mass-wed at gunpoint.
not too averse to the multiple wives thing though.. *ponders*
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Mon 30 Jan 2006, 13:34, Reply)

I'm in a cult...
I joined it through the internet. They have no real aims, targets or beleifs, but have a fascination with kittens, status quo and ketamine (it's not just for horses).
Sometimes I wake up at my computer. Sacred Overload Rob will have enticed our souls into another trance and I'll be drooling all over the keyboard and hitting the 'F5' key.
Every week they push us further; setting challenges which send us into photoshopping frenzies.

Its hell. And I can't escape.
( sd Oh cumbuns!, Mon 30 Jan 2006, 8:48, Reply)

Never been in a cult....
but I *was* 16 once.

Does that count?
(lgmacd, Mon 30 Jan 2006, 7:59, Reply)

None myself
But Emvee, Lee Plummer used to teach at my school and I live in Walsall, he buggered off to China to help kids or something last year, if you're interested.
( Didyoumissme1, Sun 29 Jan 2006, 18:59, Reply)

The Holy Book of the Dust Mite Spirit! (upon examination, FUCK this is long... I was some crazy kid. ...well actually this happened last year. ...shutup.)
Chapter One: Spontaneous Generation
1. In the Beginning, there was Dust. And the Dust grew in it Mites, and Thence formed the Dust Mite Spirit. And un-noticed it went as the dust sprouted other forms of life, doing battle with the dreaded Demons of the Vacuum. But soon a race called Humanity arose from the Dust, and were manipulated by the Demons of the Vacuum to creat Corporeal Forms called Vacuum Cleaners. And Yea! War was waged upon the Dust Mites!

2. And the Dust Mite Spirit Chose a Human to be its Messenger, and defeat the Demons of the Vacuum!

3. And Lo! Jennifer bent down to pick up a coin dropped by Shelly the Precipitator from the Dust, and the Dust brought forth a Sign.

4. And Jennifer spake “What is this piece of paper?” And Lo! It was a Photograph depicting Cassandra, who went to Jennifer’s primary school, and bore the Name of a Human Oracle.

5. And Maggie the First Apostle cried “It is a Sign! The Dust Mite Spirit hath Chosen! All hail Jennifer, for she is the Chosen One!”

6. And Maggie took it as her Task to Protect the Chosen One from the Demons of the Vacuum, and to spread the Word to the Masses in her absence! And Jennifer went forth to speak to Class Five and beg the Aid of other spirits in Defeating the Demons of the Vacuum, and Maggie went forth to speak to Class Four and convert the Heathens!

Chapter Two: The Apostle to Class Four

1. And Maggie spake to the masses “All hail Jennifer, for she is the Chosen One!” And the masses Looked at her Funny and spake “…what?”

2. And the Dust Mite Spirit sent Maggie a Sign in the form of Paper, and Maggie took up The Scissors of Decoration and cut the Paper and made Jennifer a Crown, and fastened it with Sticky Tape. And Ruxi, the First Convert, sacrificed an “I’m Cool At School” sticker and pasted it onto the Crown of the Chosen One.

3. And Angela, Messenger of the Algae Spirit, raised an Eyebrow and spake thusly: “HA-ching! Can you be normal?!”

4. But the demons of the Vacuum were Displeased, and they conspired to reach into Maggies heart and Yea! They Tempted her. And Maggie did take up the Crown of the Chosen One, and she Placed it upon her Head.

5. And the Dust Mite Spirit came unto her and spake “Maggie! Heed not the Voice of the Demons, for they Tempt you from the Path of the Dust! For thy Misdisgretion thou art condemned to use the Vacuum Cleaner, yea! Even for as long as Thou Art under thy Parents Roof!

6. And Maggie felt remorse, and she removed the Crown. But the Demons were not finished, and they searched the hearts of those around Maggie.

7. And they tested Ruxi, the First Convert, but found her indifferent, and they tested Angela, Messenger of the Algae Spirit, but found her defiant, and they tested Diana, and she welcomed them, and made her heart a Vacuum to let them in.

8. And the Demons of the Vacuum made Diana their messenger, and played upon the Envy in her Heart, and she reached for the Crown, saying “I wish to put it on!” But Yea! Maggie was Strong, and she held the Crown out of the reach of Diana. And Maggie hid the Crown from Diana.

9. And the Dust Mite Spirit rewarded her, and gave her a High Destinction in the Australian Geography Competition.

Chapter Three: Jennifer Asks for the Aid of the Other Spirits.

1. In the First and Second Periods, Jennifer approached the realm of the English Spirit, but alas! The Minion Lidster thundered about the Essay and the Multi, and the Followers of the Dust Mite Spirit experienced Mighty Persecution, and the English Spirit refused alliance with the Dust Mite Spirit.

2. In the Third Period, The Chosen One embarked upon a Great Journey with Grace, the Second Apostle. And the Journey was Successful, and they returned to the Realm of the Science Spirit where Jennifer performed Miracles to show the Greatness of the Dust Mite Spirit, but the Skeptics jeered and showed they could do the same with Science Chemicals. And Jennifer was Disappointed, and the Science Spirit remained aloof.

3. In the Recess and the Fourth and Fifth Periods, Jennifer was caught up in a Rapture of the Dust Mite spirit and returned to the Waking World with no memory of that time, and the Math Spirit showed itself Not.

4. In the Lunch Period, Jennifer received the Offering of Sandra, the Second Convert, in the form of Raisin Bread, and Yea! The Raisin Bread contained Butter and Chips! And the Chosen One pronounced it Weird.

5. In the Sixth Period, Jennifer appealed to the Japanese Spirit. And the Spirit sent her a Sign in the form of Monkey Love, and there was a Time of Silence, and Yea! The Japanese Spirit allied itself with the Dust Mite Spirit!

6. In the Seventh Period, the Demons of the Vacuum pursued Jennifer, and Verily! She Afeared! But Lo! Diana the Protectress offered the Chosen One her Name in exchange for Jennifer, and it was Done, and the Demons were Fooled, and thought Jennifer was Diana their Own Messenger from Class Four.

7. In the Eighth Period, The Chosen One Appealed to the HSIE Spirit, but the Minion Brennan silenced her with the Reading of the Roll, and Lo! This went on for most of the Period. And Yea! Jennifer rearranged the Hair of Sandra the Second Convert to better suit the Aesthetics of the Dust Mite Spirit, and the Minion Brennan was Displeased, and the HSIE Spirit refused Alliance with the Dust Mite spirit.

Chapter Four: The Domain of the Bus

1. Lo! School was Over, and the Chosen One and her First Apostle and Scribe met up in the Realm of the Lockers to recount their Experiences of Preaching to the Masses.

2. But verily! The Demons of the Vacuum Possessed Nicky, and caused her to Chase Jennifer through the Hall, and Maggie the Scribe was Left Behind.

3. So the First Apostle exerted her Holy Powers of the Dust, and the Demons of the Vacuum left Nicky, and the Chosen One was Safe.

4. And the Chosen One, the Scribe and the Precipitator Left the School. In crossing the Domain of the Traffic Spirit they were joined by Jenny the Junior, who saw Maggies Book of The Dust Mite Spirit and spake thusly “What is that you have there?”

5. And Maggie Allowed her to Read the Book, and Jenny recorded her Email address on a Spare Page.

6. And they all entered the Realm of the Bus Spirit, where Shelly did Forsake them for Aaron the Love Interest.

7. And Jennifer and Jenny both drew Anime People on the Spare Page, and Lo! The Dust Mite Spirit saw that they were Good.

8. And Maggie removed the crown from her Bag, and Lo! It was only Slightly Dented.

9. And Maggie placed the Crown upon Jennifer’s Head.

And thus began the Cult of the Dust Mite Spirit! Please send all fanmail and applications to [email protected], for Lo! That is the address of the Internet Domain of the Dust Mite Spirit!* Thank ye and please Spread the Word! Go Forth to the Masses and Sayeth “All Hail Jennifer, for she is the Chosen One of the Dust Mite Spirit!” For the spirit of Humour is Pleased when People give Other People Funny Looks. Well, okay, I am.

*Disclaimer: email may or may not be nonexistent. Oh, right, and so may the Dust Mite Spirit. But hey, you never know, right? :nosetap:
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Sun 29 Jan 2006, 15:03, Reply)

I'm in a LOVELY cult
It was started by accident...and we're not that cultish...i mean we have a leader and we follow his rules...but as his rules involve being nice to people, and as there is no real problem with leaving whenever you want to I have to say that it doesnt worry me that it's known as a cult.

Besides, we end up having stupid amounts of fun and getting drunk.

Yesterday, because "the leader" knows Dom Joly some of us ended up being in the video for Betty Boo and Alex James (now known as wigwam) comeback, dressed as cats beating up policemen.

Did YOU do that yesterday? Didn't think so.
(purpleronnie82, Sun 29 Jan 2006, 14:42, Reply)

According to a personailty test I just did I'd make a great cult leader yay me!
My perants keep trying to "help" me "get religion". Apparently it's not sensible to beliving that some random jewish nutter born thousands of years ago and crucifed by romans has nothing to do with me. The converstation usually just ends up with "ill pray for your enlightenment" or some such rubbish.

It's sort of funny though because one is a very "born again christian" and the other one is a very conservative "salvation army type christian". It's pretty fun, cause when ever they start trying to convert me I just bring up some trivial point (like dress codes in churches) and watch them fight it out. Tee hee, I'm a naughty wittle wabit ;)
(rattus, Sun 29 Jan 2006, 13:25, Reply)

Two J W's in black coats
Both female, one about fourteen the other obviously her mum.

I answer the door in my pants, which were Way too small on me, a purple tie dyed shirt and an inverse pentagram, with my hair sticking up vertically don-king stylee.

For some reason, they didn't want to come in for a cup of tea and discuss it.
(Slyph, Sun 29 Jan 2006, 12:45, Reply)

you should look here
it will be good for u

www.therighteousfoundation.co.uk
(eclw, Sun 29 Jan 2006, 6:23, Reply)

Mormons*
At a university where I did a research course, a Mormon church group rented some lecture halls and dormitories for a summer weekend to instill racism and xenophobia in their offspring. 600 of them ate (including meat products) in our dining hall and generally got in students' way.

The night before they left, graffiti mysteriously appeared on the front door to the biology building (in which heathen researchers heartlessly murdered blue crabs for research). Spraypainted images of a dagger, Satan, etc., adorned the wall in addition to the following statement:


DIE ANTI-LIFE!!

. . .

No further comment . . .



*For argument's sake, I say graffiti qualifies them for cult status . . . for more evidence, read Mrs_Talbot's second-hand account.
(Corn Dog, Sun 29 Jan 2006, 4:14, Reply)

I once joined a cult
called KKK or something... really nice guys but i was a bit fed up of them burning crosses in my back garden...however after asking if they did their hoods in black they said they were going to give me a "ceremony"...unfortunatly father insisted i didnt go...
( Sir T. Skellington, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 22:59, Reply)

I'm in a bloody wierd one
We congregate on an internet message board to post photoshopped images of kittens and the mentally disabled.
(trog, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 22:10, Reply)

Hahahah!
I just got it! Cult and Cunt! They are similar!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 21:45, Reply)

Not me, but my poor mother
When she was a child, she was pressed into a horrible cult by her parents. Among many other accomplishments, this cult:

-Used to ban black people from joining its congregation
-Has ensured Adolf Hitler will enter their version of heaven by way of a "baptism by proxy"
-Requires its male followers to wear special cult underwear (seriously, they're called "temple garments")
-Killed scores of Americans on September 11th (of course, this was in 1857)
-Once you've joined up, in their eyes, you're a member for life, whether you want to be or not.

Three guesses what it's called. Here's a hint: it sounds and looks a lot like "moron."

They've finally stopped coming around to my parents' house, but only after repeated threats to sic the dog on them if they didn't go away and stay away. Simply asking them to piss off doesn't work, you have to put the fear in them, otherwise they'll keep coming back. They're like Scientologists, but much less exclusive.
(Mrs_Talbot, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 21:27, Reply)

Can't remember this myself, but I have been told it on numerous occassions
When I was 3 years old on Christmas Day, some Jehova's Witnesses knocked on the door. I answered it.

JW: "Hello, are your mummy or daddy here?"

Me: "Fuck off, we like Christmas!"

Even now, I'm rather proud of that "witty" remark.
(Keiths Dad, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 18:45, Reply)

My 7 year old freaked out the Witnesses once...
She had a pet snake (rosy boa, quite small and harmless) named Syrup. We bought her in winter and as it is amazingly cold in Michigan then she moved like well, molasses in January. Syrup loved to curl around your neck, slide through your warm hair and perch on the top of your ear, looking out at the world. Emma was wearing Syrup in such a manner when the doorbell rang. She opened the door to two of the most horrified looks I've seen in a long time. The lead Witness gaped and stammered at the devil-child, "D-d-do you k-know the Word of the L-lord?'


I couldn't resist. I came up behind her, put my hand on her head with a suitably theatric gesture, made psycho-eyes and hissed, "GET OUT!"



They didn't run. I give them credit for bravery but they did walk very quickly down the driveway.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 17:55, Reply)

i went to an anglican boarding school.
they made us go to church each sunday. that was like a cult. but i'm well past that god nonsense now.
( Frumbert has no sig, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 15:09, Reply)

My Mum gives them houseroom....
I can remember being about 7 and my Mum going through one of her manic religious periods and we had them move in with us.

A bloke and his missus and their 3 year old stayed at ours and several late teen/early twenty girls who lived a a "group" house a few street away, would come around and hold services in our house.
My Mum kind of turned into their housekeeper - in her own house!!
Creepy couple, armish beard and overbearing wife
anyway I can't remember how or why they left, but thankfully they did.
strangely no guys apart from weirdy beardy
*shudders*
( Not just a hatstand inflamed in the membrane inflamed in the brain, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 14:46, Reply)

Scary
When I was younger I joined my local guides group, it was just outside of our tiny village and there were only about 5 of us. I don't really remember much about it, apart from the first time I walked into our guide leaders house.

Her husband was a complete Nazi follower. It is not a pleasant experience to walk into your girl guides leader's house and straight into a room filled with pictures of Hitler, models of Hitler, Nazi flags and looooooooooooooooads of other Nazi memorabilia. It was everywhere.

Oh yeah - I'm Jewish.
(therocker, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 13:29, Reply)

In the 70's.......
I was in the U.S.of A. working as a therapist, but was deeply unhappy with my lot.

One night after a friend and his wife had been round for a game of poker, I noticed one of the dice was under a card, I decided if it showed.....Hangon, sorry that was a book I read, the interweb's fucked up my ability to know what's reality and what's not again.

Cult you say, no never.

Well, there was wako, but I don't like to talk about it. The feds are still after me.

Or did I just see that on the news.

Curse you interweb.

If you let me insert my lenth here, you will have eternal life.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 12:53, Reply)

I've been in this thing for quite awhile now,
where these people dress up in black and tell us what to do with our lives. You have to see them once a week or you will die. They keep talking about some eternal life after death bollocks and think some zombie is coming back from the dead to judge us or something.

As long as you eat their bread they seem happy enough.
(moomin-papa ; folkin class., Sat 28 Jan 2006, 12:31, Reply)

Not The Cult I thought I was going to
Received a SMS at 3AM from the my boss saying I needed to drop some wedges (speakers) off to the cult at 9AM the next morning. Blearily thought oh rock on!

Dug out my favourite death metal roadie garb and headed off to Saints Hill Manor in darkest Sussex (home of Schientology earth). Got there and uttered the immotal line "got some shit to set up for they cult". Security not very impressed, nor was boss who was already there and suited and booted. Somehow the explanation seemed to be taking the piss.
(rexeltw, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 10:31, Reply)

Bunch of deluded 'cults'. (Bet that one hasn't been used yet!)
Some years ago, a friend of mine worked as a broadcast engineer for a firm that hired equipment to TV shows, corporate events etc. As I was not working many hours at the time, he'd often ask me along to various places to pick up equipment after shows and confrences. Company for him, and an excuse to raid the hospitality areas for me. Lot's of free beer and bacon rolls.

Anyway, one Saturday, he phones me and tells me he has to make a pick up from the UK headquarters of the Scientology movement. Did I wanna go?

Bear+Shit+Woods.

The heavy weekend traffic alowed me a couple of hours to fill him in, L. Ron Hubbard, Sci Fi books, Founder dying a mentalist recluse, Cruise/Travolta, I even made up some shit about abduction and ritualistic murder in the 70's.

Hook, line, and their weighty chum, sinker.

As we approached the HQ, I was expecting some kind of converted semi, with an ill-kept path. Something befitting the status of this joke 'religion'.
How wrong I was.

We pulled up at the tank proof gates of a HUGE estate. After some serious faced verification of our reason to be there, we was allowed in. The place was amazing. It appeard to be the size of Richmond Park, but a lot better maintained. many, many acres of very expensive S.E. UK land. The buildings all resembled mansions of royalty, or garish castles of Dracula.

I believe Hubbard once said something along the lines of "The easiest way to become a rich man is to invent a religion". He certainly appeard to be right.

More distracting than the vulgar display of wealth that appeard to be reaching the horizon in every direction was, the presence of heavy (in both senses) security. Real menace with a smile type stuff. They were all wearing unseasonally heavy, long coats. We were a little confused about the gun carrying laws on private property, but they all certainly appeard tooled up in some fashion. This was the south of England, yet was starting to feel like 'Escape From New York' with better lawns and tuxedoed gangs. Actually, I promise you it was quite sinister.

We parked up, checking for potential escape routes as we did, and found our way into an area behind the scenes. The staff/volunteers/robots were milling around us, all busy with menial tasks and empty stares. I was recently reminded of this when playing 'Resident Evil 4', for anyone whose played it, just think of the villagers at the start of the game.

After a while, one of them sensed we was lost and approached us asking if we were "Joiners", to which I replied with grossly mis-calculated wit "No, mate, I work in mental health, so I'll probably be seeing you soon."

Not even a flicker. The po faced android. My friend explained why we was really there, and we was taken through some tunnelly areas into a main confrence hall, the centre piece of which was an enormous portrait of Hubbard.

We made our way up into the speakers area, on a raised, Godly platform. My chum found his company's equipment and started to disconect it. I amused myself by spying down on the various AGM attendees still milling about in the hall wondering how I could mess with 'em.

To my left, the P.A. system, including, from what I could tell, the still wired in microphone. I couldn't could I?

Fuggit. Why not.

I saw that I could duck out of site and speak to them all without them seeing who, or where the voice was coming from.

I started mentally composing what I was going to say, in a deep Orson Welles voice: "THIS IS THE VOICE OF L. RON HUBBARD. I'M WATCHING YOU ALL FROM MY ASCENDED PLAIN. MY CHILDREN, I WANT YOU ALL TO DISROBE. THE DISCO BEGINS IN FIVE MINUTES."

One hand holding the mic stem, the fingers hovering over the 'transmit' button...

"Are you ready to leave?"

My scrotum jumped a good eight inches into my stomach as the voice of the glassy eyed freak who had lead us here came very unexpectedly from stage left. He'd been watching and obviously still had enough unregulated thought to realise what I was about to do, as did my friend who made a wide-eyed, silent and panicked "NO!" motion with his mouth.

Probably time to leave.

You've never seen and underpowered broadcast engineers van make such an A-teamesque dash as what we decided would probably be useful at that point.

Well, I can assure you it was exciting and funny at the time.

Thanks for reading, apologies for length.
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 10:00, Reply)

Birthday Party
Picture the scene, your girlfriend invites you to a birthday dinner around one of her mates house. Woopie, a chance to get pissed and joke around. Turn up, why am i the only one who has come with a bottle of wine? Not going to last 8 people very long. Maybe we are going to the pub after the meal. Or maybe not. How about we all stand around in a circle with our hands on the birthday boy and everyone (sans moi) speaking in tongues. THEN people start having spasms like they are cumming.

To end it all I got told off for not joining in. Must have missed the LSD course during the meal.
(The first inch is the hardest, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 8:54, Reply)

Join a cult and get paid
Around Northern Thailand there's an amazing collection of christian missionary groups. Christianity has never really taken hold in Thailand, most people aren't interested, but they've had a lot of success with socially disadvantaged hilltribe groups.

I can only assume that describing your activity as "bringing the word of god to backward savages in the remote jungles of Asia" is a sure-fire fundraiser in the west. It turns out that to get the most converts for your buck, the most effective way is simply to pay them to come to church. (Supposedly it represents compensation for the loss in wages from taking a day out from the fields.) Local labour wages are under 5 USD per day. I'm not quite sure what the justification is for paying children to attend, since they wouldn't be working. What is very clear is that school children are targetted as easy converts.

Or perhaps I should say easy prey. Thing is, underage prostitution has been chased out of Bangkok, but it's easy to live away from watchful eyes up in the mountains around Chiang Mai. There aren't many jobs for Westerners up there; but missionary "allowances" pay more than any local salary.

So next time the plate is being passed around in your local church, give a few dollars to support Western paedophiles in Thailand. Thanks.
(Mori, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 7:27, Reply)

You can join mine...
All you have to do for eternal fulfilment and happiness is send a fiver to..

Grandmaster Fleeble
123 Fake Street
Madeupston
Hull
CR3 3PY

Now sit back and feel the surge of happiness overwhelm you
(PieEater, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 6:01, Reply)

Discordianism...
'nuff said fnord.
(Slyph, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 2:44, Reply)

Do you remember those Penny chews called Mojos?
I remember a mate of mine told me that he once bought a massive bag of the mojo penny sweets, Ran into the kingdom hall and threw all the sweets at all the jobos, shouting "MOJO!" at the top of his voice before legging it.
(Baron Von Chickenpants Noli nothis permittere te terere, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 1:50, Reply)

Of Course!
I like to enter a cult at least 3 or 4 times a week, as long as she'll let me.





Oh. CULT! so sorry I misread the question!
(bdgr can't think of anything witty to type here, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 22:11, Reply)

It's not what people think...
I grew up in an idyllic little creek in the good ole U, S of A. I had a nice guy and a nice life until it all went wrong and I moved to LA to persue my career as an actress. I met this guy, like you do, auditioned for a role in his latest major motion picture and wham-bam, next thing you know I'm trapped in a crazy alien worshipping cult!
Anyway, Mum, if you're reading this - Please come get me! You were right and I'm sorry Tom called you "The bastard whore of Beelzeebub" and got his minders to Roundhouse Dad until his ears bled. He did pay for the damage to Granny's Iron Lung and also the headstone and I didn't hear you complain about that!
I'll be in Cell, sorry Room 4 of the LA Scientology Centre and if you could get Dad's bolt cutters from the garage that'd be great.

Loads of love and big kisses from your daughter

The Queen of Betelgeuse / Katy xxx
( Ethel Le Crisp, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 21:25, Reply)