At the age of about 30
I had this girl round to my place.
Started cooking her dinner, sat down on sofa with a drink and a chat for a bit, went back to kitchen to check on cooking. Took the opportunity to fart while out of of ear and nose shot. Followed through. Big time. Dropped trouwsis so I could whip off soiled boxers. At this moment she skips through the door saying "mmm smells lovely! what is it?" to see me with poo filled dung hampers and trouwsis round my ankles.
Still shagged her though...
(FunnyOnion took his trowsis off, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 13:34, Reply)

jesus...
...how many more of these teenage 'first date' sob stories do we have to hear? it's getting catastrophically unfunny.
(littlerichardsmustache, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 13:14, Reply)

Not technically a date cos she didn't acknowledge me
Last year at some point-when i was a strokes loving 15 year old-I went out with this girl called Carla Johnston. My first girlfriend (who was quite hot at the time).
First attempt:
She asked me if I wanted to go with her into town and of course I said yes. It started badly, (we met at tescos for fuck sake!) as we couldnt find eachother for about 20 minutes. When we were finally together she dragged me to a small patch of grass on the local chav estate (where she lived I might add) and proceeded to sit down about a foot away from me. Being my first gf I wasnt sure what to do or what she wanted, so I sat and talked, unaware that she wanted a bit of a snog. After waiting for me to figure it out what do you think she did? dumped me? (not yet, she prolonged the agony) Kissed me? (fuck did she!) She got up and walked away! Of course realising that this was bad, I'm not that slow, I ran after her. We walked for a bit until we ran into some skater friends of hers who I hated. Again we walked off, for 10 minutes until we ran into* the aforementioned skaters. She then decided to completely ignore as she had been doing for most of the day and follow the skaters to their grans' house. I stayed for a little while trying to talk to her but to no avail. When I finally left she actually paid some attention and said goodbye with a kiss on the cheek (the most action all day!) I get home thinking that maybe it could get better, but of course not! She's an evil bitch! she dumped me next day by text! for a skater (surprise surprise) who she liked cos he was taller than me!!!!!

*read: she looked for

Second attempt:
About a month later me and her were friends again (she's one of those types) and again we ended up going out-because i'm an idiot and she was hot. We went out into town again this time meeting no skaters. Great, a better 'date' than before. Next week we go and sit on the small patch of grass all day. More eventful than before. Things she did that day:
-Texted my best friend from my phone saying that I was gay and in love with him.
-threatened to break-up with me if I told texted him back
-Tied my trainers together and ran off for 5 minutes leaving me stranded
-Bit me constantly on my shoulders, arms, chest and the insides of my legs, leaving braces marks for days.
-Ran off home to meet some other friends, abandoning me again in the process
As you can see she's not great gf material.
Our final 'date' was to cambridge to see the matrix 3(crap film that I didn't want to see). Not wanting to be alone with me she invited several other people and spent the entire day trying to set-up her friend with a boy-thus sitting on the other side of the group of people in the cinema. Before I knew it I was dumped again-this time by someone she knew I hated cos she didn't have the guts to do it herself.
Now she's going out with a wrist slitting 15 year old in her school, who took her virginity and will make her pregnant any day now.

I on the other hand started college, met a girl who is infinitley hotter and who likes me as much as i like her.

Apo-loggies for length.
( Brown cow, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 13:05, Reply)

My flat mate at uni
Picture a very thin wall so all could be heard of the ensuing conversation with the not so subtle Tony and this girl he brought home one night.

Cue a bit of moaning and heavy breathing.

Girl: "stop stop i can't I'm on my period"

Tony: "well you know what they say love, 'When the river runs red take the dirt track instead!"
Cue front door slamming.
What a sweet sensitive lover...
(I've done it so many times it's boring now..., Tue 26 Oct 2004, 12:47, Reply)

she had more hair than me.
after a good night out ended up going back to my house with a work mate,

she wasnt bad looking (maybe it was the beer goggles on)

Ended up sleeping with her, but after getting a bit physical i realised after going down to her nipples that they where hairy... in fact very hairy..

she also had to get up and go to the toliet very shortly afterwards, and watching her get out of the bed to go to the toliet, i looked over and seen the hairest arse crack on a girl in my life. She also had dark hairy legs.

I felt physically sick, not even viagra would have given me a hard on after seeing that.

When she came back, i had already had a taxi booked to take her home. I couldnt believe it.

Still to this day i feel sick whenever i see her...
(nic666, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 12:34, Reply)

so very wrong...
Back in the mid-90s heyday of running my old mobile disco, I pulled some girl at a party I was playing at. She made it very clear she was up for some action, but of course at the age of 18, I was still living with my parents, as was she. This problem would normally be solved by going for a little drive in the country in my trusty Talbot Horizon, but the car would be full to the rafters with disco kit at the end of the night. The only thing we could do was go for a little walk after the party.

We end up in the doorway of a village church in the middle of nowhere. I'm attempting to go down on her while she's getting a cold arse from the damp stone floor, but we're both basically having a good time, that is until a bunch of drunken chavs wander through the graveyard and start shouting at us, and we both leg it out of there. We get separated somehow, and the night ends with me spending an hour hiding in somebody's garden, while said chavs spend an hour wandering up and down the road trying to spot me. Fun.

Amazingly, I meet up with party girl about a week later, and this time I am prepared. Dad's a vicar, so I know the house will be empty for a good couple of hours on sunday morning.

Cut to my bedroom, and some quality time spent fumbling around in that inexperienced adolescent way that I'm sure we're all familiar with. It's all good, until I realise to my cost how time flies when you're having fun, and I can hear mum approaching the bedroom door! Party girl hides behind the door, and I attempt to put my trousers on. Mum walks in, and in hindsight I wish she'd spotted the girl, rather than find her son alone in his room, sweaty, red-faced, and attempting to do up his jeans in a hurry. 'Nuff said.

It gets worse. I discover the next day from mates that she's only fifteen. Worse than that, she's only JUST fifteen. *shudder*

Please address any correspondance to the Gary Glitter & R. Kelly fanclub.
(albatross! aka Rameses Niblick III Kerplunk kerplunk - whoops, where's my thribble?, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 12:33, Reply)

BreaKING THE RULES
Me and a mate were sat having a quiet Monday evening pint, when we recognised the familiar voice of the "The Legend" behind us.
We had seen him in our local before, where each weekend he would ritually perform a spine-grating rendition of a Wham! song (complete with pelvic gyrations resembling an epileptic weasel). He'd then wait to see if any women in the bar were brave enough to politely clap, and then invite himself to join them and loudly brag of his vocal prowess.
But now, in an entirely new bar, and that unmistakable nasal whine of the Legend ringing in our ears, we stopped talking, and spent the rest of the night listening to what was obviously a first date situation.
It was frightening - if there was ever a rule book on what NOT to do or say on a first date, this lame f*cker danced all over it!
Over the course of the next few hours we never heard a peep from her - she seemed quite a pleasant and tidy girl - but The Legend spat out some utter gems:
"And then at the start of this year, I began seeing Sharon, who never washed, but she loved to get sh*gged, f*cking loved it up her . . . . . Then I dumped her and started seeing this other chick but she just bled me dry and I got sick of the £20 taxis I paid to go to her house, plus, her baby was an annoying little shit and cried all the time. . . ."
At one point he left to go to the bar, returning a minute later to ask if she wanted a drink as well.
When he came back with his pint and then remembered hers again, he suddenly realised what a kipper he'd been, as he blurted out: Oh my god, I'm sorry, I just realised I've been talking for an hour about myself. Tell me about you." She only opened her mouth and he exploded again: "Oh, and there was this other one who was a complete psycho, and after a shag she threw herself on the bed and started smacking herself about, then blamed me . . . . . ."
Well, we left the bar at this point, only cause we were in fits of laughter and he was begining to suspect us.
A few days later in our local, we saw The Legend hanging round the phone in his finest BHS suit, looking anxious, staring at his watch, and making the occasional angry phonecall the last of which caused him to storm out the pub: "What do you mean you're not coming?!?!? . . . . . That's bollocks I thought we hit it off fine . . . . . F*ck you too!"
Guess she'd had enough on the first date.

That was two years ago, and The Legend hasn't been seen since
(Barry Subchimp, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 12:10, Reply)

Micro-penis
When I was in High School there was one REALLY HANDSOME guy; kind of shy, a loner, not into anything I was, but our eyes met and I asked him out. After a few dates, we went to a lovers lane and petted quite heavily. He seemed uneasy with the usual teenage dry humping, I couldn't fathom really why, as I was pretty experienced, so I unzipped him and..........there was nothing there, well, practically. It was the most awkward thing, I think for both of us. It was probably the first time a girl got into his pants and you know he just knew something was wrong because he seemed so ashamed. I felt terrible and tried to get him interested in oral, but it was such a failure. We never went out again. The poor dude.....
(GTMotorboat, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 11:54, Reply)

ever a bad time to dump her?
Whilst at college i got involved with a girl who had a habit of drinking very little and falling asleep (in the pub) this twinned with several other off-beat behaviours made me decide to dump her... so i picked her up and drove to a quiet river side spot and politely told her (que crying followed by anger)... at this point i decided the best thing to do was to drive her home i drove over bridge at said river into a flood and the car refused to start this then meant sitting in a pub for 2 hours with aformentioned dumped girlfriend without any cash (hadnt bargained on this being a expensive night) in complete silence longest 2 hours of my life......
(spongles, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 10:37, Reply)

Ermintrude... (sic)
I was set up with a blind date by a friend with a friend of his girlfriend, called "Trudi". I joked that at least it couldn't be short for "Ermintrude" 'cause that would be just too damn freaky. I was wrong... it *was* short for Ermintrude, and the poor girl burst into tears and ran off before I could apologise. At roundabout a minute, it must count as the shortest date of any kind I've ever had.
(philbo baggins, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 10:20, Reply)

ok one more and then i stop...
a mate of a mate's ex boyfriend was moving up down to nottignham, as a civil engineer. he knew no-one and was very cute, so naturally my mate decided to take him under her wing and invite him out and show him the hotpots of the mighty city. it was his first saturday out in nottingham, and mine too, as i had been away at uni, and it was the first time i had to face my ex bf of 4 years since we'd split. naturally, as so often happens, drinks were flowing and i was lapping them up in one bar, whilst my other mates were taking the new boy out elsewhere in town. to cut a long story short, the ex made one cruel jibe too many, and me being the acid tongued bitch that i am, i cut him right down and left. the drinking continued, after meeting up with my other mates, except when we got tot he club, i , wel, passed out in the toilets....for two hours. emerging later, felling somewhat rough, i stumble into the new boy, who takes me outside for air, where i promptly chundered all over his shoes. him and his mate then put me in a taxi home, where i vomitted out of the window, and had to pay a £50 cleaning charge. on the bright side the boy phoned me back and took me out on a date. he took me to bella pasta, i was mortified, he made me eat raw tomato....which makes me gag, and then he spilled wine on me. the evening can only be described as wholly unsuccessful, especially as he got with my mate a fortnight later, and ended up going out with her for a year. poor girl.
(madamebonsoir, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 9:31, Reply)

another scarring experience
was when i went out on a date with a mate if a mate's mate. he seemed ok, we emailed and chatted ont he phone for a while, until i actually thought he seemes ok. how wrong could i be? i met him at the most "league of gentlemen" style pub in the area, and that was just the start of it. the conversation was going well, when he decided to tell me a little more about his "working life", he was a hospital photographer, with a penchant for taking his work home with him.....he even stole a prosthetic limb, which amused me, but the photos of dead people, well just seemed odd. by this point i was thinking seriously of doing a body swerve (going to the shitters and never reappearing) but due to the structure of the building this was just impossible. instead i had to endure two solid hours of him telling me about his ex girlfriend that left him after six year, because they fell out over some mouldy chicken, and how she used to eat raw meat. i am open minded but this guy was simply wrong, he smelled a bit like old spice too, it was either that or embalming fluid....i couldn't decide.
(madamebonsoir, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 9:22, Reply)

i have had so many bad dates it hurts.....
but, on one particularly fateful evening i was invited out on a date by a guy who worked with my mum, who was frankly a bit of a wrongster. To be perfectly honest i had heard he was a bit, well, easy, so i was game for a night out with him, and pretty much guaranteed a bit of how's your father, if i saw him more than once. anyways to cut a long story short, he was a poseur, and i'm a pie and a pint sort of girl, so the evening was never gonna be successful, but i had nothin better to do,s o we agreed to meet down nottingham. my mates band was playing a gig, so i thoguht i'd take him along, skipping the more traditional dinner date, so that a satisfying liquid meal could be indulged in instead. the band was awful, everything sounded like the coral, and i continued to drink at an alarming rate. i actually managed to down drinks before the barman had given back the change, and my escort was actuallr rather impressed by this. it was about at this point that he noticed my feet, and they are rather small. god only knows why i said it, but i can only blame it on the alcohol, but i had heard a rumour that if you have small feet you gemerally have to have a caeserean. this was the first thing that popped into my head, a little puzzled he replied "oh" i didn't see this as a sign to shut up. au contraire, i continued with just about the wrongest thing you can say on a first date, other than "rape my dead mouth" which was " well i might have small feet, but i don't reckon my fanny's that small." needless to say i was rather drunk, i did see him again, but frankly the end didn't come quickly enough, if only he'd have gothis burberry umbrella out on that first date, i'd have made my excuses and left earlier!
(madamebonsoir, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 9:13, Reply)

some random guy's worst date ever
My BF knew a guy in University who had recently been dumped and his girlfriend promptly started seeing someone new. One night, still hurting from the whole deal, and knowing they would be together in her room, he decided to drop by and say hello and perhaps have a little chat. The ex-girlfriend took a while to answer the door, and when she finally did, was clearly in a state of undress/having quickly dressed again, and her new man was lying naked under her sheets. The ex calmly walked in, saying "what's up? I just dropped by to say hello." and plopped down on the bed next to the new boyfriend. "You have to leave!" his ex-girlfriend yelled, only to find her ex had immediately fallen fast asleep on the bed next to her date. For you see, he was a narcoleptic.

For the new guy, I'm sure it was his worst date ever. True story, I swear.
(Mabel DelTaco, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 8:49, Reply)

Went to this club called platinum
blind date, mith the friend of my friend's girlfriend. Turned out she's alcoholic. And she vomited on me while we were taking her home.I also had to drag her back to her apartment(she be hefty)take her to the toilet and carry her to her bed(she be hefty).I think she also has herpes. I hate clubs. and clubbers. Fuck you all.
(manicbranic, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 4:11, Reply)

Oh dear...
Many moons ago a friend of mine ran a mobile disco before the days when he went to achieve a fair level of success as a radio/club DJ.
I went along with him to a few discos he did as there was always the excellent chance of pulling drunk bridesmaids and cute local chicks fed up with the village retards. At one such event a rather attractive couple of girls insisted on buying us both alcohol galore and as my luck would have it, he got off with the prettier one. My date was a very innocent and reserved 18 year old but we had a nice, if rather lame, time together.
My mate on the other hand had disappeared for some time after the event was over and emerged from the back of the stage with a look of abject horror and fear on his face. He explained that after performing fellatio on him, he had congratulated the girl on her mastery of the technique – to which she had gleefully replied “Yeah – and I’m only 13!”
He was 25 at the time, but to be fair she looked every bit of 18+ (and there but for the grace of god went I…)
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 2:13, Reply)

scary stalker infliction
not EVEN an actual date. my friend asked me to go to the cinema with her, and turned up with a boy she had met at drama school. later found out she had told HIM that she was setting us up. nice. THANKS.
we all go to the cinema, i still clueless, happily accompany them to a restaurant. said mister soon starts going up to random tables asking the people in a very scary voice if they are 'laughing at him'. cue cringing.
as we are leaving he asks for my number, i have fear and silence, but my charming friend gives it to him.
he then harasses me by mobile, house phone and internet for the next few months. rings and then when i hang up stays on the line for HOURS. waiting. *shudder* sends me messages saying if i don't date him he will kill himself. etc etc.
incidently my postman also used to stalk me- read my mail and follow me to work.
i am flypaper for freaks. and not even the good kind of freaks. weep.
(gretelvonguhtts, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 1:35, Reply)

Meeting men on trains
Went on a date with a man I met on a train whilst drunk. Couldn't remember what he looked like but thought hell it was worth a go. (I was going through a going-to-end-up-old-and-alone-with-nothing-but-12-cats-and-a-budgerigar-to-mourn-my-lonely-death stage. Very Bridget Jones.) Anyway, when he picked me up in his 7 seater people carrier I started to worry. When I noticed he was slightly balding and rather old, I really started to worry.

Turned out he was a divorced with 2 kids, door-to-door salesman 16 years my senior.

It spent most of the evening bored silly with talk of kids and the burdens of maintenance pay and he never called again.

Thank god

I also got so drunk on a date once (I get quite nervous and use alcohol to loosen up) that I had to be helped off the train and put in a cab by a random member of the public.

No wonder I'm single
(MyrtleTheTurtle, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 23:58, Reply)

Vitamin anxiety
So there I am, on the way to a first date with a girl I've been fixed up with. The setting is everything you could imagine. It's Paris, it's summer, she's beautiful, and she's the heiress to a rich Lebanese family. It's only while sitting on the Metro I realise that in my haste to get there I've forgotten to brush my teeth. Eventually, after much rummaging in my bag, I find some effervescent vitamin C tablets, blackberry flavoured. That'll do.

As I walk up the steps to the rendezvous I pop one on my tongue and it sizzles gently as I hope for blackberry freshness.

Feeling pretty pleased with myself as she arrives I realised I wanted shut of the tablet and start chewing it so I can swallow it.

I'm still not sure whether it was the explosion of purple foam from my mouth, or the dodgy blackberry/dog-breath I had which put her off, but I never saw her again. Girls eh? Fickle.
(clopinettes, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 23:41, Reply)

I was never very good at tactics...
when I were at college I rather fancied this frisky young thing called Andrea (I think), and decided to get to know her a little. This also, unfortunately involved getting to know her best friend, who was not only intensely ugly, but also severely lacking in the personality department...

yup, you got it - the best friend asked me out. I was done for - I knew Andrea would hate me if I turned her down - she'd think it was because said friend was horrendously ugly, and she'd think me totally shallow. So I said yes... beeeeg mistake. She turned out all obsessive, and my initial plan of getting to know Andrea a bit better through her fell totally apart. Oh yes, and trying to kiss her made me want to hurl. Man, she was ugly. There aren't words to describe, but I do doubt she was fully human.

I ended up escaping somehow due to "needing some time out to find myself" and other such bullshit. Cue some very scary obsessive love letters. Did I mention she was ugly? Actually I reckon that "munter" heavy metal girl doing the rounds on b3ta a while back may well be her.

Never did get anywhere near Andrea, and was severely gutted at the time. But who cares? I've been married to a babe for ten years now.
(teasus likes tea, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 23:20, Reply)

Another one. Not my fault, but I was none too pleased.
I had asked out this girl from one of my history classes at university. After our first official date, we dropped by a nearby studenty bar and were able to find a few friends of mine there. We started having a great time, talking about everything under the sun, until we got onto the subject of music and my 'far too obsessed with Chris Morris' idiot chum spurted something about poser music fans getting "the Gay AIDS" because of the very fact they were posers and should die. As it would turn out, one of her best friends was gay and had had an AIDS scare earlier that year. There was a very awkward silence before we just stood up and left.

Unsurprisingly, the second date never happened. Which is a shame, because I liked her a lot. I also didn't speak to the wanker for weeks thereafter.
(the_fracturedpope, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 22:05, Reply)

A night to remember
My worst date would have to be with a guy named George, who I had originally met several years before, and he seemed reasonably nice back then, so when I ran into him one day and he asked me out, I agreed. Our evening commenced with George turning up at the pub where we had arranged to meet quite obviously already drunk. The bartender took one look at him and said that she wasn't going to serve him, because he was too smashed. I should have just cut my losses at that point and excused myself to "go powder my nose" or something, never to return, but stupidly I stayed with him.

I had also noticed that George had a crusty smear of toothpaste caked onto the side of his mouth, and told him, and he tried to rub it off. "Is it gone? No. Is it gone now? No. Is that OK? No." It just stayed, and I couldn't help but stare at it. The smell of it mixed with the beer on his breath started to make me nauseous.

We went from the pub to a nearby Thai restaurant to get something to eat, and to sober George up. We ordered the food and had the fragmented sort of conversation that takes place between an extremely drunk person and a totally sober one.

The food finally arrived, and as soon as it was placed in front of me, I was hit with a wave - no, a tsunami - of nausea. I just couldn't face eating a mouthful. It was then that the stabbing abdominal pain started. I told George I wasn't feeling well and had to go. I fished his wallet out of his jacket and paid for the uneaten meal, and I don't even think he noticed. Then I left him sitting there, and hailed a taxi home.

Before the taxi arrived at my house, the pains got worse. They got so bad that the only thing I could think of was "Hospital. Must go to hospital." So I told the cab to take me to casualty instead. I got to the hospital, and upon examination was told that my appendix had ruptured and I needed to be operated on NOW. So they pumped my stomach, which was via a tube up my nose and down my throat, and the tube was completely clear, so I could see everything squelching along on its way out, which made me feel even sicker. Then I underwent the surgery.

When I came to the next day, I got a phone call from my mother, saying that George had been calling her place which he looked up in the directory because he had lost my number, wondering what had happened to me, and did I want her to give him my number. Thankfully she didn't.

Flash ahead several years. I was walking with my current boyfriend around an area in the west end of the city that I normally don't frequent. My BF says, "hey look at that poor homeless guy over there, boy, does he ever look rough." I looked over, then quickly grabbed my boyfriend and dragged him down a side street. The "homeless guy" turned out to be my dearest George.
(hellabella, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 21:49, Reply)

the cutest girl in the world
I fancied this girl at school for years. She was in the year above me, and I always went really shy around her.

To cut a long story short, I asked her for a date. We went to the cinema. I picked one that looked arty (to impress).

It was called "Quills". It was about the incarceration of the Marquis de Sade. I have hazy memories of Geoffrey Rush drawing in faeces on the walls of his cell.

I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
(fiddley, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 21:41, Reply)

I won a radio contest for this date....
Think of the worst place a guy could take you on a date. Nope, think again. Nope, one more try. Ah, that's right, an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting! And, not only did we spend the entire evening with the friends of Bill W., but I had to WORK while I was there!

I was told there was a lecture and dinner he thought I'd enjoy. So, I dress up, and arrive at the scheduled 6:30 meeting time at the back of this church. I found out the meeting was scheduled to begin at 8 p.m. when I was handed some chairs and directed on how to set up tables before I helped to cook the spaghetti.

On the plus side, I won a lovely gift basket as a door prize. I shared it with my friends at the bar I went to immediately upon leaving A.A.

And the best part is, he called several times later leaving VMs saying it was time he met my kid and "bonded" with him. *ick*
(officedog, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 21:23, Reply)

cunt-stubble
I was 19 at the time, met a tasty bird in a bar (she looked like Kelly McGillis out of Top Gun), scored - nice!

A week later I go to her place, and we're having coffee in the kitchen (as I'm wondering if we're gonna get it on tonight), her dad walks in, in a police uniform, 3 shoulder stripes = sergeant?, and begins to harass me about going home because after all it's almost 10pm and she's at school tomorrow!!!

In the interestests of my balls I decided it would be a good time to leave, hoping that he meant she was a teacher at a school rather than a pupil.

Later I found out she was just 14 - eek!
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 21:17, Reply)

Oh just remembered!
I rememebEr I went bowling once with some old school friends when I was at college and one of them had brought this guy with them who I think they secretly wanted to set me up with.

The guy had a constant hard on and I kept running to the loo cause I as a) so embarressed and b) couldnt stop laughing.

No body in my group seemed to have noticed (NOTE I dont go staring at guys crotch areas!).
Nothing happened, but I kicked all there asses at bowling!
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 20:39, Reply)

THE worst date in history
Part One (apologies for my HUGE length phnar phnar - feel free to skip this post if you don't have half an hour to read it)

Not having the time, energy or finances to spend my life in bars trying to pick up guys, I sometimes use an internet dating site which has (in some cases) been very successful
After a couple of weeks of chatting to one particular guy, I agreed to meet him (on the shallow basis that i kind of liked his pictures, knew he was a loaded lawyer and didn't find his personality TOO disagreeable)

I arrive at pre-arranged meeting place (fortunately a bar) at 8 pm. I look around for this handsome stranger to approach me but all i can see is mingers. Eventually, my mobile phone rings - as i look across the bar i see another guy on the phone who is *ok* - not great, but ok so finally the penny drops and i introduce myself. Ok, so the pictures he sent me were very flattering (i believe some photo-shopping may have been involved but can't prove anything)

The only problem is that the guy seems to have had a TOTAL personality bypass... After about half an hour of struggling to get any conversation out of him, as luck would have it a couple of friends of mine arrive at the bar... The conundrum is do i introduce him and suffer the embarrassment of being seen with a potential minger, or do we go somewhere else hoping they won't see? Biting the bullet, i grab their attention and introduce the guy. The gods must have been smiling on me, as the guy in question offers to go to the bar to get us all a drink...

While he is there, we run out of the door never to be seen of again

Or so i thought.

Cue 'ignoring phone / text messages, changing email addresses etc'

*Part 2*

Not having learned my lesson from the previous mistake, i again resort to internet dating about a year or so later and get chatting online to a really nice looking guy who seemed to have quite a lot in common with me. We agree to meet up, so I make my way to london to meet this potential suitor.

It is a full ten minutes into the 'date' before i realise that it is the same guy as in part one of this story. Now comes turmoil. Has he realised who i am? If so, is he too embarrassed to say anything about my previous houdinni act? If not, how do i get out of the situation?

Fortunately, i had the presence of mind to set my mobile phone alarm to go off precisely ten minutes into the date so that it sounds like a phone call for just such an emergency.

Cut to me, making false conversation with imaginary brother about him needing a lift to the hospital.

After an embarrassed 'goodbye, we must do this again some time / i'll call you etc etc' I make my escape hoping for the best.

While I am waiting for my train back to kent from whence i hail, I am approached by the guy offering me a lift to pick my car up so that i can go collect my brother.

I should possibly have mentioned before now to you, dear reader, that i don't even drive.

I do however run very fast.

I'm honestly not as bad a person as this makes me out to be... maybe i am actually.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 20:16, Reply)

To be perfectly honest
Ive never really been out on a 'date' except with the last guy I suposedly went out with (the guy whos mum n gran borght a thong for him and whos father kept enquiring if this guy'd shaged me yet infront of me on valentines day).
We decided to go to town before going to se the first LOTR film. He didnt make a sound, just stared and touched my hair wich was nice at first but really creepy after an hour (this continued the 3 months i tried to break up with him)
He did this crap throughout the movie so even though i really wanted to see the film or see if he was going to get interesting, I pretended, and eventually did go to sleep for nearly an hour.
Hoping he'd be a bit better date we went to pizzahut afterwards and had our only convosation during the time we were together, about 5 minutes of Bill and Ted.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 20:05, Reply)

This Charming Man...
First blind internet date. I drive out to New York City, which is about 45 minutes from where I live, and do battle to find free parking. Meet up with the guy, and he's not as cute as his photos. He had planned for us to go to this one bar, but decided that he had changed his mind, or had he?
"Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know this area, let's just stick to your original plan."
"No, I want to go someplace else, where do you want to go?"
"I said I don't know anything around here!"
We finally duck into some random bar, where he proceeds to get into an argument with the bartender because the drinks are too expensive. I was ready to sink through the floor.
We go on to the next bar, the one he'd originally chosen for us. It was full of punk rocker types, with multicolored mohawks and leather jackets. Now, I can hang with the punks, but apparently he could not.
"These people are all a bunch of fakers," said he.
I went outside for a cigarette (and to escape,) and he followed me out and pestered me for a snog. He got denied, so he went back inside, coming out to check on me periodically while I chain-smoked and chatted to some punk kids about their band.
All of a sudden, he comes FLYING out the front door of the bar with a rather large punk guy on him, fighting. After the scuffle (of undetermined cause) had died down, he was like "let's get out of here."
Amused, and interested in procuring an interesting story to tell the grandkids, I didn't ditch him at that point. We went to some other divey joint, where he proceeded to try to get me to buy 2 rounds of drinks in a row. Classy.
The best part was when I decided to hit the loo. He asked if he could come with me. I said no, I prefer to pee alone. He BEGGED me to let him join me in the ladies', and I insisted he wait outside. Eventually he backed down and waited outside. After I was done, we headed back up the stairs, and he grabbed my bottom with both hands! I spun around and told him off, and said I was going home.
He followed me out of the bar and asked if we could make out. I said absolutely not, and he said:
"You know something? You're a fucking bitch!"
I told him he was right, and stormed off. He insisted on following me to my car, but I was tearing down the street while he lagged behind me. A couple blocks away from my car, I turned around and said "BYE!" and he finally got the message and left.
Worst date ever!
(emgee, Mon 25 Oct 2004, 19:35, Reply)