My parents read mine....
I kept a diary during the mid to late 80s. I had just turned 16 and was happily and regularly boffing away at a girl I was seeing (name definitely withheld) and was using a system of asterisks at the top corner of each page to record how many times we'd had sex that particular day. Along with very thinly-veiled mucky comments about positions, etc. I guess it's just the sort of thing I did back in those heady teenage years...
No problem there then, I hear you say. The thing is, however, the young lady in question wasn't quite 15 at this point, and it didn't help that her dad was my dad's boss. In the Police force.
I remember having been given quite a robust talking to one evening. My protestations that they shouldn't have been going into my bedside drawer and reading my diary in the first place didn't help me out in the slightest and I was banned from seeing (name withheld) from that point on.
That bit was her parents' idea, by the way.

The shame.

Length? Well, I was only 16.
( BobbyParadise, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:04, Reply)

Office romance
My last job was Computer Support in a fairly large office, where I would be regularly pestered (in an IT way) by the most annoying woman you could ever imagine to meet. God squad, curly ginger hair, big ugly tits that used to reside nearer her belt as she didn't believe in wearing a bra, ugly as sin but thought that she was gorgeous and tried to flirt with everybody (especially in they were a manager). She was only a PA but made out that she was the most important person in the office and that generally everything had to revolve a round her. Plenty of rumours of her having affairs with at least 2 managers (both married), despite the fact she insisted that she was a lesbian and had a girlfriend.

I had her laptop in one day as she was having problems with Outlook. Simple enough - I just reinstalled it and loaded it back up again to make sure it was all working. All seemed fine apart from the last 3 emails from one of the managers who she was rumoured to be knocking off. Although the mails were sitting there, there was no text evident at all. File size told me that there should have been but nothing to be seen. Much scratching of head and trying different things when by accident I managed to highlight the full page. A load of Wingding font text came up which had been coloured white so that it couldn't be seen until highlighted.

Further investigating (i.e. me being a nosey bastard) found hundreds of similar messages all from same manager, which when in a normal font were rather suggestive. I did what any self-respecting person would do and copied them all to a personal folder on my own machine so I could read in my own leisure, took the laptop back with the announcement that all was well in the world and made sure i had her password stored in a safe place (post-it note on my desk).

Turns out they had been shagging for months, his wife knew nothing (neither did her girlfriend) and disturbing details of sexual preferences were revealed, including they both had shaven havens down below (did i mention they were both in their 50's). Not an image I wanted in my head so felt the need to share the information with the rest of the IT monkeys in the office.

Managed to connect via admin share on to the managers laptop remotely without him realising while we hunted for more saucy secrets and found several photos of his wife in various poses. Again not good but felt the need to share and email around previous said mates.

Was gutted when she changed her password the next week but I think we got away with it as nothing was ever mentioned. She was suprised though 3 months down the line when their section was reprimanded on audit as to why he was constantly signing off her overtime sheets for up to 30 hours a week when people on the same team were being made redundant.

She used a different code for the other manager she was shagging in the office but those emails were no where near as interesting.

I will have more stories to post later, give me a password and access to personal and confidential information and I'm happy for hours.

I'm a bad person.

Length - apparantly she loved it.

Cheers
(brocky, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:04, Reply)

Do girls really like that kind of thing?
In my youth I worked at the movies and was given occasion to spend most of my time upstairs in the office chatting to the managers.

Once I was nonchalantly rummaging through my bosses text messages while chatting to her. I didn't think I would find anything incriminating, as she was sat there watching me rummage.

There were a couple from her current boyfriend which I happened to peruse, as certain keywords snagged my attention...

I had to run screaming from the office when I got to the line, "...and then I'm gonna pull out and come all over your face... like last time"

I mean, I'm no prude or naive young innocent, but to know what kind of things your boss gets up to on the lounge room floor and have them flash through your mind during your six month review makes life difficult.

Forgetting completely that I always assumed secretly that that kind of business was confined to when women were being paid to pretend to enjoy it.
(lessmiserable, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:04, Reply)

Bored at uni
I was living with a few blokes in my final year of uni, and I never really saw eye-to-eye with them.

One night they'd all gone out on one of their regular jaunts to some puke-filled dingy club whilst I stayed in to write my dissertation. Being a bit bored of whatever feminist psychoanalytical claptrap I was reading at the time, I decided to venture into one of my housemate's rooms and take a peek at his rather conspicuous diary.

It was filled with the kind of sub-existential bullshit my housemates were so fond of - along the lines of "I'm scared of the future", "I'm going to be a great novelist" and "I need more confidence".

There were also mentions of all his friends and what he'd done with them, like going to parties and the beach and doing loads of drugs and sex. Each flatmate got mentioned at least a dozen times, but there was only one solitary reference to myself. It was:

April 17 2003
HENRY DID A MASSIVE POO TODAY.

I recall the incident in question, and it was rather large and wouldn't flush. I went out and came home to find ALL my flatmates and one of their friends gathered round the bowl giggling and variously describing it as being "like a trout" and "dark matter".

If that's what I'm remembered for creating I'll die a proud man.
( krang, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:04, Reply)

Ummm
A friend and I had a "letter book" that we used to keep and use at school.

Oh god this is sad...

We went though about 4 A4 paper pads over a few years and it was rather, er, cute* - It went into people we liked didn't like - how we felt about each other (well, how I felt about her at any rate) and some of the drinking we got up to.

Long story short, we used to take it in turns keeping it at home and stuff - One time, I found it at home where I knew I didn't leave it. My parents never mentioned it to me and I know I deserved a right bollocking for some of the stuff we got up to.

On reflection, this is a sh1t story and I really shouldn't click "Post this message"

*Refer to the Sad comment above.

Size? Babys arm holding an apple. A large baby's arm and a large apple at that ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:02, Reply)

a little off topic but similar.
back in the primary school days i had a habit of writing the name of the girl i had a crush on at the time on a peice of paper (sometimes laminating it with sealotape) and hiding it somewhere in my room. god knows why i did this but it almost always resulted in either my friends or my brothers finding out who i fancied. i even wrote one using a caesar cipher. but i left the key lying around and it was quickly deciphered.

anyway i learnt after a few times not to write it down and my secrets were safe.
(suboftheday, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 16:54, Reply)

I found a diary on the floor at school.
It was very "Go Ask Alice," without the drugs and sex. It started out how much she loved Jesus and her youth group. Within a few months, she hated Jesus, her church and everyone.

Ah, teen angst.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 16:47, Reply)

Biology A Level
Happened to stumble on my then girlfriends biology A Level coursework as I was browsing round her account at college. She told me her password and I thought one cheeky look wouldnt hurt.

Turns out it did.

I was also doing A Level Biology and her being the brainy one of the outfit (oxbridge material) I decided to 'use' some of her coursework as my own.

She found out when she was innocently browsing my account and then told me that "we were never getting back together after this" because we had just gone a break.

She nearly grassed me in to her tutor too.
(PieEater, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 16:44, Reply)

'World's Greatest'
I read an appraisal of myself in my girlfriend's diary. And it used the term 'best ever' liberally. I was a very happy bunny for quite some time.
( Mr. Jack cracked the elite b3ta inner circle on, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 16:35, Reply)

Next door's kid...
The family opposite where Mrs. God lives (and I mostly inhabit, until the M event) includes a little girl of about six. She's cute as a button (although without the big holes to put thread through). Actually, when I say "family", I really mean "woman with two kids and no bloke in sight". Mrs. God and I have this theory that if we actually get married and have a child, we'll be chucked out for letting the side down or something.

Anyway, back to the story... We got an unexpected brown envelope through her door. Naturally, unexpected brown envelope = brown trouser moment, so we nervously open it... to find that it's a letter from the council's Education department to the woman next door. Seems this child has missed somewhere around 1/3 of her school time this year. "Oops" quoth me and the missus. We read on, chimping over phrases like "under observation", "serious problem", and our fave: "legal action".

It's amazing how much of someone's lifestyle you can find out in one two-pager from the council. Anyway, the missus somehow glued it shut again (worryingly well, to be honest), and we'll casually deliver it tomorrow morning, so it looks about right.

Edit: We posted it through. Not heard anything. And I added an extra closing bracket, because I couldn't stand to see it missing. And if you've read *that* embarrassing entry, you could make up for my shame by clicking "I like this!"
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 16:35, Reply)

weaksauce
once, when i was little, i snuck a peak into my sister's diary. she had written that one of her new year's resolutions was that she wanted to bug me even more than she already was.

so of course i tell on her, but then I'M the one who got in trouble for looking at her diary.


bullshit.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 16:33, Reply)

am I alone in this?
I often find myself going out of my way to not find stuff out about my girlfriend's past, such as how many people she has been with etc.

whether this is in conversation or in it's written form.

Hence I have never read a current girlfriend's diary/emails etc.

I have however occasionally checked up on an ex's emails to see what she is up to.

more through boredom than anything else, which wasn't cured by it. not a surprise, she was quite dull and annoying (I realised this when I stopped smoking huge quantities of mary jane)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 16:30, Reply)

I know for an absolute fact
that my parents used to read my diary. They'd comment about things to me that I'd not told them, that I'd only written down under the duvet at night with a torch in my mouth, and after a little while I got quite fed up with apparently having no privacy, I decided (I was about 17 at this point and while it was mainly "XYZ is a total bitch because this happened today", the usual teen angst stuff) I was going to write it in French, because I figured it would help me revise for the A-level, and also because no one but me would understand it. And this worked beautifully except that I got utterly fed up of having to look up what I was feeling, so I gave up. I read back over it while I was at home over Christmas and luckily my French has improved along with my quality of life.

Before that I had a Diaryland page (yes, that's right, I was blogging before it was cool) to which I stupidly gave the address to a couple of people from school. So I had to password it. Various people bastards claimed to have haxx0red it and sadly I was nowhere near as computer-savvy as I am now, so every day I was surprised when I came in that there wasn't a few dozen pages pinned to the noticeboards (these would have been more like "XYZ is a total utter bitch because she did this to me today angst angst angst" - all a bit Vicky Pollard really.) I deleted it finally in sixth form and set up again somewhere else some months later without telling anyone.

More recently someone I know rather stupidly left an MSN window open saying I was "irritating" them and continued to type in it about me while I was all of two feet away. Clever.
( Maladicta, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 16:29, Reply)

Prying eyes don't like what they read
Ex g/f, who was lovely but somewhat untrusting regularly used to go through my mobile and read through my list of contacts, usually quizzing me on each female name (Who are they? Are they prettier than me? Have you ever slept with them? Would you sleep with them if they asked?). She was a lovely girl, but the insecurities were beginning to drive a wedge between us and because she'd "confided" in all my friends about how insecure she was I had no-one at all to turn to.

Anyway, I did have one female pal she'd not met so a few texts were exchanged on the subject. Cue g/f walking into the lounge one evening in tears because she'd been through my mobile and read all my texts...

Whoops.

Next up was the instigator to my split with ex-mrs PJM. We hadn't been seeing eye to eye for months as our domestic life was as follows: she'd get in from work and nag the bejesus out of me like the spoiled brat she was. Once she'd finished giving me hell, she'd expect me to put out and would be somewhat less than chuffed when I'd invoke the "ewww gerroff!" method of contraception whilst trying not to vomit. This did absolute wonders for the state of harmony in the house.

Anyway, she announced one evening she was going out the following weekend "Fucking woo!" thought I and promptly invited the boys round for beers. However, with 48 hours to go she changed her mind, necessitating me emailing the chaps saying "actually mrs PJM isn't going out after all, but are you still up for beers?". The list of attendees dropped like a stone (very few of my mates saw eye to eye with her) so I emailed soemthing like "Don't worry, I'll get her out of the house somehow even if I have to use TNT".

Naturally, she went through my emails to see what I was up to, incorrectly assuming that my unwillingness to put out had something to do with me playing away from home.

"Why don't you want me around when you're with your friends?" she blurted seemingly oblivious to the obvious, shortly before embarking on a tirade the likes of which will remain unseen until Janet Street Porter succumbs to rabies.

We didn't last the rest of the week.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 1 Feb 2007, 16:08, Reply)

Company email
A while ago there was this girl working at my company who majorly had it in for me (no reason in particular, she was just an enormous bitch who took a dislike to me) and had a habit of sending nasty emails to her friends about people she didn't like. Fortunately she left last summer (after formal warnings about her inappropriate use of the company email system) and everybody heaved a sigh of relief.

I went for a quick tipple with my boss after work the other day and he confessed that when I first arrived at the company, she sent an email to someone else in the office saying that I had "a pretty face, but the body of a troll"!

I'm just really flattered that she thought I had a pretty face...
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:56, Reply)

Does Bridget jones and Adrian Moles Diaries count ?

( turb0t, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:54, Reply)

Not exactly someone's diary, but...
...me and about 5 of my mates (all university students) have been stalking a 15 year old American girl via YouTube. We've all subscribed to her videos (all of them in a blog style), and leave various comments for her.

I won't post the URL, so as not to give the game away, but it is something that all of you should seriously consider.
(Keiths Dad, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:50, Reply)

the letter
I found a letter down the back of a sofa my mother was throwing out.

I had a quick glance to see if it was to be kept, in it was her then soldier boyfriend. telling her in graphic detail what he was going to do to her when he was back on leave.

I'm still in therapy now, and can't look at a banana without shuddering.

lenght? She likes it fruity apparently.
(hudster, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:48, Reply)

I should point out....
......that he got a good kicking for the t*ts comment and that subsequently I got divorced.

Not that you give a toss - just makes me feel better
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:43, Reply)

When my brother died suddenly,
We were sorting through all his stuff, keeping any stuff he'd have wanted us to, and giving the rest to charity shops.
I found a digital camera, and suggested to my mum that we check if there were any photos of him on it, that we might appreciate having for the memories.
I copied all the .jpgs across on my mum's computer and we opened the first one up.
It was a fully naked picture of him holding his engorged cock. I think this was for some cyber sex site he had been telling me about a few months previously.
We didn't keep a copy of the picture, but let's just say that both me and my mum will be keeping the image in our mind's eye for a long time to come, like it or not.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:39, Reply)

I probably don't come out of this well
In my third year at university, I came home with a couple of my housemates to find a strange bag in the living room. In the spirit of "it might be a bomb or something, better check" I opened the bag, and the first thing I found was a fine pair of frilly red ladies' pants. Being the emotionally mature fellow that I was at age 20, I proceeded to have a bit of fun with said item of underwear, wearing them on my head and generally larking around. Suddenly housemate #5 appears from nowhere with a young Spanish lady in tow, presumably the owner of the aforementioned knickers. I managed to hide the evidence just in time as she picked up her bag and the two of them retreated into his room for sex. Later on, when they went to shower, I snuck into his room and replaced the pants in her bag. I'd totally got away with it.

Unfortunately housemate #2 had written up the entire incident in his diary, which housemate #5 found lying around the living room a few weeks later...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:38, Reply)

How my girlfriend of the time...
...had given some other bloke she worked with a blow job. And I forgave her. My God I was stupid.
( doctordoctor I feel like a pair of curtains, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:31, Reply)

Updating the old dears mobile...
...with pictures of her kids and as I opened it a text from her ex asked for a picture of her t*ts.

Friend of mine just found her current significant other on a dating site

The former Mrs Fishcharge 'found' on password protected PC emails to a close friend about my impending departure actions.

Shite at secrecy awards all round?
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:28, Reply)

Our Mate Andy
Is a bit of a quiet guy, never really says much and it's always an effort to drag him out for a night in town etc.
Never had a real girlfriend either.
He left his phone in my mates car last year, and assumed he'd lost it. So we did what any good friend's would do and read his txt messages when he had gone home.
Nothing in the in-box, hmmmm fishy.
Sent messages?
Countless messages to "ozzy"....

What you doing this weekend?
COol, you could come and visit
Dunno, what do you want to do?
Whatever you fancy ;)
That sounds great :D

We're very confused, having no idea who this mystery boy/girl is...

We could just watch a film, or maybe more.... ;)
Yeah we could do that, you dirty thing...

By now we're convinced he's got himself some little mistress that he doesn't want to tell us about, so we read on a few more in confusion until we find...

I want your big cock in my arse!

We didnt read any more, and haven't mentionned it since. As of yet, Ozzy is yet to appear - to our knowledge
(Nyphur, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:28, Reply)

illicit email
After accidentally stumbling across a badly hidden folder in her outlook, I discovered my partner was cheating on me with her then boss (he got moved to a different project). In the spirit of fucking the fucker, I printed out all 3 months worth of filth and posted a set to his wife - the mother of his two children - and a set to the pastor of his local church where he was an elderman or summat. He's not on their website anymore! It hurt a lot, and took some serious emotional bandage to sort out, but I'm glad I found out when I did, rather than living with the lie, especially as I had commisioned a ring to propose to her for her birthday.
(kaptinkurtz, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:27, Reply)

The Wife
Not a diary entry, sorry, but, I once read an outdated text from my now wife's previous boyf, which described her as a sexy puppy. This disturbed me not so much for its sexual content but because I am a cat person. She isn't a puppy, she's a kitten. Or am I missing something?
(ManekiNeko loves horses, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:14, Reply)

emails
after we split up, i found my wife was reading my emails till i left her an email bomb with a saucy subject line and the inside message saying do you think its a bit sad to to read others email. daft bitch had to tell me that was a childish thing to do or id never have known she read it
(montyzuma, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:12, Reply)

I read Anne Frank's ...
Had it been writen by FrankSpencer I might have enjoyed it more.
(Biff..., Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:11, Reply)