Let's see...
I've broken my nose three times. Once by falling onto a cattle grid and twice by slipping in the mud at a fairground and smashing face first into the condiment shelf of a hot dog stand on two consecutive visits.

I almost choked to death trying to impress my friends by swallowing an entire doughnut in one go (granted, a rather base from of entertainment). I remember seeing them all laughing heartily and then noticing as their faces grew with concern, my friend shouting "God, he's going blue!". Eventually my body repelled the treat in the form of a six inch doughy sausage.

Oh, and i accidentally shut my head in the fridge door recently.
(mudflaps, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:28, Reply)

Arse Rip
I was a first year university student at Derby university, England, when this happened. Me and three mates were enjoying a bright sunny afternoon in Darley Abbey park, totally sober and straight-headed, messin’ about by the river on rope swings, and sliding down a six-foot high, moss covered weir that the river was travelling down. This was great fun, and we were all really enjoying ourselves until one of my friends (the one submitting this story) suggested I slide down a portion of the weir that was steeper as this would make me go faster. I obliged.

When I reached the bottom, I stopped dead and stood up swearing. I’d hit what felt like a raised rock, and my left buttock was throbbing painfully. I slowly walked over to the riverbank where my friends lifted my shorts up to inspect the damage, as there was blood trickling down my leg by this point.

I was met with cries of “Hospital!” and “Don’t look!!” so I looked, of course, and all I could see was all this bubbly fat hanging out of my buttocks, like a pile of mini pink frogspawn…

Anyway, we got to the car and rushed to the hospital, me lying on the back seat and one of my friends in the boot! When we got there the receptionist was very dismissive (I could still stand so there obviously wasn’t too much wrong with me) until the friend who’d made me slide down the steep bit in the first place grabbed a passing doctor and forced him to look at my injury. I was immediately offered a stretcher and wheeled into a nearby cubicle.

While we were waiting for me to be seen to, my friends decided to amuse themselves by flicking globules of fat across my legs, and I think this worked in my favour as a doctor came in and asked us to keep it down as someone in the next cubicle had gone into cardiac arrest, and we were seen shortly after that!

When the doctor came in to see me, he tested my leg for feeling, and pulled open the wound that stretched right across my left buttock in a broad V shape.
“See that dark bit there?” he said to my friends, “that’s the muscle. You’re very lucky that it wasn’t damaged at all”

Unfortunately, as I was lying on my front, I couldn’t see anything. Every doctor and nurse on shift at the time, however, did. They all came in to have a look and I felt like a prize exhibit. One even took a Polaroid picture – which he wouldn’t let me look at – saying it was to show his medical students. Yeah right - if it hasn’t appeared on rotten.com or ogrish, I’ll eat my fat!

I was given two options; local anaesthetic, out in two hours, or general anaesthetic and in over night. Being a double-hard bastard, I opted for the local, and the doctor and his Irish student work-placement nurse got to work. I could feel the stitches being pulled through my arse fat despite the anaesthetic as he double-stitched me back together.

In two and a half hours I was sitting in a beer garden, staining my seat with blood, enjoying a beer or few with a new story to tell.

On a later date, we re-visited the crash-site to see what it was that had ripped my left arse-cheek open. My friend ventured out to the spot and felt around, and sticking up about two centimetres out of the rock at the bottom of the wier, was a metal pipe, about a centimetre in diameter. It had pierced my left buttock right in the centre, ripping it open, spilling fat everywhere, and exposing the muscle.

I am still haunted by the fact that, in a parallel universe somewhere, I’d sat myself two inches to the left…
(bobba, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:25, Reply)

do you mean
embarrassing spelling mistakes?
(haberman is singing in the changes, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:24, Reply)

Beans...
About a year ago i suddenly got the incredible need to devour a tin of beans, in the very human pastime of lunch time. Wel anyway i managed to pick up the oldest tin opener we had instead of the new one and proceeded to hack open the tin to get to the beany goodness inside. But in my passion to do so the opener slipped and a razor sharp edge of the can buried itself about an inch deep into the side of my thumb.

The good news is i did manage to get my beans... the bad news was they were very bloody and i still have a massive tin phobia.

Fin
(Pimms'N'Lemonade thinks you are a twat, prove me wrong., Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:23, Reply)

A little like the deap heat story
Me and the misses went out on the beer a while back. After we got back we had something to eat and "hit the rug". I done the honest thing and got down and chewed some rug. She was screaming and I thought I was a legend!... that was until she screamed "YOU'VE GOT PHAL ON YOUR FINGERS!!!!". Owch! Talk about bean curry!
( GeordieSteve, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:17, Reply)

If at first you don't succeed
On one of those adventure weeks (10 days I think) with school, I managed to slip on the parallel bars and knock myself out.
My parents visited us the weekend after, on showing them what I did, guess what, repeated the success. Cue waking up in the nurses station again with a very strong sense of deja vu.
(The real vlad the impala, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:15, Reply)

Not good
I used be an Ice hockey goalkeeper - I took a slapshot in the nuts at a training session from the distance of about 3 metres. Goalies wear big "boxes" to protect their manhood and abdominal area. Did the fucking puck not just move the box and encroach upon my man bags! Jesus H Christ! The pain ... I was levelled for the next half hour, on the ice trying to be sick. Showering after that was fun. My left test swelled to the size of an apple - The next day the doc told me to take three days off and insisted that i have no "funny business" with the wife - It's great when old doc's speak like that :)
(fudge the return of the man with the cat on his head, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:03, Reply)

I used to be an avid fan
of Condensed milk... which is a bit of a problem because I'm lactose intolerant. I was probably about 11 when I last tasted the stuff - for some reason I've developed a bit of a phobia of it. Basically, Mum had pretty much an everlasting condensed milk supply in the cupboard - she was a cake decorator so she used a lot of it in fruit cake. Anyway I managed to get a tin of Condensed milk open with a knife one day... and ate the whole damned lot of it. I was just finishing up, licking the lid, when I caught my tongue on probably one of the least friendly spars on the lid. It cut into my tongue (really deep) and I ended up in hospital, having to get stitches in it.

What made it much worse is that I nearly shitted myself on the doctor's chair. Apparrently Condensed milk has a particularly high lactose content... unbeknownst to me at the time. So I had stitches and the shits for the next week. Brilliant.

And I still have the scar on my tongue to prove it.
(brazzin, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:59, Reply)

I was never
a scrapper at school, but once I hit someone and pushed him over because he deserved it. I left him on the ground and was backing away from him, trash-talking as young boys do, when I tripped over a schoolbag, fell backwards and broke my wrist. I didn't half feel a stupid fucker.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:58, Reply)

Joe Ballswing

I had a friend when I was about 15 called Joe Baldwin who was a bit wierd.

Anyway, we on our new rope swing that we made going over a brook which was really steap and was a great swing! it had a bit of rope with a large log on it that you held onto with your hands.

In Joes infinate wisdom he decided to sit on the log which had a little bit of a twig sticking out. He was swinging fine, having fun.

When he tried to jump off though he got his jean stuck where the twig was, in between his legs.

As he fell his nad got caught on the twig and ripped, leaving it behind through his jeans.

I felt like a bastard because I copuldn't call an Ambulance due to laughing too hard!

He only had one nut from then on and was then called Joe Ballswing.

He apologies for his length.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:56, Reply)

Playing S.P.O.T
at primary school. If you don't know it, it involves kicking a ball against a wall. It's not mentally challenging. Anyway I went for a huge kick, as you do, mistimed it and ended up running my foot over the top of the ball resulting in a cartoon-stylee flip in the air and land on head. Came round, bleeding somewhat, in the headmasters office some time later. Nothing so embarrasing/scary at the age of 10 as waking up to find your headmaster staring at you.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:45, Reply)

Ouch- never felt pain like it
At school, aged 15. Messing about at dinner- pretended to throw my mate Winnard out of a first floor window. Wouldn't have hurt him- there was even a bush outside to break his fall. Anyway, the boy was a bit like Mowgli off the Jungle book, and managed to avoid my little prank. Worse still, he turned round and kneed me right in the plumbs!

Now girls, you may not be able to realise just how painful this is, and for that you are lucky. I had to go home from school- picked up by my mother.

All weekend I was in agony, unable to sleep or eat as my swollen genitalia denied my any kind of comfort. It was only when my mother demanded to see the problem on Sunday, that she rushed me to hospital, who admitted me immediately. My balls were about 3 times their normal size- which in different circumstances, could have been impressive.

I'm not sure what was more embarassing- having to show my mother, the fit german student nurses who fondled them for experience on their work placement, or the 9 years of ridicule I have endured since
(dogger collymore, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:21, Reply)

stupid injuries, i've had a few
i was around 10 and playing keepy uppy with my sister, using a balloon. just as i was about to beat my record i let it drop. in my frustration, i went to boot it as hard as i can. needless to say, i missed and twatted the floor. big toe went black and is still an odd shape now :(
(sunny chiba, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:18, Reply)

Showing off
When I was young (13 maybe?) my next door neighbours bought a huge new climbing frame for their two sons. I decided that I should claim my throne as king of the frame and proceeded to jump from the top to stamp my authority. However, on the way down my feet got caught in the rungs which flipped me face down. I held my hands out to try and stop my fall (??!?!?!) which resulted in me shattering both my wrists. To make things worse my mother didn't believe me even though I was crying my eyes out and my neighbours got rid of the climbing frame as it was dangerous. I now have very skinny wrists (well, the left one at least)
(Fully Goyle what?, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:15, Reply)

When I was but a wee lad...
I had my feet in one of those washing up bowls you put in the sink, hopping around and having a jolly good time. However, I got a little too close to an open window, and I jumped straight up, smacking the top of my head on the corner of the window with unbelievable force! The bastard thing split my head open! But instead of taking me to the hospital or attending to it, my mum drove me to the pub to ask my uncle if it was alright to just leave it! Negligent cow...
(Keiths Dad, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:15, Reply)

Oh dear god
I can't believe I'm about to write this... oh well, enjoy people!

I used to be a bit of a violent fucker, prone to getting into scraps at school. One of these was with a mate in the changing rooms. It wasn't anything spectacular (hey, we were like 14), but because he was much bigger than me he ended up sitting on my chest to calm me down.

At least, he thought he was sitting on my chest.

Imagine my situation - I'm on the floor, bent into all sorts of awkward positions, with some cunts leg in my face. I can't breathe, because his leg is taking up my mouth and nostrils. I did what anyone in that position would do to get him off me.

I bit him.

Really really hard.

Only it turned out he wasn't sitting on my chest, he was sitting on my face, and it wasn't his leg in my mouth, it was his arse-cheek.

He couldn't sit down for a while, and his girlfriend tells me that even now, years later, he still has a scar.

Poor fucker has a scar on his arse that all his girlfriends will see from now on, and he has to explain that another guy bit him there.
( Detrius521, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:10, Reply)

I Dislocated my arm picking up tablecloths
The CCTV footage is very shamefull. Involves me picking up a bunch of tableclothes, arm popping out, me dropping them and waving my lifeless arm about trying to jam it back in...

Fun fun fun
( dantl, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:08, Reply)

I fell down a hole...
...and my uncle Sam had to come and get me out (he's a fireman see) and he found out I had been stealing Kit Kats from my mum's shop. In case you're wondering, I'm a little ginger Welsh boy.
(Keiths Dad, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:04, Reply)

TEETH MARKS!
I still have a set of teeth marks in my chest from where one of my ex's bit in the chest whilest having sex. The bitch drew loadsa blood. And left me whining in pain.
(Dry Crackers, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:04, Reply)

Bike Bum
My friend in his infinite wisdom decided to go out on his 750cc Motorbike in shorts t-shirt, no gloves and trainers.

Well anyway he hit some diesel on the road and came off, the unfunny bit was no skin from foot to shoulder down one side but in hospital he was showing us the injuries.

One of the injuries was on his butt, well 2 of them actually. He ripped himself another butt hole! O'h how we laughed.

Soz dude ;)
(DJPete1, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:01, Reply)

Skating!
I'm quite a confident skateboarder, but for some random reason I had one of those days where you can do almost fuck-all. Well I went to do a hip-transfer and fucked up. Slipped, and fell onto my arse which was not nice since my foot was undernieth. I landed sitting on my foot. My foot spun 180 degrees and snapped my ankle and rippied the tendons off of the left side of my leg. I'm still going to physio for it now. LOL.

I've also snapped a deck whilest board sliding and managed to credit card myself on a scafold poll. I was pissing blood that night.
(Dry Crackers, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 10:56, Reply)

why men shouldnt cook (Well, me anyway)
I was trying to take my food out of the oven because my girlfriend had deided to go out and leave me to fend for myself.

Whilst reaching into the oven to get my dinner, the underside of my arm touched the baking tray.

My gut reaction was to lift my arm up, and away from the tray, unfortunately, not being oven trained, I stuck the top of my arm straight onto the cooking element and instantly burnt a hole in the top of my arm.

I still have the scar
(Bingo, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 10:55, Reply)

first time..
having 'fun' (but not sex) with my first gf.. i thought she knew what she was doing so didnt want to say anything.. but lets just say she was a little 'rough' with her hands. swollen and bruised for 3 weeks..


also, whilst doing a 4ft drop-off on our bikes (mountain bike, essentially a drop-off is riding your bike off a wall (or similar) onto ground below) my mate came acropper. in my haste to get down, i messed up a bit too, and landed scrotum-first on the stem of my bike. the pain was immense, the scrotum was bruised..

finally, and worst of all, i was learning to skate a few years back, and was getting annoyed i couldnt 'ollie' ('jump' the board). i was feeling quite irate, so decided to pick my board up and go inside. my usual method of this is to kick down on the back of the board, and catch it.. unfortunatly, due to my anger, i kicked a little hard and my board retaliated by braking my nose about 1/10th of a second later. blood everywhere, mates pissin themselves. doh
(5lab, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 10:54, Reply)

Embarrasing Injuries
A colleague at work managed to get his “peter” stuck in his zip on his jeans. What made it worse was the fact that it had to be reported in the accident book, where it remains for all to see.
(j0nny, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 10:53, Reply)

Man I have loadsa these!
Another stupid injurie was when I was on the roof of my Nan's bungalow with a mate of mine smoking a doobie. I then procced to do a cartwheel on the peak of the roof slipped, making a line of cracked tiles breaking against my arse. Feel off the roof and broke my arm. One word... STUPID!!!
(Dry Crackers, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 10:52, Reply)

one night, with my ex,
i said to her that if she ever wanted to "go wild" to go right ahead and do it. she enjoyed scratching a lot and so did that... a lot. my back got hacked to pieces. i had to shave with my shirt on for a week to avoid my mum seeing my bare back!
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 10:50, Reply)

Almost snapped!!
When I first started having sex with my now ex-girlfriend, we were expirementing in different positions and the first time she went on top I will never foget. She put on all her weight in one go, relised she couldn't take it and fell backwards. My dick felt like it was going to snap in two. My god it hurt. Next day after going to see the docters, they said the swelling will go down quickly. Thank fuck. Stupid bitch damaging my man-hood.
(Dry Crackers, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 10:48, Reply)

Hot batter.
My ex-wife (well she wasn't my ex at the time)slipped on some stairs and broke her arm.
After the cast came off I was made to spend a lot of time rubbing 'deep heat' ointment into her arm to ease the muscle pain.
This normally happened last thing at night.
One night the massaging of her arm progressed into something a bit more sensual. My ex wasn't terribly into sex so whenever the opportunity arose, I'd go for it quickly before she changed her mind.
A few seconds later whilst touching her front bottom parts, she started to moan and writhe. Result! I thought, she's finally responding to my manly touch. Alas no, I still had remnants 'deep heat' on my hands.
We didn't have a bath in that apartment, just a shower cubicle. Till my dying day I will never forget the sight of her sitting in the bottom of the shower (with the plughole bunged up with bog roll so that the water wouldn't drain away) wearing a look of sheer misery.
(The Pink Strat Copy, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 10:41, Reply)