Prince William stole my job
I had just finished a Masters course & was desperate to get work experience on a research project called Shoals of Capricorn, based somewhere idyllic in the Indian Ocean. They were studying marine plankton ecology out there, and I had just received a distinction for my 6-month MSc project all about marine plankton ecology. My MSc group was a small one, so I have little reservation in saying I was probably the best qualified graduate in the country for the position. I am also a qualified SCUBA diver.

They turned me away, saying they wanted ‘someone better qualified’. Imagine my surprise then, when 4-weeks later, an 18-year old Prince William got the position as part of his Gap Year. He was the perfect candidate – the Sun newpaper told me – ‘because of his A-level geography qualification’.

But I’m not bitter. No, wait! Yes I am.
(daytripper, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 0:36, Reply)

While in hospital
my brother was told that Prince Charles would be visiting his ward on some kind of royal visit thing.

On the same day, he was scheduled to give a sperm sample for possible future use, as he was about to undergo chemotherapy which would likely make him sterile.

When my mum phoned him at lunchtime she asked, "How are you today?"

"Great!" he replied, "I had a wank and met a prince."

"Well I hope you washed your hands," she said.
( Mystery_Bob, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 16:52, Reply)

[mention of never meeting royalty]
[joke about knowing a homosexual who is therefore a 'queen']

[poor length/penis pun]
( Lightguy hail satan, Sat 5 Aug 2006, 18:41, Reply)

Never curtsy in fishing waders
Many, many moons ago, my great aunt was fly-fishing in a patch of river up in the highlands of Scotland. The side of the river she was fishing on was owned by some local laird, and on the other side was Balmoral Castle. It was late August, and the Royals were all in residence - it was fairly normal to see the occasional pair of them out on horseback on the other side of the river, or a fleet of Land Rovers heading off up onto the moors for a shoot. According to the locals, the great rule was that unless they acknowledge your presence first, you ignored them entirely.

Great aunt was in a fairly deep patch of the river, and therefore in waders, happily fishing away. Suddenly on the other side of the river she sees - who else? - the Queen Mum, who was already the Queen Mum by this stage, walking along the river bank.

The Queen Mum gives my great aunt a nod, and so my great aunt, in her excitement at actually being acknowledged by a royal, curtsies.

In her fishing waders. In four and a half feet of water. Cue the waders rapidly filling with water, my great aunt shrieking from the cold, and the Queen Mother absolutely wetting herself with laughter. Family legend.
(hakkety, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 23:33, Reply)

Princess "Horseface" Anne
Came to visit where I was working once. It was up in the Lake District in a little business park near Whitehaven. It was a right royal pain. Firstly, it was at the height of the I Run Away's bombing campaign so security was as tight as a ducks arse. They even banned cars from the site so everyone had to park about a mile away and walk up a huge hill to get to work. Secondly, the bosses went mental about cleaning everything and making things spotless for the visit. So much so that they even banned us from using the toilets in case we left a floater for her to see.

Anyway, eventually Her Royallness arrived and the chosen few were taken to see her for a bit of being looked down on. For some reason I wasn't chosen (wonder why) and I was banned to the server room and told not to come out on pain of death until she was gone. As I was stuck with nothing to do, I opened the fire door (turned off alarm first) and went onto the fire escape and whiled away the morning picking my nose, reading a book and smoking until she pissed off and I could get back to my office. Eventually a convoy arrived and I caught my one and only glimpse of her as she was whisked away. Thank fuck for that - I was bursting for a piss! Of course, with her gone the toilets were now open again for us proles and I headed for them with my full bladder looking forward to relieving the pressure. Got there and "Curses!!" Bloody huge queue! Only one thing to do. Outside into the deserted car park and a quick whiz into one of the newly laid flower beds.

So there I was, knob in hand, enough pressure built up to power a turbine and this voice came out of nowhere.

"Piss on me mate and I'll kick you bollocks off"

What the fuck? And then the flower bed in front of me moved and this bloody sniper stood up right in front of me followed by other bushes and assorted greenery suddenly turning into very bored looking soldiers.

Funny old world isn't it?

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:03, Reply)

Prince William naked
I saw Prince William naked once. My school swam against his school. He had a very small penis. But then again he was only 13 at the time and it could be down to shrinkage.

Oh I probably should add that is was not a naked swimming match, it was in the changing rooms afterwards (obviously).

My penis is large and powerful.
(veniceboy lives in California, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 0:07, Reply)

Nearly 'shot' one of the buggers
I don't recommend doing this. Prince Phillip was visiting the building next to us on our Sheffield 'business park'. Our top floor had a cracking view of next door's reception. We had darkened windows (from the outside, can't see in) and I had a reasonably well powered laser pointer.

Seriously, it's funny for about a second to try and 'draw' squiggly lines on the Queen's Husband's Forehead.

Watching every single plain clothes copper in the crowd and surrounding area go fucking mental was a sight to behold. And the secret service. And the police. And the mayor. Philip, oblivious of course.

My heart rate must have hit 4 figures until i disposed of the laser pointer, (in the void void above the false ceiling, best hiding place ever), returned to my desk and played it very very cool when the secret service came and spoke everyone in the building. I even managed to look annoyed at their presence.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 15:02, Reply)

Diana drive by
Princess Diana drove past my house once (seriously!)....

...she was in a stretched black car, going pretty slowly. She had lots of flowers with her and she was wearing a pine box.

I'll get my coat now for my trip to Hull.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 15:06, Reply)

I met two members of the Tongan Royal Family

They were surprisingly abrasive. Some people have even suggested that they might not have been royal at all. But the man clearly said "Yeah an' I'm the fuckin King of Tonga mate".


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 14:13, Reply)

Havent met any as such
but have listened in to a lot of their phonecalls
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 22:11, Reply)

I am such good friends with her majesty
That i carry around silver and bronze medalions and some pictures with her face on.
These are so popular, i find that so many people want them, so i exchange some (i have lots, fnar fnar) for food stuffs and other such things.

Plus, the queen personally marks each and every one of the letters i receive via the post with a nice self portrait she drew herself.
she's like my nan, she is.
( Willwillwritehiswill An arse like a slapped face., Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:24, Reply)

Ngierian (?) Royalty
I keep getting emails from PRINCE ADENUKAYE OF NGIERIA. Apparently he's got a load of money in an account somewhere, and if I send him *5k to access it, he'll send me a couple of million by return post. Only thing is, I need someone to send me *200 to access my *5k. If anyone feels like sending it to me.....
(ReAndyMator has been very bored since July, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 15:45, Reply)

poker
so diana, gianni versace and freddie mercury are all waiting to get into heaven.

st peter approaches them and says he is very sorry, but there is only room for one. each of them must prove his/her worthiness and the winner will be allowed in.

gianni versace said, "i gave things of beauty to the world."

freddie mercury said, "i entertained millions."

diana said nothing. instead, she pulled some evian out of her little bag, removed her underwear, squatted down, and washed her lady bits.

st peter applauded and let her straight in. he slammed the pearly gates shut in the disbelieving faces of the other two, who were clamouring to know why diana had been allowed in for that.

"don't you know," st peter called as he walked away, "that a royal flush will always beat a pair of queens?"

sorry...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 15:37, Reply)

The Queen Loves Swansea
She visited Swansea with His Royal Highness Phil of Germany a few years back. Once they got off the train, they boarded thier Royal bullet-proof-glass-wagon and paraded down High Street, passing a shop where I used to work in.

What with it not being everyday that the Queen passes the store, we all pile outside and are treated with Phil waving like mental at us, so we wave back. The Queen, however, can't really keep up with the happy smile side of things as she was too busy watching some tramps shitting in a hedge on the other side of the road.

Her gob-smacked face will remain in my memories forever.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 22:42, Reply)

Royal Minge.
My mate Richard worked as customer service manager at a top notch hotel where the Queen and her posse were staying (he made sure the trouser press worked and that there was a mini pack of digestives on the tea-making tray - or something like that.) After she left, him and a colleague were inspecting the room to see if they had left any valuables behind. Nothing.
But lo - there on the toilet seat was a solitary pube!
The vision of them kneeling down either side of the crapper, staring at a lone piece of muff minge discussing how to advertise it on ebay will stay with me forever
(DrTugnut, Sun 6 Aug 2006, 16:59, Reply)

Charlie Is My Darling
I once met Prince Charles.*

I was working on an aircraft carrier when Charles was still in the Navy and the Captain asked me to take a message to HRH.

"Where will I find him Sir?" I asked.

"Shouldn't be hard" says the Captain "He'll be on the flight deck. You can't miss him - he'll be the Jug-Eared Idiot feeding bread to the helicopters"


*May be a complete pack of lies in order to slip in a crap joke....
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 6 Aug 2006, 11:32, Reply)

Prince Charles
Prince Charles came to my school once. My friend Clive was one of a few boys selected to line up and meet him. I asked him afterwards what it was like and he replied, 'It was ok. I probably could have stabbed him'.
(your dad's pimp fuck you, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 3:09, Reply)

Deaf-ly Silent
Whilst working at the Commonwealth Games in Manchester back in 2002 (?), HRH Prince Phillip - the talisman of Political Correctness and tact - was being "treated" to a performance by some godawful steel drums band as part of the celebrations. There were several lucky children present in the audience also, all aged 5-11 or so. They didn't seem too enthused about the whole get-up. Dearest Phillip noticed...

Prince Phillip: "They seem awfully uninterested"
School Teacher: "They're all deaf, your Highness."

And with his usual tact, came the reply: "Well, you'd chuffing well have to be to stand here"

I made sure that went in the daily edition of the athletes' newspaper.

(* I'm pretty sure it was 'chuffing'. That's how I've always retold it, anyway)
(safetywink, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 2:28, Reply)

Never met royalty but
we found out through doing a history project that Anne Boleyn had brother call tenpin
(djgalaxe, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 16:34, Reply)

Let them eat cake
*end lurk mode*

As many others on this board I am also related royalty and have known the horror of tracing family trees althought his was back in the stone age when all family records were kept at Somerset House and due to the royal houses of Europe acting like its a big game of musical chairs it turns out I have a link to no less than 6 different thrones.
Cool but no thick wads of cash to go with it as some Hungarian countess decided to do a runner with a sailor and spawn my blighted branch.
But I digress.
My first real contact with royals came from the wedding of Charles (jug eared hippy) to Diana (neurotic and self obsessed slapper). Now my aunty lives out in the sticks in some posh village and one of her neighbours is a friend of Earl Spencer (father of said slapper) and so everyone in the village got a chunk of there wedding cake. Now apparently thats not unusual as the cake itself was huge and bits were sent to anyone who had ever wiped a royal backside etc. but me an 8 year old with an attitude this was pretty neat. The cake was slit up and each member of our family got a tiny bit to eat so I reckon i'm pretty unique on here as the only person to have eaten the royal cake that we peasants are supposed to munch our way through.
Now let me tell you that cake was absolutly ...

SHITE!!!!!

Honestly soreen malt loaf would have been better. I've never eaten such a bland tastless collection of bat droppings in my life and my deflated disgust at this turned me republican overnight. From that day it became my mission to repay the royal family for making me eat SHIT CAKE!

Spin time on a few years and I was at the paradise that was Alton Towers waiting for a ride on the enterprise when who should pop out the woodwork but the royal slapper with inbred progeny in tow. Well does she have to have to wait for an hour behind a stinking drunk Brummie to get 30 seconds of joy? Noooooooooo you just come right on in your royal legspreadersness and never mind the line.
well here was my chance and with all the anti royal bile I had been saving up I let rip an almighty "F*CKING LINE JUMPERS".
I got some stern looks from her bully boys but since I was surrounded by muttering and tanked up proles who were all thinking the same thing no action was taken.
So while I struck a blow for equality she ignored the incident (probably wondering if there were any carny types to nail behind a shed somewhere) but the two boys looked embarressed enough to die.

Result satisfactory.

Let that be a lesson royal scroungers....

NEXT TIME BETTER CAKE!



*reengage lurk mode*
(Ozwald, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 18:03, Reply)

First of many...
When applying for a certain loyaty card at a certain over-priced GAME selling shop, at the point of any other titles i put "lord".

I now regularly get lovley HAND WRITTEN letters telling me of the deals they do!

A bit of topic, but oh well.
Shine my boots.
(City wall is not doing much, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 9:01, Reply)

Many, many years ago,
when I was about two, Prince Charlie came to Australia to tour before he tied the knot with the ill fated Princess Di. I'm not sure how we ended up there but my parents took my brother and I to a polo match somewhere in Sydney that Chrlie was attending. Some time during the match, Mum wondered where I'd got to and was told by Dad 'Don't look, he's not with us.'
This was because I'd wandered inside the red tape of the royal enclosure, downed trolleys and was pissing on the ground about ten feet in front of Charlie. So there. Prince Charles has seen my dick.
( The Togaboy The world will end on, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 1:52, Reply)

Liz's Garden Party
My family were invited to the Queen's Garden Party in Edinburgh a few years ago.

We had to wear posh togs, with hats and everything. It was a lovely day, and we got free tea and cakes. After about an hour of getting there, people started lining up to meet the royals.

My brother and I decided to get a good view near the front. We must have been standing for at least an hour, all the while being prodded by flamboyantly dressed Security with big sticks, asking us to move back whilst we waited for the Royals to show.

There were loads of old folks and wheelchair-bound war veterans who had been invited, and were very excited at the prospect of a royal handshake. They pushed through the people that had been waiting and arranged themselves at the front of the crowd.

Eventually Liz, Phil and Andrew showed up, shaking a few hands and having a natter on the way round. Andy looked a bit miffed in his Navy uniform, and made a hasty retreat to the Royal tea tent. Liz met a few brave children and old folks. The nearest I got to a royal was good ol' Phil. As one old wheelchair bound lady wheeled towards him, he asked her if she could do a wheelie. He then told us that, if we got invited again, we should all get a wheelchair so we could barge our way to the front, 'like this one'.

He then started telling us that you can get wheelchairs in America that can push people who weigh up to 400lbs.
' I wouldn't like to be the one pushing her !' he chortled before bidding us goodbye, wished us a good day and sauntered off to his next set of adoring fans.

Gawd love 'em !
(heartspark, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 15:45, Reply)

Golden comedy moment
About 5 years ago I went to a dinner and reception at Buck House (I used to go quite often - my company was v involved in the DofE Award scheme thingy).. anyway.. There were about 10 of us waiting in a smallish room for Prince Edward to show up. I was chatting to some fat cat (head of Reuters in Europe) as the doors were flung open and two footmen appeared ushering the princely personage in. As the doors started to open I saw Mr Reuters reaching out to help himself to a large handfull of the purple'ish crisps that were in a bowl on a side table. I guess he thought they were those beetroot crisps or something similar. Seconds later, just as the prince walked in, he spluttered and spat the mouthfull of pot-pourri into his hands and all over the carpet. And down his chin. Perfect timing.
( Three Dog Man, Thu 10 Aug 2006, 15:38, Reply)

Helpdesk
I used to work on the computer network for the MOD, and of course we have a 24 hour helpdesk. Obviously not manned by the most highly paid people.
One night the two guys manning the desk recieved a call from an irrrate Prince Andrew who had a problem. (he worked in MOD main building at the time).

"Can I take your name please"
" Yes This is the Duke of York"
" and can you tell me your surname please "
"I said, this is the Duke of York "
" Yes, but you Must have a surname, havnt you got one ?"
"No, I am the Duke of York, Prince Andrew"
" I'll just put down York then"


beggers belief
( ratman, Thu 10 Aug 2006, 7:08, Reply)

It was the road leading up to Ascot rather than...
the racecourse itself, where the royal family used to stop in their carriages for a few minutes before carrying on. I'm not sure why, just one of those snooty 'changing of the guard' ceremonies where nobody knows what the hell's going on.

Aaaaaanyways, I'd wangled a day off school for being a snotty nosed little mummy's boy and I had dressed rather splendidly in my favourite pirate outfit and a top hat out of my Paul Daniels magic set (top hat's being the thing to wear at the races, of course).

Now this was the year that Fergie had been caught scoffing a man's toes (in between sniffing for truffels) and she was banned from the whole event by M'am. But as I was generallly being a little boy, running along the roadside flicking bogies, I caught sight of a Rolls and made a bee-line for the window. To my surprise I was confronted by a beaming Duchess Ferguson waving at me and pointing out how cute I was to her toffo chums!

Not knowing the true significance of the previous Saturday's Daily Mirror expose, I proceeded to sit on the floor and pull my foot to my face while feining a lick/suck action, in mockery of her foot-fettish-foolery.

To her credit, Fergie burst out laughing and I returned triumphantly to the crowd awaiting the 'real' Royals.

Since then I've always loved our Royal rogues - Harry, Fergie etc.

Apologies for length and girth. How about a royal rumble?
(Party Sausage, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 17:27, Reply)

I once bought the Queen off eBay.
I bid £20.31 at the last minute and arranged for me to pick her up from the owners house.
So I drove down to london to a pokey east-end flat. I found the guy's door and knocked. He asked me through the letterbox who I was. I replied that I was Ross and had recently purchased the Queen.
The chap then unbolted the door. and lead me inside. He took the Queen out of the cupboard and handed her over, assuring me that she was now my property and he had no legal responsibility over her.

So I took her home and things went OK for a while. We would have tea and biscuits every afternoon and I would occasionally take the bag off her head so she could make pretend speeches. Oh the fun we had.
I used to take her on long walks in the countryside and we'd have a great time. She would tire often but I would always stop and wait for her to catch her breath again.

Then one day I thought it was safe to let her off her leash. She instantly made a break for it. I tried to catch her but tripped over a rock.

I never saw her again.

Disclaimer: Event may truly be based upon fiction.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 20:03, Reply)

Did you know....
.....that when the Queen attends a function, she has to have her own lavatory. When this is being prepared, a security guard stands outside the lav door, whilst inside someone drops a peeled banana down the loo. If the security guard hears the plop, he has to move away. FACT!!!
(Mad McMad, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 10:49, Reply)

Prince Charles visited my school yonks ago
And gave an assembly on... I don't know, probably something to do with cheese. Anyway, the school was a bit rough, and one lad thought it would be hilarious to shout 'CUNT' at the top of his voice.

Charlie didn't even bat an eyelid, surprisingly, but I think the boy got expelled.
( McBadger COW, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 15:24, Reply)

not me- Tommy Cooper
At a Royal Variety performance he asked the queen whether she liked football. She replied "not really" so he said "can I have your cup final tickets then?"
Genius.
( MontyyouterribleCUNT I gave Jeremy Kyle cancer, Thu 10 Aug 2006, 16:35, Reply)