the ol' two birds with one prank trick.....
I was doing some business dealings with a friend-of-a-friend's-father once; one of those guys who at heart was actually a very good bloke, but just had this pathological need to tell all the world what a successfully good top bloke he was all the time. Wanker, I mean to say. Let's call him Les.

He had an office on a fairly busy road, and just outside the town planners had created one of the most stupidly-placed crosswalks ever, right in the middle of a lovely, straight, flat, otherwise fast bit of road. To prove how important he was, Les would just walk out without seeming to look. This day I was with him and I waited, as a little beaten-up red car was rapidly approaching. At this point, readers, it will help to imagine Les as a slightly shorter, more gristly version of Brian Blessed, as he theatrically stops in the path of said vehicle and slowly, slowly lifts his head up and towards it. Cue young male driver smoking the little car's bags and furiously hoping to push himself backwards through his seat....and just stopping in time. Ever so calm, Les takes out a wee notebook from his shirt pocket, mid-road, and writes down the number plate before proceeding across the road to the pub where we were headed for lunch. At least, that was his plan. You see, I've witnessed this little performance a few times before, and I swear he gets a semi-on each time because he's a JP with a few mates who are coppers and the poor unfortunate driver will shortly expect a ticket in the mail, and Les just loves the power. This time, however, all did not go to plan.

Here's Les, enjoying himself immensely scribbling and smirking away, when two things happen nearly simultaneously; Firstly, a big black Mercedes 500 or something flys by on the other side with a grinning suit leaning out the driver's window shouting "better look where you're going next time eh, Les??hahahahaha or maybe get a walking stick!" and secondly the young fella driver decides he's had enough of being intimidated and that there's room between Les and the footpath, squeals the wheels under power this time, and lurches the car around Les, just missing his arse and shouting "what are you gonna do about it you fat git?" as he goes.

Les is now reddened, and he has not yet had a drink today. Turns out the suit is a neighbouring lawyer with whom Les has had several petty but nasty to-dos with about office parking and the like. Small thing, but important if you are as lacking in confidence in your penis as Les. He is silent for the first few moments in the pub, pinting and cigaring. Then the light bulb goes on; truly, you can see things like this through the screen of this man's fragile ego.

Les sends me to the bar for more drinks and a scrap of paper, and asks me to take a small dictation *snigger*. After a goodly lunch we repair back to the parking lot behind the offices (no crosswalk incidents this time) where Les quickly retrieves his large jack-handle from his luxury 4WD, glances around once and takes a running swipe at the rear corner of the big black aforementioned lawyermobile (now parked in one of Les's office's spots) and creams the taillight and a bit of panel too. Grabs the note in my hand, sticks it under the windshield wiper and we scarper.

As you have by now correctly guessed, it reads "sorry I didn't get his name but the young fella that hit your car was driving a red blahblah number plate xxx123; good luck!"

Lawyers, pricks, and speeding nonchalant drivers. The only person I like in this story is me.
(dadadali has hybrid vigour, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 8:57, 1 reply)

Child Abuse
Everyone who has a younger sibling will know that they are the best training ground targets for bullying, as you slowly move up the ladder from name calling to acts causing true psychological damage. Now my mate Will was no exception, he bullied his younger brother constantly, but after one to many times, said younger brother went screaming to parents about Will's latest exploit, and he was promptly grounded. The chance for revenge came a few days later, as part of his punishment was to look after the junior tell tale. After parents had left, Will systematically went through all the family albums, removing any pictures of his young brother from before he was about 3. Will then proceeded to go to his brother and tells him "Mum and Dad only protect you 'cause they feel bad you were adopted" offering all family photo albums, sans early years brother as proof.
Needless to say, Will was truly fucked when parents come home to find young boy in tears, shouting at them for not telling him he was adopted. Much punishment ensued. But Will still dines out on that story today.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 8:51, Reply)

Weeding out the squeamish
Not me but a friend of mine had a great way of weeding out squeamish types in his chosen profession (hospital biochemist). If he was conducting a lab tour of studenty types he'd take some cloudy lemonade and a microwaved mars bar and blend them together in a beaker beforehand. As this was a hospital biochemistry lab there were many types of tests done on all sorts of human excretions, jars of piss, blood, shit etc.

SO! when the studenty types came round he'd announce that he was going to test the contents of aforementioned beaker for PKU (phenylketonuria, no I don't know what it is either). The contents looked just like frothy shit.

He drank it.



Anyone who barfed was not considered good biochemist material.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 8:44, 3 replies)

Gullible.
.
Bungle, a guy I've written about before and who I really didn't like, was the victim in this tale.

In a pre-meeting meeting about the new mainframe system that the company was thinking of buying, I was spouting all sorts of technical bullshit and Bungle was nodding wisely as if he already knew what I saying. My boss was just smirking as watched Bungle lap up this stream of piss. Anyway, I told Bungle that when the IT director came in with the sales droids that we had to make sure that the Bastard Point of the new system was less than the Bastard Point of the old sytem.

"Err what?" says Bungle.

"The Bastard Point" says my boss.

"It's the time taken to reach the halfway mark in any major run. Like the overnight batch processing." says me chiming in. "If the Bastard Point of the new system is greater than the old, then we're wasting our time buying it"

"Ah" says Bungle. "I knew that"

And then the IT Director comes in and we all settle down to listen to the salesmans spiel. He woffled on about how wonderful the new software was, how it would save us time and money and listed all of the cool new things it could do. Then he asked if we had any questions.

Bungle stuck his hand up.

"It's all sounds very flash, but what's the Bastard Point?"


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 7:23, Reply)

my pranks aren't that evil...but fun
I had a real homophobic boss who ended up being a good friend. When I quit that job I had a dozen roses sent to him at the office from me and everyone made him pose with me in a gay fashion. He was beat red and so pissed at me.
(madvoodoo it must be the moon, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 6:44, Reply)

Bad Bad Bad Cousin
I had an evil cousin that was so heartless. She was a few years older than me and was vicious. She had puerto rican neighbors who were nice enough. One of the boys was her age but mentally challenged. He liked her but she was a cunt towards him. Once she packed fresh snow into a tupper and asked me to pee in it. I was about 7 years old. Duh , ok why? I did it and she said she was going to tell the "retard" that it was pineapple flavored ice shavings. She was about to call him over when I kicked the tupper out of her hand.
(madvoodoo it must be the moon, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 6:41, Reply)

Somewhat prankish
4 weeks ago, I was getting ready to move back in with my husband the following weekend, and my friend called and asked me out for dinner for a last "girly singles night".
"Sure", says I. 'twill be fun.

It was already going to be a good day - I'd taken my husband fishing for his first time and he'd caught a fish (I caught my limit, but that's another story), things were good and I was planning on having a blast.
Got back to where I'd been living, took a shower and prettied up for the lasses on the lash. My roommate drove me to where we were meeting so I didn't have to drive, and my friend met me there. 2 drinks later and she declares we have to go to another pub, so my roommate drove us both there.
We walked in, and my other friend offered us a drink. "Sure", says I. "Good", says she, as you're going to need it and points..............


......to my mum, her boyfriend and two family friends who had all flown out from the UK that day to surprise me. Everyone knew about it - my husband, my friends, the regulars at my local, even the fucking bartender knew!

God, it was brilliant - I screamed and cried and cried some more.
Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer in June and I never thought I would see her again.
Best 10 days of my life, biggest prank ever played on me!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 6:06, 1 reply)

Late night music
In university, I woke up out of a sound sleep to find my roommate in bed with someone. Our beds were less than three meters apart. I tried to ignore them, and told him in the morning to warn me next time.

Next week, same thing happens. This time, I lay there and watch. Although it's dark, the roomie sees me, the girl doesn't, and the next morning, I tell him don't do this anymore. "Yeah, yeah, whatever," he says. "Okay, just don't say I didn't warn you," I said.

Three days later, I wake up to hear him going at it again. I very slowly move my hand and turn on the stereo system and "Ride of the Valkyries" comes booming out of the speakers at 2am. She gets up, screams, tears the sheet off the bed and races out of the room. He starts chasing her, all the time yelling about how he's going to kill me.

He got the message, though, and told me he was going to warn me if he brought anyone home.
(countertroll, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 5:37, Reply)

Racked up a line of
freeze dried garlic (chopped)

and left it out on the living room coffee table on a mirror with a straw.

My cousin's curses woke the house.

Fucking skankin vampire!
(jmaxi returned again on, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 4:34, Reply)

Sudden Paralysis
I once was able to convince a GF that I suddenly lost all feeling in my legs. I played it up using an inordinant amount of playing upon her fears, as she sometimes would have dreams where she would be paralyzed from the legs down, and she feared paralysis (her dog would sleep on the bed and she couldn't move her legs which caused the dreams, I later found out). I sat, weepy eyes, quietly screaming in a distraught voice "I can't feel my fucking legs!," punching/gripping slightly for theatrical effect. Tried to get up and would fall down, etc. She completely freaked out and started to cry- about 10 minutes later, while we were cuddling on the couch, whispering words of support (I declined calling the hospital because I said that it might just be temporary- we'll see in the morning), my phone rang so I non-chalantly got up to go get it.

She punched me in the dick for that.
(denki, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 3:04, Reply)

Housemate 02
Another housemate of mine managed to pull some lass one night, and ended up going back to hers. (We'll call him Dave)

However when the rest of us arrived back at the flat we decided that we weren't quite ready to end the night just yet.

Que, all four of us delicately, and methodically, moving every single thing from Dave's room, into the kitchen...and actually being arsed to arrange it so that it mimicked the layout etc of his room exactly.

It was like that for about three days before he bothered to move everything back.

And to make it worse...we refused to help (albeit we eventually did cus we're not complete cunts)
(doris_day, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 2:14, Reply)

I suggested to my teacher that we named our class teddy bear Mohammed
Oh, how I rofled
( __, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 2:07, Reply)

Housemates
My housemate had a habit of being an ignorant prick, and also a complete lazy shite 99% of the time (read: left a mess, everywhere)
Nice enough fella, but a pain to live with.

Well one morning I was feeling a little worse for wear (read: severely hungover) and went down to the kitchen to discover he'd used all of MY bacon, and MY eggs...oh and MY bread.

So seeing as that was MY lovely hangover cure shot to buggery I decided to get some post-hangover grumpy revenge.


I pissed in his facewash stuff.


Didn't seem to have much of an effect (I had hoped his face would sprout leeks or something gross) but it was absurdly satisfying watching him for about a month afterwards, with a stupid little smug smirk on his face...COVERED IN MY PISS!

I only feel VAGUELY guilty about this one.
(doris_day, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 1:56, 1 reply)

i once
sent an 8-year-old girl to the chippy for a carton of pickled foreskins

i also sent a rather dumb and gullible 12-year-old to an off-licence for a packet of ovary eggs and a bottle of ultraviolet lemonade. she wasn't pleased about getting a sex education lesson off the girl in the shop!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 1:54, Reply)

Evil to teddy friend
I convinced one of my friends, a small yellow puppet bear by the name of Sooty, to go on holiday last month, I recommended Jamaica.



coat?
(Mensa Reject has gone out, I'll be back on, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 1:47, 4 replies)

My ex-flatmate (star of the Pathological Liar QOTW the other week. We'll call him 'Simon')
always informed us when he had a hot date. One day, he announced over dinner that he planned to have a hot date over whilst he cooked. This means we had to scarper. As the rest of us also lived in that flat, we didn't appreciate being told when or when not we should vacate the premises. Instead of being rational and just fucking off to the pub, my other flatmate, who we'll call Harold, had a brilliant idea.

Cut to: around 8.30pm that night as "Simon" prepares a lovely meal (chicken and chips) for his hot date. This would have been lovely, had it not been for an hour and a half previously when "Harold" changed his ringtone to one of Barry White's many love anthems. It also helped that we were listening eagerly at the door. At one point, "Simon" started telling his hot date about how he was having a wonderful time. At that point, we decided to ring Harold's phone, which we hid earlier inside Simon's cupboard.

"My first... my last... my ev-er-y-thing" started playing in the middle of the romantic couple's lovely dinner. As I was on the other side of the door, I can't describe it, but I'm sure the look on Simon's face was a picture.

(PS: I was the victim of a revenge attack a few weeks later when I pulled in a nightclub, took the girl to my room and after fifteen minutes of fooling around, 'Sexual Healing' by Marving Gaye started playing just outside my door. Touche, Simon.)
( __, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 1:45, 1 reply)

I staged my own abduction when on a family holiday in Portugal...

( Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 1:40, 1 reply)

Doggy style, woof woof.
A few years back a girl I used to work with who I shall call Natalie, for that is her name told me a teenager had been tormenting her boyfriend. She was pretty much obsessed with him, ringing him all the time and even going as far as to post his mobile number all over town. I told her to give me her mobile number and I'd sort it out.

Ten minutes of googling later and I discovered a dodgy beastiality forum. I posted something resembling 'for fun with me and my dog Steve, call this number.....'

A few days later Natalie told me this girl had received upwards of 30 phonecalls in one day and several dodgy texts where it got to the point she had to turn off her phone. Natalie overheard her saying; "It was strange, this one bloke said he wanted to do me in one hole while my dog did me in the other...I don't even have a dog!"

Its not the first time I've pranked someone like this, my cousin who was stealing money from my grandmother got dozens of obscene messages from gentlemen of a different sexual persuation asking to put lots of things in his bottom. A few months later he was found to be stealing again and got the same. Hes an idiot but I thought he'd at least see a pattern emerging....
(chakaflange, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 1:31, Reply)

ppissed/stoned pranks
my mates and i have played some pretty nasty stunts when we've been shitfaced one way or another. we've:

.immaced one side of a guy's head completely bald. very noticeable as he had thick, curly hair

.superglued one lad's hand round his cock. an hour in a warm,soapy bath meant he didn't have to go to hospital

.convinced one lad, a well-known scrounger, that what he was smoking was pot and not turkish black tea

gave my sleeping brother a tarty makeover which he didn't realise until he went home and mum pissed herself laughing at him

wrapped a lad from head to foot* in clingfilm. he couldn't move, so we stuck him in a kwik save trolley and pushed him round the street

there are plenty more, but i'm too tired to remember them

*except his mouth, of course
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 1:27, Reply)

pretend nazi nastiness
I still don't know who it was, but after barry fell asleep with drink on the sofa, somebody drew a swastika on the back of his neck. He walked back home through Shelton getting evil glares from the almost exclusively black/indian population and had not a clue why. I'm surprised he wasn't stabbed.

i don't think it was me.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 1:21, Reply)

Mocking the disabled
My best mate was quite deaf - thanks to surgery he's not so deaf these days, but at school he was totally deaf in one ear and had only partial hearing in the other, but he had enough to get by, use a phone, and all the other usual things we take for granted.

So me and his brother came up with the best practical joke ever. We'd wait for him to get engrossed in a tv programme or video game, then say "Dude, the phone's ringing." Also suffering from the more severe disabilities of eagerness and gullibility, he'd leap up and sprint out of the room, only to return a few moments later muttering "Bastards." A bit later, one of us would nudge him and say "Dude, there's someone at the door." Again, up he'd leap, off he'd sprint and back he'd come, muttering what cunts we were.

Evil? This went on for about five years.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 0:42, Reply)

I tried to wake up my brother, when he was asleep on the sofa.
I decided to fart in his face, but strained too hard, and ended up spraying him with diarrohea. He was not pleased.
(fantomex, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 0:33, Reply)

Fun and games with wheel clamps
I'm not the sort of person who usually plays tricks on people. One, I don't have a particularly devious mind and two, I generally can't be arsed. (And three I tend to find them cruel - many of the posts on here seem to be describing outright abuse rather than "pranks". I digress.) However, when the opportunity presents itself I just can't resist!

I used to work with a guy called James. Nice guy but a bit uptight. Would easlily fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.

One day James came into work and decided he couldn't be bothered with all that parking malarky and just dumped his car across three spaces. I sensed an opportunity for merrymaking.

On the pretext of going out for a fag I snuck into the car park and took a picture of the front of James' car on my phone, thusly:




Later, when James popped out of the office I quickly photoshopped a wheel clamp onto his car, thusly:



I then tranferred the image back to my phone.

When I got back to the office after my next fag break, I looked stony faced. James asked me what was wrong - and for once I managed not to give the game away by laughing. I played it deadly serious.

"Mate, I think you need to go and look at your car."

"Why?"

"You'll never believe me. Here, I took a photo." And I showed him the shopped picture of his car on my phone.

"Is this a wind-up?"

My poker face would have put a Vegas hustler to shame. "No mate, I swear it's not a wind-up. Go and see for yourself."

And with a cry of "motherfuckers!" he was out the door, as I basked in the warm glow of a job well done.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 0:18, Reply)

Germans
When my aged uncle was still in school he had this crazy German twunt for a chemistry professor.

At the beginning of the year the professor would give a stern lecture about "following instructions exactly" and "obeying without question." Etc.
Then at the end of the speech he would hand out test tubes full of human urine to each student. He would then tell them to do exactly as he did, and dipped his finger in the piss and put it in his mouth.

Of course the poor brainwashed students dutifully copied him, albeit reluctantly and with plenty of retching and gagging.

He then smiled his enigmatic German smile and told them they were "excellent in obedience, poor in observation--you see, I dip this finger, but I suck THIS one."

Now THAT is evil.

Edit: My uncle swears this is gospel truth--not an urban legend.
(TheWonderfulWombat It came to me in a dream., Sat 15 Dec 2007, 0:06, 3 replies)

The most evil prank?
Click "I like this" to find out





I'm sorry.. please don't Kill/Main/Ignore me, I'm just pointing out that I hate it when people say that schizzle.


Okay, to apologise, I'll write a real answer:

My friend and I during our second year of University (Bradford, what a wonderful place; I'm still there now doing my research, but I digress) were skiving away from lessons, with nothing to watch on TV, so after a bit of flicking, we saw QVC. We thought it a good idea to ring up and ask for things that didn't exist (i.e. Putting on an old man voice and asking if they still had "Some o' them slaves that they had when I were a lad"). On this occasion, however we got what we didn't expect; I put on my wonderful pervert voice, and asked the man if he had a huge cock (for sale). He replied with

Him: "Oh I do love a good cock sir, what colour do you want it?"

umm..

I:"Ohhh, I want it big and magenta"

Him:"Oh yes sir, what size?"

Huh?

I:"At least a footlong, like Subway"

Him:"I'm quite turned on now sir, where do you want me to stick it?"

*Click*

*Brrrrr*

I felt so ashamed that I was out-weirded by a phone-jockey.

18" x 18" with midgets dancing around it
(Lythium deals in lead, my friend., Fri 14 Dec 2007, 22:56, 2 replies)

Apprentices
In the last place I worked at, we were a maintenance depot, which means any faults with the trains are fixed on-site by engineers (or 'fitters' as we call them, amoung other things).

Anyhew - it's about 4am and I'm getting my train ready for the morning service - but there's a fault not signed off in the book. So I go to find the fitter to ask how long the repair will take. I find one of the old boys looking in an inspection hatch, accompanied by a rather new looking apprentice.
"Any idea how long before I can take it out?" I ask.
"Hmmm" says the old boy winking at me. "This one's got a problem with the Automatic Rectifier System Exhust Flaps... could be a while."
He turns to the spotty youth and tells him to go to the depot supervisors office and tell them about the delay.

And that's how many an apprentice fitter was told to report a problem with some A.R.S.E flaps to the boss.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 22:44, Reply)

so...
I was in Portugal this one time...
( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 22:18, 3 replies)

If you work in fast food, know your lemons
I have served my time in Little Chef hell, but I left with the safe knowledge that if you...
slice a lemon in half, shove the wet side onto the ceiling so it sticks, and time it right, you can leave the kitchen just as someone else walks in... only to hear a surprised yelp when it falls onto their stupid paper hat.
OK, it was funnier when I was 15... and hardly evil then.
(thinkthinkthink ... on ..., Fri 14 Dec 2007, 21:49, 1 reply)

Pants up a flagpole
A friend worked in a boarding school as a boarding master. It was his birthday, and another teacher broke into his room via the window and stole a minging pair of boxers, as it was the other guy's birthday the next day.
The next day, at breakfast (with the 100-or-so boarding boys), lots was made of obscure pants-related jokes. Said birthday boy was not switched on. He was rather and completely unaware of the hints coming his way.

Until 11am, when the attached nursery school had started, all the pupils and staff of the school had turned up and the day was two lessons' old - then he was told in no uncertain terms that his pants were up the flagpole, and had been since the previous night. And everyone else in the known world knew and had been having a rum old laugh, including the head teacher.

Length? The caretakers had to take the whole pole down as the doofus mate had forgotten to keep one end of the string near ground level and has just tied the boxers to one end of the string, so the cretakers found out that the pole was 6m 50cm (perhaps less in the cold). It was more embarrasing than evil - and particularly 'old school' (ba-dum-tish, and *gets coat*).
Cheerio.
(thinkthinkthink ... on ..., Fri 14 Dec 2007, 21:44, 1 reply)

Where to begin?
Not limited to me, but some choice memories are...

•Filled a cider bottle with pond water and gave it to a smart-arse girl that hung around with us. She thought it was 'piss weak, I can take this shit all day', then acted pissed after finishing the whole litre bottle. Greedy cow.

•Lived in a flat with shitty pipes, and a mate of mine filled my drinking-water bottle with vodka. Fucker.

•Encouraged this right donkey to crack onto one of my mates one night. And this chick had a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. We called her 'old-man-face'. She proceeded to hound him like stink on shit for the rest of the night. He still shudders when we mention her.

•Put a girls name on my number in a workmates phone and sent him filthy texts while he was out with the missus. She was a right nutcase too, and monitored all his messages and stuff.

•After a big booze night, we started tidying the flat up and a mate decided to throw an apple in the air an smash it with a broken bit of broom shank. Sprayed apple all over an entire wall. Then he went home.

And coming soon...
•I just bought a lifesize skeleton off eBay, and I'm gonna stick it in bed for when the missus gets back from Germany. I'll still be up north then, but I reckon I'll hear her scream.

And all the usual shaving foam, stuff left in beds, sleeping mates hands put in water, dead things thrown through windows, room trashing, work stuff glued to desks, pants pulled down in public shit most dick-headed friends do to each other.
(noswalrm, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 21:34, 1 reply)