German joviality
Back in my college days my class took part in an exchange program with a Garman Technical College and Siemens. We were staying in a nice hostel in Mulheim an der Ruhr, it was surrounded by beautiful woodland, all was peaceful and idyllic....until.

I was sharing a room with two of the chaps from my class but after two days of my snoring they evicted me and I swapped for the single room down the hall. As a bit of a gag I decided to get my own back by doing the usual things: filling shoes with toothpaste, hiding fish behind radiators, setting all of the rooms alarm clocks for 5am and locking them in the bedside cabinet, putting bricks under the matresses, sprinkling crumbs in the pillow cases. The chaps didn't seem best impressed but laughed it off.

A few nights later we were invited out by some of the German ladies from the college. We wen't out, had a few drinks and one of them came back to the hostel with us. By this point I was drunkenly believing that I was about to participate in a gangbang or bukakke party. So in we walked, all very friendly and ready for a few more delicious beverages. The guys suggested that we retire to my room as it was furthest away from other guests and we could be as noisy as we liked. It seemed like a good idea until I reached my door and saw that it was slightly ajar. I hadn't locked it before leaving the hostel. Upon entering I immediately regretted doing so. Every conceivable surface was covered in toilet paper and/or hardcore German pornography. Not only that but the bastards had painstakingly covered the entirity of the floor with incredibly sticky Honey.

I didn't offer an explanation to the lovely German girl. I simply about turned, walked into my former room, sat down, opened a bottle of Schnapps and waited for the inevitable jeering. The lads appeared about 5 minutes later, minus ladyfriend, who had decided upon going home.

They all found it hilarious, but to this day I am sure that they robbed us all of a filthy experience with an amazingly hot German Engineering student. Bastards the lot of 'em!
(fan-dan-go because mutton chops are cool!, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 1:58, 1 reply)

Canoe
After lurking on these boards for years I'm finally going to make my first post.

First prank was done by a schoolfriend's sister (called victoria). She was at a house party and the usual happened when some guy got wasted and fell asleep in an upstairs bedroom. Victoria and her mates decided to take down the guy's jeans, rip his boxers open, spray deepheat around his anus and slide a condom on a broom up his anus. The guy woke up the next day with no recollection of the previous night thinking he had been raped.

Apologies if this has already been mentioned but faking your own death in a canoeing accident and deceiving your whole family, except your wife, by making them think your dead for 5 years is a bit of an evil prank, no?
(ruud, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 0:41, 7 replies)

Cigarette fun
A friend was quite the chimney, he smoked almost constantly. It got so bad we had to ask him to go outside when he smoked as the house was becoming smoggy. After some rather nasty words from him about "stomping on his rights" he went out. We hatched a quick plan to help stop him from being such a rude prick. Luckily he liked to leave his stuff all over and pick it up days or even weeks later. His cigs usually were picked up a lot quicker though.

So we grab a pack and begin our deed. The ol' pinholes in the length trick is used. Another gets a broken prong off a plastic fork wedged in it, packing the tobacco so tightly it can't be lit. A third has all the leaves removed and carefully put back into the pack empty. Yet anopther got a nasal trip and then back in to join the others. The last, a small ladyfinger was placed inside after removing the tobacco and then repacked, covering it up.

Then we waited, trying so hard to not giggle and give up our hand. A few hours later he takes said pack and goes outside. Cursing is heard. More cursing. A bang and a scream.

Ok so maybe that was over the line but he was an arse and since has become nicer.
( kitty minion Babies ate my dingo!, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 0:19, Reply)

Appropriate...

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 19 Dec 2007, 23:49, 2 replies)

I am a cunt
My ex-wife had a really good friend from way back who was on the brink of getting married herself.

For the hen party they had decided to have a lingerie pub-crawl. The general theme was the whole tacky Ann Summers thing.

My ex had ordered a load of stuff from said smut peddlers catalogue, the piste de la resistance being a huge wobbly double-ended dildo.

My best mate (who was visiting at the time) and I had often played pranks on each other....usually ending in each other becoming moderately injured. This time though we worked together....

One drunken night we were going through the collection of filth that the missus had ordered whilst she was away at a works doo. The double-ender appeared, as did some of the hottest scotch bonnet peppers know to man that we had procured from Peckham High Street. We sliced and diced them and rubbed the juice from one grossly phallic end of the dildo to the other and carefully repackaged it.

Cut to 3 days later. The day of the wedding went well. The night of the wedding came and went. My wife received a text that went something like this

"You fucking bitch, where did you get that dildo from? I ended up in A and E with the worst burnt fanny AND arsehole. You ruined everything"

I have never been more amused...or aroused to be honest. My ex-wife never heard a thing from her again.


Length? Just bend it in the middle and jam it up your arse.
( Beejay Proper old bastard, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 22:38, 3 replies)

Pranked
When I was studying at Cumbria University, the campus was infested with mice for a brief period of time.

One of my mates and I decided it would be a laugh to stuff cheese in our other mates ear whilst he slept, and lead the mice to him with a trail of smaller niblets of cheese.

Suffice to say, he woke up with a severely nibbled ear and I had to drive him to hospital the next morning. Turns out the mice had infected him too by pissing down his lug.
(pluckyoswald, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 22:28, 5 replies)

Police
Someone I know in 'the force' relayed a tale to me about what used to happen to the violent drunks that had been banged up for the night.

This was in the days before cctv.

Somwhere in the station hidden away were a pink panther and a rabbit costume.

Once the drunk had fallen asleep 2 officers would don the costume, proceed into the cell and 'teach him a lesson'.

Back then you were usually put before a judge/senior officer before release.

I can see the funny side as hungover person tries to make a complaint about a giant rabbit and the pink panther beating him up in the cell the night before.

Rofl
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 22:10, 2 replies)

not really evil
but a few weeks ago i went into Waterstones. Someone had left a sheet of "signed by the author" stickers on a table, so I swiped it and spent a while sticking them on copies of The Bible, Dickens, Jane Austen etc.
( shavedchimp something something oranges something, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 21:29, 8 replies)

None too evil... but fun at the time
Admittedly, whenever I'm involved in pranks, me and my mates are wankered, making them all the more funny.

Secretly filming a mate while he says things he shouldn't say about his girlfriend. Then posting on you tube for the world to see. Also putting a fairly incriminating picture of said mate onto that "hot or not" website

Alternatively finding clear selotape(sp?) and wrapping a box of fags in the stuff. You have to do it in multiple strips so it doesn't come off in one go. And obviously so that they can't open it.

Better yet, with any kind of tape, wrap the actual fags in tape and then bind them together with more tape.

One of my mates fell asleep with arse hanging out, so I've got photo's of another mate sticking a candle in his arse and lighting it.

But thats about the best of the pranks I've been involved with.
(Rumbug Don't mind me. I'm Procrasturbating., Wed 19 Dec 2007, 21:07, 1 reply)

Not me, but my dad once wrapped up a full size black plastic dustbin for my mums birthday
My dad had obviously thought about this...

It had a necklace cunningly hidden inside an old steel pipe in the bottom and 'No Hot Ashes' written on the lid.. I will always remember that... 'No Hot Ashes', and the nice, carefuly chosen necklace didn't really matter, because before she'd got anywhere near finding it they'd had a massive row which involved her throwing the dustbin lid at his head.

Brought a whole new meaning to the term 'Rubbish Present'
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 19:33, Reply)

nasty.
giving someone a line of ketamine after youv told then its cocaine. imagine expecting a buzz that makes u think your the centre of the universe when instead you get scanner darkly vision and lose the ability to talk.
(Raol Duke, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 18:52, 8 replies)

Sorry for the link
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/kent/7152378.stm

This fits this QOTW perfectly.
(hypnoticme is an anarcho-syndicalist commune, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 18:26, 2 replies)

On a somewhat darker note
The scrapings of nearly 40 different powder related sealy bags, or my "lucky dip" as it was called at the time - there was about half a gram of all these assorted delights stashed for a rainy day.

A friend chased a rather large line of what he believed to be some nice harmless (!) Charles, however as the night wore on it became somewhat widely known that it was more likely to be an about equal mix of MDMA and speed, finding myself that coke is far too expensive and shite and therefore not bothering with it very often.

He was promptly informed of this just after insufflation. Approximately an hour later he was running round the venue (a conservative club) at top whack giving people he had never seen before bone crushing ecstawhizz hugs, including some of the elderly folk who were downstairs, enjoying a nice cold subsidised pint.

He had a cracking night, and nearly pulled a 48 year old woman.

We were 15.
(hypnoticme is an anarcho-syndicalist commune, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 18:20, 9 replies)

Another of my Dad's stories
Just to recap - my Dad is a retired policeman, he's Scots but lives down South.

One morning my Dad had gone into work and was called down to the cells where the custody officer was a fellow Scot.

Apparently a drunk had been brought in overnight and now the custody office decided he was going to teach the drunk a lesson....

My Dad and the CO go to the door of the drunk cell which is open and a very forlorn young man sits on the edge of the 'bed' (they didn't have a bed, it was a step with a mattress on it so if the drunk fell out of bed he wouldn't hurt himself - see, British policemen *are* considerate! Mind you, they would probably thump him later...). So there he sits, head in hands muttering about never drinking again - yep, we've all been there.

He looks up at the two officers, "Where am I?" he asks,
"A long way from home pal" says the CO in a broad Scots accent.
"Eh?" replies confused drunk,
"You're in Glasgow Central"

The drunk denies this and insists that it's impossible for him to have been out drinking in Kent last night but this morning to be nearly 500 miles way in Glasgow, Scotland. He insists that the policeman is having a laugh....

The CO turns to my Dad, "Tell him"
"Glasgow Central pal. How'd you get up here?" answers my Scots father.

The drunk begins to look horrified.
"You're 'avin' a laugh!" he still refuses to believe....

So now the police begin to get really evil....
"Hang on a moment pal."
My Dad disappears into the corridor and finds another uniformed officer...who just happens to be a fellow Scot....."Tell this joker where he is"

The large policeman puts his head around the door, looks slightly quizzically at the drunk and then says, "D'ye no ken y'rin Glasgow Central?"

At this point the drunk began to shake his head and tears appeared in his eyes, "My wife is going to kill me!"

The policemen offered no sympathy with his plight, they were hard even, refusing to agree to his pleas for some sort of help to buy a train ticket, or even allow him a phone call home. Instead they kicked him out of the police station onto the mean streets of Whitstable, Kent.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 18:18, 3 replies)

Once, i was a lead developer on a computer game...
and we made the public wait for 10 years just to get three lousy trailers and a few screenshots.

signed,
G. Broussard.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Wed 19 Dec 2007, 18:14, 6 replies)

I know a drummer and a guitarist
who in times gone by, played in various local bands. There was a certain amount of jovial rivalry between them and this was played out in various pranks that started out by a group of us shovelling freshly fallen snow to cover the back door of the drummers house. 8 feet high and about 4 feet thick at the bottom. His mum, on opening the door, went ape. So to get his own back, George, the drummer involved, took all his broken drumsticks, and 'planted' them in the flowerbed of (Ben*)the guitarist's house, and stuck a head of a freshly killed pheasant on the end of each stick.
Cue the most ugly photograph of Georges face, looking like he had something inserted rather hastily up his bottom, photocopied and plastered all over town. To get his own back, George covered Ben's plastic Pig (Reliant Robin for all the non UK persons here) with Vaseline and then graffittied the whole thing. No damage done the whole lot could be hosed off in a trice, but Ben was mortified when he first saw it.
Now it gets rather dangerous, Ben bought himself about £5 worth of fireworks (yes nearly a year later, and tied them to a bamboo pole, the like that used to come in the centre of a carpet before the long cardboard tube, lit them and placed them near the window of George and his girlfriends bedroom, in a very old pub.

Attempted arson was the charge.

*Name changed as Ben is now a very accomplished guitar technician for some very global Muso's
(lordy lordy, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 18:04, Reply)

Not so much pranks
As a long-term investigation into the placebo effect that I've been conducting for approximately 5 years.

A good 90% of my mates, like myself, get their fun through the consumption of various chemicals. Things I have done include:

Giving out lines of coffee whitener/ baking soda, rolling 3-skinner cigs and passing them round, sorting my mate some Valium which were really paracetamol, same principle as previous but with ecstasy/ flu pills and the piéce de résistance, printing designs onto and then meticulously perforating a piece of A4 sketch paper so that it resembled acid.

The funny thing is, I have yet to receive any complaints, and on several occasions have been congratulated on my procurement of exceedingly fine substances.

I'm a cunt, yes, but there's nothing funnier than seeing your mate's sister "coked out of her mind" on baking soda, and your mate himself tripping the light fantastic with unsprayed blotter.
(hypnoticme is an anarcho-syndicalist commune, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 17:26, 5 replies)

There was the time..
My 80-something granny was going into hospital for a few days. She had been brough there by me, my aunt and my 6 year old cousin.
While my granny was inside being taken care of, the three of us sat in the car. My cousin started asking why she had gone in.
In reality, it was just for a minor ailment, but my aunt told him that she had gone in because she was having a baby.

Cue the pair of us filling the poor child's head with nonsense that he ended up telling the whole school,and ultimately got the piss ripped out of him for.

"My granny's gone in to have a baby"
"She's going to name it Delboy"
"He's 4 foot tall because she ate loads of bananas while pregnant with him for the last month"
"The dad is the golfer Tiger Woods"

Kids can be so cruel.
Adults too.
(Zigmund can't think of anything good., Wed 19 Dec 2007, 17:08, Reply)

A guy I worked with had a cousin in the States
He didn't like this cousin much but when younger he was forced to go with this family to visit their American relatives and ended up hanging out with this guy as they were the same age.

Anyway. At some point he jokingly called his cousin a wanker. His cousin asked what wanker meant and was told some lie about its meaning which made it sound good - told him it was English for 'cool dude' or somesuch.

So....his cousin adopted 'Wanker' as his nickname, getting his friends to call him it and all sorts.

Obviously when my colleague told us this, we didn't believe him. Until he showed us a photo of him standing next to his cousin who was proudly wearing a baseball cap he'd had printed up with the word 'WANKER' across it in bright red letters.
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 16:55, 4 replies)

Teenage pranks
A mate of mine once had a party while his parents were away - usual teenage stuff - and some of us decided it would be fun to hide empty cans across the house. Having hid 11, we dutifully informed him that we'd hidden 12 and went off.

By the end of that Sunday, he'd found all of them and was going mental looking for the twelfth.
(uncle whippity, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 16:54, 2 replies)

Haircut
I knew a guy (We'll call him Jim) who got his friend (Phil) to do his hair while on holidays.
Jim bleached a stripe down the center of his hair. Then Phil cut it down a lot so it looked like a flattened bleached mohawk surrounded by a '1' cut of his black hair.

The next day, he decided to get it all shaved off, citing that he looked stupid.In fairness it wasnt too bad.
What Phil did was legendary.

Basically, he cut the mohawk to match the same thickness of the rest of the hair.
However Phil convieniently left a square of hair about 2 inches in size at the back of his head.
When Jim felt how his head was and inquired about the hairyness at the back, Phil replied with:
"Ah, that feels hairy as it's the dent in the back of your skull. You'll feel more hairs,as more of your finger area is surrounded by hair."

Amazingly Jim went the whole 2 weeks of the holiday with a tuft of bleached blonde hair sticking out of the back of his otherwise relatively hairless head.

Even his cruel family members waited a few days after he got back before telling him.
He wasnt too pleased.



First post by the way.
Hello All.
(Zigmund can't think of anything good., Wed 19 Dec 2007, 16:36, 2 replies)

My mate Dave was at uni
and him and his flatmate were always playing pranks on each other which were getting progressively worse. One day his flatmate came home after an all day drinking session, absolutely fucked. For a laugh he crept into Daves room, opened his wardrobe and proceeded to carefully spew in everyone single one of Daves shoes, right to the brim.
Next morning, Dave woke up to the sound of his flatmate in some distress, for he had in fact, been in his own room and filled his own shoes to the brim with puke. Genius.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 16:00, 2 replies)

Not evil, but hilarious
On holiday with a bunch of young 20-somethings, our diet consisted mainly of beer, pizza and - for breakfast - Pot Noodle.

Harry, the youngest of the bunch, joined a few of us out on the balcony to tuck into his culinary feast, Chicken and Mushroom flavour.

He was strufggling to eat it because it was so hot. In fact, he was struggling to even hold the plastic container.

Harry: Feck. This Pot Noodle's hot.

Millsee: It will be. Did you let the water boil?

Harry: Yeah. Why?

Millsee: It's just that water boils hotter when you're in Spain. It's because the air temperature is higher.

Harry: {pauses, gets suckered in} That makes sense.

Cue the rest of us taking the piss to the extreme for the rest of the week.

He was quite an intelligent lad. A psychiatric nurse now, I think.
(millsee, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 15:42, Reply)

Evil Prank Tag
Basically it started out when we were in halls at Uni and someone (I'll call him Bob) went in and moved all the furniture around in one of the other rooms. I should mention at this point we lived in these old halls and there were between 6 - 8 rooms on a floor all single occupancy.

We thought this was a pretty tame joke so we moved it to the next level and we gaffa taped as much stuff as humanly possible to Bob's ceiling and walls. I think my favourite part of that was getting hoops of tape and then rolling them over all the loose change we could find then making almost a money-tape-bunting. We also managed to make a sock chandelier out of coathangers.

What happened next was prank tag over the remaining 10 weeks of term.

Bob found this highly irritating as he couldn't find things for days so decided to get his own back on us. This time I fell victim to the prank. On hindsight we really should have started locking our doors but as students we didnt think like that. Anyways I came home to find three random cats in my room! As soon as I opened the door two of them ran out but the other was under the bed hissing at me and I spent a good half an hour trying to get it out. I am also highly allergic to cats so was sneezing for the next 4 days. Apparantly these cats belonged to the caretaker of the building and whenever I next saw them they glared at me...

This is War!! I declared and started hatching my evil plan of revenge. Now Bob never locked his door either and lived on the ground floor. The windows were those silly safety ones that open outwards but swing from the top. They normally open about 8 or so inches. However if I unscrewed the brackets I could open them all the way.

Enlisting the help of some of my more evil friends we managed to collect some newspaper and some puce-esq paint that the hallways were painted in. Over the next few days we painted many sheets of newspaper in the lovely puce and waited until we knew he would be out all day. Brilliant he was going to a footie match and then would hit the pubs after. We were all very excited leading up the day, and finally it rolled round.

We went in to his room via the door, locked it from the inside (they were deadbolt types) and then jumped out the window and ran back inside. We then papered over the opening to the door in the puce newspaper and awaited until he got back.

Hiding out in one of my acomplices room who lived just down the corridor we eagily waited.

Well his team had won so he was pretty slaughtered. He wandered into the corridor and made it about halfway to his door when he stopped and looked slightly bemused. We were trying not to laugh too loudly but he heard us and turned round shouting "very funny you blubbering nicompoops! But no match for me!"

At which point he ran at the door, expecting to burst through the paper and open the door which he never locked.... only to bounce off the locked door and end up in a pile on the floor surrounded by puce newspaper. He had a very attracive black eye for a few weeks after that.

We called quits to prank tag.. but I think it was clear I won.

Length? The whole 10 weeks, baby.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 15:03, 1 reply)

Off topic...
Okay so this one isn't really a prank and probably should've gone in the 'best insults' QOTW a while back instead, but I only just remembered it (due to a reference in an earlier post).

I was working in a large office in London, a lowly Staff Writer on a magazine. One of our sales team was this horrifically Sloany bint (we'll call her Patsy, not to protect her identity but because I honestly can't remember her name). She was quite attractive, decent figure, but unlike most of my male colleagues I harboured no romantic designs on her because I was quite aware that I stood more chance of growing a second cock than I did of ever getting into her knickers: I was paid about ten times too little, didn't drive a Porsche and hadn't been to public school. Also, she was a stuck-up, self-obsessed tart who'd drown if you showed her a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool. Not my type.

So while many around me fawned over her, I delighted in taking the piss whenever and wherever the opportunity arose. My crowning moment came at the office Christmas bash, held at a small but very exclusive and expensive restaurant in Knightsbridge.

A bunch of us were already there and drinking when Patsy waltzed in, having gone home to change into something more suitable for the evening. She was wearing a full-length coat, made of some sort of white fur-effect material. She came straight over to us, did a twirl, and asked,

"Hello, do you like my new coat? It's Armani."

Now, I know nothng whatsoever about fashion. But it so happened that the evening before I'd seen an episode of Absolutely Fabulous and for some reason a line of dialogue had stuck with me. So, not really knowing what it meant (or even if was true) but just that it was some sort of insult, I replied,

"Yeah, but only Emporio."

(apparently it's a cheaper Armani brand...whatever). She deflated visibly for a heartbeat, then tried again,

"But darling, look at it, isn't it gorgeous?"

"No," I replied, "it makes you look like a tampon."

Oddly enough, she avoided me for the rest of the evening.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 14:55, 3 replies)

Student glue
Just remembered another one from back teh day.

We caused a lad who lives over the road from my mum n dad to have a breakdown...


By spraymounting him to a chair.....didnt really stick him down enough, just made him tacky and mildly tadpole spunk like (it was two cans worth)

To rectify this and ensure the breakdown, we got plastic sheeting/tube and chucked that over him then, using a handy big blowtorch, shirinkwrapped him gently to the chair, the desk and the floor.

Never wind up an art student! ;-0

Ps he had a proper schoolyard 'eppy' tee hee
(markov1723 Annoying Bavarians since, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 14:28, 3 replies)

(rsoles reminded me of this) My housemates
in my second year of uni were three girls and three boys, and for the first time in my entire life (no, really) we had Sky. After about a week, the boys knew exactly when all the freeviews on the pr0n channels were, and so it wasn't uncommon for us girls to be innocently watching Friends or America's Next Top Model or something to be confronted with

"This programme is about to start:
10.05 The Ten Minute Freeview
Playboy Channel".

We also had freeviews on Gay TV, and it was from this that one of my housemates came up with the greatest prank known to man.

A week later, our TA-member, love rat (and very, very straight - I once walked in on him watching grot on his laptop and the experience has stayed with me) housemate Kiran gets a letter from Gay TV thanking him for his subscription and asking him to verify his details by calling an 0900 number. Kiran, in spite of being an extremely bright maths student, falls for this hook line and sinker for about three weeks, when he was considering legal action for ID theft. I've never heard someone called a cranberry (in noun, verb and adjective forms) so many times in my life.

Also around this time I came home to find most of my housemates sitting on the stairs, coating unused tampons in fake blood to stick to another housemate's door. I think only dogs heard Rich scream that day.
( Maladicta, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 14:19, 1 reply)

Porno Star
One of the youths employed by the firm next door, had withstood the shock of "discovering" he was going to be bum-raped by his bosses, and was sticking the job out well.

One day he appeared in my doorway, Daily Sport in hand. It was at a time that someone was trying to organise a 500 man world record gangbang, and there was a premium rate phone number that you had to ring to get on the list of participants.

The youth was full of it,he would do it, he wasn't scared, he'd shagged loads of women.
Okey dokey skip, in that case, I'll get your name on the list.
I told him I'd ring the number later, even though he didn't believe I would do it, he suspected it might be a premium rate scam (a sharp one, him).

Several days later he got a letter from the organiser of the gangbang, thanking him for his application, which had been accepted. The company in charge of the filming of the event would be despatching some reps to see how he "measured up", and get him to sign some forms.
They were particularly pleased that he had agreed to some bi action, they were hoping to do a separate DVD for the Bi-male market.
He was going to be a porno star!!!

Now, the letter had been addressed to "Mr K". Luckily, he had opened it, but as he was still living at home, Mr K was also his Dad.
The youth came to see me in tears, he didn't know what to do, what happened if he was out and these reps turned up with a tape measure and his Dad opened the door to them?
What would his Mum say? And what was all this about bi action? He wasn't bi, his parents were going to kill him/throw him out/confiscate his X-box.

Sorry sunshine, you wanted me to get you on the list, I got you on the list. It cost me £50 in premium rate calls, but I stuck it out, now you have to keep your end of the bargain.

Except I hadn't. I had made the letter up and gave it to someone travelling to Liverpool to post and get a distant postmark on it. The poor kid was crapping himself for weeks every time the doorbell rang, in case it was his screen test.
(Rsoles, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 13:54, 2 replies)

Once upon a time...
Possibly a pearoast, but it makes me giggle every time I think about it.

After a long boozy weekend with some mates, we were having a medicinal Sunday lunchtime pint in some pub. Over in the corner a middle aged chap was having a quiet drink, reading his paper. He closes his newspaper, folds it up on the table and off he wanders to the toilet.

Quick as a flash (Kev?) runs over, opens the paper up, drops his trousers and squeezes out a fresh log into the paper, folds it back, replaces it and wanders back to where we're all sitting open mouthed...

Couple of minutes later, this chap comes back to his table, has a swallow of beer, picks up his paper...and stares in horror as a fresh turd slips onto his lap...

Length? no way was I getting close enough to check.
( snee held his breath since, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 13:52, 4 replies)