backfired
this is slightly off topic but it does involve pranks.

O.k i have worked for a mobile phone retailer for about 3 years now. My team are a mixed group aging between 19 and 37 and to keep us entertained and away from hoards of zombie like british public we started to regularly play pranks on each other, all ranging from the simple (changing mobile numbers in their mobile's such as replacing mum with girlfriend - great prank itself) to the more elaborate.
However the one that stuck and was repeated over and over again like some kind of groundhog day loop was the simple 'Boo! game'.

the rules of the game were simple - to hide at any given opportunity and jump out screaming BOOO! as loud as possible while occasionally recording the event on video to later show to everyone else.

anyway on the day this tale relates too a collegue of mine had gone up the stairs to send a fax or take a dump or something and i took the chance to play our popular game, i crouched down(better scare) at the corner behind the stairs sniggering like a school girl when i hear the footsteps coming down the stairs.

I leap out and scream "BOOOOOOOAAAAHHHHRRRGGHHH!!!"

sounds all innocent enough the only problem being my area manager had came in unknown to me and it was he i leaped at like some murderous ninja.....how i managed to talk my way out of that i'll never know!
(meh! bored since, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 0:22, Reply)

James Blunt related torture.
Sadly I wasn't the pranker for this one, I was the victim. It's well known at work just how much I hate James Blunt, he brings tears to my eyes and often enduces screaming.

This time of year people bring in christmas CDs for security to play on the speakers downstairs. Someone decided it would be hilarious to tell them to play James Blunt just to torture me.

I recognised the familiar whining and my eyes widened in horror. "Who put this on?" Denials and sniggering. Suddenly a friend appeared and said "I told him to play the whole album!" and ran off laughing.

I lost it. I screamed, threatened to walk out, kill everyone then myself and started shaking. People sang along and said "WHATS THE MATTER? DON'T YOU LIKE OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT? HAHA!"

It was half an hour before work ended and I knew I'd have to listen to this bollocks until the end of the shift. I burst into tears and entered a semi-catatonic state, rocking back and forth in my chair, twitching occasionally.

It was then someone decided the prank had gone too far and told them to turn it off but the damage was done. I'd listened to 3 James Blunt songs against my will.

I'll get those bastards back somehow. I'll eat their pets and paint rude words all over their windscreens. Someday I will have my revenge....

Length...Any James Blunt song that lasts over 1 second is too damn long.
(chakaflange, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 23:56, 3 replies)

Ah the memories of McDonalds
Back in the days of college and after leaving college I worked for the dreaded golden arches. As you can Imagine we had some real spacko's working there over the years there is one that always comes to mind and I will name him Dean for 'twas his name.

Now Dean was a likeable enough chap but the phrase 'not quite all there' must have been penned by someone after they met this guy, to say he was gullible would be an understatement.

The store we worked in was in a big shopping mall (Lakeside for those in England) and had some really evil managers, the ringleader of which was an ex-Army guy called Richard (for yes 'twas his name) the first thing that Rich had Dean doing was scrubbing the white lines in the road next to the 'restaurant' including the pedestrian crossing as we were having a visit, not with a mop, oh no but with bucket, brush and on hands and knee's. For TWO hours he did this 'til someone called him back inside.

Now as Evil as that was (and yes much merriment was made from this) it did not compare to the genius of sending Dean to go and get some milkshake mix as we were running low. Not so smart you think until you realise we sent him to our mortal enemies Burger King. Now this was funny as he happily trotted upstairs and asked for some shakemix only to be laughed out of the store. What was absolutely hilarious was the poor sap was asked to go up there a week later for the same reason and he STILL WENT.

Suffice to say he didn't last too much longer there.

As for length well that depends on if you want a medium or a large 'shake
(He of the Avenged Nipple, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 23:43, Reply)

I dumped
my (ex) girlfriend on April fools day once, oh how she cried
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 23:38, Reply)

Studenty silliness
Not my prank unfortunately, but my housemates brother was at university at Cardiff, and his housemate went home for the weekend.
Now, as many of you will know being/having been fellow studenty types, this is just screaming for something to be done to the room. You get your standard turn things upside down, or steal all the furniture, or put condoms around as many objects as possible (happened to me, my pillow smelled of spermicide for days, not happy). However, they decided to go one step further.

Step one: Remove all furniture, carpets, the lot, so you have 4 walls, a floor and a ceiling.

Step two: Go to a local surfacing/landscaping company, and purchase a few square metres of turf

Stef three: Lay the turf in previously emptied room.

Step four: Being farmy types, and I think one of the pranksters was a vet student, acquire a goat.

Step five: Add the goat to the room, and voila! Farming on a mini scale!

Apparently when the guy got back he opened his door, and practically shat his guts from laughing so hard. Nice to see someone appreciating heroic effort for a few minutes of hilarity.
(Dovvit bee, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 23:28, 2 replies)

Wize has just reminded me
In my DSS monkey days, one of the staff (Liz) was transferring to another office. Liz worked on reception and some of the team decided to have a little fun...

"Liz, there's a Mr Hunt wanting a private interview, can you call him please"?

Liz: "Mr Hunt to interview room 2 please. Warwick Hunt".

Or:

"Would Mr Jardon come to reception please. Hugh Jardon".

Etc.

Lovely woman, though, I still bump into her from time to time.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 23:24, Reply)

NAUGHTY SCHOOL GIRL

There was a running "prank" feud with a Labour councillor "pal" of mine. It got nasty at one point he sent away for a pair of dirty (and I mean soiled) knickers to be sent to my home under my name and another time I arranged for 100 locusts to be sent to his house (which not believing the "live insects" sticker on the outside of the package designed to be sent to lizard feeders, he opened on the living room carpet for his mother to go crazy about. And yes he was a Labour councillor AND still lived with his mother.)

Anyhow one day in the Council offices I noticed what they did with all official's mail was to leave them on a table in the Councillors' lounge for the recipient to collect. I also knew that at that time the Post Office when they could not deliver maladdressed letters simply opened them up and put the letter in a transparent bag so that the sender's address could be read and the bag and letter returned from whence it came. Usually the letter and contents could easily be read in that state.

So putting those two things together I simply concocted a fake letter from my Councillor using his official address and sent it to a made-up company "Transformations" which was in a made up and clearly wrong address in Bolton. Sent it off and waited for the postal magic to work.

And work it did: the clearly readable letter returned to Councillor M...... was put on the table top for all his friends and foes to read. It was pleasing to note on the day it arrived he was apparently late for work so everyone else could have a good read - especially once word got around what it said.

Here was the letter:

"Dear Transformations,

I saw your advert for "be a girl for a day" in TS magazine.

I would very much like details of your service, the price and exactly what sort of offers you can make.

I am particularly interested in your 'school-girl' fantasy dressing up session where I can play age-games and be scolded by the headmistress.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours sincerely

Councillor M....."

I am amazed it didn't make the News of the World. Apparently even some guys working on the bin lorries came in to have a nose at the letter after their boss told them about it. He's still a councillor now strangely enough but the electorate is much more forgiving in these modern times.

Length? .... about 80 words of nasty revenge and I'm proud of it to this day.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 23:09, Reply)

Tale from offshore 2
Tannoys are good fun, especially when you get someone else to make the announcement.

One one oilrig, there was a secretary who made the announcements.
They had warned her about the usual prank messages. All the dirty ones and some of the more fun ones like:
"Matt Black report to the painter's shack"
"Ted Rogers call 321"
"Alan Keys report to the mechanical workshop"
"Sean DaLear call the electrical workshop"

So, no one could get any past her. So...

There was a rather posh sounding chap who was always up for a laugh. We got a hard hat and wrote the name "Isaac Dick" on the front (as many do with their name). He went to the secretary to complain that he was expecting a tannoy and they weren't being put out.
A short while later she announced "Isaac Dick call 169"
(Wize, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 23:07, Reply)

College pranks, part 3.
Back when I was fresh from high school, age 18, I attended a small college in Upstate New York out in the middle of nowhere between Syracuse and Utica. As this was in the very early 1980s, the drinking age there was still 18- and as this was the middle of nowhere, there was little else to do.

I lived in a dormitory that had guys on the first floor, girls on the second, guys on the third and girls on the fourth. Upstairs from me was a rather thick blonde girl named Kathy. She was something of a partier, but somehow managed to stay in school anyway.

It was the end of the spring semester and I was in the laundry room doing my wash when Kathy came in to do hers as well. After loading the machine she sat on the other end of the bench frowning into space for a moment, then announced to me, "You know, it's strange what you learn at the end of the year."

"Like what?"

"Like the things you did when you were drunk. I sometimes black out, and some of the girls have been telling me about things I did that I don't even remember."

I gave her a look of shock and horror. "Waitaminute... Kathy... you mean you don't remember... us?"

Her head snapped around. "WHAT?!?"

I shook my head with a sickly expression on my face. "Oh god, that explains it. I thought you just didn't like me and that's why you weren't talking to me. I've laid awake at night wondering why you didn't give me another chance, as you were really into it at the time..." I stood up. "I need to go for a walk." And I left her there with her jaw hanging.

I made it upstairs before I cracked up. Cindy was in the lounge at the time and gave me an odd look. "What's so funny?"

I explained it to her, and her eyes got bigger and bigger. "How long should I let her go for?" I asked.

"Oh, at least a few days..."

So I got my laundry (Kathy was gone by then) and took it to my room, selected some clothes and went to my girlfriend's for the weekend.

Apparently late in the weekend Cindy finally broke down and told her, and the screaming and pounding on my door was of legendary proportions...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 23:04, 2 replies)

Sickshake
My brother once bought a macdonalds happy meal and it came with this plastic milkshake cup that you couldn't see through, it had a dinosaur on the side i think.

At school that day, we both kept telling his best mate Chris about this 'amazing milkshake' we had at home and that he HAD to come round tonight and try it, it was going to blow his mind.

Chris, being the worlds most gulliable boy was foaming at the mouth in anticipation.

When we got back home before Chris arrived, we both pissed in the cup, filled it with chilli powder, marmite, dog shit from the garden, cat litter (used) a bit of the macdonalds milkshake and a bit of spit for good measure.

When poor Chris got there he was so excited that he just took the biggest gulp of this evil drink and after about 3 seconds he then puked everywhere, it just kept coming, all over my mums new kitchen and floor, getting in places that were very hard to clean out. So i geuss he kind of had the last laugh knowing we had to scrub his puke.

We were so cruel as kids.
( Terry Nutkins, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 23:02, Reply)

Tale from offshore
New starts on oilrigs are usually the butt of jokes. This poor chap was no exception. First night on the rig, he was climbing up the ladder to his bunk when his bunkmate (an old hand at the offshore game) starts to put on his survival suit.

The new guy asks what he is doing.
"You can never be too careful" he replies while sticking on life vest. He climbed into his bunk and closed the curtain across it.

As the new guy was pulling on his survival suit, the old hand was quietly taking his off to stow at the end of his bunk.

The poor guy got up the next day with a stiff neck, mild dehydration and hardly any sleep from tossing and turning all night.
(Wize, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 23:00, Reply)

MacDonald's
Wish I'd never worked there, as frankly the job was beneath me, but I digress. Sending new starters for ice mix was always fun... or if someone was really dumb, convincing them that the buttons for the fire suppressant system were actually intercoms to the freezer was always good. However, one person thought you had to pull on them, and set off the fire system, closing the restaurant down for the best part of a day. Whoops...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 22:56, 1 reply)

A friend of mine
once had a competition with his flatmate. The competition was to poo into the other person's belongings. There wasn't much more to it than that, but it got a bit out of hand.

One night, my mate has brought a lady back home and is getting down to business when he hears something move in the corner of his room. He switches on the lights and discovers his flatmate squatting over his underpants drawer.

The next morning, he decides on a plan of action for revenge.

He gets the margarine out of the fridge, sticks it in the microwave to melt it, pours the marge into a jug, then takes a big dump in the bottom of the container. He then pours the margarine back on top and puts it back in the fridge.

I think the most disturbing part was that when I was being told the story by the flatmate, he told it in a "what an awesome trick" tone of voice rather than a "I think I ate his shit" tone of voice.

Rugby players, hmmm.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 22:56, 4 replies)

Not the most evil, but very satisfying
At the last office I worked in, there was a paging system that could be accessed from any phone to make an announcement to the whole building. The "All Page" access code was 799.

Any time a new person would come in, we would do an "All Page" to the whole building saying, "New Person, please call 799. New person, 799."

Within seconds, we would inevitably hear the nervous, questioning reply of New Person echoing through the halls, "Hello? Hello? Uh... this is New Person? Hello?"

Got 'em every time.

_{Except for the girl co-worker who thought it was "mean" and would intercept our efforts. NOT COOL.}
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 22:43, Reply)

Well, it's not the most evil...
...but one of my more successful pranks.

So there I was, working as a Graphic Designer, in a fairly up-beat environment. One of the guys, for this QOTW I shall call him Mark, for that was indeed his name, I was working with was never regarded as ever being lucky (there are many a story, but those shall be left for another QOTW), and sometimes, perhaps just a little gullible. Anyway, he was away one day, so I decided to play a prank. A simple prank - nothing too offensive, something that would last ten minutes over the next day would do.

The plan was this, to remove all the program icons from the dock on his Mac, replace them with Aliases (shortcuts for the PC folk) that all went to different programs, e.g., his Photoshop icon now opened the dashboard, and so on and so forth. For the tech-aware, yes, it did leave little arrows on them, but Mark would never notice (he really didn't).

The following day he was back. For about 1 hour he kept to himself, clicking away, grumbling, and slowly getting more frustrated. My boss started to notice something was up, and asked him. He proceeded to explain how his Mac was broken and he couldn't get anything to work. Cue me frantically typing an email to the boss to explain what was actually going on. To my surprise, she mailed me back with "that is brilliant! Watch this". She then let the IT department in on the jape, and then promptly told Mark to get them to help. It was sometime after lunch, after IT had given him the complete run-around, that we all came clean.

All he did was shout "BASTARDS!" very loud.
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 22:42, Reply)

I tied my brother to his bed and stuck a load of apple labels to his cock.

( Bob Todd whee, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 22:29, 4 replies)

4 years of lurking...
and finally a question that I have an answer to.

Way back in the shadowy mists of time when I was leaving school. (1982 if anyone is interested) there was a lad in my year who had not missed a single day in the whole 5 years we had been there. On the very last day of term he was to be presented with a special award.

So being the nice kind chaps we were we met him on his way to school, tied him to a lampost and left him there.

We fessed up later in the day and the school still gave him his special award.

A book token.

pop! etc.
(MadBouncyDog Barking at the moon since, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 22:22, 2 replies)

It started in School.
I was ill, I knew it was mumps. It had been going around the year and my hamster cheeks were a bit of a give away. I looked like a Bo Selecta character.

We were picking on the class geek (we were all actually geeks but he was the worst) and it got a little bit nasty, I may have coughed directly at him knowing I was infectious.

Cue a week later i'm back into school but Ste (as he shall be known, for 'tis his name) was off. Turns out he's off for the next three weeks. He'd contracted mumps. Really nasty mumps. The sort that can cause long term fertility damage. He'd been in hospital having the sperm tests.

I felt a bit shit that I nearly cost this guy his bollocks. Bit of karma though, a while later I got shingles, just before my A-level exams so I guess he got the last laugh.
( rjmrjm, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 22:04, 3 replies)

Office prank
When I decided I was fed up with my summer job and probably wasn't going to work there when I finished uni I instigated a couple of office pranks although only 1 could be described as vaguely evil:

I was working for a large contractor who mostly repaired broken pipes and laid some new ones so lots of digging up of roads was involved. By coincidence there was a road which required a small bit of pipe to be replaced where lots of new ones were also going to be laid so being good one department of the company did the others' work and then drew up an invoice to give to the other department.
What should've been about £500 of work got charged as more like £50,000 (although this later turned out to be an accounting typo).

Anyone who's been involved in digging up roads will know that theres a lot of paperwork involved mainly so if your bit of tarmac falls to bits the council can send a 'defect notice' and make you go back and fix it. We decided to make up one such notice and send it to the other department for the work they had just done and describe it as dangerous (i.e. needs to be made safe within 2 hours). About 10 minutes of playing around in word and hey presto we had a very official looking bit of paper which we faxed to the other fax machine about 10m away.
An hour later the other department's boss came in asking if we knew anything about it which we all denied so he phoned up some people to send them out to sort it out ASAP.
It was only after he put the phone down and everyone else was sniggering that someone let on and we had to tell him 3 times before it sunk in.
He quietly walked off red faced and he didn't bother us again for a couple of weeks.
( thistle, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 21:59, Reply)

I was only a lass.
We were on a lovely sunny family walk in the country. It wasn't exactly a path, so we took a shortcut through a field of rather tall crops. I was about a foot shorter than the plants, (which were very densely planted so we had to wriggle our way though.

Family prattle on about crop circles and the likes (aliens were very scary at that age) so I became rather nervous as my only means of direction was following the sounds of their voices.
All goes quiet. I get scared and start whimpering to myself.
After a few minutes all three family members jump out from different angles, shouting at the top of their voice.
I go pale and clammy, and curl up in a foetal ball and need to be carried home.


Bastard family.
(CakeCat, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 21:58, Reply)

Work pranks, Part 3.
Not me, told by a friend.

My friend worked in a nursing home- she was a nursing student- and the nursing students all had to do their practical there, so there was a steady influx of new girls to pull pranks on.

One girl was asked to take an old man downstairs to the morgue as he had died in his sleep the night before. Needless to say, she was a bit jumpy- but she did as she was told and wheeled the gurney into the elevator.

Now, no one had thought fit to mention to her to strap the body down, and not long after death rigor mortis sets in. As certain sets of muscles tend to be stronger than others, interesting things can happen. In particular, the abdominal muscles are stronger than the lower back muscles.

Part of the way down the elevator it hit, and the abdominal muscles tightened. As the girl stood in the elevator with this dead man, he began to slowly sit up.

When she reached the bottom she bolted for the stairs and never came back.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 21:54, Reply)

Me old man
Whenever my dad used to give me a lift from somewhere and my mates were watching he'd wait until i had my hand near the door handle and drive forward a few metres. This would be repeated for awhile and more often than not he'd have me running around in circles, looking like a prat and my mates laughing their arses off...wanker. ah well i see the funny side now.

tara
(apo-dap, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 21:18, Reply)

Nothing particularly evil...
I'm not much of a prankster but permenant marker moustache and drunken friends or siblings make for some quality entertainment.
(Mr G to you , Fathead, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 21:10, 1 reply)

Evil house party wrongdoings
A couple of years ago, on a regular excursion back to the UK from Poland i was catching up with a couple of mates round at my flat. All was well and chilled but a neighbour in the flat next to mine and up a level (actually on a corner) was having a rather loud party.; Shitty pop tastic music playing all nite, girls screaming etc.

This doesn't bother us cos it was still too early for bed. One of my friends, who is notorius for playing pranks and lives in the another flat in the same block decides that we should have some fun with this other lot at the party. This happened in various stages:

1) Because the balcony for the other flat is diagonally above my kitchen window, not very much of the kitchen is actually visible. So firstly on when the cd player at the window full blast. Firstly Ramstein and various other rediculously loud rock and when that failed to shift them my friend nips upstairs and fetches so Carter the incredible sex machine from his student days. This resulted in all the girls storming off inside to continue to listen to Shitney Spears. However, a couple of the lads at the party obviousle liked the tunes an hung around.

2) I decided we could go one better. Fetching my 65 watt guitar amp and plugging in, it was placed on the window sill (again still hidden from view) cranked up to full and I left the kitchen (closing the door) and proceeded to shred like a mutha fucka! Cue Waynes World esq noise and I stopped just in time to hear another neighbour yelling from across the way 'turn that fucking racket down!!' whilst the grils from the party feebly protested their innocence.

3) It gets worse. We followed this by sneaking outside and howling like wolves form the shadows until the same angry neighbour yelled at them again (we were well hidden, couldn't see us).

4) The Coup de grace! We worked out the number of the flat the party was in and ordered a shit load of food from a take away to be delivered including: 6 pizzas, 4 kebabs, 10 portions of fries, a curry and 12 cans of cola. This was ordered from a phone box up the road and we raced back in time to watch a rather irate pizza guy leaving with a shit load of food. We then proceeded to go back to the phone box and ring to see why our food hadn't been delivered yet! Double trick! Felt a little guilty, but thats the price for playing loud shitty music when there is a mischeivious pair of a teacher and a surgeon living next door!

How long? The guitar cable was at least 20 foot!
(Polish bstard, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 21:03, Reply)

Well
Me and my friend discovered if you sent complaint letters to companies they are 90% likely to send you some vouchers.

Well one day at school we started typing up loads of emails to send to various companies and get free vouchers.

My friend chose brands all under the same company "Masterfoods" and I said, well they will be suspicious getting emails from the same person. And he got a bit anxious.

Later on, when i got home, I found an anonymous email program, and sent my friend a very formal and important sounding letter stating that he will be prosecuted under the "fraudulent claims act 1992" and will be in contact to arrange court dates.

Anyway he said he was close to tears and really scared about going to court and this is the most scared hes ever been.

The look on his face when I told him I did it.
(Kierz, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 21:02, 1 reply)

Scaring juniors was fun....
Many years ago, when big offices still had juniors (school-leavers who got stuck with all the worst jobs, badly paid and treated like scum - I was one and I'm not bitter!) they were the easiest of targets.

We had a particularly gullible wee lassie, very intelligent but absolutely no common sense. She may as well have had a bulls-eye on her back!

We told her repeatedly about the "haunted" sub-basement and how the faint clicking of a long-dead secretary's stiletto heels could be heard to this day. Always at the same time - 3:45pm. How the poor girl had killed herself after her boss ended their affair. How you could hear her breathing, sounding on the verge of a good sob! Always at the same time - 3:45pm. We emphasised that time over and over.

Then we left it alone for a few days. Let the story slip her mind just a wee bit. Let her relax.

Then one of the girls took her down to the sub-basement to do some filing, showed her the cabinet to put the files in, casually mentioned that it was twenty to four, she should be finished long before five o'clock (no flexi-time for juniors). And left her alone.

The rest of us gathered quietly at the bottom of the back stairs and waited. For five minutes. Til the caretaker took his little dog out for its daily walk. They came down in the lift, and headed out for the back lane. Now the caretaker wore rubber soled shoes and walked very softly. The wee dog had slightly overgrown claws which made a nice clicky noise on the concrete, and was a bit overweight. So it panted.

From where she was filing, she couldn't see the lift, which didn't "ping" to announce its presence, and the corridor was just out of her line of sight.

Sure enough, at almost exactly 3:45pm, man and dog mosied on past poor quivering junior, who could hear them, but not see them.

Seconds later, she shot past us without even noticing we were there. The noise she was making was primeval, and made the hairs on our arms stand up! We caught her up in the ladies toilets, and when the hysteria had subsided a bit, told her what had actually happened.

I swear I saw a little bit of her innocence die that day. She stayed for another year, but barely spoke to any of us ever again. The baleful, accusing glances eventually made even the strongest of us feel guilty, and no more juniors were ever subjected to this prank. So you could say she won in the end.....
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 20:58, Reply)

good times...
when i was a nipper n my brother was very young i gave him a ball of white wool (we had a white cat at the time) and asked him in a very sad voice "oooooo nooo what have you done to peggy" (peggy was the cats name) and it properly freaked him out hahahahah!!! im a bad person
(kristofski6992, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 20:53, 7 replies)

Picture the scene...
There's a girl you like. Big time. You adore her. She's perfect. And she's single. You flirt a little, but it goes nowhere. She's wary of being hurt or messed around.

My friend Tom was that guy. And after nearly a year of groundwork and being turned down times beyond number, the girl, the perfect girl, finally agrees to go out on a date.

Tom is beside himself. 'I'll take her to the finest restaurant in town. The new Thai one - it'll be perfect. For weeks, he rants and raves, gushes and giggles. Tom is on cloud nine.

We're all rooting for Tom. As D-Day approaches, we slap him on the back, ease his nerves and wish him well.

On the night itself, most of us have forgotten, or merely pushed it to the back of our minds.

Not Alan. Oh, no. Alan's car turns up outside everyone's house at 8PM, beeping like a maniac. What's going on?

Ten minutes later the answer is clear - we're parked opposite the new Thai place. And look, just inside is Tom, the perfect gentleman, the happiest man in the world.

Al begs silence. Al's phone appears. A number is dialed. Not a whisper is heard.

"Hello, Thai Kingom?"

"Good evening, this is doctor Wilkinson of Grantham Hospital - could you please pass on a message to a gentleman I believe is dining with you tonight? A Mr Thomas Lastname? Yes, please, could you tell him that his wife has just gone into labour? Thank you. Good evening."

The helpful manager strolls over to the table. We lip read. Word for word, the message is relayed. The girl stands up. Slaps him. Leaves. He runs after her. A few steps outside he pauses, then stops.

He sees our car. He sees his friends in stitches. He clicks. He screams. He runs towards the car, profanities flying. Five people are laughing so hard that they are in danger of having a cardiac arrest. The car lurches away.

We avoid Tom for three weeks....
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 20:42, 10 replies)