Stupidity
In my younger days I had a penchant for explosives. With the help of my father I made black powder at the ripe old age of about six, and home made fireworks a year later (once I had discovered how to make the sparkles and different colours) for bonfire night.

All of these were your standard light the paper and retire type of explosives.

Flash forward about 6 years or so I had found the joys of electrickery, and many fine things were burnt/melted/otherwise destroyed by the application of 240V AC.

I then got the idea that I could use this to set off my home made explosives, smart one I thought, I can run my cable from a DC convertor through a piece of fusewire and set them off like that, no running away because they will already be at minimum safe distance.

So I made a quantity of black powder compressed it into a small bubble type fishing float with my wires running out of two holes I had made in it for just that purpose. I retire to the back door of the house and turn on the convertor.

Nothing, no satisfying bang, nothing at all. I wander back to my bomb, pick it up and BOOOOOMMMMMM the thing goes up in my hand! Luckily I sustained no more damage than a burn and a few cuts, I was deaf for a while though.

Did this teach me anything? Yes, make sure your connections are tight before turning on the power and blowing things up

Length – about 10 feet and about 2oz of black powder.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:31, Reply)

I'm sure many can relate...
I've experimented several times with trying to "hit the wall" i.e. see how many times I can have a wank in a day.

The annoying thing is I always know it'll end the same way, with me panting after managing a paltry one (two at a stretch) and thinking to myself "You disgusting bastard. I'll never wank again," as a familiar sense of self loathing creeps up on me.


*sigh*
(Tip-Top Tomcat but you can call me Tommo, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:29, 18 replies)

Fires + Deodorant
The message on the back of the can says "Do not expose to fire"

My 11 year old mind inteprets this to hiding the can as you spray it on the flames, the contents can't do damage outside the pressurised container, right?

Singed eyebrows and mongy dancing around the fire ensued.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:29, Reply)

Duke of Edinburgh
Tents had been set up, spliffs had been consumed, I had run out of vodka. What other alcohol might be available on a camping trip?

That's right, meths.

Seeing as meths is undrinkable neat, I combined it with the most logical mixer.

Custard.

Such was my alcoholism in the day, I actually managed a whole bowl of meths custard.

Don't do it kids.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:26, 12 replies)

Explosions in the pool
During the school holidays it became a bit passé to merely use our to time to watch tv and throw tennis balls at the dog while it attempted to poo on the lawn. No, we were warriors on a quest and we need to blow things up to quench our bloodthirsty desires. A short trip to the shop and a relatively painless exchange of cash and we were now the proud owners of a box of crackers - mini sticks of dynamite if you will.

Obtaining the crackers was the easy bit, but challenging yourself to use them imaginatively was proving more difficult. We blew up flowers, bits of fruit, threw them at the dog while he poo'ed (In later years I realised we may have traumatised him somewhat during our school holidays) however the biggest challenge yet was posed by our swimming pool. It became apparent that you would need a mixture of both skill and courage to make the cracker hit the water at the exact moment it exploded and cause a perfect little crater of water to form around it. Too soon and the fuse would go out. Too late and it was a worthless explosion above the surface. Courage was required because you needed to hold it in your fingers for just long enough to allow the fuse to burn and then let go to time its trajectory to the water to perfection. This took a few burnt fingers to get right, but over time our accuracy improved.

Accuracy, however, wasn't the only thing that increased. Our neighbours rage was also on the up. He was semi-retired man who obviously wasn't in the school of thought that if you weren't happy with something you should nip it in the bud. He must have been steadily stewing in his own rage for much of the afternoon over our noisy antics. So much so that by the time he near enough collapsed our fence to confront us he was an incomprehensible mumbling wreck who we surmised wasn't happy. I do recall the words 'belt' and 'arse' being used as he recklessly whipped his large leather belt against the nearby wall.

A short one-to-one with my brain later and the conclusion was reached that perhaps we should curtail the afternoons activities by the pool. Did we feel defeated? Hell no! So my brother and I retired to the toilet inside to continue our nobel prize winning experiment.

Fortunately by the time my mom arrived home the smell of gun powder that had earlier pervaded the entire house had gone. It was a little harder than I anticipated to convince her that the toilet had 'just cracked' when my brother had sat on it, but I think we just about got away with it by removing all evidence of the explosions inside the toilet.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:24, 3 replies)

57 varieties
I had sexual intercourse with a tall glass of Heinz baked beans in an attempt to simulate the sensation of a lady's nether parts. I was 14.

The attempt involved standing on my head and jabbing my urgent young tool into the beans, which were cold - even at that age I was aware of health & safety considerations. The sensation was curiously like jabbing one's tool into a glass of cold beans, but I managed to climax all the same.

In later life, obviously, I realised that baked beans were not remotely suitable. Although, to this day, I cannot have sex with my wife without having two slices of toast and some HP next to the bed.

[thanks to Pavlov's Frog for allowing me to contravene company policy and use this site, putting my job in jeopardy.]
(frankspencer, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:16, 20 replies)

I decided to find out....
...how long I could get away with writing my real thoughts in all work e-mails, and then turning the abusive text to a white font.

It only shows up if someone highlights the text.

Answer: not long enough. Experiment not since repeated.
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:11, 5 replies)

ho hum
I can fit 8 5p pieces in my belly button.

which is slightly better than the EMF "how many 1p pieces can you fit under your foreskin" experiment
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:11, Reply)

Shaving
At the age of five I used to watch in awe as my dad shaved at the bathroom mirror. By the age of six thought it was high time I should begin to shave and took it upon myself to secretly experiment.

Unfortunately I quickly realised I hadn't been watching my dear dad closely enough as I proceeded to lacerate my cheeks and the bit above my upper lip. Weirdly it didn't hurt until I stood on a box and looked in the mirror. To this day I have small scars where hair won't grow on my face because of that bloody experiment.
(Errorist, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:10, Reply)

vodka custard!
... is not as exciting as you may think.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:09, 4 replies)

Solar Cooker: Budget Edition
I have a penchant for pointless little things like this.

A couple of years ago, I was living in a flat which was basically a loft conversion at the top of a house. The only upside to this claustrophobic, 4-bedroom dump was that we had access to the roof via a skylight and a ladder.

Now when the sun shone on this (flat) roof, it got very hot - far too hot to stand on barefoot. This gave me a daft idea.

I'd heard about third-world countries being given "solar cookers" - basically a big round mirror, into the centre of which you put your food and point the whole thing at the sun. The sun's rays are thus focussed on the food and this heats it up.

Now I obviously didn't have access to such a mirror, so I took the opposite approach - if I want to focus this solar energy, why not use a lens?

Well, I didn't have a lens, either. What I did have was some tin foil, a pint glass and a sausage.

Result: after 30 minutes of sitting on this piece of tin foil and under an upturned pint glass, the sausage hadn't cooked at all. It had begun to sweat a bit, but that was the limit of my solar-powered culinary achievement.

I abandoned this experiment and put the grill on instead. Oh, well.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:08, 4 replies)

Brylcreem
Is not good lube.

Sorries for the repetitude.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:07, Reply)

The Tena for Women Assesment Test - (TWAT for short)
Whilst having a conversation with one of my friends whilst 'slightly' inebriated, we were interupted by the TV advert for Tena lady pads. Being men, drunk and probably too immature for our age men, we started discussing the possible efficacy of these magical pads.

After an extensive discussion, we decided that it would be of great benefit to women, and maybe men, the world over if we experimented with them just to see how much pee they could actually hold before what we dubbed 'total urinary containment failre' occurred.

Very soon after this decision to test the pads was made, the experiment was designed.


Method
======
Basically myself and my friend had a pee at the same time (not literally, thats just wrong) and ensured we didn't drink anything for at least 6 hours so we were 'empty' - then based on the fact that the bladder will only hold around a pint (ish) we both drank 600ml of water. We then obtained a box of Tena lady pads and tossed a coin to see who would wear the pads (the other would be the control.)

I won the toss so decided to wear the pad - a bold and clever decision so I thought. So I placed the pad into my undercrackers and waited until we were both bursting for the loo.

The time came - we were nervous - we knew that there was no real way to quantify the test, so we would judge the result by two things: size of pee patch on control vs tena pad and amount of time taken for pee patch to form.

We stood in front of the mirror, me with my pad and my mate with nothing for protection. Then we counted down.


3



2



1





PISS!



We both started. It felt warm and uncomfortable and the patches on our jeans were growing uncontrollably. After what seemed like an eternity - the wee flow ceased. Both of us COVERED in our own piss looking like we had a map of russia on our jeans.


Results
=======
Epic failure for the tena pad. It seems if you leak more than a thimble full of liquid onto them, you lose containment. More importantly - the realisation that we were standing in a room and had just pissed ourselves dawned on us. Then I realised that not only was I covered in hot piss, I had a damn incontinence pad in my pants...


Conclusion
==========
We learn't that Tena lady pads will NOT contain an entire wee and that we are both clearly imbaciles of the HIGHEST order.


(NOTE: this is my first post - be kind!)
(Spangulum nailing your mother since 1824, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:05, 11 replies)

Ice cream and gravy
does not a nice new interesting pudding make.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:04, Reply)

Sandwich of evil
I was rather stoned one day and decided to make myself a sandwich - in an experimental frame of mind I added the following:
Peanut butter
Marmite
Honey
Mayonaise
Harrisa paste (chilli paste)
Fish sauce
Olives
Curry paste
Gherkins
Sliced pepper
Onion
Salsa
Mustard

And something unidentifiable and green - which may well have been pesto

Needless to say the thing looked like a scooby snack. I ate it all and spent the next 3 hours in a dark room trying not to vomit. Conclusion - Just because things are tasty on their own does not mean that they complement each other.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:03, 4 replies)

There are many...
1. Ironing bread to make toast because the grill is a temporary grease reserve makes for a fabricy tasting toast.

2. Attempting to take a lightbulb out but leaving the screwy bit in to leave your friend in darkness in halls of residence will lead to everyone in the hall being in darkness if the light is subsequently turned on.

3. A dustbin full of water is very heavy and uncontrollable when lifting it over a barrier at height with a couple of friends. The bin missed the victim. Some of the water didn't. The clean up took hours.

4. Bike-fu should only be attempted by experts and even then away from expensive fencing.

5. Cats do not like English mustard.

6. Hiding in a dustbin to scare a friend only works if you manage to stay awake.

7. Starving yourself for a day before going to an "all-you-can-eat" restaurant doesn't mean you can eat more. In fact, you eat less and get a lower value for money.
(lo-fi_shop_assistant, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:03, 3 replies)

Yes indeedy, 'I wonder what would happen if I...'
I've not written it down in a will yet but I'd like my headstone to be incised with the words 'Oops... that didn't go the way I thought it would' because if I'm going t opop my clogs at any time other than in old age in a bed, the chances are it'll be some consequence of an impulsive experiment- usually self-experimentation.

Last year I pierced my right earlobe with a needle to see if it was going t obe too agonising to allow my daughter to have it done. Didn't put an earring in, just shoved a needle through and then pulled it out again. result- hmm, not to bad. Yes, she can have them. But of course like most of us the real gems (i.e. stupid, I could have seen that coming) are from my youth.

Spent an afternoon suspending my bike from a tree with ropes to make a 'pedal machine exerciser'. Climbed on, found that with no ground resistance the pedals went round too easily to generate any 'exercise'

Used to climb up on the garage roof and then jump off 'to see if I could'. (Nothing broken, fortunately)

Filled my pop-gun barrel with dusty soil so when it went off it would look like gunsmoke (and after two reloads the mechanism jammed due to, er, dusty soil).

Took all my toys apart to see how they worked, then realised I couldn't get them back together again.

Mixed orange juice with milk and thought 'hey, it makes the milk creamy'. Erm no, Curdled is the word.

Took lid off an old intercom from my dad's old premises to stare in wonderment at all the fascinating-looking electronics- then gave myself a mains shock by touching an unisolated terminal on the mains transformer- fortunately non-lethal.

and (this was when I was about 5) wanted to get some rather pretty cherry blossom down from the tree (although later I modified the story to 'a stuck football' as that sounded less gay) and thought- how to knock some down out of the tree...I need..(looks around self) a brick!. Picks up house brick, rather heavy, so legs apart, both hands at floor level, heave brick upwards into tree.

Brick goes up. Brick gets bored of going up. Brick comes down.

I'm watching this brick coming down into the centre of my vision and think- ah. Gonna hit me. so naturally I duck my head down. This resulted in the brick smashing into the back of my head instead of between the eyes.

Hospital, concussion, stitches... bloody cherry blossom.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:02, 5 replies)

The most scariest experiment on the planet.......Woo!
How long can you go without B3ta.

I've managed a week because I was on holiday.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:02, 4 replies)

Q?
Is it possible to play a circa 1996 golf game on the pc after drinking 8 pints of Greene king IPA and the best part of half a bottle of Bells whisky.

A.

The ability to hit an 10 pixel white blob on a monitor is severly impaired when you are seeing 3 television screens and focusing on a wall makes you feel sick.

Q? what is possible after drinking 8 pints of Greene king IPA and the best part of half a bottle of Bells Whisky.

A. Only one thing, spending the next 3 days curled up in a ball in bed quietly mewling to yourself and trying not to violently throw up (not in a wicker basket I hasten to add)
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:02, Reply)

Experimenting with weed at a party...
... aged 34 and several years having elapsed since you last tried it may result in you spending the evening semi conscious on a sofa in embarrassing fashion.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:02, 5 replies)

Aerosol
When I was five, I really wanted to see how an aerosol worked. My experiment was simple:

1. Get a can of furniture polish.
2. Hold it about four inches from my eye.
3. Make sure the hole is pointing towards the eye.
4. Spray and observe.

Ouch! No lasting damage luckily.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:02, 1 reply)

Aaaargh!
I know that due to my chosen career I should have loads of these but I have so many I can't think of them right now!

The most recent that springs to mind is that I bought a pedometer (I said pedometer) to determine which was the most effective walk to work. I started by just walking to work as I normally did which gave an average score of about 2300 steps.

It was then I created the technique I call 'apexing' where you you attempt traverse your route in a straight line between obstacles and corners. This was however subject to traffic as I would find myself walking across roads the long way and would have to judge the best time to retreat to the pavement. On a good day i.e. not in tourist season and before 0830 hrs I could get this down to 2100 steps.

I then experimented with different routes until I stumbled across the one which involved the least crossing of roads and was just that little bit quicker. The average score for this route is currently at 2000 but I still have the record written on the whiteboard above my desk.

*glances up*

1947

So what did I learn? That I'm lazy enough to spend £10 on a pedometer and measure my movements for three months just so that I can take 600 or so less steps to and from the office each day.
( Raindance Work is inversely proportional to post-count, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:01, 3 replies)

Barbecueing a frozen pizza wrapped in foil
does not result in a hot tasty meal.

Still ate it though.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:56, Reply)

Since we're doing food....
Under the infulence of beer and LSD and afflicted with the munchies, I scoured the kitchen cupboards. Beans and pineapple chunks, the perfect sweet and sour combo, and with the added bonus of beong cooked simultaneously in the same pan.

Mmmmm....blah!

Don't do it kids!
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:54, Reply)

Layin' Down Some Wikkid Beats
When I was very young, I had a record player. For younger readers, this was what we had before CDs - it consisted of a platter of vinyl with grooves in it, and a needle to pick up the sounds. No really, I am not making this up.

Anyway, as a four-year old I was fascinated by this thing. The record had grooves. A needle went round the grooves. Sound came out. Obvious logical conclusion - if I made my own grooves - perhaps with a nail - I could make my own records!

However, I didn't want to test my theory on one of my own records, so I took one of my dad's.

I was 10 before I got the record player back.
(ragged, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:50, 4 replies)

Do culinary experiments count?
Two words:
Beer pancakes.

Two more words:
never again
(EvilBeastie, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:50, Reply)

Not my experiment
although I have some which I will post later.

Many years ago my mate and three of his chums went hiking/hillwalking up in the highlands of Scotland for a week. They decided that rather than stay in a hotel, it would be cheaper and better to rent a house for the week. This they did.

On the first night someone suggested it would be fun to see how long they could go without flushing the toilet. Beer was involved by this point, so they all decided this was a great idea, being unable to think it through properly.

Well, four strapping lads generate quite a bit of shitteous effluent, so after only three days the toilet bowl was full nearly to the brim. At this point they decided that the experiment was complete, and wrote '3 days' in their lab books, or whatever.

And flushed.

A standard toilet cistern has a 9 litre capacity. Approximately 8.8 litres of this ended up, mixed with festering man-shite, on the bathroom floor. I did mention that they hadn't thought it through...

The blockage was eventually cleared by the industrious application of sticks which they found outside. But they didn't enjoy cleaning up the mess on the floor.

Remember, would-be scientists - plan ahead!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:49, 2 replies)

I was once experimenting with fuel at the age of 10.
it was in a small can, I wanted to see how it would burn if a lit match was thrown against it.
The fuel was in a small 500ml can with a screw top lid. The plan was to drop a lit match in through the top and wait.
I unscrewed the top, looked down at the fuel brought the lit match over the opening, (At this point I discovered "fuel vapour"), and a jet of flames shot out from the top.
Considering I was looking down the top of the can at the time, I lost both eyebrows, and I now had a very wide centre parting.
I decided never to repeat that experiment.
( turb0t, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:43, Reply)

um
don't ever throw up in a wicker basket.

the logic of "its a bin, it holds stuff" does not compute.
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:42, 2 replies)